Fanfic - Autopilot and Alcohol (Improv-a-Ganza)
Title: Autopilot and Alcohol
Author: Mel (accordingtomel)
Summary: Chip has been avoiding Jeff. Jeff has been angsting. But then Jeff finally finds out why, and everything changes.
Characters/Pairings: Jeff Davis/Chip Esten
Rating: PG-13 (mostly for language)
Word Count: 5,672
Disclaimer: This is completely and utterly false, 100% fake, a figment of my over-active imagination. I mean absolutely no offense to anyone in the fic or anyone reading it. Jeff and Chip belong only to themselves. I’m just having a bit of fun.
Author’s note: So, I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to permit myself to ship these two. I said, “Self, stop being ridiculous. Just because they’re adorable, and always touching each other, and always looking at each other when something’s funny, and constantly making heart eyes, and only paying attention to each other when they’re singing... Wait, what?” Anyway, needless to say, after much internal struggles, I simply couldn’t resist. I have to say a huge thank you to my awesome friend, adelagia, for betaing this thing for me, as well as being my eternal enabler. When I would say to her, “Okay, I’m not allowing myself to ship them,” she would inevitably respond with, “Well, now that you’re not shipping them...” or “Not to fuel your fire or anything...” and provide me with something that would make me ship them even more! BTW, I just want to point out that while I’ve indicated in the fic that Chip and his wife have separated, I need it to be known that I do not, in fact, actually wish this to happen in real life in any way, shape or form. This is just my insane flight of fancy without making it actually AU. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)
Autopilot and Alcohol
It is another rough evening for them. Or, at least for Jeff it is. Not show-wise of course, because no matter what may be going on behind closed doors, both he and Chip are too professional to allow that to impact their work. But the reality is that things aren’t good between them right now, and haven’t been for well over a month. They’re already more than halfway through their Whose Live Anyway? tour, but it is turning out to be the most challenging one they’ve ever done.
When they’re on tour, Jeff typically ends up spending the vast majority of his time with Chip, and has for all of the years they’ve been doing this. Except spending time with Chip becomes far more challenging when he’s been dedicating most of his time to avoiding Jeff as much as possible. There is no legitimate reason Jeff can ascertain, which only makes the whole thing hurt even more. So when Ryan and Greg both call it an early night, and with Chip still very pointedly trying to avoid him, Jeff finds himself drinking alone, in a booth at the back of this particular casino, trying not to feel depressed about how he’s losing one of his best friends. It isn’t exactly working.
For about the millionth time, Jeff runs through everything he’s done in the last couple of months, trying to sort out where things went sour. Because he can’t for the life of him pinpoint any particular thing he could’ve done to bring this on, but he knows there has to be an explanation, because this isn’t like Chip at all. Granted, things have been difficult for Chip since he and his wife separated eight months ago, and Jeff knows just how much the whole thing hurt him. They rarely discuss details, but Jeff is the one Chip always chooses to confide in when he feels like talking. Or at least he used to. Jeff always feels honored that Chip trusts him enough with it, and even more so that he is able to help put a smile back on Chip’s face, if only for a little while. No one would know to see him perform on stage, but the pain is there all the same. Which makes Chip’s recent behaviour all the more bothersome, because as far as Jeff’s concerned, nothing is different between them now than it was six weeks prior.
Could Jeff have accidentally insulted Chip? It’s possible, sure, but at the same time, Jeff has the presence of mind to recognize that this slow, steady avoidance doesn’t seem to fit the crime. Perhaps Chip’s just tired of him finally, after years and years of putting up with his ridiculousness. Not everyone can tolerate his quirks, after all. But that seems equally unlikely, since they share a lot of similarities in that department, and it’s at least part of the reason they became such good friends to begin with.
As Jeff’s mind runs through a series of possible, but increasingly ridiculous potential reasons for Chip’s behaviour, another horrifying thought hits him with such force that it nearly knocks him out of his seat, his gut twisting at the mere idea. What if Chip somehow discovered Jeff’s feelings for him, and what if that’s the reason for his current behaviour? He would never deny that he adores Chip, and anyone who watches them together for more than a few minutes can see the affection there anyway. He couldn’t hide that, even if he wanted to. But what if he accidentally let it slip that he wants Chip in a slightly (vastly) less wholesome way? Chip’s an accepting person to the core, and sexuality doesn’t even register in his mind as something to be concerned with, but Jeff wonders if his attitude would extend to someone he knew had legitimate feelings for him. Especially if said person happened to be one of his best friends.
The truth of the matter is that Jeff is so fucking far gone, has been for a long time now, that he doesn’t even know anything else. He should have stopped this ages ago, when his feelings first began to manifest themselves, walked away from it all. But he’s always known that he could never walk away from Chip, from their friendship, from a career that so many crave and so few are able to actually live, even if it might be better for his mental health in the long run. Chip is technically still married and straight, both theoretically strong deterrents for the thoughts that race through Jeff’s mind and the dreams that plague him at night. Like the slow poison of a drug coursing through his veins, Jeff is completely and hopelessly addicted to Chip. It is the most ridiculous and embarrassingly pathetic feeling he’s ever experienced, frightening and exhilarating in equal measure.
Burying his face in his hands, Jeff tries not to groan at how pathetic his thoughts - his life - have become. It’s not as though he has no other friends in his life. He has many. The problem is that Chip is more than just another friend. The problem is that he isn’t in love with any one of those other people. The problem is that he is completely and utterly fucked, when he gets right down to it.
The feeling of a hand on his shoulder is so unexpected that Jeff literally starts, head flying up to see who's pulled him from his reverie. He doesn’t even hide the surprise at discovering Chip standing before him, bashful and slightly awkward. Chip’s touch is like fire to his skin, even with his suit acting as a barrier between them.
“Hey, um, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” he says, and smiles, tentative, removing his hand from Jeff’s shoulder.
“That’s fine.” Jeff tries not to miss the physical contact. He tries even harder to resist the urge to reach out for Chip, as he is often wont to do.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Chip asks, and holy fuck does it feel like they’re awkward teenagers all of a sudden. When did everything get this weird?
Jeff gestures to the opposite side of the booth, mentally composing himself as Chip takes a seat, a drink in his other hand.
A lengthy silence stretches between them. Jeff sips leisurely at his beer, trying to fake a calmness he doesn’t feel. Every few moments he snatches a glance at Chip, who seems to be watching him rather openly, and that makes something uncomfortable crawl under his skin.
“So,” Chip breathes out, eventually. Jeff meets his gaze. “I just wanted to tell you... Well, I wanted to say sorry, man, for the way I’ve been behaving. I’ve been a complete asshole to you, for no good reason, and you don’t deserve that.”
Jeff nods and takes another sip of his beer. The knot in his stomach loosens ever so slightly.
“I appreciate how you’ve been here for me, well, always. But especially over the past year, with everything going on,” Chip carries on. “You’re a good friend, and I’ve been a prick. So, I’m sorry.”
This time, Jeff permits himself to smile, hesitant. He wraps his fingers around the cool glass of the beer bottle in his hand, and it is the only relief from the sudden heat he feels radiating throughout his body. “I- Well, I can’t say I’ve been happy that you’ve been avoiding me-“ Chip actually flinches at this, “-but I accept your apology. I guess I just don’t really get it...”
Chip swallows, watching him intently. “You don’t really get what?”
“I don’t really understand why you were avoiding me in the first place. I mean, did I do something to offend you? Because if I did, I’d prefer you just tell me than have there be all this-“ Jeff waves his other hand around in an elaborate, though meaningless, gesture, “-weirdness between us.”
He almost regrets the words, at the sight of Chip’s face. A million different emotions seem to flicker across his face in the span of a few moments, everything from guilt to disappointment to something that Jeff can’t quite identify but feels vaguely familiar.
“I know, I know. And I’m sorry.” Chip hangs his head. “But you didn’t do anything, that’s the problem.”
“Then I don’t understand. You’ve been drawing away from me for at least a month.” And how embarrassing is it, that Jeff has actually been keeping track? He silently wills Chip to disregard what he’s just said, even as heat continues to prick at the back of his neck.
Another silence fills the air between them, nothing but music and conversation floating around in the background, though Jeff barely registers any of it. When Chip does speak, it is with a deliberate carefulness, the way he talks when he has something important to say but wants it to come across in a controlled manner. It doesn’t happen very often, or at least not that Jeff has witnessed, and he’s not sure what to make of it all.
“Look, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to tell you any of this, but obviously I’ve been behaving like an ass, so clearly you do need to know.”
This sounds serious. Jeff nods, not knowing what else to do.
“It’s just... Ever since I split from Patty, things have been really tough. I still love her, but over the past several months I- Well, I guess I’ve started contemplating life after this marriage. Starting over, you know? Except everything has been so confusing and muddled and I don’t know if I’m just losing my mind, or what. But I started having these dreams-“ He stops, blinks, and glances down. If Jeff isn’t mistaken, he’d say that Chip was blushing. “At first I thought it was stupid and illogical, maybe some sort of transference type of thing, because, well... it’s ridiculous that I should be feeling this way at all. I mean, I’m fucking forty-five, for God’s sake. I don’t even like men. Or, well, so I thought. Anyway, I figured it’d go away after a day or two, but it didn’t. In fact, it just kept getting worse, much to my irritation. So, I did what made the most sense to me, which was to avoid the problem altogether in the hope that it might actually go away. Which it didn’t. Obviously. And so, here we are.”
When he’s finished, Chip glances up at Jeff, who is rooted to the spot, feeling as confused as ever. He has no fucking idea what Chip is talking about with this whole thing about starting over and confusing dreams and transference and...
Oh. Oh.
Suddenly, everything he’s just said, the way Chip’s been behaving the past month and a bit, starts to click into place, and Jeff feels like he’s been punched in the gut with the weight of this unexpected revelation. Which means that Chip...
Fuck.
His expression must give him away at the exact moment he figures it out, because Chip instantly jumps in to try and smooth things over.
“We can just pretend we never had this conversation, if you want. I mean, I’m sure it’ll pass. I didn’t want to tell you, but I felt like I had no choice, you know? I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.” He shakes his head, as if he’s still surprised that any of this is even happening at all. The feeling is mutual.
Jeff knows what he should say, and what he wants to say, and they are vastly different. But the words are out of his mouth before he can even really contemplate the decision at all. “Who says I want to pretend we never had this conversation?”
Chip blinks, the confusion passing to him now. “All right...?”
“Actually, maybe it’s good, in a way,” Jeff says, without really pausing to think about any of the words before they’re flying out of his mouth. He’s operating on autopilot at the moment. Autopilot, and alcohol. “Maybe we should have discussed this sooner.”
The words hang between them, and Jeff looks away, trying to pretend that they’re not actually talking about what they’re talking about. This whole thing is utter madness.
Chip coughs, fingers tapping nervously against the table, knee bouncing up and down. Jeff can’t see or even really feel the movement, but he knows it’s happening all the same. That’s how well he knows Chip, right down to his nervous fucking habits. Neither makes any attempt to speak, but Jeff knows that Chip will be the one to break the silence when it happens. The ball is in his court for the moment.
“How do you-? I mean, do you-?” Chip finally says, and waves a hand between them, clearly struggling to find the words to express what he wants to say, but Jeff thinks he knows.
It is terrifying to think that after more than ten years of friendship, Jeff is about to reveal something that could destroy everything they have in a heartbeat, but it's either now or never, and never is simply not an option for him any longer. Even though Chip has already laid his own cards on the table, nothing will change without Jeff weighing in on the whole thing with similar sentiments. In a lot of ways, everything comes down to this, and how he chooses to answer the question.
There is danger in these words, in this whole conversation. It is one thing to wonder, to hope, to wish for something more, but entirely another to acknowledge what has hung unspoken between them for years. Or, at least from Jeff’s perspective. He couldn’t possibly claim to know how Chip’s felt about him up until this point. They are standing on the edge of an already thin line, emotions running high and senses muddled by the early effects of the alcohol in their system, but Jeff doesn't know if he could pull out now, even if he wanted to. No matter the result of this conversation, the one certainty Jeff now has is that it will be better than living the rest of his life haunted by the question, 'what if?' With a deep breath, Jeff resolves to take the plunge.
"Chip, I- Yes. For a long time," he says, meeting Chip's gaze head on. And in case there's any doubt as to the meaning of his words, Jeff captures Chip's hand, curling his fingers around his palm and squeezing briefly before letting go.
For a minute, Chip just stares at him, dumbfounded, before he finally seems to get his bearings. “Oh. Right. Okay, then. Good. That’s good. I think?”
An uncertain smile tugs at Jeff’s lips, and he shrugs casually. “Maybe? I’m not really sure, to be honest.”
Chip folds his hands around the glass and sighs a heavy, burdened sigh, like this is too much for him to be dealing with right now. Jeff can’t even begin to comprehend what must be going through Chip’s mind at this very moment, and his chest aches for every doubt, all the fear and regret, that he is most certainly struggling with.
“What can I do to help? What do you want from me?” Jeff asks, his voice soft and hesitant as fear, and possibly a measure of anticipation, unfurls in his stomach.
The response, when it comes, is barely more than a whisper. “I don't know.”
Jeff studies Chip with consideration before reaching a conclusion. “You must. Otherwise, why would you have even bothered to come talk to me at all?”
“I guess... I’ve been having these feelings that are so different and yet so familiar at the same time. But I don’t know if they’re real, or if they’re just-“ he waves his hands around again, “-dream inspired. Don’t have a fucking clue, to be honest, and it’s been killing me.”
“So you want me to help you figure it out?” Jeff raises a single brow curiously.
Chip glances over at him, thoughtfully, and shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t know how you’d be able to.”
“I could kiss you,” Jeff suggests before he even has time to think about how good or bad of a decision this is, his voice even and calm despite the sudden, erratic pounding of his heart in his chest. “Maybe if you get it out of your system and see that kissing me isn’t all that goddamn exciting, you can move on.”
It isn’t a bad idea, in theory. Once Chip kisses him, he’ll probably come back to his senses, and they can carry on again as if nothing ever happened. Well, except for the fact that Jeff’s admitted to his own feelings for Chip. But he’ll learn to live with it. He’s done so for years. What’s a few more decades, really?
“Kiss you,” Chip repeats, and Jeff has to give him credit for not passing out.
“Yeah. Look, you say you’ve been having dreams and you don’t know if any of it is based in reality. So, in theory, if you kiss the real me and you feel nothing, than you can know it was just a figment of your dreams.” How he’s even able to still come up with logical, coherent thought is a mystery at this point, and yet, it’s somehow still happening.
Chip, of course, has to throw him for a loop, just when he thinks maybe he’s getting a handle on everything. “And, uh, what if my feelings remain the same?”
“Then I don’t know,” Jeff says, at length. He’s starting to feel almost light-headed with all this discussion of kissing and feelings and potential futures. Never in a million years did he ever imagine himself having a discussion like this with Chip. Not even once. But he forces himself to stop jumping the gun and get a grip on the here and now, which is truly the most he could hope for at any given moment. “We can deal with that later. Or not. Whatever makes sense.”
Chip nods, hands still clasped, looking for all intents and purposes like a deer caught in the headlights. A terrified deer, knowing full well he’s about to die but is entirely helpless to do anything about it.
“Look, we don’t have to do this,” Jeff says, and is careful to keep his expression neutral. “It was just a suggestion, but obviously it was a shitty one.” The last thing he would ever want to do is somehow pressure Chip into doing something he’d later come to regret, no matter how much Jeff may want this. And he does. So fucking much. But what he wants more is for Chip to be happy again, and that will always come first.
But Chip is shaking his head, one hand suddenly gripping Jeff’s wrist like a vise. “No. No, I want to. I need to know.”
Jeff feels his breath catch in his throat, unable to tear his eyes away from Chip. He looks broken, shoulders sagging, eyes tired and weary, a smattering of stubble across his typically clean-shaven face. He shouldn’t look this damn gorgeous, but the open vulnerability painted across his features causes Jeff’s stomach to twist with desire. He shoves the feelings aside.
“Unless... I mean, I suppose this must be incredibly awkward for you too,” Chip carries on, apparently taking Jeff’s silence to mean he’s having regrets, which couldn’t be further from the truth. “You’ve just admitted to having feelings for me, and here I am, asking to kiss you so I can sort out what my own feelings are. If that isn’t the most disgustingly selfish thing I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. I’m sorry, man, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.”
“Chip, it’s fine. Honestly.” It’s not. Not exactly, anyway. Because Jeff knows that the moment he kisses Chip just once, he’s going to want to continue doing so for the rest of his life, and it’s going to be a fucking nightmare to try and get over him once the realization hits that this isn’t actually what Chip wants. But it doesn’t really matter, in the end, because right now Jeff is just desperate enough to accept anything Chip has to offer. One kiss might turn him into a complete fucking wreck, but at least he’ll still have that memory, which is more than he started with.
Chip turns his face away from Jeff, the deep stain of his blush visible even under the dim bar lights. Jeff shuffles around the back of the booth until he’s sitting almost beside Chip now. He hesitates for just a second before he reaches out and palms the back of Chip’s neck, thumb brushing gently against the firm line of his jaw. With a start, Chip turns back to meet Jeff’s gaze, eyes wide and breath coming out in shallow pants. But he doesn’t pull away from the touch, leans into it instead, and Jeff continues to stroke his face soothingly, feeling encouraged. Over the years, they’ve physically invaded each other’s spaces in the most inappropriate of manners more times than he can count, been far closer than they are now, but in spite of everything they’ve been through, this is by far the most intimate touch they’ve ever shared. It’s enough to make Jeff’s stomach drop, though not unpleasantly.
Leaning forward, Jeff presses his forehead to Chip’s, and concentrates on simply breathing, in and out, steady, calm, as if he’s not about to kiss one of his best friends, who also happens to be a long-time repressed love.
“However you want this to go is entirely up to you. There’s no pressure and I expect nothing out of this. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. But if you don’t want to go through with it, all you need to say is no and we can pretend like this none of this ever happened,” Jeff says, and reaches up to press his left palm to the center of Chip’s chest. Even through his dress shirt, the rapid thrum of his heartbeat pulses against Jeff’s hand, and a jolt of heat shoots straight down to Jeff’s groin.
A moment passes in silence, then another, and Jeff tries to keep breathing steadily through the sudden fear that it’s possible Chip really will change his mind, when he feels the gentle press of Chip’s hand against his hip. It is enough to urge Jeff into action, and he finally closes the gap between them.
Jeff is gentle and careful, the kiss little more than the soft press of lips at first, because he doesn’t want to scare Chip away. For his part, Chip remains almost motionless, not pushing him away but not responding either, and Jeff starts to think that maybe this was a terrible idea after all. Something hot and painful burns in his chest at the thought that this is it, this is all he will ever get, but he won’t force anything on Chip, would never dream of it. He decides to cut his losses, and pulls back with every intention of laughing the whole thing off as a failed experiment, when suddenly Chip’s hand finds its way to the back of Jeff’s neck, pulling him back in.
This time when their lips meet, something changes. The hesitancy from before is replaced by clear intent as Chip responds with enthusiasm to the movement of Jeff’s mouth against his own. There is no way of knowing what changed for him over the course of those two seconds, but Jeff isn’t about to complain. Chip twists in his seat until they’re facing each other more directly, and he pulls away just long enough to adjust the angle of their kiss. When Chip’s lips part a moment later, and his tongue flicks out to run across Jeff’s bottom lip, Jeff takes it for the invitation that it is, and opens his mouth.
A low moan escapes unbidden from Jeff’s throat as Chip’s tongue slips into his mouth, tentative but curious at the same time. Jeff welcomes the intrusion, tongue sweeping across Chip’s, and allows him to explore, all the while attempting to tug Chip impossibly closer. Jeff moves the hand still pressed to Chip’s chest up to his shoulder, and then slides his finger up Chip’s neck. He traces circles with his thumb into the skin just below the collar of Chip’s dress shirt, and he can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to trail kisses down the hard line of Chip’s jaw, to taste the salty skin at his neck, to tease his nipple with his tongue. He would do anything to have Chip like that, soft, pliant and responsive to his touch, but that’s not what this is about, and he wants to store everything about this moment in his memory, in case it’s the only one he ever gets.
Kissing Chip isn’t like anything he expected. All these years of imagining and dreaming about it could never have done this moment justice. Chip is so passionate, yet exceedingly tender. Even though this kiss is more about him than about Jeff, Chip seems intent on coaxing as much pleasure out of him as he can, taking his time as though there’s no reason to rush, no hurry to finish. Lips move, tongues taste, hands explore, and Jeff feels like he’s possibly died and gone to heaven (if there is such a place). Jeff pours everything he has into this, because if this is it, then he wants to ensure that he’s shown Chip all that he has to offer, and all that he means to Jeff.
Eventually, after what feels like far too little time, Jeff forces himself to pull away from Chip, before he loses what’s left of his ability to think rationally. He’s already teetering on the edge, lips searing, brain muddled and body responding quite distinctively to the kiss they’ve just shared. But instead of backing away quickly, like he knows he should, he rests his forehead against Chip’s again, allowing them a little extra intimacy while they catch their breath.
Jeff drops one hand, but keeps the other at the nape of Chip’s neck, fingers threading through the hair that he finds there. He knows this touch is bordering on being highly inappropriate, now that the kiss is over, but he can’t help but indulge himself for a few extra seconds before everything has to come to an end. It is further encouraged by the fact that Chip doesn’t do anything to stop him, his own hand resting just above Jeff’s left knee, fingers pressing loosely into his flesh.
Finally Jeff pulls back properly to survey Chip. He looks... well, he looks positively ravished, with swollen lips, tousled hair, and dark, lust-blown eyes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to determine that Chip was as affected by the kiss as Jeff, but he knows that Chip will need time to process and sort through all of this. Hell, he needs time to make sense of this whole fucking thing, a fantasy that actually turned into a reality.
Chip blinks at Jeff, twice, then turns back towards the table and buries his face in his hands. It’s a less than encouraging sign, but then Jeff can’t even begin to imagine what must be running through Chip’s mind. Jeff has the clear advantage here in that he’s had a great deal of time to determine exactly how he feels about Chip and what he might want from him. Chip is coming off a twenty year marriage, and the first person he’s kissed is his male best friend after having erotic dreams about the two of them for a couple of months. Naturally, it’s not exactly something that can be easily sorted through. So Jeff gives him space, folding his arms loosely across his chest and merely waits.
Several minutes pass in virtual silence, and Jeff starts to wonder if Chip’s actually all right after all.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jeff finally permits himself to ask. His hand hovers over Chip's shoulder for a few seconds before he makes the decision to complete the action, and he chooses to take it as a promising sign when Chip doesn't flinch away from his touch.
A moment later, Chip’s hands fall from his face and he turns to eye Jeff, a tight smile on his lips. “Yeah. I just... this is a lot for me to deal with right now, you know?”
Jeff nods solemnly. “Of course. We can just pretend that this never happened, if that would help?”
A lengthy silence penetrates the space between them. “I don’t think I can,” Chip finally admits, ducking his head. “But maybe... maybe that would be preferable.”
Jeff feels his heart sink to his feet, even as he scolds himself for ever getting his hopes up about any of this. Of course Chip wouldn’t kiss Jeff and then magically decide he wanted to spend the rest of his life having hot, passionate sex with him. What the fuck is wrong with him, anyway?
“Yeah, okay. Of course,” Jeff says, glancing down at his hands. This isn’t about him, and never was. “Anything you need me to do for you, I will. I promise.” He tosses Chip a watery smile that he hopes comes across as more genuine than he feels, before returning his attention back to his hands. Hands bound to be his only companion for a long time to come, it would seem.
But before he even has time to contemplate how to make a hasty, yet subtle retreat, Chip’s fingers curl around his arm, tugging gently until he meets Chip’s gaze. “Jeff, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying I want to forget this ever happened, because I honestly don’t see how the hell I could.”
Jeff feels a modicum of hope return, but he squashes it before he can get too carried away again. “All right,” he says, and nods, uncertain.
“What we just shared definitely confirms what I already suspected...” he trails off, a soft and mildly sheepish smile tugging at his lips momentarily before it’s replaced with a serious expression once more. “But this is a huge deal for me right now. I haven’t even been separated from my wife for a year and we’re nowhere close to being divorced. I just kissed one of my very male best friends for the first time in my life, and I liked it. A lot.”
“That sounds like it’d make a great song,” Jeff interjects jokingly, and is rewarded with a smirk from Chip in return.
“I don’t want to promise you anything I don’t know I can give, Jeff,” Chip carries on, in that typically fucking noble manner that Jeff both loves and loathes in equal measure.
“You don’t have to promise me anything.”
“And I don’t want you to have to wait around while I sort out all of my damn baggage.”
“You’re worth waiting for,” Jeff says, then nearly groans when he realizes what he’s just said. He shakes his head, feeling particularly ridiculous and tries not to blush. But since he’s already started down this path, he figures there’s no point in holding back now. “Look, there’s no pressure here from me. You take all the time you need to sort through everything. If you decide that you want to pursue something with me, then just know that I’m here and willing. But if not, that’s fine too. There’s nothing for you to be concerned about. Or, if you’re not sure and just want to experiment with a fine male specimen such as myself, I won’t be opposed to that either,” Jeff says with a smirk, his voice holding an element of confidence that belies the insecurity he actually feels.
A low, rumbling chuckle radiates from Chip, and suddenly, rather unexpectedly, Jeff finds himself being kissed again. It is short, but sweet; tender, yet filled with affection and assurance.
“What was that for?” Jeff asks, when they part. “Not that I minded, but I thought you just said-“
Chip nods. “I did. And I meant it. I don’t know what to expect or even to hope for in the future. Or how far away that future might be. But I think that if I was to start over with someone new... I think, maybe - and keep in mind that this is still a big maybe - but I think it’s possible that I could see it being with you. I need time, though, and I won’t expect you to sit around and wait for me. If you ever found someone else, I’d never hold that against you. I just need you to know.”
“You wouldn’t be you, if you didn’t.” Jeff is pretty sure his grin is so bright that it might be blinding the other patrons in the casino. “Whatever you decide, I can accept, as long as you can handle being around me, knowing how I feel about you.”
“Of course,” Chip says, honest and sincere. “You’re still my best friend, no matter what.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Jeff smiles, and then, because he doesn’t feel quite so ill any longer, finally finishes off the last of his beer. Chip joins him, and they quickly settle into a comfortable silence.
“Should we get a couple more drinks?” Chip suggests eventually, and Jeff nods, gesturing for a waitress.
Nothing is guaranteed, of course, nor has anything really been clarified. But Jeff has one of his best friends back, and just enough hope for a future with him - one he never imagined would ever happen, even in his wildest dreams - no matter how miniscule the odds. So even if nothing happens in the end, he knows that at least he’ll always have these memories. And Jeff is willing to wait, no matter the outcome, because Chip is worth it.
The End
Author: Mel (accordingtomel)
Summary: Chip has been avoiding Jeff. Jeff has been angsting. But then Jeff finally finds out why, and everything changes.
Characters/Pairings: Jeff Davis/Chip Esten
Rating: PG-13 (mostly for language)
Word Count: 5,672
Disclaimer: This is completely and utterly false, 100% fake, a figment of my over-active imagination. I mean absolutely no offense to anyone in the fic or anyone reading it. Jeff and Chip belong only to themselves. I’m just having a bit of fun.
Author’s note: So, I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to permit myself to ship these two. I said, “Self, stop being ridiculous. Just because they’re adorable, and always touching each other, and always looking at each other when something’s funny, and constantly making heart eyes, and only paying attention to each other when they’re singing... Wait, what?” Anyway, needless to say, after much internal struggles, I simply couldn’t resist. I have to say a huge thank you to my awesome friend, adelagia, for betaing this thing for me, as well as being my eternal enabler. When I would say to her, “Okay, I’m not allowing myself to ship them,” she would inevitably respond with, “Well, now that you’re not shipping them...” or “Not to fuel your fire or anything...” and provide me with something that would make me ship them even more! BTW, I just want to point out that while I’ve indicated in the fic that Chip and his wife have separated, I need it to be known that I do not, in fact, actually wish this to happen in real life in any way, shape or form. This is just my insane flight of fancy without making it actually AU. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)
Autopilot and Alcohol
It is another rough evening for them. Or, at least for Jeff it is. Not show-wise of course, because no matter what may be going on behind closed doors, both he and Chip are too professional to allow that to impact their work. But the reality is that things aren’t good between them right now, and haven’t been for well over a month. They’re already more than halfway through their Whose Live Anyway? tour, but it is turning out to be the most challenging one they’ve ever done.
When they’re on tour, Jeff typically ends up spending the vast majority of his time with Chip, and has for all of the years they’ve been doing this. Except spending time with Chip becomes far more challenging when he’s been dedicating most of his time to avoiding Jeff as much as possible. There is no legitimate reason Jeff can ascertain, which only makes the whole thing hurt even more. So when Ryan and Greg both call it an early night, and with Chip still very pointedly trying to avoid him, Jeff finds himself drinking alone, in a booth at the back of this particular casino, trying not to feel depressed about how he’s losing one of his best friends. It isn’t exactly working.
For about the millionth time, Jeff runs through everything he’s done in the last couple of months, trying to sort out where things went sour. Because he can’t for the life of him pinpoint any particular thing he could’ve done to bring this on, but he knows there has to be an explanation, because this isn’t like Chip at all. Granted, things have been difficult for Chip since he and his wife separated eight months ago, and Jeff knows just how much the whole thing hurt him. They rarely discuss details, but Jeff is the one Chip always chooses to confide in when he feels like talking. Or at least he used to. Jeff always feels honored that Chip trusts him enough with it, and even more so that he is able to help put a smile back on Chip’s face, if only for a little while. No one would know to see him perform on stage, but the pain is there all the same. Which makes Chip’s recent behaviour all the more bothersome, because as far as Jeff’s concerned, nothing is different between them now than it was six weeks prior.
Could Jeff have accidentally insulted Chip? It’s possible, sure, but at the same time, Jeff has the presence of mind to recognize that this slow, steady avoidance doesn’t seem to fit the crime. Perhaps Chip’s just tired of him finally, after years and years of putting up with his ridiculousness. Not everyone can tolerate his quirks, after all. But that seems equally unlikely, since they share a lot of similarities in that department, and it’s at least part of the reason they became such good friends to begin with.
As Jeff’s mind runs through a series of possible, but increasingly ridiculous potential reasons for Chip’s behaviour, another horrifying thought hits him with such force that it nearly knocks him out of his seat, his gut twisting at the mere idea. What if Chip somehow discovered Jeff’s feelings for him, and what if that’s the reason for his current behaviour? He would never deny that he adores Chip, and anyone who watches them together for more than a few minutes can see the affection there anyway. He couldn’t hide that, even if he wanted to. But what if he accidentally let it slip that he wants Chip in a slightly (vastly) less wholesome way? Chip’s an accepting person to the core, and sexuality doesn’t even register in his mind as something to be concerned with, but Jeff wonders if his attitude would extend to someone he knew had legitimate feelings for him. Especially if said person happened to be one of his best friends.
The truth of the matter is that Jeff is so fucking far gone, has been for a long time now, that he doesn’t even know anything else. He should have stopped this ages ago, when his feelings first began to manifest themselves, walked away from it all. But he’s always known that he could never walk away from Chip, from their friendship, from a career that so many crave and so few are able to actually live, even if it might be better for his mental health in the long run. Chip is technically still married and straight, both theoretically strong deterrents for the thoughts that race through Jeff’s mind and the dreams that plague him at night. Like the slow poison of a drug coursing through his veins, Jeff is completely and hopelessly addicted to Chip. It is the most ridiculous and embarrassingly pathetic feeling he’s ever experienced, frightening and exhilarating in equal measure.
Burying his face in his hands, Jeff tries not to groan at how pathetic his thoughts - his life - have become. It’s not as though he has no other friends in his life. He has many. The problem is that Chip is more than just another friend. The problem is that he isn’t in love with any one of those other people. The problem is that he is completely and utterly fucked, when he gets right down to it.
The feeling of a hand on his shoulder is so unexpected that Jeff literally starts, head flying up to see who's pulled him from his reverie. He doesn’t even hide the surprise at discovering Chip standing before him, bashful and slightly awkward. Chip’s touch is like fire to his skin, even with his suit acting as a barrier between them.
“Hey, um, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” he says, and smiles, tentative, removing his hand from Jeff’s shoulder.
“That’s fine.” Jeff tries not to miss the physical contact. He tries even harder to resist the urge to reach out for Chip, as he is often wont to do.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Chip asks, and holy fuck does it feel like they’re awkward teenagers all of a sudden. When did everything get this weird?
Jeff gestures to the opposite side of the booth, mentally composing himself as Chip takes a seat, a drink in his other hand.
A lengthy silence stretches between them. Jeff sips leisurely at his beer, trying to fake a calmness he doesn’t feel. Every few moments he snatches a glance at Chip, who seems to be watching him rather openly, and that makes something uncomfortable crawl under his skin.
“So,” Chip breathes out, eventually. Jeff meets his gaze. “I just wanted to tell you... Well, I wanted to say sorry, man, for the way I’ve been behaving. I’ve been a complete asshole to you, for no good reason, and you don’t deserve that.”
Jeff nods and takes another sip of his beer. The knot in his stomach loosens ever so slightly.
“I appreciate how you’ve been here for me, well, always. But especially over the past year, with everything going on,” Chip carries on. “You’re a good friend, and I’ve been a prick. So, I’m sorry.”
This time, Jeff permits himself to smile, hesitant. He wraps his fingers around the cool glass of the beer bottle in his hand, and it is the only relief from the sudden heat he feels radiating throughout his body. “I- Well, I can’t say I’ve been happy that you’ve been avoiding me-“ Chip actually flinches at this, “-but I accept your apology. I guess I just don’t really get it...”
Chip swallows, watching him intently. “You don’t really get what?”
“I don’t really understand why you were avoiding me in the first place. I mean, did I do something to offend you? Because if I did, I’d prefer you just tell me than have there be all this-“ Jeff waves his other hand around in an elaborate, though meaningless, gesture, “-weirdness between us.”
He almost regrets the words, at the sight of Chip’s face. A million different emotions seem to flicker across his face in the span of a few moments, everything from guilt to disappointment to something that Jeff can’t quite identify but feels vaguely familiar.
“I know, I know. And I’m sorry.” Chip hangs his head. “But you didn’t do anything, that’s the problem.”
“Then I don’t understand. You’ve been drawing away from me for at least a month.” And how embarrassing is it, that Jeff has actually been keeping track? He silently wills Chip to disregard what he’s just said, even as heat continues to prick at the back of his neck.
Another silence fills the air between them, nothing but music and conversation floating around in the background, though Jeff barely registers any of it. When Chip does speak, it is with a deliberate carefulness, the way he talks when he has something important to say but wants it to come across in a controlled manner. It doesn’t happen very often, or at least not that Jeff has witnessed, and he’s not sure what to make of it all.
“Look, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to tell you any of this, but obviously I’ve been behaving like an ass, so clearly you do need to know.”
This sounds serious. Jeff nods, not knowing what else to do.
“It’s just... Ever since I split from Patty, things have been really tough. I still love her, but over the past several months I- Well, I guess I’ve started contemplating life after this marriage. Starting over, you know? Except everything has been so confusing and muddled and I don’t know if I’m just losing my mind, or what. But I started having these dreams-“ He stops, blinks, and glances down. If Jeff isn’t mistaken, he’d say that Chip was blushing. “At first I thought it was stupid and illogical, maybe some sort of transference type of thing, because, well... it’s ridiculous that I should be feeling this way at all. I mean, I’m fucking forty-five, for God’s sake. I don’t even like men. Or, well, so I thought. Anyway, I figured it’d go away after a day or two, but it didn’t. In fact, it just kept getting worse, much to my irritation. So, I did what made the most sense to me, which was to avoid the problem altogether in the hope that it might actually go away. Which it didn’t. Obviously. And so, here we are.”
When he’s finished, Chip glances up at Jeff, who is rooted to the spot, feeling as confused as ever. He has no fucking idea what Chip is talking about with this whole thing about starting over and confusing dreams and transference and...
Oh. Oh.
Suddenly, everything he’s just said, the way Chip’s been behaving the past month and a bit, starts to click into place, and Jeff feels like he’s been punched in the gut with the weight of this unexpected revelation. Which means that Chip...
Fuck.
His expression must give him away at the exact moment he figures it out, because Chip instantly jumps in to try and smooth things over.
“We can just pretend we never had this conversation, if you want. I mean, I’m sure it’ll pass. I didn’t want to tell you, but I felt like I had no choice, you know? I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.” He shakes his head, as if he’s still surprised that any of this is even happening at all. The feeling is mutual.
Jeff knows what he should say, and what he wants to say, and they are vastly different. But the words are out of his mouth before he can even really contemplate the decision at all. “Who says I want to pretend we never had this conversation?”
Chip blinks, the confusion passing to him now. “All right...?”
“Actually, maybe it’s good, in a way,” Jeff says, without really pausing to think about any of the words before they’re flying out of his mouth. He’s operating on autopilot at the moment. Autopilot, and alcohol. “Maybe we should have discussed this sooner.”
The words hang between them, and Jeff looks away, trying to pretend that they’re not actually talking about what they’re talking about. This whole thing is utter madness.
Chip coughs, fingers tapping nervously against the table, knee bouncing up and down. Jeff can’t see or even really feel the movement, but he knows it’s happening all the same. That’s how well he knows Chip, right down to his nervous fucking habits. Neither makes any attempt to speak, but Jeff knows that Chip will be the one to break the silence when it happens. The ball is in his court for the moment.
“How do you-? I mean, do you-?” Chip finally says, and waves a hand between them, clearly struggling to find the words to express what he wants to say, but Jeff thinks he knows.
It is terrifying to think that after more than ten years of friendship, Jeff is about to reveal something that could destroy everything they have in a heartbeat, but it's either now or never, and never is simply not an option for him any longer. Even though Chip has already laid his own cards on the table, nothing will change without Jeff weighing in on the whole thing with similar sentiments. In a lot of ways, everything comes down to this, and how he chooses to answer the question.
There is danger in these words, in this whole conversation. It is one thing to wonder, to hope, to wish for something more, but entirely another to acknowledge what has hung unspoken between them for years. Or, at least from Jeff’s perspective. He couldn’t possibly claim to know how Chip’s felt about him up until this point. They are standing on the edge of an already thin line, emotions running high and senses muddled by the early effects of the alcohol in their system, but Jeff doesn't know if he could pull out now, even if he wanted to. No matter the result of this conversation, the one certainty Jeff now has is that it will be better than living the rest of his life haunted by the question, 'what if?' With a deep breath, Jeff resolves to take the plunge.
"Chip, I- Yes. For a long time," he says, meeting Chip's gaze head on. And in case there's any doubt as to the meaning of his words, Jeff captures Chip's hand, curling his fingers around his palm and squeezing briefly before letting go.
For a minute, Chip just stares at him, dumbfounded, before he finally seems to get his bearings. “Oh. Right. Okay, then. Good. That’s good. I think?”
An uncertain smile tugs at Jeff’s lips, and he shrugs casually. “Maybe? I’m not really sure, to be honest.”
Chip folds his hands around the glass and sighs a heavy, burdened sigh, like this is too much for him to be dealing with right now. Jeff can’t even begin to comprehend what must be going through Chip’s mind at this very moment, and his chest aches for every doubt, all the fear and regret, that he is most certainly struggling with.
“What can I do to help? What do you want from me?” Jeff asks, his voice soft and hesitant as fear, and possibly a measure of anticipation, unfurls in his stomach.
The response, when it comes, is barely more than a whisper. “I don't know.”
Jeff studies Chip with consideration before reaching a conclusion. “You must. Otherwise, why would you have even bothered to come talk to me at all?”
“I guess... I’ve been having these feelings that are so different and yet so familiar at the same time. But I don’t know if they’re real, or if they’re just-“ he waves his hands around again, “-dream inspired. Don’t have a fucking clue, to be honest, and it’s been killing me.”
“So you want me to help you figure it out?” Jeff raises a single brow curiously.
Chip glances over at him, thoughtfully, and shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t know how you’d be able to.”
“I could kiss you,” Jeff suggests before he even has time to think about how good or bad of a decision this is, his voice even and calm despite the sudden, erratic pounding of his heart in his chest. “Maybe if you get it out of your system and see that kissing me isn’t all that goddamn exciting, you can move on.”
It isn’t a bad idea, in theory. Once Chip kisses him, he’ll probably come back to his senses, and they can carry on again as if nothing ever happened. Well, except for the fact that Jeff’s admitted to his own feelings for Chip. But he’ll learn to live with it. He’s done so for years. What’s a few more decades, really?
“Kiss you,” Chip repeats, and Jeff has to give him credit for not passing out.
“Yeah. Look, you say you’ve been having dreams and you don’t know if any of it is based in reality. So, in theory, if you kiss the real me and you feel nothing, than you can know it was just a figment of your dreams.” How he’s even able to still come up with logical, coherent thought is a mystery at this point, and yet, it’s somehow still happening.
Chip, of course, has to throw him for a loop, just when he thinks maybe he’s getting a handle on everything. “And, uh, what if my feelings remain the same?”
“Then I don’t know,” Jeff says, at length. He’s starting to feel almost light-headed with all this discussion of kissing and feelings and potential futures. Never in a million years did he ever imagine himself having a discussion like this with Chip. Not even once. But he forces himself to stop jumping the gun and get a grip on the here and now, which is truly the most he could hope for at any given moment. “We can deal with that later. Or not. Whatever makes sense.”
Chip nods, hands still clasped, looking for all intents and purposes like a deer caught in the headlights. A terrified deer, knowing full well he’s about to die but is entirely helpless to do anything about it.
“Look, we don’t have to do this,” Jeff says, and is careful to keep his expression neutral. “It was just a suggestion, but obviously it was a shitty one.” The last thing he would ever want to do is somehow pressure Chip into doing something he’d later come to regret, no matter how much Jeff may want this. And he does. So fucking much. But what he wants more is for Chip to be happy again, and that will always come first.
But Chip is shaking his head, one hand suddenly gripping Jeff’s wrist like a vise. “No. No, I want to. I need to know.”
Jeff feels his breath catch in his throat, unable to tear his eyes away from Chip. He looks broken, shoulders sagging, eyes tired and weary, a smattering of stubble across his typically clean-shaven face. He shouldn’t look this damn gorgeous, but the open vulnerability painted across his features causes Jeff’s stomach to twist with desire. He shoves the feelings aside.
“Unless... I mean, I suppose this must be incredibly awkward for you too,” Chip carries on, apparently taking Jeff’s silence to mean he’s having regrets, which couldn’t be further from the truth. “You’ve just admitted to having feelings for me, and here I am, asking to kiss you so I can sort out what my own feelings are. If that isn’t the most disgustingly selfish thing I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. I’m sorry, man, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.”
“Chip, it’s fine. Honestly.” It’s not. Not exactly, anyway. Because Jeff knows that the moment he kisses Chip just once, he’s going to want to continue doing so for the rest of his life, and it’s going to be a fucking nightmare to try and get over him once the realization hits that this isn’t actually what Chip wants. But it doesn’t really matter, in the end, because right now Jeff is just desperate enough to accept anything Chip has to offer. One kiss might turn him into a complete fucking wreck, but at least he’ll still have that memory, which is more than he started with.
Chip turns his face away from Jeff, the deep stain of his blush visible even under the dim bar lights. Jeff shuffles around the back of the booth until he’s sitting almost beside Chip now. He hesitates for just a second before he reaches out and palms the back of Chip’s neck, thumb brushing gently against the firm line of his jaw. With a start, Chip turns back to meet Jeff’s gaze, eyes wide and breath coming out in shallow pants. But he doesn’t pull away from the touch, leans into it instead, and Jeff continues to stroke his face soothingly, feeling encouraged. Over the years, they’ve physically invaded each other’s spaces in the most inappropriate of manners more times than he can count, been far closer than they are now, but in spite of everything they’ve been through, this is by far the most intimate touch they’ve ever shared. It’s enough to make Jeff’s stomach drop, though not unpleasantly.
Leaning forward, Jeff presses his forehead to Chip’s, and concentrates on simply breathing, in and out, steady, calm, as if he’s not about to kiss one of his best friends, who also happens to be a long-time repressed love.
“However you want this to go is entirely up to you. There’s no pressure and I expect nothing out of this. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. But if you don’t want to go through with it, all you need to say is no and we can pretend like this none of this ever happened,” Jeff says, and reaches up to press his left palm to the center of Chip’s chest. Even through his dress shirt, the rapid thrum of his heartbeat pulses against Jeff’s hand, and a jolt of heat shoots straight down to Jeff’s groin.
A moment passes in silence, then another, and Jeff tries to keep breathing steadily through the sudden fear that it’s possible Chip really will change his mind, when he feels the gentle press of Chip’s hand against his hip. It is enough to urge Jeff into action, and he finally closes the gap between them.
Jeff is gentle and careful, the kiss little more than the soft press of lips at first, because he doesn’t want to scare Chip away. For his part, Chip remains almost motionless, not pushing him away but not responding either, and Jeff starts to think that maybe this was a terrible idea after all. Something hot and painful burns in his chest at the thought that this is it, this is all he will ever get, but he won’t force anything on Chip, would never dream of it. He decides to cut his losses, and pulls back with every intention of laughing the whole thing off as a failed experiment, when suddenly Chip’s hand finds its way to the back of Jeff’s neck, pulling him back in.
This time when their lips meet, something changes. The hesitancy from before is replaced by clear intent as Chip responds with enthusiasm to the movement of Jeff’s mouth against his own. There is no way of knowing what changed for him over the course of those two seconds, but Jeff isn’t about to complain. Chip twists in his seat until they’re facing each other more directly, and he pulls away just long enough to adjust the angle of their kiss. When Chip’s lips part a moment later, and his tongue flicks out to run across Jeff’s bottom lip, Jeff takes it for the invitation that it is, and opens his mouth.
A low moan escapes unbidden from Jeff’s throat as Chip’s tongue slips into his mouth, tentative but curious at the same time. Jeff welcomes the intrusion, tongue sweeping across Chip’s, and allows him to explore, all the while attempting to tug Chip impossibly closer. Jeff moves the hand still pressed to Chip’s chest up to his shoulder, and then slides his finger up Chip’s neck. He traces circles with his thumb into the skin just below the collar of Chip’s dress shirt, and he can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to trail kisses down the hard line of Chip’s jaw, to taste the salty skin at his neck, to tease his nipple with his tongue. He would do anything to have Chip like that, soft, pliant and responsive to his touch, but that’s not what this is about, and he wants to store everything about this moment in his memory, in case it’s the only one he ever gets.
Kissing Chip isn’t like anything he expected. All these years of imagining and dreaming about it could never have done this moment justice. Chip is so passionate, yet exceedingly tender. Even though this kiss is more about him than about Jeff, Chip seems intent on coaxing as much pleasure out of him as he can, taking his time as though there’s no reason to rush, no hurry to finish. Lips move, tongues taste, hands explore, and Jeff feels like he’s possibly died and gone to heaven (if there is such a place). Jeff pours everything he has into this, because if this is it, then he wants to ensure that he’s shown Chip all that he has to offer, and all that he means to Jeff.
Eventually, after what feels like far too little time, Jeff forces himself to pull away from Chip, before he loses what’s left of his ability to think rationally. He’s already teetering on the edge, lips searing, brain muddled and body responding quite distinctively to the kiss they’ve just shared. But instead of backing away quickly, like he knows he should, he rests his forehead against Chip’s again, allowing them a little extra intimacy while they catch their breath.
Jeff drops one hand, but keeps the other at the nape of Chip’s neck, fingers threading through the hair that he finds there. He knows this touch is bordering on being highly inappropriate, now that the kiss is over, but he can’t help but indulge himself for a few extra seconds before everything has to come to an end. It is further encouraged by the fact that Chip doesn’t do anything to stop him, his own hand resting just above Jeff’s left knee, fingers pressing loosely into his flesh.
Finally Jeff pulls back properly to survey Chip. He looks... well, he looks positively ravished, with swollen lips, tousled hair, and dark, lust-blown eyes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to determine that Chip was as affected by the kiss as Jeff, but he knows that Chip will need time to process and sort through all of this. Hell, he needs time to make sense of this whole fucking thing, a fantasy that actually turned into a reality.
Chip blinks at Jeff, twice, then turns back towards the table and buries his face in his hands. It’s a less than encouraging sign, but then Jeff can’t even begin to imagine what must be running through Chip’s mind. Jeff has the clear advantage here in that he’s had a great deal of time to determine exactly how he feels about Chip and what he might want from him. Chip is coming off a twenty year marriage, and the first person he’s kissed is his male best friend after having erotic dreams about the two of them for a couple of months. Naturally, it’s not exactly something that can be easily sorted through. So Jeff gives him space, folding his arms loosely across his chest and merely waits.
Several minutes pass in virtual silence, and Jeff starts to wonder if Chip’s actually all right after all.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jeff finally permits himself to ask. His hand hovers over Chip's shoulder for a few seconds before he makes the decision to complete the action, and he chooses to take it as a promising sign when Chip doesn't flinch away from his touch.
A moment later, Chip’s hands fall from his face and he turns to eye Jeff, a tight smile on his lips. “Yeah. I just... this is a lot for me to deal with right now, you know?”
Jeff nods solemnly. “Of course. We can just pretend that this never happened, if that would help?”
A lengthy silence penetrates the space between them. “I don’t think I can,” Chip finally admits, ducking his head. “But maybe... maybe that would be preferable.”
Jeff feels his heart sink to his feet, even as he scolds himself for ever getting his hopes up about any of this. Of course Chip wouldn’t kiss Jeff and then magically decide he wanted to spend the rest of his life having hot, passionate sex with him. What the fuck is wrong with him, anyway?
“Yeah, okay. Of course,” Jeff says, glancing down at his hands. This isn’t about him, and never was. “Anything you need me to do for you, I will. I promise.” He tosses Chip a watery smile that he hopes comes across as more genuine than he feels, before returning his attention back to his hands. Hands bound to be his only companion for a long time to come, it would seem.
But before he even has time to contemplate how to make a hasty, yet subtle retreat, Chip’s fingers curl around his arm, tugging gently until he meets Chip’s gaze. “Jeff, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying I want to forget this ever happened, because I honestly don’t see how the hell I could.”
Jeff feels a modicum of hope return, but he squashes it before he can get too carried away again. “All right,” he says, and nods, uncertain.
“What we just shared definitely confirms what I already suspected...” he trails off, a soft and mildly sheepish smile tugging at his lips momentarily before it’s replaced with a serious expression once more. “But this is a huge deal for me right now. I haven’t even been separated from my wife for a year and we’re nowhere close to being divorced. I just kissed one of my very male best friends for the first time in my life, and I liked it. A lot.”
“That sounds like it’d make a great song,” Jeff interjects jokingly, and is rewarded with a smirk from Chip in return.
“I don’t want to promise you anything I don’t know I can give, Jeff,” Chip carries on, in that typically fucking noble manner that Jeff both loves and loathes in equal measure.
“You don’t have to promise me anything.”
“And I don’t want you to have to wait around while I sort out all of my damn baggage.”
“You’re worth waiting for,” Jeff says, then nearly groans when he realizes what he’s just said. He shakes his head, feeling particularly ridiculous and tries not to blush. But since he’s already started down this path, he figures there’s no point in holding back now. “Look, there’s no pressure here from me. You take all the time you need to sort through everything. If you decide that you want to pursue something with me, then just know that I’m here and willing. But if not, that’s fine too. There’s nothing for you to be concerned about. Or, if you’re not sure and just want to experiment with a fine male specimen such as myself, I won’t be opposed to that either,” Jeff says with a smirk, his voice holding an element of confidence that belies the insecurity he actually feels.
A low, rumbling chuckle radiates from Chip, and suddenly, rather unexpectedly, Jeff finds himself being kissed again. It is short, but sweet; tender, yet filled with affection and assurance.
“What was that for?” Jeff asks, when they part. “Not that I minded, but I thought you just said-“
Chip nods. “I did. And I meant it. I don’t know what to expect or even to hope for in the future. Or how far away that future might be. But I think that if I was to start over with someone new... I think, maybe - and keep in mind that this is still a big maybe - but I think it’s possible that I could see it being with you. I need time, though, and I won’t expect you to sit around and wait for me. If you ever found someone else, I’d never hold that against you. I just need you to know.”
“You wouldn’t be you, if you didn’t.” Jeff is pretty sure his grin is so bright that it might be blinding the other patrons in the casino. “Whatever you decide, I can accept, as long as you can handle being around me, knowing how I feel about you.”
“Of course,” Chip says, honest and sincere. “You’re still my best friend, no matter what.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Jeff smiles, and then, because he doesn’t feel quite so ill any longer, finally finishes off the last of his beer. Chip joins him, and they quickly settle into a comfortable silence.
“Should we get a couple more drinks?” Chip suggests eventually, and Jeff nods, gesturing for a waitress.
Nothing is guaranteed, of course, nor has anything really been clarified. But Jeff has one of his best friends back, and just enough hope for a future with him - one he never imagined would ever happen, even in his wildest dreams - no matter how miniscule the odds. So even if nothing happens in the end, he knows that at least he’ll always have these memories. And Jeff is willing to wait, no matter the outcome, because Chip is worth it.
The End