The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
After Peter's grandparents' party, we were asked out by his uncle's family to have dinner and see the movie.
The story starts by describing the First Emperor of China (named Han, played by Jet Li) and how he got that way - murdering and pillaging his way across China. Not how he describes how the Great Wall was built: not only through slave labout, but by tossing in corpses as well. Efficient, but creepy.
Afraid of his next unconquerable enemy, Han tells his most loyal and trusted General Ming to find a witch who supposedly knows the secret to immortality. Little do they realize that the witch, Zi Yuan, is actually quite young and hot, and Han wants her for himself. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake to send Ming with her. Hot sex ensues.
After the spell for immortality is cast, Han tries to force Zi Yuan to marry him by threatening (then killing) Ming. Classic four-horses-in-different-directions execution! Zi Yuan says no, gets wounded, then escapes when the curse envelops him and his army, forming the famous Terracotta Army.
Cut to Rick O'Connell attempting to fish and Evelyn attempting to write. There is no hot sex, so drinking ensues.
Cut to Alex O'Connell, college dropout and archeologist. His professor Roger Wilson arrives just as the workers uncover the tomb.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: The Dragon Emperor and Terracotta Army were in a GIANT PALACE with GIANT PALACE GROUNDS...and somehow they've been arranged into a tomb. Who the hell moved them all?
The two of them, plus three Chinese extras, walk in, and the extras are promptly killed by traps. Alex uncovers the Emperor himself and they're both attacked by a Chinese ninja. Yes, ninja. Thank goodness she didn't have throwing stars.
Cut to suspicious Chinese paramilitary group, led by General Yang. We know what's going to happen, aren't we?
The British Government appeals to the O'Connell couple about delivering the Eye of Shangri-La. The O'Connells clearly need this boost to their sex life new adventure, so off to Shanghai, where cousin Jonathan runs a nightclub called Imhotep! This rather dubious place is where the son and parents meet, totally by chance, angsting ensues over bad parenting.
Alex takes his parents to see the Dragon Emperor and leaves them, just for a moment. Wilson promptly jumps in, gets the Eye of Shangri-La from the pair, then forces them to revive the Emperor. Lin (the Chinese ninja who's trying to stop the Emperor) and Alex jump in. This fight would be short-lived if we didn't point out that General Yang and his second-in-command, Choi, were also there.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If Lin's family was so worried about the Emperor getting revived, couldn't they have, I don't know, gone into the tomb beforehand and smashed him to pieces while the Eye was far, far away?
In a complete fluke the Emperor gets revived because the guy in the coffin was a fake and the Eye of Shangri-La, which contains water from the Well of Eternity, is accidentally smashed all over one of the guards, and it turns out to be the Emperor.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If the Emperor was last seen frozen in a screaming pose, how is he posed as one of his twelve billion guards? Did somebody re-carve him?
Yang and Choi hitch a ride with the Emperor; Wilson's beheaded by burning. It was kind of cool. Note that Yang still has the Eye (the sapphire cap of the whole jewel) and they need to use it.
Four-horse chariot vs. truck filled with fireworks in Shanghai district, lots of fire and screaming and explosions, Lin loses a cursed dagger, O'Connells and Lin have a time-out at Imhotep's. Lin says the dagger's the only thing that can kill him, the O'Connell parents are a bit iffy about this girl who can clearly kick their son's ass, but it looks like they'll have to take her word about flying into the Himalayas to get ahead of the Emperor.
Mad Dog, an old friend of Rick's, flies them in. A yak vomits all over Jonathan.
The group (Rick, Evelyn, Alex, Jonathan, Lin, the yak) camp out at an abandoned mountain site the first night. Evelyn asks Alex about Lin, who promptly denies that he's in a relationship with the chick who can clear kick his ass, then he goes to Lin and goes stomp-stomp all over her potential romantic feelings for him by repeating all this. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PARENTS WORK - THROUGH THEIR SONS' LACK OF EQ.
The group prepare to make a stand at the Golden Tower, where the Eye of Shangri-La has to be placed so they can figure out how to get to Shangri-La. The back-up plan is to blow up the tower...which is odd because they couldn't be bothered to do that in the first place...because we know what's going to happen.
Firefight between Team Kill Mummies and Team China 4ever, in which the O'Connells are badly losing until Lin summons Yetis.
Yetis.
I'll let you dwell on this for a bit.
The Chinese are promptly defeated, but the Emperor steps in, extinguishes all the dynamite lit around the tower and sets up the jewel. Alex tries to start an avalanche, Emperor tries to stab him and gets Rick instead, Yetis save them from ensuing avalanche, Jonathan comes out on top because he's got the Eye.
What should be a mortal blow isn't because we all know Rick O'Connell can't die from something as petty as a sword through the back, so the Yetis help Team Kill Mummies off to Shangri-La, where they meet Zi Yuan, find out Lin's her daughter, and they're well into thousands of years old. Rick gets a bath in the Well, which heals him right up, and they plan to keep watch so they can smack about the Emperor when he shows up.
Which promptly fails, because he blows everyone aside, waltzes in, heals up, turns into a three-headed dragon, then bails out with Lin as a potential bride.
The O'Connells and Zi Yuan rush off to the excavation site, where the Emperor's planning to revive his army. Apparently, if they manage to cross the Great Wall, the army will become invinceable, so this is an awesome place to make a stand-off. Alex sees Lin dropped off with the human soldiers and goes in to rescue her.
The terracotta army awakens and starts marching. Bullets prove to finish them off pretty well, except for the part where it's a frickin' army and, uh, the O'Connells don't have enough bullets. But luck holds out when Zi Yuan finishes reciting her spell (in English), trading in her and Lin's immortality for reviving all the souls in the wall.
Those are a lot of souls. They're mostly zombie skeletons, led by General Ming.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If Ming had the classic four-horses-in-different-directions exexcution, why is he largely intact except for that arm?
Giant zombies-vs.-terracotta fight. The Emperor and Zi Yuan face off and Zi Yuan loses, but not before she steals back the dagger and passes it off to Lin. The Emperor enters the Great Wall to do magic stuff, but Rick interrupts. Unfortunately, the dagger's broken, but Alex grabs the blade and sneaks around. As Evelyn and Lin kill Yang and Choi, Rick and Alex team up against against the Emperor, where Rick stabs through the front (where the dagger is too short) but Alex jumps in from the back, fusing the dagger and killing the Emperor and the terracotta army.
Souls cheer and turn to sand.
Movie ends with both couples dancing at Imhotep's and Jonathan, bails on China, kisses the Eye, and decides to move to a place where there are no mummies:
Peru.
I liked the movie, in general. Unsurprising warp to the 'future' - the pair comfortably retired, their son rebellious but following in the grave-hopping footsteps. I enjoyed the historical backstory to the plot, even if it did take a few liberties (such as China's first emperor resembling Jet Li XD).
Diving a little deeper, however, the movie feels...unfulfilling. Yes, they go treasure-hunting, but much of the story revolved around them trying to stay one step ahead of the emperor or catch up to him (the golden tower to Shangri-La being the 'turning point'). The fights weren't too great, in my opinion: Shangri-La was a classic shootout, Well of Eternity was computer animation whooshing in and out, the Great Wall mostly computer animation throwing themselves at each other. There were little extended fight sequences, aside from maybe Han and Zi Yuan's fight; they really could've used more of their talents for better fight scenes.
The plot bordered on ridiculous at times. Jonathan summarized it excellently: "She speaks Yeti?"
I liked the little jokes in it. The zombie army had a few funnies, what with being undead not affecting their ability to fight at all. Not enough Jonathan.
It was fun, but it was an empty fun. Maybe they spent all their writing on computer graphics.
The story starts by describing the First Emperor of China (named Han, played by Jet Li) and how he got that way - murdering and pillaging his way across China. Not how he describes how the Great Wall was built: not only through slave labout, but by tossing in corpses as well. Efficient, but creepy.
Afraid of his next unconquerable enemy, Han tells his most loyal and trusted General Ming to find a witch who supposedly knows the secret to immortality. Little do they realize that the witch, Zi Yuan, is actually quite young and hot, and Han wants her for himself. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake to send Ming with her. Hot sex ensues.
After the spell for immortality is cast, Han tries to force Zi Yuan to marry him by threatening (then killing) Ming. Classic four-horses-in-different-directions execution! Zi Yuan says no, gets wounded, then escapes when the curse envelops him and his army, forming the famous Terracotta Army.
Cut to Rick O'Connell attempting to fish and Evelyn attempting to write. There is no hot sex, so drinking ensues.
Cut to Alex O'Connell, college dropout and archeologist. His professor Roger Wilson arrives just as the workers uncover the tomb.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: The Dragon Emperor and Terracotta Army were in a GIANT PALACE with GIANT PALACE GROUNDS...and somehow they've been arranged into a tomb. Who the hell moved them all?
The two of them, plus three Chinese extras, walk in, and the extras are promptly killed by traps. Alex uncovers the Emperor himself and they're both attacked by a Chinese ninja. Yes, ninja. Thank goodness she didn't have throwing stars.
Cut to suspicious Chinese paramilitary group, led by General Yang. We know what's going to happen, aren't we?
The British Government appeals to the O'Connell couple about delivering the Eye of Shangri-La. The O'Connells clearly need this boost to their sex life new adventure, so off to Shanghai, where cousin Jonathan runs a nightclub called Imhotep! This rather dubious place is where the son and parents meet, totally by chance, angsting ensues over bad parenting.
Alex takes his parents to see the Dragon Emperor and leaves them, just for a moment. Wilson promptly jumps in, gets the Eye of Shangri-La from the pair, then forces them to revive the Emperor. Lin (the Chinese ninja who's trying to stop the Emperor) and Alex jump in. This fight would be short-lived if we didn't point out that General Yang and his second-in-command, Choi, were also there.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If Lin's family was so worried about the Emperor getting revived, couldn't they have, I don't know, gone into the tomb beforehand and smashed him to pieces while the Eye was far, far away?
In a complete fluke the Emperor gets revived because the guy in the coffin was a fake and the Eye of Shangri-La, which contains water from the Well of Eternity, is accidentally smashed all over one of the guards, and it turns out to be the Emperor.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If the Emperor was last seen frozen in a screaming pose, how is he posed as one of his twelve billion guards? Did somebody re-carve him?
Yang and Choi hitch a ride with the Emperor; Wilson's beheaded by burning. It was kind of cool. Note that Yang still has the Eye (the sapphire cap of the whole jewel) and they need to use it.
Four-horse chariot vs. truck filled with fireworks in Shanghai district, lots of fire and screaming and explosions, Lin loses a cursed dagger, O'Connells and Lin have a time-out at Imhotep's. Lin says the dagger's the only thing that can kill him, the O'Connell parents are a bit iffy about this girl who can clearly kick their son's ass, but it looks like they'll have to take her word about flying into the Himalayas to get ahead of the Emperor.
Mad Dog, an old friend of Rick's, flies them in. A yak vomits all over Jonathan.
The group (Rick, Evelyn, Alex, Jonathan, Lin, the yak) camp out at an abandoned mountain site the first night. Evelyn asks Alex about Lin, who promptly denies that he's in a relationship with the chick who can clear kick his ass, then he goes to Lin and goes stomp-stomp all over her potential romantic feelings for him by repeating all this. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PARENTS WORK - THROUGH THEIR SONS' LACK OF EQ.
The group prepare to make a stand at the Golden Tower, where the Eye of Shangri-La has to be placed so they can figure out how to get to Shangri-La. The back-up plan is to blow up the tower...which is odd because they couldn't be bothered to do that in the first place...because we know what's going to happen.
Firefight between Team Kill Mummies and Team China 4ever, in which the O'Connells are badly losing until Lin summons Yetis.
Yetis.
I'll let you dwell on this for a bit.
The Chinese are promptly defeated, but the Emperor steps in, extinguishes all the dynamite lit around the tower and sets up the jewel. Alex tries to start an avalanche, Emperor tries to stab him and gets Rick instead, Yetis save them from ensuing avalanche, Jonathan comes out on top because he's got the Eye.
What should be a mortal blow isn't because we all know Rick O'Connell can't die from something as petty as a sword through the back, so the Yetis help Team Kill Mummies off to Shangri-La, where they meet Zi Yuan, find out Lin's her daughter, and they're well into thousands of years old. Rick gets a bath in the Well, which heals him right up, and they plan to keep watch so they can smack about the Emperor when he shows up.
Which promptly fails, because he blows everyone aside, waltzes in, heals up, turns into a three-headed dragon, then bails out with Lin as a potential bride.
The O'Connells and Zi Yuan rush off to the excavation site, where the Emperor's planning to revive his army. Apparently, if they manage to cross the Great Wall, the army will become invinceable, so this is an awesome place to make a stand-off. Alex sees Lin dropped off with the human soldiers and goes in to rescue her.
The terracotta army awakens and starts marching. Bullets prove to finish them off pretty well, except for the part where it's a frickin' army and, uh, the O'Connells don't have enough bullets. But luck holds out when Zi Yuan finishes reciting her spell (in English), trading in her and Lin's immortality for reviving all the souls in the wall.
Those are a lot of souls. They're mostly zombie skeletons, led by General Ming.
CONTINUITY QUESTION: If Ming had the classic four-horses-in-different-directions exexcution, why is he largely intact except for that arm?
Giant zombies-vs.-terracotta fight. The Emperor and Zi Yuan face off and Zi Yuan loses, but not before she steals back the dagger and passes it off to Lin. The Emperor enters the Great Wall to do magic stuff, but Rick interrupts. Unfortunately, the dagger's broken, but Alex grabs the blade and sneaks around. As Evelyn and Lin kill Yang and Choi, Rick and Alex team up against against the Emperor, where Rick stabs through the front (where the dagger is too short) but Alex jumps in from the back, fusing the dagger and killing the Emperor and the terracotta army.
Souls cheer and turn to sand.
Movie ends with both couples dancing at Imhotep's and Jonathan, bails on China, kisses the Eye, and decides to move to a place where there are no mummies:
Peru.
I liked the movie, in general. Unsurprising warp to the 'future' - the pair comfortably retired, their son rebellious but following in the grave-hopping footsteps. I enjoyed the historical backstory to the plot, even if it did take a few liberties (such as China's first emperor resembling Jet Li XD).
Diving a little deeper, however, the movie feels...unfulfilling. Yes, they go treasure-hunting, but much of the story revolved around them trying to stay one step ahead of the emperor or catch up to him (the golden tower to Shangri-La being the 'turning point'). The fights weren't too great, in my opinion: Shangri-La was a classic shootout, Well of Eternity was computer animation whooshing in and out, the Great Wall mostly computer animation throwing themselves at each other. There were little extended fight sequences, aside from maybe Han and Zi Yuan's fight; they really could've used more of their talents for better fight scenes.
The plot bordered on ridiculous at times. Jonathan summarized it excellently: "She speaks Yeti?"
I liked the little jokes in it. The zombie army had a few funnies, what with being undead not affecting their ability to fight at all. Not enough Jonathan.
It was fun, but it was an empty fun. Maybe they spent all their writing on computer graphics.