Fanfic - This Dark Road Will Lead Us Where We Want to Be (10/11)
Title: This Dark Road Will Lead Us Where We Want to Be
Author: Mel (accordingtomel)
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything up to and including 2x13
Word Count: 90,521
Disclaimer: Sadly, they are not mine and I do not own them, much as I might like to.
Art Link: Right here. But please note: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR THE FIC IN THE ART!
Author’s Note: See part one.
Part Nine
“So, tell me, you with this unique and powerful soul bond, why are you seeking to have the bond removed?”
Merlin caught his gaze, looking as uncertain as Arthur felt. In a lot of ways, after hearing about everything their soul bond actually entailed, it was a really valid question. “It’s sort of complicated,” Arthur eventually told her.
“Complicated, how? You are together sexually, are you not?”
Merlin gasped at the question, Arthur continued to pretend that he was not at all embarrassed by any of this. “Yes, but it’s not that--“
“I sense a great deal of affection between you two; the trials demonstrated a deep love that you have for one another.”
Merlin squawked, and Arthur decided that he was no help whatsoever in this whole thing. “Of course I care about him,” -- it was all Arthur was willing to admit just yet -- “but there’s more to it than that.”
She held up a hand, requesting his silence, and he gave it to her, wondering what she was going to say now. Tapping her chin thoughtfully she said directly to Arthur, “You are Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon, king of Camelot.” Turning to Merlin she continued, “And you are Merlin Emrys, son of Balinor, mighty Dragonlord and an enemy of Uther Pendragon. Your union was the result of a deep bond that already existed between you, which you used to prevent Merlin’s death. Now you seek to break the bond so that neither of your lives will be at risk when you return to Camelot, even though the threat has not subsided for either of you.”
Arthur frowned slightly, wondering how she'd even come into possession of that knowledge. However, when put like that, breaking their bond didn’t seem so wise of a decision after all.
“Do you still desire to break your bond?” she asked, looking at each one in turn, and Arthur hesitated.
Merlin was the one to speak first, however. “Are there consequences for breaking a soul bond?” he asked, and Arthur was immensely grateful for the question.
The high priestess nodded thoughtfully. “Yes. As your bond is still new, it wouldn’t be as risky as attempting to break a bond that was old, but there are still potential complications that arise.”
“What are those?” Arthur asked.
"Whenever the bonded break their connection, one of the side effects most experienced is sadness, whether it's as minor as feeling down for a few days, to experiencing a lengthy depression. The impact always depends on the strength of the bond, as well as the length of time the individuals have been bonded. Another common side effect is the loss of appetite and the loss of sleep, which can range from days to weeks in length. The most difficult consequence of breaking a bond isn't as common as the others, but it is undeniably the most distressing of them all if experienced."
There was a momentary break, and Arthur felt as if he was literally on the edge of his seat. "What is it?" he breathed, eager to know the full extent of the side effects.
She seemed attuned to his eagerness, but still took her time with responding. “Sometimes when a bond is split, the individuals go through a withdrawal from the other person, as the feelings and emotions that had previously fused together are torn apart. Emotionally, their bodies will still crave the connection they once had, but when they are unable to find it, it can cause a great deal of psychological distress, sometimes even trauma. Additionally, the bonded individuals will never be able to restore the same level of intimacy that they experienced while bonded, and sometimes not even the closeness they experienced prior to the bond. Again, it can last anywhere from a couple of days to several years. Symptoms are heightened by the traditional means, as well as the degree to which they desire to actually sever the bond.”
She paused for several moments, allowing the reality of her words to sink in. Arthur had been hesitant to break the bond with Merlin right from the beginning, only embarking on the mission at all as a way to once again try and save Merlin’s life. But he didn’t like the idea of going through withdrawals from him. And worse, from never experiencing the same level of connectedness as they felt now. The thought stabbed at his heart, and he could feel the same radiating from Merlin as well.
“So, are you ready to go through with the ceremony?” she finally asked them.
Arthur could feel Merlin staring at him, expecting him to be the one to respond to this, and really, it made sense. Arthur had been the one who'd bonded them in the first place, then dragged Merlin on this excursion to sever the connection, so he should logically be the one to make the final call. Except that every time he thought about saying 'yes', his brain shouted no! right back with greater intensity. The ability to make important decisions in a timely manner was one of many skills required of a great king. Years worth of Uther drilling the sentiment that 'he who hesitates, loses' came back to him in a rush, and yet, his earlier reluctance still loomed heavily, rendering Arthur just short of paralysed.
He knew only a few things for certain. The first was that remaining bonded to Merlin was incredibly risky, in spite of the fact that they could potentially train their bond, no matter what they did after leaving this place. As it stood, if Arthur died, so would Merlin, and vice versa. And with Merlin's fondness for jumping into the line of fire for Arthur at every possible turn, the risk increased exponentially. The second thing he knew was that he had a responsibility to the people of Camelot, as their future king. At the same time, he also had a responsibility to Merlin, to watch out for and protect him. Not only as a citizen of Camelot, but as a friend... and as Arthur’s partner. The final thing Arthur could be certain of, even if he’d only just reached this conclusion with certainty, was that if he were to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t want to break their bond. Which was not to say that Arthur hadn't been thinking this all along, but something about the high priestesses words finally sealed the decision in his mind, pushing out the last remnants of lingering doubt that said keeping the bond would be a mistake.
The high priestess eyed him expectantly. "Well?"
She waited. Merlin remained uncharacteristically silent. Arthur floundered as he continued to wage an internal war within his mind over what to do, in spite of what he knew he now wanted.
Finally Merlin's fingers curled gently around Arthur's wrist, tugging lightly on his arm. "Arthur, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked, voice barely more than a whisper, but still loud enough for the high priestess to hear.
Arthur nodded blankly, and allowed himself to be pulled off to the side of the room.
"What's going on?" he asked, crowding into Arthur's personal space as he moved to stand between Arthur and the priestess. "Is there some reason why you don't want to break the soul bond?"
Arthur briefly considered feigning ignorance, but he knew that much as he loved to antagonise Merlin, he actually wasn't quite that thick. "I don't know," Arthur admitted.
"You don't know what's going on, or you don't know if there's a reason why you don't want to break the bond?"
"Both." Arthur sighed and dug fingers into his hair. "Both," he repeated.
Merlin peered at him curiously, confusion written plainly across his face. "I don't understand. I thought this was what you wanted, why we went on this journey in the first place."
"You really thought this was what I wanted?" Arthur attempted to keep the incredulous tone from his voice, but wasn't sure if he succeeded or not.
Merlin quirked his shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe. There were a couple of times when I thought maybe you didn't, but you never said one way or the other, so I just assumed... Are you saying that I was wrong?"
"No, you weren't." Arthur stopped at the hurt look that briefly passed over Merlin's features, wanting to immediately erase it. "Well, not initially anyway. To be honest, my only real concern at the beginning was preventing your death and getting you as far away from Camelot as possible. I spent a lot of time not thinking too much about what we were doing, and then there were other things that arose..." He waved a hand around aimlessly, not having a specific reference in mind but content with allowing Merlin to take his pick. "And even though I knew what we were doing, I never actually thought about it. Not really.”
Arms folded across his chest as Merlin continued to study Arthur intently. “So now that you’ve had a bit of time to think about it?” he prodded gently.
Now that he was faced directly with the reality of the decision, it wasn’t a difficult answer after all. Arthur didn’t want to break their bond, in spite of the numerous and logical reasons as to why they should. There was a tiny part of him that suspected he’d known this truth all along but hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge it.
“Merlin, there are about fifty reasons why not breaking our soul bond is an absolutely terrible idea,” he said, entirely ignoring Merlin’s question while still answering it in a different way.
“Mmm yeah, you’re right,” Merlin agreed, nodding knowingly. “But what do you want to do?”
“This isn’t my decision alone to make,” Arthur said, sidestepping the question once more.
Merlin shook his head. “No, it’s not. But I want to know what you think.”
“What about you?”
“You first.”
Arthur’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Merlin, this is not the time for games.”
“I know that,” he scoffed. A moment later, Merlin reached out to clasp onto Arthur’s left arm, squeezing just above the elbow. “But I need to know what you want to do first.”
Arthur’s gaze dropped to the hand on his arm, but he said nothing.
“Why is it so hard for you to just admit it?” Merlin asked in that typically knowing tone that seemed to be exclusively reserved for Arthur. It was thoroughly frustrating, even after two years of enduring it.
“It’s not,” he protested, even though it apparently was.
“Then tell me what you want to do about the soul bond.” He squeezed again, firmer this time, and for some reason, Arthur felt his hesitation wane.
“Fine. I don’t want to break our bond. Is that what you want to hear?” Arthur asked, pointedly avoiding Merlin’s gaze.
There was a long pause, and then, “Yes. Because I don’t want to break our bond either.”
Arthur’s head snapped up, eyes seeking Merlin’s. “Really?”
Merlin nodded once, slowly. “Of course.”
“This is a bad idea, you know.”
“I know.”
The high priestess coughed, and they both turned to stare at her. She smiled over at them, but there was an element of impatience in her expression. “Have you made your decision?”
Arthur stepped forward, tugging Merlin along with him. “We have,” he said.
Arthur glanced quickly over at Merlin before returning his attention to the priestess. “We’ve decided not to go through with it,” he told her with confidence.
She didn’t appear the least bit surprised. “As you wish. I hope you’re able to figure things out.” The woman gestured towards the door. “As you are unable to leave here the way you arrived, I will transport you back to the front entrance. Take care, and remember that if you do change your mind, I will be here.” They nodded simultaneously.
And with the snap of her fingers, Merlin and Arthur were transported out of the tower and back to their horses.
Silence stretched between them for a long time after exiting the high priestess’ tower, confusion and uncertainty hanging in the air like a secret that everyone knew about but didn’t want to acknowledge. There was no longer any sense of urgency; they mounted the horses that’d been tied to a tree just outside of the building and set off, going no faster than a sluggish trot. Every once in a while, Arthur could feel Merlin staring at him, but the instant Arthur turned to meet his gaze, Merlin glanced away again.
“Arthur, what are we going to do?” Merlin finally asked, nearly half an hour later, giving voice to the question that weighed heavily on both of their minds.
In truth, Arthur had no idea what to do, now that they’d decided to keep their bond. He hadn’t exactly thought that far in advance. All he knew for certain was that the thought of breaking the bond had been too much, especially with the knowledge of the ways they could grow into it, and the potential consequences of breaking the strong connection they had. It wasn’t worth the risk.
He sighed, casting Merlin a sidelong glance. “Honestly, Merlin, I don’t know,” he admitted. So they continued to ride, the sounds of birds and hooves crunching the leaves beneath their feet the only noise for quite some time.
Later that evening, just following an early dinner that neither ate much of, Arthur declared that there was a small river nearby and it would be wise for both to bathe.
He stripped quickly, sinking into the edge of the surprisingly warm river, submerging himself up to his neck as he felt some of the tension drain away from his tight muscles.
“Hurry up, Merlin,” he called out, gesturing lazily towards his manservant, who stood at the edge of the embankment, still wearing his trousers.
“Yes, I’m coming,” Merlin grumbled, staring intently at something on the other side of the stream but making no move to actually do anything.
“I know I’m beautiful and therefore an incredible distraction, but you might want to get in here before we have no sun left to dry us,” Arthur said with a smirk.
It seemed to be enough to pull Merlin out of his daze, however, and he finished undressing quickly, tossing his clothes into a pile beside Arthur’s and carefully lowering himself into the water.
Arthur stood up, the water level coming to rest just above his stomach, and he trudged through the stream until he was standing directly across from Merlin. “Are you all right?” he asked, reaching out to grab Merlin’s hand under the water.
Merlin nodded. “I am. I just wish I knew what we were going to do.” He bit his lip and gazed down at the water, at their joined hands, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth.
It was obviously weighing as heavily on Merlin’s mind as it was on Arthur’s. He’d thought about nothing else since leaving the high priestess, and had reached a few conclusions of his own. Still grasping onto Merlin’s hand, Arthur tugged him down, until they were both submerged in the water up until their necks.
“As far as I see it, we really only have three options.”
“Which are?”
One hand emerged from the water so Arthur could demonstrate each point as it was made. “One, we both go back to Camelot.” He held up a second finger. “Two, I go back to Camelot and you stay away until it’s safe for you to return.” Merlin looked as though he was about to protest, and Arthur shook his head at him, raising the third finger of his hand instead. “And three, neither of us return to Camelot.”
“But Arthur, you can’t just--“
That same hand interrupted Merlin’s protests, clamping down on his mouth and muffling all attempts at speech. “Just be quiet for a second,” Arthur instructed. “I’m not done speaking yet.”
He waited several moments, until it looked as if Merlin was doing as he was told, before removing the hand from his mouth. Merlin narrowed eyes at Arthur, but remained silent.
“The first option is clearly out of the question, as my father will have you executed should you ever return to Camelot. We always knew this,” Arthur explained, still feeling saddened for his father who was so overcome with hatred and guilt that he couldn’t see that there was more than one way to view the world. He shook his head of the thought, returning his focus once again to the task at hand. “The second option also makes little sense, as I know you well enough by now to know that you won’t actually stay away. That puts you at risk of execution, and I’m not willing to take that chance with you.”
Merlin blinked at him, looking affronted. “I’m not that stupid,” he said, pulling his free hand to reach up and slick back his hair. “I wouldn’t risk both your life and mine.”
This time it was Arthur’s turn to shoot Merlin a disbelieving look. He chuckled, wondering if Merlin actually believed what he was saying and stood up once more. “You do realise that you’re either delusional or a very good liar, right? I know for an absolute fact that you won’t be able to stay away from Camelot, even for a few days, let alone any sort of extended period. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you could stay away from Camelot and away from me for an indeterminate amount of time, without ever being tempted to sneak back in to check up on things?”
Arthur folded arms across his chest and watched as Merlin stood as well, fight melting away as he considered the question. They both knew there was only one sincere answer that could be given, and as much as Merlin didn’t want to admit it, they both knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, no matter what he tried to tell himself.
“All right, fine,” Merlin conceded, throwing his arms up in defeat. “You’re right. I probably would try and sneak back into Camelot. But can you blame me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, sire, but a lot of bad things seem to happen to you. I could never live with myself if I allowed you to get hurt somehow.”
“You do realise I’m not completely helpless, right?” Arthur asked, just because he felt it was necessary. He was getting a little tired of the fact that Merlin seemed to constantly imply that Arthur would be dead five hundred times over were it not for him. Even if it was true, he still had an ego to protect, and had saved Merlin’s scrawny, albeit lovely, arse on more than one occasion as well.
Merlin smirked at him and took a step towards Arthur. “I know. That’s not what I meant. But then what other option do we have? Both of us leaving Camelot?”
“It seems to be the only logical thing to do, actually,” Arthur admitted with a shrug, his tone belying the seriousness of the suggestion.
“You can’t leave Camelot. That’d be... that’d be completely out of the question,” Merlin stammered.
“Why?” Arthur shot back.
“What do you mean why? Because you’re the prince, that’s why. You can’t just leave your kingdom!”
“So, instead, I go back and either carry on without you, always worried sick that you’re going to get caught or be showing up in random places, or I return and you do show up, and I have no means of saving you a second time. Neither sound like particularly pleasant options, Merlin.”
Merlin gaped openly at him, as if Arthur had a horn growing out of his forehead, and planted both hands on his hips. “But what about your responsibilities? What about your position? What about your father?”
They were all fair questions, and Arthur certainly didn’t have all the answers. But like it or not, this soul bonding business had forever altered Arthur’s relationship with his father, and even if he was to return to Camelot without Merlin and without the ties of the soul bond, things would never again be as they once were. And this was a reality that Arthur had been turning over in his mind for quite some time now, but was only just recently hitting home.
Arthur took a step towards Merlin, wrapping his arms loosely around Merlin’s waist, just above where Merlin’s hands still remained firmly planted on his hips. “There are others who can take over in my absence, others on the council and amongst my knights that would do a fine job of taking care of all the responsibilities and duties I once had. I can’t say one way or another if my father would disinherit me, but I’m sure we’ll catch wind of it if something changes, in which case we can figure out what to do then.”
Merlin’s features softened just a bit, and his hands fell from his hips. “And what about your father? What will he think if you don’t return? Are you willing to just leave things as they are right now?”
Arthur sighed, leaning his forehead against Merlin’s for a moment, eyes closing briefly. He pulled back then, met with Merlin’s intoxicating gaze, and that seemed to soothe him somehow. “Merlin, I don’t see what other choices there are, save for going back to challenge the throne right now, and we both know that would end poorly. This isn’t exactly how I would have planned things to work out in the end, but I made my decision weeks ago, knowing full well that there would be some difficult consequences along the way. And I made that same decision earlier today when I declared that I didn’t want to break the bond.
“To return to Camelot right now would accomplish nothing. My father would still be furious with me and there would be an incredible amount of tension between us. The appearance of a divided household would lead to rumours that Camelot is weak, which could very well lead to some of Camelot’s enemies deciding to take it upon themselves to start a war in the hopes of catching us off guard. I still love my father, despite all that he’s done, and I know that he loves me. But I think that to return home now would only lead to more problems than anything else. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Merlin was silent for several moments, as he attempted to absorb all this information. It was either a testament to Arthur’s mild obsession with Merlin, or the fact that he simply knew him so well, but he could almost see the decision click in Merlin's mind, before he voiced it.
“I suppose I can see what you’re saying,” Merlin said, forehead crinkling. “But what will your father think? And where will we go?”
“We’re meeting up with Leon tomorrow. We can tell him to report back to my father that we disappeared. As to where we’ll go, I think that there are many options on that front.”
“But isn’t that sort of, I don’t know,” Merlin gestured around them, “sort of cruel? Just to disappear like that and leave the king without any explanation? Don’t you think he’ll come looking for you? Or, uh, for us?”
Arthur grabbed at the flailing hand, pulling it back underneath the water. He had to admit that Merlin did have somewhat of a point about his father, but at least they weren’t leading him to believe that the two of them were dead. “Look, to be honest, I think my father suspects that we might be together already anyway. It’s very possible that he will hear that we’ve ‘disappeared’ and come to the conclusion that it was by choice and not due to some tragedy. Even if he suspects something is amiss, it doesn’t mean he’ll come after us. Besides, we can handle whatever my father might throw our way. He won’t waste valuable resources on us either way, though. Not unless he thinks something suspicious is going on, which we will ensure doesn’t happen.”
For all Arthur’s attempts at reassuring Merlin, he was bloody stubborn. Worry lines edged his face, and Arthur wanted them to go away. “Do you think maybe he might come after Ealdor, or my mother?”
“I can’t see what that would ultimately accomplish, but we can keep an eye out if you’re concerned about that.”
“What about Gaius?”
“Merlin, you worry too much,” Arthur said, pulling Merlin close and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Stop it. My father wouldn’t hurt Gaius. Now if you insist on this incessant worrying, I’m going to be forced to punish you.”
Merlin eyed him, looking less than convinced, but when he eventually nodded, Arthur pulled away, dipping back under the water for a moment before reemerging and splashing his companion in the process. “Now, pass me the soap, would you?”
"Arthur, are you absolutely sure this is the right thing to do?" Merlin asked again the next morning following breakfast, even though they'd done nothing but discuss this issue most of the previous night. Merlin was kneeling behind an already seated Arthur.
Strong arms folded across Arthur's shoulders, wrapping tightly around his body, face pressing up against his own. Arthur leaned back into the embrace, relishing the feeling of being held in Merlin's arms, and turned his cheek slightly to press into Merlin, and he closed his eyes, feeling content.
"Of course it is," he replied, with more confidence than he felt.
Merlin began tracing light patterns with his thumb across Arthur's shoulder, the touch gentle but intimate, and it made Arthur feel warm and loved.
"You can go back, you know," Merlin hummed softly. "Return home and tell your father whatever you need to tell him so he allows you to stay. I can wait... hide. It won't be that bad, I'm sure."
He smiled, genuinely touched by the offer, but Arthur knew as well as Merlin that he would be sneaking back into Camelot every other day. It was far too great a risk, one that Arthur was not willing to take, no matter how much Merlin tried to convince him otherwise. "You absolutely will not hide," he declared with a grin, and felt Merlin's laugh as much as he heard it.
"I can try," Merlin offered placatingly, giving Arthur's shoulders a squeeze, and he felt affection bubbling up in his stomach. Things had never exactly been easy for Arthur, despite his upbringing and privilege, and those complications only intensified once Merlin had been introduced into his life. But for all the ridiculous and sometimes incredibly dangerous situations they found themselves in, Arthur couldn't imagine his life without Merlin, didn't even want to try. He would gladly remain with him, for however long it took, so that when they finally were able to return to Camelot, it would be together.
"Thank you, Merlin. But we both know that won't happen."
He felt Merlin sigh. “I just don’t want you to give up something that’s so important to you. For me. I mean, I appreciate it, Arthur. Don’t get me wrong. But if this isn’t what you want, then I don’t want to be the one holding you back. I’ll find a way to wait.”
They were possibly the sweetest words ever to spill from Merlin’s mouth, and Arthur loved him all the more for it.
Reaching up, he grabbed a hold of Merlin’s wrist and tugged on it. “Come here,” he commanded, and pried Merlin’s arms away from his shoulders, pulling on one hand until Merlin lurched forwards and to the side, falling into Arthur’s lap. They fumbled for a moment, limbs flailing about wildly, and Arthur manhandled Merlin until he was sitting in his lap, legs curling around his back. It wasn’t nearly as comfortable as Arthur imagined it would be in his head -- Merlin, scrawny though he was, still weighed a considerable amount, the hard ground beneath his arse unrelenting, especially with the added body weight of another person -- but it suited him just fine.
“I’m only going to say this once, so you’d better pay attention,” Arthur started off. “Camelot isn’t going anywhere. Even if I were to return now, the tension between my father and I would be too much for either of us to deal with. We need some time to sort things out and let the air clear. I’m not giving anything up by distancing myself. But I would be if I went back alone. The only thing I need is for you to shut up and stop fighting me on everything and at least try and be enjoyable company for however long we are away.”
The ending of that speech hadn’t exactly gone as planned, but Arthur had a hard time expressing his feelings. Especially when they were so overwhelming, even though he was willing to recognise that he’d been in repressed love with Merlin for a lot longer than he cared to acknowledge, though he wasn't willing to use the word just yet. What he’d meant to say was that the only thing he needed was Merlin. Thankfully, the beaming grin plastered across his face told Arthur that he’d managed to decipher the code anyway.
“I always suspected you had a thing for me,” Merlin teased, smirking from ear to ear.
Arthur opened his mouth to retort something clever, but then Merlin was pressing his lips to Arthur’s, kissing him with so much warmth and affection that all thoughts of protest promptly died in his throat. Hands cupped Merlin’s face, fingertips burying into the outer fringes of his dark hair as Arthur deepened the kiss. It was slow and languid, exploring and tasting, without any particular intent except for simply enjoying the freedom in being together so intimately, and Arthur was quite certain that he would never tire of this, ever.
When they finally parted for air, Arthur smiled at Merlin, far happier than the situation should warrant but not caring either way, and wrapped his arms around the man’s back, pulling him into a tight embrace.
“It’ll be all right,” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s ear. “We’ll get through this.”
Merlin’s only response was to hold Arthur tighter in his arms, and somehow it was enough of an assurance for him that things would work out all right in the end.
Before sneaking away from the rest of the knights four days ago, Arthur had arranged to meet up with Leon when they were approximately half a day’s ride away, a few hours before dusk. The whole plan had been sketchy at best, as neither knew exactly what would happen once they parted, and whether or not it would even be possible to reconnect again. Still, provided Leon led the others down the exact route Arthur left for them, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, theoretically, it would have been possible to cross paths once more.
“Do you think he’ll actually make it?” Merlin’s voice was a whisper, breath ghosting across Arthur’s ear as they crouched amidst the brush overlooking the edge of the bog designated as their meeting place.
Arthur shrugged. He honestly had no idea what the odds were of Leon actually showing up on time, but if anyone could do it, Arthur knew it was him. “I don’t know. But I do know that if I had to count on someone, it’d be Leon,” Arthur said.
They’d set out early that evening, while the sun's light still beamed merrily down on them in a brilliantly clear sky, in order to make it to their meeting spot early, so they could hide. It was important for them to assess the situation before rushing out to meet up with Leon. Arthur had requested that if Merlin knew any invisibility spells, now would be an appropriate time to use them, to which Merlin informed him that he hadn’t mastered it yet and wasn’t willing to take that risk right now. So instead they took up residence behind a bush. It was not the most comfortable place in the world, but both agreed that it was worth it to prevent detection.
“How long do you think we should wait for him?” Merlin continued to natter quietly in Arthur’s ear.
A lazy shoulder quirked in response. “It’s only been an hour since we arrived. We need to give him more time than that. Who knows what kinds of things could have stalled him.”
“I wasn’t suggesting we leave. I was just wondering...” Merlin said, and Arthur could practically feel the annoyed pout curling on his lips.
The sound of crunching leaves and breaking twigs startled them both into silence, and Arthur’s eyes widened, peering through the brush as he scanned the area quickly, searching for the source of the sound.
He saw nothing for several moments, and then, from behind a tree approximately twenty yards away, Leon stepped out, eyes darting around, searching for something -- someone. Arthur felt Merlin twitch beside him, and he instinctively reached out and grasped onto his wrist, squeezing it in a silent warning to remain absolutely still. Arthur forced himself to wait a full five minutes, listening intently for the sound of another pair of boots following Leon to their hiding place, but there was nothing.
Finally, once he felt the coast was indeed clear, Arthur tapped Merlin’s hand and inclined his head towards the knight. Standing slowly, he stepped out from behind the bush, startling Leon in the process.
“Sire!” he cried out, jumping on the spot in surprise, but at Arthur’s gestures, he lowered his voice. “I’m glad to see you,” he tried again, softer this time.
“You too, Leon,” Arthur said at the same moment that Merlin came over to join them.
“Merlin?” Leon’s eyes darted to the sorcerer in surprise, then back to Arthur. “I thought you would have been long gone by now.”
Both of Merlin’s brows shot to the top of his forehead, furrowing in confusion, but Arthur held up a hand to prevent him from speaking.
“I’ll explain in a moment,” Arthur directed at Leon. “But first, I need to know if you were followed. Understandably, this is a bit risky for both of us.”
Leon tossed a quick glance back over both shoulders and shook his head, folding arms loosely across his chest. “There’s no way I was followed. They have no reason to think my movements need to be tracked. In fact, I managed to completely avoid any suspicion whatsoever. They think the escape was magic induced, and have every intention of finding you both tomorrow.” He smiled, wide and satisfied, looking proud of himself.
Arthur wasn’t quite sure how Leon had managed to pull the scheme off, but he was impressed all the same. “I knew I could count on you,” Arthur said, voice full of praise.
Leon shuffled his feet and actually looked bashful for a few moments, a look Arthur had never seen on the burly knight before. “So what happened, sire?” he asked after a moment. “Were you able to break the bond?”
Merlin coughed lightly beside him, and Arthur’s eyes dropped briefly to the ground. He wasn’t exactly sure how to break this piece of news to Leon, or how he would react, for that matter. But lying wouldn’t accomplish anything and after everything the man had done for Arthur and Merlin, he doubted that this would suddenly change everything.
“Not exactly,” he said, raising his chin to look Leon in the eye. Arthur could feel Merlin’s eyes boring into the side of his face.
Leon’s forehead crinkled, brows furrowing. “Why not? Did something go wrong?”
“No, we found the high priestess. But...” he trailed off, and to Arthur’s immense horror he found that a flush was slowly creeping up his face, even though there was absolutely no logical reason for the response whatsoever. He cleared his throat, pointedly ignoring his body’s ridiculous reaction and silently prayed that Leon would as well. “We decided not to go through with breaking the bond,” he finished, mentally bracing for Leon’s reaction to that piece of information.
There was silence, stretching for several long moments as Leon’s gaze shifted back and forth between the two of them, assessing. Finally he nodded, as though he’d reached some sort of conclusion. “Oh.”
That was not what Arthur had been expecting at all. “Oh? What does that mean?” he asked, slightly more forceful than intended.
Leon paled. “Um, well... I’m sorry, sire, I didn’t mean anything by it,” he sputtered out, a ball of nervous energy all of a sudden.
But Arthur wanted to know what he was getting at. “Well, you must have meant something by the statement, and I want to know what it is.” Then, kinder, “You have my permission to speak freely without reprimand.” Never mind that Arthur wouldn’t be able to do anything even if he wanted to, which he didn’t, as he wasn’t going back to Camelot anyway. But Leon didn’t know that yet.
He paled even further, fingers twisting nervously, but Leon nodded with a determination that demonstrated why he was one of the finest knights Camelot had ever known. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, sire. I just thought... well, I mean, I’ve kind of suspected for a little while now, but I never had any hard evidence, I suppose... except for, well, a handful of things I’ve witnessed. And now I hear you didn’t break the bond by choice and it kind of confirms what I’d thought before, but that’s not to say I’m even remotely correct in my assumptions...”
Leon was starting to sound like Merlin. “Just spit it out,” Arthur said, not unkindly, strongly suspecting he had an idea of where this was going, flush deepening in response without even having heard the words yet.
His gaze drifted to Merlin for a few seconds before returning to Arthur. “You’re together.” Leon gestured between the two of them with one hand. “Together... romantically. Sire.” It was a statement, not a question. "Not that it matters, of course, sire, who you choose to, well..." he trailed off, turning pink himself.
If it was possible to turn a darker shade of red, it certainly didn’t seem so to Arthur, based on how hot he felt, like the sun was blaring down at him from a mere few feet away. Casting a furtive glance in Merlin’s direction, he saw that the man wasn’t faring any better than he was.
Still, Arthur was the prince, and he was allowed to be with whomever he desired, and if anyone had a problem with his choice of bed partners, well that was just too damn bad for them. Leon, though, for his part, didn’t appear to be bothered by the idea of Arthur being involved with Merlin; he was simply bothered by having to publicly state what he believed, which was understandable. Arthur decided in that moment that he was not going to be ashamed of his relationship with Merlin. It was common knowledge that many of the knights and servants already thought they were sexually involved anyway, even if they weren't aware of his knowledge of those rumours.
He nodded, willing the flush to fade. “Yes, we are,” Arthur admitted, voice confident and strong. To his right, Merlin let out a little yelp, apparently shocked at Arthur’s immediate confirmation of their relationship, and he tossed an amused glance in Merlin’s direction. But he was too busy gaping in Leon’s general direction to notice.
“But the decision was based on numerous factors, not the least of which being that breaking the bond could have a potentially detrimental effect on both of us,” he said, before either Merlin or Leon had a chance to interject. “So, in the end, we both decided it would be for the best to leave things as they are.”
Some of the embarrassment drained from Leon’s face, and eventually he smiled at them. “As long as you’re happy, sire, then I am too,” he said, no insincerity evident in his tone. “So, what's the plan now then? I assume Merlin can’t return with us...” He stopped speaking mid-sentence, eyes widening as though just figuring out a very important secret.
Arthur watched with mild amusement as Leon’s face went through a series of emotions -- first confusion, then disbelief, followed by comprehension and finally acceptance. He seemed to be getting it on his own, so Arthur allowed him time to put the pieces together. He eyed each one in turn. “You’re not coming back to Camelot, are you?” But the question was directed at Arthur alone.
“I think, for the time being, it would be best if we didn’t return,” Arthur said evenly.
And even though he knew it was the right decision, his heart still clenched at actually voicing the intention, still ached at the idea of being away from his home, not knowing when they would be able to return. He tried not to think about who would train the rest of the knights -- both Leon and Gawain were more than skilled enough to take on such responsibility -- or who would go out on patrol and take care of raiding parties. But Arthur reminded himself that his men were strong and courageous and self-sufficient. They would be fine on their own. The separation might even prove to do them a world of good in the long run. And his father... The reality was that they would likely never be able to see eye to eye again, after everything that had happened. It was probably for the best that he keep his distance from the king, at least for now, even though it pained Arthur to admit it.
It hurt, to be saying good-bye of his own free will, but the thought of risking Merlin’s life -- of being without him for even a few months -- brought Arthur back to the place in which he’d been at when he first made the suggestion, and he knew that the loss of Merlin would hurt far worse.
Leon nodded. “I understand. But what do we tell the king upon returning to the castle?”
Arthur reached up to scratch his chin thoughtfully. “You can tell him that we escaped partway through the journey, and when you caught up to us at the high priestess’ tower, we were nowhere to be found. You found evidence that we’d been there recently, and you will find something, but that it seems as if we disappeared.”
Lines creased Leon's forehead, as his brows furrowed. “Don’t you think that might seem a little too... easy, sire?” he asked.
But Arthur merely shrugged. “It is essentially what happened, is it not?”
“I suppose so,” he agreed, reluctantly. “However, don’t you worry that your father will start looking for you, sire? And forgive me for asking this, but isn't it sort of... unfair to mislead the king in this way?”
They probably didn’t have much time left, but Arthur felt that it was important that Leon understand where they were coming from. So he shared with him the same information he’d just yesterday outlined to ease Merlin’s mind. It was thorough enough to give some solid backing to the plan, and enough information to hopefully ease any of his guilt.
“Leon, I know I’m once again asking a great deal of you. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, you can tell my father the truth, or tell him that I forced you to do these things. I know every man has his limits, and it is certainly reasonable if you’ve reached yours,” Arthur said, noting the look of hesitation still plastered across the knight’s face.
But in the end, he appeared to not need the reassurances after all. “Sire, I won’t lie and say I completely agree with this decision, but I understand your perspective and agree that it might be best for you to stay away for a while. I’ve already gone this far. I can go the rest of the distance for you.”
“Thank you, Leon,” Arthur said. “I doubt I will ever be able to repay you for the loyalty and dedication you have shown me, but some day when I am king, I hope I can find some way to do so.”
Arthur reached out and clasped Leon’s forearm, shaking it firmly as he stared intently at the man.
Then Leon turned to Merlin and offered out his hand to him as well. The sorcerer readily accepted it. “Keep an eye on him, would you?” he suggested, gesturing obviously in Arthur’s direction with his head. “He has a penchant for getting into trouble.” And then he winked at Merlin, drawing a warm laugh out of him at the comment.
“I will. I promise,” Merlin told him sincerely.
“Well, I suppose this is it, then. Best of luck to you both,” Leon finally said, seeming a bit awkward all of a sudden, as though he didn't quite want to leave but knew he still had to anyway. “But I suppose I’d best be heading back now.”
And then there was nothing left to say, and he was walking away, heading towards his own camp once more. As Arthur's gaze followed his retreating form, he knew an important chapter in his life was closing, and another was beginning, and Arthur would be lying if he said that the thought didn't terrify him, just a bit. But as Arthur felt Merlin's hand brush up against his, and their fingers entwined, he felt confident that together, they would truly be all right.
---------------------------------------
Continue on to part eleven.
Author: Mel (accordingtomel)
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything up to and including 2x13
Word Count: 90,521
Disclaimer: Sadly, they are not mine and I do not own them, much as I might like to.
Art Link: Right here. But please note: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR THE FIC IN THE ART!
Author’s Note: See part one.
Part Nine
“So, tell me, you with this unique and powerful soul bond, why are you seeking to have the bond removed?”
Merlin caught his gaze, looking as uncertain as Arthur felt. In a lot of ways, after hearing about everything their soul bond actually entailed, it was a really valid question. “It’s sort of complicated,” Arthur eventually told her.
“Complicated, how? You are together sexually, are you not?”
Merlin gasped at the question, Arthur continued to pretend that he was not at all embarrassed by any of this. “Yes, but it’s not that--“
“I sense a great deal of affection between you two; the trials demonstrated a deep love that you have for one another.”
Merlin squawked, and Arthur decided that he was no help whatsoever in this whole thing. “Of course I care about him,” -- it was all Arthur was willing to admit just yet -- “but there’s more to it than that.”
She held up a hand, requesting his silence, and he gave it to her, wondering what she was going to say now. Tapping her chin thoughtfully she said directly to Arthur, “You are Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon, king of Camelot.” Turning to Merlin she continued, “And you are Merlin Emrys, son of Balinor, mighty Dragonlord and an enemy of Uther Pendragon. Your union was the result of a deep bond that already existed between you, which you used to prevent Merlin’s death. Now you seek to break the bond so that neither of your lives will be at risk when you return to Camelot, even though the threat has not subsided for either of you.”
Arthur frowned slightly, wondering how she'd even come into possession of that knowledge. However, when put like that, breaking their bond didn’t seem so wise of a decision after all.
“Do you still desire to break your bond?” she asked, looking at each one in turn, and Arthur hesitated.
Merlin was the one to speak first, however. “Are there consequences for breaking a soul bond?” he asked, and Arthur was immensely grateful for the question.
The high priestess nodded thoughtfully. “Yes. As your bond is still new, it wouldn’t be as risky as attempting to break a bond that was old, but there are still potential complications that arise.”
“What are those?” Arthur asked.
"Whenever the bonded break their connection, one of the side effects most experienced is sadness, whether it's as minor as feeling down for a few days, to experiencing a lengthy depression. The impact always depends on the strength of the bond, as well as the length of time the individuals have been bonded. Another common side effect is the loss of appetite and the loss of sleep, which can range from days to weeks in length. The most difficult consequence of breaking a bond isn't as common as the others, but it is undeniably the most distressing of them all if experienced."
There was a momentary break, and Arthur felt as if he was literally on the edge of his seat. "What is it?" he breathed, eager to know the full extent of the side effects.
She seemed attuned to his eagerness, but still took her time with responding. “Sometimes when a bond is split, the individuals go through a withdrawal from the other person, as the feelings and emotions that had previously fused together are torn apart. Emotionally, their bodies will still crave the connection they once had, but when they are unable to find it, it can cause a great deal of psychological distress, sometimes even trauma. Additionally, the bonded individuals will never be able to restore the same level of intimacy that they experienced while bonded, and sometimes not even the closeness they experienced prior to the bond. Again, it can last anywhere from a couple of days to several years. Symptoms are heightened by the traditional means, as well as the degree to which they desire to actually sever the bond.”
She paused for several moments, allowing the reality of her words to sink in. Arthur had been hesitant to break the bond with Merlin right from the beginning, only embarking on the mission at all as a way to once again try and save Merlin’s life. But he didn’t like the idea of going through withdrawals from him. And worse, from never experiencing the same level of connectedness as they felt now. The thought stabbed at his heart, and he could feel the same radiating from Merlin as well.
“So, are you ready to go through with the ceremony?” she finally asked them.
Arthur could feel Merlin staring at him, expecting him to be the one to respond to this, and really, it made sense. Arthur had been the one who'd bonded them in the first place, then dragged Merlin on this excursion to sever the connection, so he should logically be the one to make the final call. Except that every time he thought about saying 'yes', his brain shouted no! right back with greater intensity. The ability to make important decisions in a timely manner was one of many skills required of a great king. Years worth of Uther drilling the sentiment that 'he who hesitates, loses' came back to him in a rush, and yet, his earlier reluctance still loomed heavily, rendering Arthur just short of paralysed.
He knew only a few things for certain. The first was that remaining bonded to Merlin was incredibly risky, in spite of the fact that they could potentially train their bond, no matter what they did after leaving this place. As it stood, if Arthur died, so would Merlin, and vice versa. And with Merlin's fondness for jumping into the line of fire for Arthur at every possible turn, the risk increased exponentially. The second thing he knew was that he had a responsibility to the people of Camelot, as their future king. At the same time, he also had a responsibility to Merlin, to watch out for and protect him. Not only as a citizen of Camelot, but as a friend... and as Arthur’s partner. The final thing Arthur could be certain of, even if he’d only just reached this conclusion with certainty, was that if he were to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t want to break their bond. Which was not to say that Arthur hadn't been thinking this all along, but something about the high priestesses words finally sealed the decision in his mind, pushing out the last remnants of lingering doubt that said keeping the bond would be a mistake.
The high priestess eyed him expectantly. "Well?"
She waited. Merlin remained uncharacteristically silent. Arthur floundered as he continued to wage an internal war within his mind over what to do, in spite of what he knew he now wanted.
Finally Merlin's fingers curled gently around Arthur's wrist, tugging lightly on his arm. "Arthur, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked, voice barely more than a whisper, but still loud enough for the high priestess to hear.
Arthur nodded blankly, and allowed himself to be pulled off to the side of the room.
"What's going on?" he asked, crowding into Arthur's personal space as he moved to stand between Arthur and the priestess. "Is there some reason why you don't want to break the soul bond?"
Arthur briefly considered feigning ignorance, but he knew that much as he loved to antagonise Merlin, he actually wasn't quite that thick. "I don't know," Arthur admitted.
"You don't know what's going on, or you don't know if there's a reason why you don't want to break the bond?"
"Both." Arthur sighed and dug fingers into his hair. "Both," he repeated.
Merlin peered at him curiously, confusion written plainly across his face. "I don't understand. I thought this was what you wanted, why we went on this journey in the first place."
"You really thought this was what I wanted?" Arthur attempted to keep the incredulous tone from his voice, but wasn't sure if he succeeded or not.
Merlin quirked his shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe. There were a couple of times when I thought maybe you didn't, but you never said one way or the other, so I just assumed... Are you saying that I was wrong?"
"No, you weren't." Arthur stopped at the hurt look that briefly passed over Merlin's features, wanting to immediately erase it. "Well, not initially anyway. To be honest, my only real concern at the beginning was preventing your death and getting you as far away from Camelot as possible. I spent a lot of time not thinking too much about what we were doing, and then there were other things that arose..." He waved a hand around aimlessly, not having a specific reference in mind but content with allowing Merlin to take his pick. "And even though I knew what we were doing, I never actually thought about it. Not really.”
Arms folded across his chest as Merlin continued to study Arthur intently. “So now that you’ve had a bit of time to think about it?” he prodded gently.
Now that he was faced directly with the reality of the decision, it wasn’t a difficult answer after all. Arthur didn’t want to break their bond, in spite of the numerous and logical reasons as to why they should. There was a tiny part of him that suspected he’d known this truth all along but hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge it.
“Merlin, there are about fifty reasons why not breaking our soul bond is an absolutely terrible idea,” he said, entirely ignoring Merlin’s question while still answering it in a different way.
“Mmm yeah, you’re right,” Merlin agreed, nodding knowingly. “But what do you want to do?”
“This isn’t my decision alone to make,” Arthur said, sidestepping the question once more.
Merlin shook his head. “No, it’s not. But I want to know what you think.”
“What about you?”
“You first.”
Arthur’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Merlin, this is not the time for games.”
“I know that,” he scoffed. A moment later, Merlin reached out to clasp onto Arthur’s left arm, squeezing just above the elbow. “But I need to know what you want to do first.”
Arthur’s gaze dropped to the hand on his arm, but he said nothing.
“Why is it so hard for you to just admit it?” Merlin asked in that typically knowing tone that seemed to be exclusively reserved for Arthur. It was thoroughly frustrating, even after two years of enduring it.
“It’s not,” he protested, even though it apparently was.
“Then tell me what you want to do about the soul bond.” He squeezed again, firmer this time, and for some reason, Arthur felt his hesitation wane.
“Fine. I don’t want to break our bond. Is that what you want to hear?” Arthur asked, pointedly avoiding Merlin’s gaze.
There was a long pause, and then, “Yes. Because I don’t want to break our bond either.”
Arthur’s head snapped up, eyes seeking Merlin’s. “Really?”
Merlin nodded once, slowly. “Of course.”
“This is a bad idea, you know.”
“I know.”
The high priestess coughed, and they both turned to stare at her. She smiled over at them, but there was an element of impatience in her expression. “Have you made your decision?”
Arthur stepped forward, tugging Merlin along with him. “We have,” he said.
Arthur glanced quickly over at Merlin before returning his attention to the priestess. “We’ve decided not to go through with it,” he told her with confidence.
She didn’t appear the least bit surprised. “As you wish. I hope you’re able to figure things out.” The woman gestured towards the door. “As you are unable to leave here the way you arrived, I will transport you back to the front entrance. Take care, and remember that if you do change your mind, I will be here.” They nodded simultaneously.
And with the snap of her fingers, Merlin and Arthur were transported out of the tower and back to their horses.
Silence stretched between them for a long time after exiting the high priestess’ tower, confusion and uncertainty hanging in the air like a secret that everyone knew about but didn’t want to acknowledge. There was no longer any sense of urgency; they mounted the horses that’d been tied to a tree just outside of the building and set off, going no faster than a sluggish trot. Every once in a while, Arthur could feel Merlin staring at him, but the instant Arthur turned to meet his gaze, Merlin glanced away again.
“Arthur, what are we going to do?” Merlin finally asked, nearly half an hour later, giving voice to the question that weighed heavily on both of their minds.
In truth, Arthur had no idea what to do, now that they’d decided to keep their bond. He hadn’t exactly thought that far in advance. All he knew for certain was that the thought of breaking the bond had been too much, especially with the knowledge of the ways they could grow into it, and the potential consequences of breaking the strong connection they had. It wasn’t worth the risk.
He sighed, casting Merlin a sidelong glance. “Honestly, Merlin, I don’t know,” he admitted. So they continued to ride, the sounds of birds and hooves crunching the leaves beneath their feet the only noise for quite some time.
Later that evening, just following an early dinner that neither ate much of, Arthur declared that there was a small river nearby and it would be wise for both to bathe.
He stripped quickly, sinking into the edge of the surprisingly warm river, submerging himself up to his neck as he felt some of the tension drain away from his tight muscles.
“Hurry up, Merlin,” he called out, gesturing lazily towards his manservant, who stood at the edge of the embankment, still wearing his trousers.
“Yes, I’m coming,” Merlin grumbled, staring intently at something on the other side of the stream but making no move to actually do anything.
“I know I’m beautiful and therefore an incredible distraction, but you might want to get in here before we have no sun left to dry us,” Arthur said with a smirk.
It seemed to be enough to pull Merlin out of his daze, however, and he finished undressing quickly, tossing his clothes into a pile beside Arthur’s and carefully lowering himself into the water.
Arthur stood up, the water level coming to rest just above his stomach, and he trudged through the stream until he was standing directly across from Merlin. “Are you all right?” he asked, reaching out to grab Merlin’s hand under the water.
Merlin nodded. “I am. I just wish I knew what we were going to do.” He bit his lip and gazed down at the water, at their joined hands, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth.
It was obviously weighing as heavily on Merlin’s mind as it was on Arthur’s. He’d thought about nothing else since leaving the high priestess, and had reached a few conclusions of his own. Still grasping onto Merlin’s hand, Arthur tugged him down, until they were both submerged in the water up until their necks.
“As far as I see it, we really only have three options.”
“Which are?”
One hand emerged from the water so Arthur could demonstrate each point as it was made. “One, we both go back to Camelot.” He held up a second finger. “Two, I go back to Camelot and you stay away until it’s safe for you to return.” Merlin looked as though he was about to protest, and Arthur shook his head at him, raising the third finger of his hand instead. “And three, neither of us return to Camelot.”
“But Arthur, you can’t just--“
That same hand interrupted Merlin’s protests, clamping down on his mouth and muffling all attempts at speech. “Just be quiet for a second,” Arthur instructed. “I’m not done speaking yet.”
He waited several moments, until it looked as if Merlin was doing as he was told, before removing the hand from his mouth. Merlin narrowed eyes at Arthur, but remained silent.
“The first option is clearly out of the question, as my father will have you executed should you ever return to Camelot. We always knew this,” Arthur explained, still feeling saddened for his father who was so overcome with hatred and guilt that he couldn’t see that there was more than one way to view the world. He shook his head of the thought, returning his focus once again to the task at hand. “The second option also makes little sense, as I know you well enough by now to know that you won’t actually stay away. That puts you at risk of execution, and I’m not willing to take that chance with you.”
Merlin blinked at him, looking affronted. “I’m not that stupid,” he said, pulling his free hand to reach up and slick back his hair. “I wouldn’t risk both your life and mine.”
This time it was Arthur’s turn to shoot Merlin a disbelieving look. He chuckled, wondering if Merlin actually believed what he was saying and stood up once more. “You do realise that you’re either delusional or a very good liar, right? I know for an absolute fact that you won’t be able to stay away from Camelot, even for a few days, let alone any sort of extended period. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you could stay away from Camelot and away from me for an indeterminate amount of time, without ever being tempted to sneak back in to check up on things?”
Arthur folded arms across his chest and watched as Merlin stood as well, fight melting away as he considered the question. They both knew there was only one sincere answer that could be given, and as much as Merlin didn’t want to admit it, they both knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, no matter what he tried to tell himself.
“All right, fine,” Merlin conceded, throwing his arms up in defeat. “You’re right. I probably would try and sneak back into Camelot. But can you blame me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, sire, but a lot of bad things seem to happen to you. I could never live with myself if I allowed you to get hurt somehow.”
“You do realise I’m not completely helpless, right?” Arthur asked, just because he felt it was necessary. He was getting a little tired of the fact that Merlin seemed to constantly imply that Arthur would be dead five hundred times over were it not for him. Even if it was true, he still had an ego to protect, and had saved Merlin’s scrawny, albeit lovely, arse on more than one occasion as well.
Merlin smirked at him and took a step towards Arthur. “I know. That’s not what I meant. But then what other option do we have? Both of us leaving Camelot?”
“It seems to be the only logical thing to do, actually,” Arthur admitted with a shrug, his tone belying the seriousness of the suggestion.
“You can’t leave Camelot. That’d be... that’d be completely out of the question,” Merlin stammered.
“Why?” Arthur shot back.
“What do you mean why? Because you’re the prince, that’s why. You can’t just leave your kingdom!”
“So, instead, I go back and either carry on without you, always worried sick that you’re going to get caught or be showing up in random places, or I return and you do show up, and I have no means of saving you a second time. Neither sound like particularly pleasant options, Merlin.”
Merlin gaped openly at him, as if Arthur had a horn growing out of his forehead, and planted both hands on his hips. “But what about your responsibilities? What about your position? What about your father?”
They were all fair questions, and Arthur certainly didn’t have all the answers. But like it or not, this soul bonding business had forever altered Arthur’s relationship with his father, and even if he was to return to Camelot without Merlin and without the ties of the soul bond, things would never again be as they once were. And this was a reality that Arthur had been turning over in his mind for quite some time now, but was only just recently hitting home.
Arthur took a step towards Merlin, wrapping his arms loosely around Merlin’s waist, just above where Merlin’s hands still remained firmly planted on his hips. “There are others who can take over in my absence, others on the council and amongst my knights that would do a fine job of taking care of all the responsibilities and duties I once had. I can’t say one way or another if my father would disinherit me, but I’m sure we’ll catch wind of it if something changes, in which case we can figure out what to do then.”
Merlin’s features softened just a bit, and his hands fell from his hips. “And what about your father? What will he think if you don’t return? Are you willing to just leave things as they are right now?”
Arthur sighed, leaning his forehead against Merlin’s for a moment, eyes closing briefly. He pulled back then, met with Merlin’s intoxicating gaze, and that seemed to soothe him somehow. “Merlin, I don’t see what other choices there are, save for going back to challenge the throne right now, and we both know that would end poorly. This isn’t exactly how I would have planned things to work out in the end, but I made my decision weeks ago, knowing full well that there would be some difficult consequences along the way. And I made that same decision earlier today when I declared that I didn’t want to break the bond.
“To return to Camelot right now would accomplish nothing. My father would still be furious with me and there would be an incredible amount of tension between us. The appearance of a divided household would lead to rumours that Camelot is weak, which could very well lead to some of Camelot’s enemies deciding to take it upon themselves to start a war in the hopes of catching us off guard. I still love my father, despite all that he’s done, and I know that he loves me. But I think that to return home now would only lead to more problems than anything else. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Merlin was silent for several moments, as he attempted to absorb all this information. It was either a testament to Arthur’s mild obsession with Merlin, or the fact that he simply knew him so well, but he could almost see the decision click in Merlin's mind, before he voiced it.
“I suppose I can see what you’re saying,” Merlin said, forehead crinkling. “But what will your father think? And where will we go?”
“We’re meeting up with Leon tomorrow. We can tell him to report back to my father that we disappeared. As to where we’ll go, I think that there are many options on that front.”
“But isn’t that sort of, I don’t know,” Merlin gestured around them, “sort of cruel? Just to disappear like that and leave the king without any explanation? Don’t you think he’ll come looking for you? Or, uh, for us?”
Arthur grabbed at the flailing hand, pulling it back underneath the water. He had to admit that Merlin did have somewhat of a point about his father, but at least they weren’t leading him to believe that the two of them were dead. “Look, to be honest, I think my father suspects that we might be together already anyway. It’s very possible that he will hear that we’ve ‘disappeared’ and come to the conclusion that it was by choice and not due to some tragedy. Even if he suspects something is amiss, it doesn’t mean he’ll come after us. Besides, we can handle whatever my father might throw our way. He won’t waste valuable resources on us either way, though. Not unless he thinks something suspicious is going on, which we will ensure doesn’t happen.”
For all Arthur’s attempts at reassuring Merlin, he was bloody stubborn. Worry lines edged his face, and Arthur wanted them to go away. “Do you think maybe he might come after Ealdor, or my mother?”
“I can’t see what that would ultimately accomplish, but we can keep an eye out if you’re concerned about that.”
“What about Gaius?”
“Merlin, you worry too much,” Arthur said, pulling Merlin close and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Stop it. My father wouldn’t hurt Gaius. Now if you insist on this incessant worrying, I’m going to be forced to punish you.”
Merlin eyed him, looking less than convinced, but when he eventually nodded, Arthur pulled away, dipping back under the water for a moment before reemerging and splashing his companion in the process. “Now, pass me the soap, would you?”
"Arthur, are you absolutely sure this is the right thing to do?" Merlin asked again the next morning following breakfast, even though they'd done nothing but discuss this issue most of the previous night. Merlin was kneeling behind an already seated Arthur.
Strong arms folded across Arthur's shoulders, wrapping tightly around his body, face pressing up against his own. Arthur leaned back into the embrace, relishing the feeling of being held in Merlin's arms, and turned his cheek slightly to press into Merlin, and he closed his eyes, feeling content.
"Of course it is," he replied, with more confidence than he felt.
Merlin began tracing light patterns with his thumb across Arthur's shoulder, the touch gentle but intimate, and it made Arthur feel warm and loved.
"You can go back, you know," Merlin hummed softly. "Return home and tell your father whatever you need to tell him so he allows you to stay. I can wait... hide. It won't be that bad, I'm sure."
He smiled, genuinely touched by the offer, but Arthur knew as well as Merlin that he would be sneaking back into Camelot every other day. It was far too great a risk, one that Arthur was not willing to take, no matter how much Merlin tried to convince him otherwise. "You absolutely will not hide," he declared with a grin, and felt Merlin's laugh as much as he heard it.
"I can try," Merlin offered placatingly, giving Arthur's shoulders a squeeze, and he felt affection bubbling up in his stomach. Things had never exactly been easy for Arthur, despite his upbringing and privilege, and those complications only intensified once Merlin had been introduced into his life. But for all the ridiculous and sometimes incredibly dangerous situations they found themselves in, Arthur couldn't imagine his life without Merlin, didn't even want to try. He would gladly remain with him, for however long it took, so that when they finally were able to return to Camelot, it would be together.
"Thank you, Merlin. But we both know that won't happen."
He felt Merlin sigh. “I just don’t want you to give up something that’s so important to you. For me. I mean, I appreciate it, Arthur. Don’t get me wrong. But if this isn’t what you want, then I don’t want to be the one holding you back. I’ll find a way to wait.”
They were possibly the sweetest words ever to spill from Merlin’s mouth, and Arthur loved him all the more for it.
Reaching up, he grabbed a hold of Merlin’s wrist and tugged on it. “Come here,” he commanded, and pried Merlin’s arms away from his shoulders, pulling on one hand until Merlin lurched forwards and to the side, falling into Arthur’s lap. They fumbled for a moment, limbs flailing about wildly, and Arthur manhandled Merlin until he was sitting in his lap, legs curling around his back. It wasn’t nearly as comfortable as Arthur imagined it would be in his head -- Merlin, scrawny though he was, still weighed a considerable amount, the hard ground beneath his arse unrelenting, especially with the added body weight of another person -- but it suited him just fine.
“I’m only going to say this once, so you’d better pay attention,” Arthur started off. “Camelot isn’t going anywhere. Even if I were to return now, the tension between my father and I would be too much for either of us to deal with. We need some time to sort things out and let the air clear. I’m not giving anything up by distancing myself. But I would be if I went back alone. The only thing I need is for you to shut up and stop fighting me on everything and at least try and be enjoyable company for however long we are away.”
The ending of that speech hadn’t exactly gone as planned, but Arthur had a hard time expressing his feelings. Especially when they were so overwhelming, even though he was willing to recognise that he’d been in repressed love with Merlin for a lot longer than he cared to acknowledge, though he wasn't willing to use the word just yet. What he’d meant to say was that the only thing he needed was Merlin. Thankfully, the beaming grin plastered across his face told Arthur that he’d managed to decipher the code anyway.
“I always suspected you had a thing for me,” Merlin teased, smirking from ear to ear.
Arthur opened his mouth to retort something clever, but then Merlin was pressing his lips to Arthur’s, kissing him with so much warmth and affection that all thoughts of protest promptly died in his throat. Hands cupped Merlin’s face, fingertips burying into the outer fringes of his dark hair as Arthur deepened the kiss. It was slow and languid, exploring and tasting, without any particular intent except for simply enjoying the freedom in being together so intimately, and Arthur was quite certain that he would never tire of this, ever.
When they finally parted for air, Arthur smiled at Merlin, far happier than the situation should warrant but not caring either way, and wrapped his arms around the man’s back, pulling him into a tight embrace.
“It’ll be all right,” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s ear. “We’ll get through this.”
Merlin’s only response was to hold Arthur tighter in his arms, and somehow it was enough of an assurance for him that things would work out all right in the end.
Before sneaking away from the rest of the knights four days ago, Arthur had arranged to meet up with Leon when they were approximately half a day’s ride away, a few hours before dusk. The whole plan had been sketchy at best, as neither knew exactly what would happen once they parted, and whether or not it would even be possible to reconnect again. Still, provided Leon led the others down the exact route Arthur left for them, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, theoretically, it would have been possible to cross paths once more.
“Do you think he’ll actually make it?” Merlin’s voice was a whisper, breath ghosting across Arthur’s ear as they crouched amidst the brush overlooking the edge of the bog designated as their meeting place.
Arthur shrugged. He honestly had no idea what the odds were of Leon actually showing up on time, but if anyone could do it, Arthur knew it was him. “I don’t know. But I do know that if I had to count on someone, it’d be Leon,” Arthur said.
They’d set out early that evening, while the sun's light still beamed merrily down on them in a brilliantly clear sky, in order to make it to their meeting spot early, so they could hide. It was important for them to assess the situation before rushing out to meet up with Leon. Arthur had requested that if Merlin knew any invisibility spells, now would be an appropriate time to use them, to which Merlin informed him that he hadn’t mastered it yet and wasn’t willing to take that risk right now. So instead they took up residence behind a bush. It was not the most comfortable place in the world, but both agreed that it was worth it to prevent detection.
“How long do you think we should wait for him?” Merlin continued to natter quietly in Arthur’s ear.
A lazy shoulder quirked in response. “It’s only been an hour since we arrived. We need to give him more time than that. Who knows what kinds of things could have stalled him.”
“I wasn’t suggesting we leave. I was just wondering...” Merlin said, and Arthur could practically feel the annoyed pout curling on his lips.
The sound of crunching leaves and breaking twigs startled them both into silence, and Arthur’s eyes widened, peering through the brush as he scanned the area quickly, searching for the source of the sound.
He saw nothing for several moments, and then, from behind a tree approximately twenty yards away, Leon stepped out, eyes darting around, searching for something -- someone. Arthur felt Merlin twitch beside him, and he instinctively reached out and grasped onto his wrist, squeezing it in a silent warning to remain absolutely still. Arthur forced himself to wait a full five minutes, listening intently for the sound of another pair of boots following Leon to their hiding place, but there was nothing.
Finally, once he felt the coast was indeed clear, Arthur tapped Merlin’s hand and inclined his head towards the knight. Standing slowly, he stepped out from behind the bush, startling Leon in the process.
“Sire!” he cried out, jumping on the spot in surprise, but at Arthur’s gestures, he lowered his voice. “I’m glad to see you,” he tried again, softer this time.
“You too, Leon,” Arthur said at the same moment that Merlin came over to join them.
“Merlin?” Leon’s eyes darted to the sorcerer in surprise, then back to Arthur. “I thought you would have been long gone by now.”
Both of Merlin’s brows shot to the top of his forehead, furrowing in confusion, but Arthur held up a hand to prevent him from speaking.
“I’ll explain in a moment,” Arthur directed at Leon. “But first, I need to know if you were followed. Understandably, this is a bit risky for both of us.”
Leon tossed a quick glance back over both shoulders and shook his head, folding arms loosely across his chest. “There’s no way I was followed. They have no reason to think my movements need to be tracked. In fact, I managed to completely avoid any suspicion whatsoever. They think the escape was magic induced, and have every intention of finding you both tomorrow.” He smiled, wide and satisfied, looking proud of himself.
Arthur wasn’t quite sure how Leon had managed to pull the scheme off, but he was impressed all the same. “I knew I could count on you,” Arthur said, voice full of praise.
Leon shuffled his feet and actually looked bashful for a few moments, a look Arthur had never seen on the burly knight before. “So what happened, sire?” he asked after a moment. “Were you able to break the bond?”
Merlin coughed lightly beside him, and Arthur’s eyes dropped briefly to the ground. He wasn’t exactly sure how to break this piece of news to Leon, or how he would react, for that matter. But lying wouldn’t accomplish anything and after everything the man had done for Arthur and Merlin, he doubted that this would suddenly change everything.
“Not exactly,” he said, raising his chin to look Leon in the eye. Arthur could feel Merlin’s eyes boring into the side of his face.
Leon’s forehead crinkled, brows furrowing. “Why not? Did something go wrong?”
“No, we found the high priestess. But...” he trailed off, and to Arthur’s immense horror he found that a flush was slowly creeping up his face, even though there was absolutely no logical reason for the response whatsoever. He cleared his throat, pointedly ignoring his body’s ridiculous reaction and silently prayed that Leon would as well. “We decided not to go through with breaking the bond,” he finished, mentally bracing for Leon’s reaction to that piece of information.
There was silence, stretching for several long moments as Leon’s gaze shifted back and forth between the two of them, assessing. Finally he nodded, as though he’d reached some sort of conclusion. “Oh.”
That was not what Arthur had been expecting at all. “Oh? What does that mean?” he asked, slightly more forceful than intended.
Leon paled. “Um, well... I’m sorry, sire, I didn’t mean anything by it,” he sputtered out, a ball of nervous energy all of a sudden.
But Arthur wanted to know what he was getting at. “Well, you must have meant something by the statement, and I want to know what it is.” Then, kinder, “You have my permission to speak freely without reprimand.” Never mind that Arthur wouldn’t be able to do anything even if he wanted to, which he didn’t, as he wasn’t going back to Camelot anyway. But Leon didn’t know that yet.
He paled even further, fingers twisting nervously, but Leon nodded with a determination that demonstrated why he was one of the finest knights Camelot had ever known. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, sire. I just thought... well, I mean, I’ve kind of suspected for a little while now, but I never had any hard evidence, I suppose... except for, well, a handful of things I’ve witnessed. And now I hear you didn’t break the bond by choice and it kind of confirms what I’d thought before, but that’s not to say I’m even remotely correct in my assumptions...”
Leon was starting to sound like Merlin. “Just spit it out,” Arthur said, not unkindly, strongly suspecting he had an idea of where this was going, flush deepening in response without even having heard the words yet.
His gaze drifted to Merlin for a few seconds before returning to Arthur. “You’re together.” Leon gestured between the two of them with one hand. “Together... romantically. Sire.” It was a statement, not a question. "Not that it matters, of course, sire, who you choose to, well..." he trailed off, turning pink himself.
If it was possible to turn a darker shade of red, it certainly didn’t seem so to Arthur, based on how hot he felt, like the sun was blaring down at him from a mere few feet away. Casting a furtive glance in Merlin’s direction, he saw that the man wasn’t faring any better than he was.
Still, Arthur was the prince, and he was allowed to be with whomever he desired, and if anyone had a problem with his choice of bed partners, well that was just too damn bad for them. Leon, though, for his part, didn’t appear to be bothered by the idea of Arthur being involved with Merlin; he was simply bothered by having to publicly state what he believed, which was understandable. Arthur decided in that moment that he was not going to be ashamed of his relationship with Merlin. It was common knowledge that many of the knights and servants already thought they were sexually involved anyway, even if they weren't aware of his knowledge of those rumours.
He nodded, willing the flush to fade. “Yes, we are,” Arthur admitted, voice confident and strong. To his right, Merlin let out a little yelp, apparently shocked at Arthur’s immediate confirmation of their relationship, and he tossed an amused glance in Merlin’s direction. But he was too busy gaping in Leon’s general direction to notice.
“But the decision was based on numerous factors, not the least of which being that breaking the bond could have a potentially detrimental effect on both of us,” he said, before either Merlin or Leon had a chance to interject. “So, in the end, we both decided it would be for the best to leave things as they are.”
Some of the embarrassment drained from Leon’s face, and eventually he smiled at them. “As long as you’re happy, sire, then I am too,” he said, no insincerity evident in his tone. “So, what's the plan now then? I assume Merlin can’t return with us...” He stopped speaking mid-sentence, eyes widening as though just figuring out a very important secret.
Arthur watched with mild amusement as Leon’s face went through a series of emotions -- first confusion, then disbelief, followed by comprehension and finally acceptance. He seemed to be getting it on his own, so Arthur allowed him time to put the pieces together. He eyed each one in turn. “You’re not coming back to Camelot, are you?” But the question was directed at Arthur alone.
“I think, for the time being, it would be best if we didn’t return,” Arthur said evenly.
And even though he knew it was the right decision, his heart still clenched at actually voicing the intention, still ached at the idea of being away from his home, not knowing when they would be able to return. He tried not to think about who would train the rest of the knights -- both Leon and Gawain were more than skilled enough to take on such responsibility -- or who would go out on patrol and take care of raiding parties. But Arthur reminded himself that his men were strong and courageous and self-sufficient. They would be fine on their own. The separation might even prove to do them a world of good in the long run. And his father... The reality was that they would likely never be able to see eye to eye again, after everything that had happened. It was probably for the best that he keep his distance from the king, at least for now, even though it pained Arthur to admit it.
It hurt, to be saying good-bye of his own free will, but the thought of risking Merlin’s life -- of being without him for even a few months -- brought Arthur back to the place in which he’d been at when he first made the suggestion, and he knew that the loss of Merlin would hurt far worse.
Leon nodded. “I understand. But what do we tell the king upon returning to the castle?”
Arthur reached up to scratch his chin thoughtfully. “You can tell him that we escaped partway through the journey, and when you caught up to us at the high priestess’ tower, we were nowhere to be found. You found evidence that we’d been there recently, and you will find something, but that it seems as if we disappeared.”
Lines creased Leon's forehead, as his brows furrowed. “Don’t you think that might seem a little too... easy, sire?” he asked.
But Arthur merely shrugged. “It is essentially what happened, is it not?”
“I suppose so,” he agreed, reluctantly. “However, don’t you worry that your father will start looking for you, sire? And forgive me for asking this, but isn't it sort of... unfair to mislead the king in this way?”
They probably didn’t have much time left, but Arthur felt that it was important that Leon understand where they were coming from. So he shared with him the same information he’d just yesterday outlined to ease Merlin’s mind. It was thorough enough to give some solid backing to the plan, and enough information to hopefully ease any of his guilt.
“Leon, I know I’m once again asking a great deal of you. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, you can tell my father the truth, or tell him that I forced you to do these things. I know every man has his limits, and it is certainly reasonable if you’ve reached yours,” Arthur said, noting the look of hesitation still plastered across the knight’s face.
But in the end, he appeared to not need the reassurances after all. “Sire, I won’t lie and say I completely agree with this decision, but I understand your perspective and agree that it might be best for you to stay away for a while. I’ve already gone this far. I can go the rest of the distance for you.”
“Thank you, Leon,” Arthur said. “I doubt I will ever be able to repay you for the loyalty and dedication you have shown me, but some day when I am king, I hope I can find some way to do so.”
Arthur reached out and clasped Leon’s forearm, shaking it firmly as he stared intently at the man.
Then Leon turned to Merlin and offered out his hand to him as well. The sorcerer readily accepted it. “Keep an eye on him, would you?” he suggested, gesturing obviously in Arthur’s direction with his head. “He has a penchant for getting into trouble.” And then he winked at Merlin, drawing a warm laugh out of him at the comment.
“I will. I promise,” Merlin told him sincerely.
“Well, I suppose this is it, then. Best of luck to you both,” Leon finally said, seeming a bit awkward all of a sudden, as though he didn't quite want to leave but knew he still had to anyway. “But I suppose I’d best be heading back now.”
And then there was nothing left to say, and he was walking away, heading towards his own camp once more. As Arthur's gaze followed his retreating form, he knew an important chapter in his life was closing, and another was beginning, and Arthur would be lying if he said that the thought didn't terrify him, just a bit. But as Arthur felt Merlin's hand brush up against his, and their fingers entwined, he felt confident that together, they would truly be all right.
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Continue on to part eleven.