(no subject)
Tonight as I was getting ready to leave for work, my cat got into the basement. My fault, since I didnt shut the door behind me, since I thought she was locked up in her little room for the night. I couldn't stay to help get her out because I would be late for work.
So I called and made sure my dad knew she was down there; I was concerned she'd get outside(our house is 121 years old, the basement has thankfully been boarded up, but its reasonable that she could get outside) he starts flipping out about how I don't want to live there, how I hate everyone, how I act like I'm not a part of the family, yadda yadda. I told him that of course I hate it there, no one hides the fact that they HATE me. I don't blame them, really, since I'm a fucking waste of space and a straight up horrible human being. I hate me too. Let's make a fucking Facebook page already. He says it's because I act like that that they act like that. He said when my mom gets home from California, we're going to have a talk and "it won't be good.". So wtf does that mean?(; is he going to shove me around again? Call me useless again? Try and tell me the car I'm paying for isn't mine again?
Or maybe they're going to kick me out. Excellent idea, let's try that one.
I honestly have absolutely nowhere to go if they kick me out. I don't have money. My bank account is pathetically low. Even if I did have money, I wouldn't move out on my own because I would be dead within six months. What keeps me alive most days is the knowledge that if I off myself, my poor sister would probably find me and she doesn't deserve that, no matter how much of a bitch she is. If I'm out on my own? Who gives a fuck? No Mae to find me. No one to make me think that maybe eating is a good idea. No one to keep me from just ending it all, fucking finally.
I texted my mom and told her that if they don't want me around to just say so. I even told her about Walden. Not that it matters since I'm going to call when I leave work and cancel my assessment. I'm such a dumb cunt to have even done that. What the fuck was I thinking. I hate myself and want to die, every fucking day. So let the games begin. My family doesn't want me around? Excellent, I don't want to exist. If they don't kick me out, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing until one day I don't wake up. And if they do kick me out? Well I hope I can take my car; I'm either going into a tree or to the ER. I haven't decided if I'm worth the energy to even bother yet.
I give up. I really fucking do. It kind of hurts to just know that you're going to die and it may be in a puddle of your own vomit, but it hurts more every day that it just doesn't happen.
So I called and made sure my dad knew she was down there; I was concerned she'd get outside(our house is 121 years old, the basement has thankfully been boarded up, but its reasonable that she could get outside) he starts flipping out about how I don't want to live there, how I hate everyone, how I act like I'm not a part of the family, yadda yadda. I told him that of course I hate it there, no one hides the fact that they HATE me. I don't blame them, really, since I'm a fucking waste of space and a straight up horrible human being. I hate me too. Let's make a fucking Facebook page already. He says it's because I act like that that they act like that. He said when my mom gets home from California, we're going to have a talk and "it won't be good.". So wtf does that mean?(; is he going to shove me around again? Call me useless again? Try and tell me the car I'm paying for isn't mine again?
Or maybe they're going to kick me out. Excellent idea, let's try that one.
I honestly have absolutely nowhere to go if they kick me out. I don't have money. My bank account is pathetically low. Even if I did have money, I wouldn't move out on my own because I would be dead within six months. What keeps me alive most days is the knowledge that if I off myself, my poor sister would probably find me and she doesn't deserve that, no matter how much of a bitch she is. If I'm out on my own? Who gives a fuck? No Mae to find me. No one to make me think that maybe eating is a good idea. No one to keep me from just ending it all, fucking finally.
I texted my mom and told her that if they don't want me around to just say so. I even told her about Walden. Not that it matters since I'm going to call when I leave work and cancel my assessment. I'm such a dumb cunt to have even done that. What the fuck was I thinking. I hate myself and want to die, every fucking day. So let the games begin. My family doesn't want me around? Excellent, I don't want to exist. If they don't kick me out, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing until one day I don't wake up. And if they do kick me out? Well I hope I can take my car; I'm either going into a tree or to the ER. I haven't decided if I'm worth the energy to even bother yet.
I give up. I really fucking do. It kind of hurts to just know that you're going to die and it may be in a puddle of your own vomit, but it hurts more every day that it just doesn't happen.