Welcome to my life...again...
So, I wrote this long elaborate update and it didn't even post. Rather upsetting. I put some effort into it and now i'm rather tired and lazy but I will try to recreate the magnificance that was 'livejournal entry 1'.
Technically speaking this is my second update, but for the rest of you folks, it's the first. I've thought about starting up a livejournal a couple of times, but have never gotten around to it until now. I have this affectionate relationship with rambling, so i feel this will be rather interesting-probably just for me-but there's potential. a lot of people who will come to read this, people i know, dont really know some things about me, so itll be interesting. i told myself i wasnt going to censor anything though.
I just had my first full day of classes at the university. chinese foreign policy is going to kick my ass...hard and often. other than that class i dont anticipate tooooo much frustration-but it's early yet and i have a knack for not knowing what the hell is going on. looks like i wont have a social life this semester though. what am i talking about-i dont really have a social life anyway...
that has kind of been getting me depressed lately. i dont know anyone here really. i go to work and i come home and do a whole lot of nothing by myself-or i read-which is by myself...(duh kate). now, i love reading and everything, but c'mon!? i used to hang out with jackie a lot, but then we broke up (surprise number 1 for people i know who 'dont know' and boy is it a doozy). Yes, I like girls...I like boys too, a lot. but i feel that affection/love isn't gender specific and jackie is such an amazing girl that i couldnt really help myself. It should be pretty interesting to see who still talks to me after they read this.
anyway, some pretty traumatic shit happened to her and she didnt feel like she could deal with that AND a relationship. I understand that, but i still miss her a lot. We talk and everything-i love her voice-and as much as i love that, it makes me miss actually being with her more. she just called me a while ago while i was at the public library. it was the third time we'd spoken today. she's hanging out with one of her friends and sounds happy-which is kind of hard for me. not because i don't want her to be happy, of course, because i want that more than anything, but because she feels like she cant be happy with me. she calls when shes with people and ends up talking to them more than she does to me-i dont think shes trying to make it seem that shes that much happier without me-that would be cruel-but it kind of hurts. I dont know, i guess i'm pretty sensetive when it comes to things with her. it feels like i'm the only one who misses 'us', whether thats the case or not. she still calls me 'babe' which is hard to, i like it, but its hard because i know nothing can come of it-i'm not talking about like going to bed with her or anything, just holding her. she wont even let me hug her. I havent even seen her face to face in like a week and a half-which seems like fucking forever. it feels like nothing i say is right and nothing i say could ever possibly comfort her and it kills me.
*sigh* I'm supposed to go out with some people tonight-i know, i just said i dont know anyone...some people from high school are down here, people i actually dont normally hang out with, but its someones birthday, so theyre going out. theyre supposed to call me-but its almost 10 and i havent heard a word. i'm not really expecting a phone call. i have my school books and i'm at the university library-that tells you how much i think theyre going to call. i dont really feel like going to a bar anyway. i dont feel like reading 3 hrs of homework either, but such is life.
i think i'm going to get to that now actually, though. it has to get done. i have to do well in school this semester!! i'll leave the dramatic shit thats going on with my family for another time.
Technically speaking this is my second update, but for the rest of you folks, it's the first. I've thought about starting up a livejournal a couple of times, but have never gotten around to it until now. I have this affectionate relationship with rambling, so i feel this will be rather interesting-probably just for me-but there's potential. a lot of people who will come to read this, people i know, dont really know some things about me, so itll be interesting. i told myself i wasnt going to censor anything though.
I just had my first full day of classes at the university. chinese foreign policy is going to kick my ass...hard and often. other than that class i dont anticipate tooooo much frustration-but it's early yet and i have a knack for not knowing what the hell is going on. looks like i wont have a social life this semester though. what am i talking about-i dont really have a social life anyway...
that has kind of been getting me depressed lately. i dont know anyone here really. i go to work and i come home and do a whole lot of nothing by myself-or i read-which is by myself...(duh kate). now, i love reading and everything, but c'mon!? i used to hang out with jackie a lot, but then we broke up (surprise number 1 for people i know who 'dont know' and boy is it a doozy). Yes, I like girls...I like boys too, a lot. but i feel that affection/love isn't gender specific and jackie is such an amazing girl that i couldnt really help myself. It should be pretty interesting to see who still talks to me after they read this.
anyway, some pretty traumatic shit happened to her and she didnt feel like she could deal with that AND a relationship. I understand that, but i still miss her a lot. We talk and everything-i love her voice-and as much as i love that, it makes me miss actually being with her more. she just called me a while ago while i was at the public library. it was the third time we'd spoken today. she's hanging out with one of her friends and sounds happy-which is kind of hard for me. not because i don't want her to be happy, of course, because i want that more than anything, but because she feels like she cant be happy with me. she calls when shes with people and ends up talking to them more than she does to me-i dont think shes trying to make it seem that shes that much happier without me-that would be cruel-but it kind of hurts. I dont know, i guess i'm pretty sensetive when it comes to things with her. it feels like i'm the only one who misses 'us', whether thats the case or not. she still calls me 'babe' which is hard to, i like it, but its hard because i know nothing can come of it-i'm not talking about like going to bed with her or anything, just holding her. she wont even let me hug her. I havent even seen her face to face in like a week and a half-which seems like fucking forever. it feels like nothing i say is right and nothing i say could ever possibly comfort her and it kills me.
*sigh* I'm supposed to go out with some people tonight-i know, i just said i dont know anyone...some people from high school are down here, people i actually dont normally hang out with, but its someones birthday, so theyre going out. theyre supposed to call me-but its almost 10 and i havent heard a word. i'm not really expecting a phone call. i have my school books and i'm at the university library-that tells you how much i think theyre going to call. i dont really feel like going to a bar anyway. i dont feel like reading 3 hrs of homework either, but such is life.
i think i'm going to get to that now actually, though. it has to get done. i have to do well in school this semester!! i'll leave the dramatic shit thats going on with my family for another time.