Love is a mother fucker...

[ace_punkster]

I feel so emo. I want to cry, and I don't really know why. Ok, thats a lie. I do know why. I feel as though Im not good enough. I feel as though my feelings are often ignored. I feel like I get myself in over my head with my emotions, I sometimes let myself care too much. Its a bad thing when the feelings are not returned. And who really knows, they may be..but I am so insicure with myself that I really feel as though I will eventually be replaced. I have all this shit built up inside of me, and I just swallow it down farther. I want to just spill it all out, but I really hate the feeling of being dramatic or all "woe is me" Thus the reason why Im writing it all in here. Im really fucking sick of my asshole ex calling me, only because he thinks he is going to get a piece from me. It hurts me a lot more then I want it to. What the fuck does he think, that he can just treat me like shit, and Ill drop my pants just because he wants it? I think not. And yet in a way, when he does call I so badly want to answer. I want to tell him about all the shit thats been going on, and I want to hear him say it will all be OK. I want to tell him about my health problems because I am scared shitless, and he has always been the one I went to for stuff like that. But I know he won't care. He is heartless. And that will just make me feel even worse.

I feel sometimes that I am headed towards a very bad crash ending. Meaning one of these days I am just going to snap, and all the emotions Im holding in, and the baggage Im carrying around..will just come to the surface and its not going to be pretty. All my anger and self doubt and self hatred needs to go away. I am scared to get close to someone. I hate to admit that, but I really am. The thought of another heart ache makes me want to run far far away.

Bah. This is stupid. I need to get my mind off of all this shit. I hope I did not come across as "poor me" thats not my intent at all.

-Heth