(no subject)
Feeling kind of hopeless.
I just finished a 5 page letter to my mom, explaining that I'm still hurting from...well, everything, that I don't want residential but logically I think I need it, and that I need to seriously consider residential that's farther away from home. (It's kind of funny that my mom has always insisted on treatment near home because she says the family needs to be involved...other than saying they support me, I have yet to have any family involvement; in fact, I am told repeatedly that MY problem is ruining the family and how it's MY disorder and MY responsibility to get better and they don't need to be involved).
but I'm feeling hopeless because I don't think I can actually deliver the letter.
I want to get better and recover and all that, but mostly....I want to keep losing weight. I don't feel ready to recover, I can't commit to anything right now. It's emotionally draining for me to eat three meals a week and I'm so....numb. I'm just going through the motions and I've realized that I'm totally numb again. I don't feel emotions anymore, I just....am. up. Down. On the scale. Off the scale. Sleep when I finally can't keep my eyes open(because I don't allow myself to sleep). Eat. Throw up. Don't eat. Move through life with no real connection the the real world and no matter what the cost, don't let anyone into your sick little world. I was open in this letter, I stated my needs, and yet I don't feel i can share it for just that....because I was open, because I asked for things I don't feel I deserve and I'm so....wrapped up in this world. I can't comprehend anything ever changing, and I've started to just...deal with the fact that nothing will change and I will keep going through the motions until one day I don't wake up and that's it, that's my life. I lack the energy to care. I lack the motivation to change. All that goes on in my head anymore is "thinthinthinthinthinthin" and I have no desire to eat or exist or be or any of it. I body check constantly. I can't be bothered to get out of bed. I am absolutely pathetic. And I feel so utterly hopeless.
And the worst part is that I'm not even thin.
I just finished a 5 page letter to my mom, explaining that I'm still hurting from...well, everything, that I don't want residential but logically I think I need it, and that I need to seriously consider residential that's farther away from home. (It's kind of funny that my mom has always insisted on treatment near home because she says the family needs to be involved...other than saying they support me, I have yet to have any family involvement; in fact, I am told repeatedly that MY problem is ruining the family and how it's MY disorder and MY responsibility to get better and they don't need to be involved).
but I'm feeling hopeless because I don't think I can actually deliver the letter.
I want to get better and recover and all that, but mostly....I want to keep losing weight. I don't feel ready to recover, I can't commit to anything right now. It's emotionally draining for me to eat three meals a week and I'm so....numb. I'm just going through the motions and I've realized that I'm totally numb again. I don't feel emotions anymore, I just....am. up. Down. On the scale. Off the scale. Sleep when I finally can't keep my eyes open(because I don't allow myself to sleep). Eat. Throw up. Don't eat. Move through life with no real connection the the real world and no matter what the cost, don't let anyone into your sick little world. I was open in this letter, I stated my needs, and yet I don't feel i can share it for just that....because I was open, because I asked for things I don't feel I deserve and I'm so....wrapped up in this world. I can't comprehend anything ever changing, and I've started to just...deal with the fact that nothing will change and I will keep going through the motions until one day I don't wake up and that's it, that's my life. I lack the energy to care. I lack the motivation to change. All that goes on in my head anymore is "thinthinthinthinthinthin" and I have no desire to eat or exist or be or any of it. I body check constantly. I can't be bothered to get out of bed. I am absolutely pathetic. And I feel so utterly hopeless.
And the worst part is that I'm not even thin.