Gay at Work
I've been wanting to journal on this topic for a while. Not sure if it's going to come out as curious and reflective, angry, amusing, or a big old mix of those. Please bear with me. The formatting is terrible and I'm too lazy to fix it.
To set the scene... I am a school counselor in a private school for kids (K-12) with emotional disturbance diagnoses so severe that they cannot function in their public schools. It's a draining, challenging job, and there is a lot of teamwork required among the staff; therefore, I am pretty close with all of the staff members. I'm quite fond of them.
I'm 1/9 of the "Clinical Team" of the school. The rest is made up of 6 other school counselors and two school psychologists. We eat lunch together, celebrate each other's birthdays, and some of them I hang out with outside of work. I came out to all of them, starting in November (started working there in August), and they have been incredibly accepting and supportive; it feels great to be myself, to be able to carelessly share about my weekend without tiptoeing around whom I was with.
I made the decision to not "come out" to anyone else at work. I've considered this many, many times, and it seems so trite, but I was reaffirmed of this decision when one of the teachers, 28 year old Megan whom I'm pretty close with (but haven't come out to), answered a question like this. "Hey Megan, which teacher assistant is going on the swimming trip next week?" "Jon. You know, the gay one. Gay Jon."
I do not want to be Gay Carli. I do not want to be "The counselor. You know, the gay one." I know I shouldn't CARE, but I do not want that to be the first thing that pops into a narrow-minded straight person's (or hell, even gay person's) head when they think of me. It's such a hot-button topic though, that I think that's difficult to do. Even I'll admit, I think of Jim as "The Gay Art Teacher" as opposed to Rob, "The Other Art Teacher". Or maybe because I'm hypersensitive to it nowadays?
But I digress. My main problem with being gay at work is that, as a more feminine lesbian, it's almost like I'm always "undercover". I'm sorry, I like dresses. I put makeup on. I paint my nails. That doesn't mean you should assume I'm straight and make comments like this to me:
--- (Yvette, 35 y/o behavioral health worker I'm close with, standing outside of the principal's office with me. She's reading something on the door, looking quite perplexed).
Me: Whatcha looking at so intently?
Yvette: Never noticed this... LGBTQ Friendly sticker. Makes me realize how much I like rainbows. Wish I could wear rainbow things, but.... y'know, I wouldn't want someone to think I'm gay. (disgusted tone).
Me: Um... yeah.. that would suck, wouldn't it?
--- (Pam, 50ish)
Pam: Miss Carli! I think we're gonna have some drama with the IEP meeting for (student). His MOMS are coming?
Me: Problems?
Pam: Yeah, well, the one doesn't want the other to come. I don't know. I think they're gay, the one just got custody back or something.
Me: Oh. I just thought from speaking with them that they were related-- the one was incarcerated so...
Pam: Girl didn't you see the one bring him in that one day! She had that butch-ass haircut!
---- (multiple staff members trying to set me up with the Principal's Son WHO TEACHES THERE awkward on so many levels..)
Do you have a boyfriend?
Are you dating someone? Yes. Oh, I figured you'd have a boyfriend.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Do you have a boyfriend? JESUS PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE
--- And there's the constant stress of it all. One of the staff members coming up and grabbing my hand.
Carli, I have a personal question to ask you...
Yes...? *holding breath*
Where do you get your dresses? Crisis averted. Anxiety goes back down.
It's not just the staff. I've had some serious moments with students. Constant minor things that bug me, like the kids calling each other fags and gay, and the teachers not stepping in to redirect. My typical line is...
Ugh, Miss Carli, do we have to do that game? It's so gay.
Sorry, Khalil. I don't think this game has a sexual preference. It's the best I can do...
--- (Roniqua, 11 years old)
Miss Carli, did you just say the word LESBIAN?
What? No... (I was talking to another student, definitely did not say lesbian)
Oh, 'cuz that's NASTY.
Why's it nasty?
... Omg, Miss Carli, Are YOU a lesbian??
...No, but my best friend is, and I don't think it's nasty at all.
YOUR BEST FRIEND IS? DO YOU HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH HER? DOES SHE *TRY* STUFF WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING??
(about to scream, cry, etc, but i somehow remained calm) What are you talking about? Of course I have sleepovers with her. She's my best friend. Don't you have sleepovers with your best friend?
I just think that's nasty.
Well, Roniqua, you're entitled to your opinion, but I disagree.
THE NEXT DAY...
Miss Carli, remember what we talked about yesterday?
Hm?
Y'KNOW.... about how I can have my own opinion about gay people?
Oh, yes.... what about it? (was waiting for a comment about how her mother was going to threaten the school and have me fired for instilling pro-equality beliefs in a child)
Well. There's a girl in my neighborhood. She's gay. I told her I wanted to be her friend. (WIN. SMALL VICTORIES.)
--- (Ethan, 16, clearly unhappy with his teacher for kicking him out of class)
UGH MS. JACKIE. SHE'S SUCH A.... FUCKING..... LESBIAN.
......... What?????
YOU KNOW, SHE ALWAYS FAVORS THE GIRLS OVER THE BOYS.
You mean... she's sexist?
YEAH. THATS WHAT I MEAN. *facepalm*
The most significant moment happened at my other job, thankfully. I work part time (evening hours) at a local college as a counselor. There was a conversation going on between the work-study student (Alysia, 20), and the secretary, Diane (50ish). Alysia kept going on about how she and her friends had their makeup done by a very flamboyant man.
Alysia: I don't get it. It creeps me out. I mean, he has a dick, right? He should ACT like a MAN. And dress like a man! You should've seen what he was wearing... (goes on and on)
Me: Maybe he's more comfortable like that... (hoping she will drop it)
Alysia: I just don't get gay people. Why would someone choose to live like that?
Me: (in shock) People don't... choose to be gay.
Alysia: Yes they do! It's disgusting! They flaunt it everywhere. Freud says it's because of some screwed up relationships they have with their parents growing up--
Me: (seriously pissed now) No, they don't. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years and while I'm incredibly happy, I can ASSURE YOU people would not CHOOSE to be gay-- to have to have their rights limited because of small-minded people. Also, don't misquote Freud at me. I'm a psychologist. (storm back to my office)
I actually burst into tears when I got back to my office. I was so overwhelmed with emotion... I mean, I know people think like this, but I have never had a face-to-face with one. It was shocking. After a few minutes Alysia actually walked back to my office to apologize and saw me crying and got very upset. I guess she learned not to assume someone is straight, at least. But she sat down and we actually had a very meaningful discussion. She was like, "I don't want you to think I don't like you! I'm so sorry I made you upset! It's just how I was brought up, I'm catholic and my culture doesn't believe in it. But you can choose whatever you want, I won't judge you!"
And I basically said: Look, Alysia, I promise I'm not trying to change your mind. You are entitled to believe whatever you want, but I'm pretty sure you've never spoken to a gay person before, and I just want you to listen to me when I say that it's not a choice. I'd have a much easier life if I was into men-- I'd have many more rights in this country, I'd be able to have children much easier, etc. That's all that I hope you think about-- form your own opinions.
I was really glad I got to sit down and talk to her. I think she was hearing me. Who knows though.
I read an article on Psychology Today and the writer's message was, "If you're a professional in any field, it's your duty to come out to your coworkers." I can understand how that would help fuel acceptance. Ellen has done such great things, and I was pleased to see the owner of one of the NBA teams came out. Non-celeb gay people have come out at work and, according to the article, upped the equality for the other workers. But I don't know if that's me, not yet at least. I'm still too new at this. I don't want people censoring themselves around me at work, but I don't know how many more of these small jabs I can handle. Thank goodness it's almost summer break!
To set the scene... I am a school counselor in a private school for kids (K-12) with emotional disturbance diagnoses so severe that they cannot function in their public schools. It's a draining, challenging job, and there is a lot of teamwork required among the staff; therefore, I am pretty close with all of the staff members. I'm quite fond of them.
I'm 1/9 of the "Clinical Team" of the school. The rest is made up of 6 other school counselors and two school psychologists. We eat lunch together, celebrate each other's birthdays, and some of them I hang out with outside of work. I came out to all of them, starting in November (started working there in August), and they have been incredibly accepting and supportive; it feels great to be myself, to be able to carelessly share about my weekend without tiptoeing around whom I was with.
I made the decision to not "come out" to anyone else at work. I've considered this many, many times, and it seems so trite, but I was reaffirmed of this decision when one of the teachers, 28 year old Megan whom I'm pretty close with (but haven't come out to), answered a question like this. "Hey Megan, which teacher assistant is going on the swimming trip next week?" "Jon. You know, the gay one. Gay Jon."
I do not want to be Gay Carli. I do not want to be "The counselor. You know, the gay one." I know I shouldn't CARE, but I do not want that to be the first thing that pops into a narrow-minded straight person's (or hell, even gay person's) head when they think of me. It's such a hot-button topic though, that I think that's difficult to do. Even I'll admit, I think of Jim as "The Gay Art Teacher" as opposed to Rob, "The Other Art Teacher". Or maybe because I'm hypersensitive to it nowadays?
But I digress. My main problem with being gay at work is that, as a more feminine lesbian, it's almost like I'm always "undercover". I'm sorry, I like dresses. I put makeup on. I paint my nails. That doesn't mean you should assume I'm straight and make comments like this to me:
--- (Yvette, 35 y/o behavioral health worker I'm close with, standing outside of the principal's office with me. She's reading something on the door, looking quite perplexed).
Me: Whatcha looking at so intently?
Yvette: Never noticed this... LGBTQ Friendly sticker. Makes me realize how much I like rainbows. Wish I could wear rainbow things, but.... y'know, I wouldn't want someone to think I'm gay. (disgusted tone).
Me: Um... yeah.. that would suck, wouldn't it?
--- (Pam, 50ish)
Pam: Miss Carli! I think we're gonna have some drama with the IEP meeting for (student). His MOMS are coming?
Me: Problems?
Pam: Yeah, well, the one doesn't want the other to come. I don't know. I think they're gay, the one just got custody back or something.
Me: Oh. I just thought from speaking with them that they were related-- the one was incarcerated so...
Pam: Girl didn't you see the one bring him in that one day! She had that butch-ass haircut!
---- (multiple staff members trying to set me up with the Principal's Son WHO TEACHES THERE awkward on so many levels..)
Do you have a boyfriend?
Are you dating someone? Yes. Oh, I figured you'd have a boyfriend.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Do you have a boyfriend? JESUS PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE
--- And there's the constant stress of it all. One of the staff members coming up and grabbing my hand.
Carli, I have a personal question to ask you...
Yes...? *holding breath*
Where do you get your dresses? Crisis averted. Anxiety goes back down.
It's not just the staff. I've had some serious moments with students. Constant minor things that bug me, like the kids calling each other fags and gay, and the teachers not stepping in to redirect. My typical line is...
Ugh, Miss Carli, do we have to do that game? It's so gay.
Sorry, Khalil. I don't think this game has a sexual preference. It's the best I can do...
--- (Roniqua, 11 years old)
Miss Carli, did you just say the word LESBIAN?
What? No... (I was talking to another student, definitely did not say lesbian)
Oh, 'cuz that's NASTY.
Why's it nasty?
... Omg, Miss Carli, Are YOU a lesbian??
...No, but my best friend is, and I don't think it's nasty at all.
YOUR BEST FRIEND IS? DO YOU HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH HER? DOES SHE *TRY* STUFF WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING??
(about to scream, cry, etc, but i somehow remained calm) What are you talking about? Of course I have sleepovers with her. She's my best friend. Don't you have sleepovers with your best friend?
I just think that's nasty.
Well, Roniqua, you're entitled to your opinion, but I disagree.
THE NEXT DAY...
Miss Carli, remember what we talked about yesterday?
Hm?
Y'KNOW.... about how I can have my own opinion about gay people?
Oh, yes.... what about it? (was waiting for a comment about how her mother was going to threaten the school and have me fired for instilling pro-equality beliefs in a child)
Well. There's a girl in my neighborhood. She's gay. I told her I wanted to be her friend. (WIN. SMALL VICTORIES.)
--- (Ethan, 16, clearly unhappy with his teacher for kicking him out of class)
UGH MS. JACKIE. SHE'S SUCH A.... FUCKING..... LESBIAN.
......... What?????
YOU KNOW, SHE ALWAYS FAVORS THE GIRLS OVER THE BOYS.
You mean... she's sexist?
YEAH. THATS WHAT I MEAN. *facepalm*
The most significant moment happened at my other job, thankfully. I work part time (evening hours) at a local college as a counselor. There was a conversation going on between the work-study student (Alysia, 20), and the secretary, Diane (50ish). Alysia kept going on about how she and her friends had their makeup done by a very flamboyant man.
Alysia: I don't get it. It creeps me out. I mean, he has a dick, right? He should ACT like a MAN. And dress like a man! You should've seen what he was wearing... (goes on and on)
Me: Maybe he's more comfortable like that... (hoping she will drop it)
Alysia: I just don't get gay people. Why would someone choose to live like that?
Me: (in shock) People don't... choose to be gay.
Alysia: Yes they do! It's disgusting! They flaunt it everywhere. Freud says it's because of some screwed up relationships they have with their parents growing up--
Me: (seriously pissed now) No, they don't. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years and while I'm incredibly happy, I can ASSURE YOU people would not CHOOSE to be gay-- to have to have their rights limited because of small-minded people. Also, don't misquote Freud at me. I'm a psychologist. (storm back to my office)
I actually burst into tears when I got back to my office. I was so overwhelmed with emotion... I mean, I know people think like this, but I have never had a face-to-face with one. It was shocking. After a few minutes Alysia actually walked back to my office to apologize and saw me crying and got very upset. I guess she learned not to assume someone is straight, at least. But she sat down and we actually had a very meaningful discussion. She was like, "I don't want you to think I don't like you! I'm so sorry I made you upset! It's just how I was brought up, I'm catholic and my culture doesn't believe in it. But you can choose whatever you want, I won't judge you!"
And I basically said: Look, Alysia, I promise I'm not trying to change your mind. You are entitled to believe whatever you want, but I'm pretty sure you've never spoken to a gay person before, and I just want you to listen to me when I say that it's not a choice. I'd have a much easier life if I was into men-- I'd have many more rights in this country, I'd be able to have children much easier, etc. That's all that I hope you think about-- form your own opinions.
I was really glad I got to sit down and talk to her. I think she was hearing me. Who knows though.
I read an article on Psychology Today and the writer's message was, "If you're a professional in any field, it's your duty to come out to your coworkers." I can understand how that would help fuel acceptance. Ellen has done such great things, and I was pleased to see the owner of one of the NBA teams came out. Non-celeb gay people have come out at work and, according to the article, upped the equality for the other workers. But I don't know if that's me, not yet at least. I'm still too new at this. I don't want people censoring themselves around me at work, but I don't know how many more of these small jabs I can handle. Thank goodness it's almost summer break!