a long-awaited posting
it has come to my attention that I have been letting down my end on the chatfic posting front. meaning it's time for the return of...
Late Night AU Theater, part 3245721
with your hosts, nahco3 and acchikocchi
tonight we introduce the first installment of our landmark series, Hookers That Sleep With Professors. (stay tuned long enough and you'll catch the tennis special, starring David Ferrer and Janko Tipsarevic. OH YOU THINK I'M KIDDING.) despite the fact that this chat occurred nearly a year ago the general concept has provided HOURS OF AMUSEMENT since. it is also very long. don't say I didn't warn you.
acchikocchi: now that my mind is on the subject
i would like to read some alvaro/raul that i did not write
nahco3: I feel you completely
but like what if it caught on
and then in a year there would be fic
where Raul was a heroin addicted hooker
and Alvaro was a professor
you would regret it
acchikocchi: chokes
oh my god
YES I WOULD
but i would also probably skim it out of morbid curiosity
to see just how you could DO that
nahco3: ok if I wrote you Alvaro/Raul
maybe Raul would not have a heroin addiction
but I WOULD DO THE REST
acchikocchi: SO JUST A HOOKER THEN
he would be such a cheerful one though
actually that would be kind of hilarious
acchikocchi: alvaro pisses off some rival/coworker and they call an "escort service"
and get someone sent to his house in revenge
raul: hey! :D
alvaro: ........................................
nahco3: AHAHAAAAAA
acchikocchi: alvaro's just going to send him away because what even
but the RANDOM HOOKER on his doorstep looks sort of disappointed and shifts around and is like
then i won't get paid
and i really need the money
alvaro: let me guess, to put yourself through school?
raul: no, my brother, how did you know?
alvaro: are you fucking kidding me.
nahco3: ALVARO
ILUUUUUUU
acchikocchi: so eventually he's like, fine, whatever, come in, you can hang out for a couple hours
nahco3: eat a sandwich
don't bother me
acchikocchi: OBVIOUSLY I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DENYING ANYONE AN EDUCATION
nahco3: GOD FORBID
I bet he asks Raul
what the brother's majoring in
acchikocchi: i'm sure he does
(the brother i'm thinking of is the one who plays for murcia)
nahco3: miguel!
says wiki
acchikocchi: ah! okay miguel.
he has to provide for the four albiol siblings after the tragic death of their parents
so he's working some demeaning labor job
but really he has potential and should go to university like he dreamed of!
raul explains, earnestly
alvaro: so, what
you're just going to be like
HERE, I EARNED THIS FOR YOU
can't tell you where i got it.
problem solved!
raul: ...........i guess?
i mean
i hadn't really thought that far
honestly.
nahco3: oh my god
tell me like
Alvaro hires him as typist or something
like, makes the university
and then regrets it EVERY DAY
acchikocchi: YES SOMETHING LIKE THAT
nahco3: administrative assistant
whatever
acchikocchi: but like
that doesn't actually pay as well
nahco3: AHAHAAA
there are benefits, though
literally benefits
acchikocchi: ALSO I'M GETTING AHEAD OF THINGS
nahco3: not like, seeing Alvaro in a sweater benefits
SORRY CONTINUE
acchikocchi: RIGHT SO
raul explains all these as alvaro finds himself engaging in conversation out of morbid fascination/against his better instincts
making a steady stream of sharp comments as usual
except raul, like, laughs at all of them
which most people don't appreciate his humor, so, you know, he guesses the guy's not that bad
nahco3: ALVARO
ONLY YOU
oh this hooker likes my jokes
I guess he's ok
acchikocchi: YUP
anyway they end up playing video games because clearly alvaro's not going to get any paperwork done here
and raul was like, oh, you have a PS3, awesome! i wanted one of those before everything went horribly wrong!
and then alvaro sends raul home -- or back to... wherever it is hookers come from -- and that's that
or it would be if it WEREN'T FOR HIS CONSCIENCE
so after a few days of arguing with himself he goes and finds his arch rival
who may or may not answer to the name of david villa
nahco3: YES
YES
YES
also did I mention
YES
acchikocchi: and is like
can i get the number of that place you called, i'm thinking about calling him back
cool as a cucumber, of course, just to fuck with him. XD
nahco3: lsdkjfldkfjldfkjg
yes of course
cold blooded enforcer that he is.
acchikocchi: DV: o_O
i don't know what the fuck it was called
i called the first place in the yellow pages
are you fucking with me, arbeloa?
alvaro: maybe, maybe not.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
nahco3: I appreciate their maturity here
not saying
I don't know
something even more juvenile
acchikocchi: well DV isn't on his game because he's kind of freaked out about why alvaro's actually asking
NOT THAT I AM GOING TO GET SIDETRACKED HERE
but he didn't know this place from the yellow pages, let's put it that way.
nahco3: David VIlla
are you in love with
David Silva
ALSO RENTBOY
acchikocchi: HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
NONE
WHATSOEVER
nahco3: HAHAAAAAAA
also I really want Mou as the evil chair of their department/genius in the field
acchikocchi: omg yes of course
probably he forces them to co-chair committees for kicks
nahco3: of course he does
acchikocchi: so alvaro calls and asks for raul again and is new levels of creeped out by how sleazy the whole thing is
like, when they think they have a potential regular on their hands
it is just
ew.
but anyway they send raul over who is really confused
all, i thought you said someone played a joke on you...?
nahco3: please tell me he is like
acchikocchi: do you just need someone to hang out with that badly? D:
kind of disappointed inside
he seemed so nice...
LOLOL
RAUL ILUUU
acchikocchi: alvaro: ..............NO, ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT I MIGHT DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ONCE
THOUGH I NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
and do you even have to ask that question
of course he was. XD
so alvaro is like, look
believe it or not i actually have some principles on the subject of education and shit
that do not include anyone being forced into prostitution to get it
so if you want to help your brother, i can hook you up with a job at the university
admin stuff
you can type and shit, right?
of course you can
everyone can use a computer
anyway, after you've been there three months you get reduced tuition for immediate family members
and then we can talk to financial aid, too
meanwhile during this explanation raul's face has gone from :O to O_O
to :D :D :D
THANK YOU
THAT IS SO GENEROUS
YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON
alvaro: yeah whatever.
don't mention it.
really, don't.
nahco3: please
especially not to David VIlla
acchikocchi: hahaha YES
so, yeah, you better give me your email or something so we can work this out
you'll probably be in my department somewhere
(sudden thought: what is their department?)
nahco3: something science-y
since Alvaro is a nerd
acchikocchi: it has to have alvaro, DV, and mou so it better be special
math?
nahco3: i can see it
acchikocchi: they get that all straightened out and alvaro is like, okay, i guess, what, you need to hang around for another hour or so?
raul: well.... it would help....
eyes gaming system longingly
alvaro: yeah i bet.
(but he doesn't mind because it's nice to be able to beat someone once in a while)
so finally raul's like, okay, i guess i better go now
thank you again
i really really really appreciate it
are you sure you don't want me to, you know....?
like, as a thank you?
since you're paying and all?
alvaro: .....
raul: i mean if you're not into guys i can just give you a blowjob.
alvaro: (god damn it why has it been so long since i got laid.)
nahco3: this is all David Villa's fault `
acchikocchi: IT REALLY REALLY IS.
sidenote: when david villa called this so-called escort service
and arranged this surprise for alvaro
the only criterion was that alvaro liked tall people.
nahco3: HAHAHAHAAHAHAA
acchikocchi: DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES THERE AFTER ALL
nahco3: I note that this rules out
YES
EXACTLY
acchikocchi: what are alvaro's true feelings on tall people? who the fuck knows, not DV
[we break for discussion of the dv/ds sidestory which maybe i will also post someday. ANYWAY.]
acchikocchi: so alvaro is like, well, it's abundantly clear i'm not coercing him here
we're not coworkers yet
what are the odds he'll work in my department, probably i'll never see him again
and i haven't gotten laid in a really, really long time.
on the other hand
AM I REALLY THAT PERSON NOW.
raul, seeing alvaro's lack of immediate denial is like
come on, i'm really good at it
i promise.
alvaro: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
FINE
OKAY
GOD.
nahco3: AHHAAAAAAA
ILU ALVARO
acchikocchi: forced to accept a blowjob from a hooker: only alvaro arbeloa.
so yeah, raul wasn't lying
apparently.
alvaro's not really sure
because he's having trouble with coherent thought here
as raul is like :D okay talk to you later! bye!
alvaro: .....................what just happened.
so like, he looks around for people in need of admins or research minions or anything entry-level
but finds a surprising lack of options
either the (other, inferior) departments don't have the budget or there are already enough student slave laborers or people just don't owe him enough favors
so finally he is like, fine
dr. mourinho
what is our budget like
i need to hire an assistant.
he manages to wrangle the funding out by signing his soul away to do more, like, advising and committee shit
because mou drives a hard bargain
on the other hand this will give him more actual work to have raul do, since it's not like he has a lot of that
nahco3: as I am sure Mou pointed out
acchikocchi: mou might have made a few pointed remarks, yes
alvaro sort of wormed around the question of why he suddenly wanted one
mou: don't you have a TA?
alvaro: ...i did until he decided he wanted villa to advise him instead.
mou: oh that's right! how could i forget.
alvaro: yes. yes how could you.
nahco3: STONE COLD
acchikocchi: me: so he gets in touch with raul and they get the paperwork sorted out and alvaro also says try not to mention that we met WHILE YOU WERE A HOOKER, okay.
...actually don't mention anything about you being a hooker, ever. it's for the best.
trust me.
not that raul is actually that stupid of course
but alvaro's pretty sure he's kind of weird for a hooker and maybe he should make all this clear up front
SINCE HE SAYS SOME PRETTY WEIRD THINGS
like all that stuff
before that time that alvaro is definitely not going to think about now
nope.
bad idea.
nahco3: NOT AT ALL
EVER AGAIN
acchikocchi: so raul shows up for his first day and everything seems to go fairly smoothly
though raul is like
hey
who's that guy
the short one with the scowl?
he looks weirdly familiar.
alvaro: what, villa?
he's an asshole
that's who he is.
or i guess you could say he's one of the other professors in the department.
just avoid him, leave him to me.
raul: huh
i could swear i've seen him before.
nahco3: dksalkjdflkdjflkfjdlLSDKJFLSDKJGLSFKGJLDSKG
acchikocchi: then like, a day or two later, when he finds out DV's full name
OH
OH
he's the one david's so hung up on!
oh um different david, obviously, my friend from work
...........................um.
alvaro: ...
...
.......*SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS WITH GLEE*
nahco3: AHAHAAA
THIS IS ALL SO GREAT
acchikocchi: only of course
he can't rub this in villa's face
because he can't let on how he knows
nahco3: because really
he is not that much better
acchikocchi: so that is killing him a little bit
but at least he can savor this joy on the inside
smirk at DV all the time, inexplicably
plot how to drop veiled references to the name of the service and/or prostitution in general into conversation
meanwhile it quickly becomes clear that raul is a terrible admin
his typing method is hunt and peck
he's really bad at multitasking
he's hopeless with office technology
computers in general, when it doesn't involve first person shooters
alvaro is just like
i did not actually realize it was possible
to be in your 20s in the 21st century
and be this bad at computers
raul: i think i just need to practice?
i haven't had a lot before
[implied: since my family is BROKEN and DESTITUTE]
nahco3: ohh twist the knife
acchikocchi: alvaro: (HOW DOES HE DO THAT ARGH. *guilt*)
but raul is good with people
literally, everyone.
so alvaro makes him answer the phone
and evaluate his drafts of correspondence and things
because sometimes he wants them to be scathing
but sometimes it just sort of happens accidentally
and it would be nice to pick and choose when.
and also deal with students who come by outside of office hours demanding things
nahco3: cold blooded enforcer part two?
acchikocchi: so his students are like, heyyy, professor arbeloa, who's the hot admin? is he single?
alvaro: go do your problem set.
nahco3: he would never tell them
since he respects Raul's autonomy
not for any other reason
acchikocchi: so like
they're together pretty much all the time
and they kind of get along?
really well
like, they have the same taste
and raul is pretty funny himself
and REALLY gullible
not that alvaro would ever dream of taking advantage of that.
of course not.
all right, when raul asked him what the faculty were talking about when they mentioned "pi day" he might have lied a little bit
or a lot
but it was funny
nahco3: HAHAAAA ALVARO ILUUU
acchikocchi: and pi day is high school shit anyway
THIS IS A UNIVERSITY HERE
nahco3: I don't even have words for how much I love all of this
acchikocchi: not that it stops him eating any of the pie that always seems to turn up in math departments on march 14th
so anyway
they are like, friends?
which is kind of weird but also kind of weirdly not weird
alvaro can't actually pursue that train of thought too long without starting to think in circles
nahco3: STOP OVERTHINKING
and spend more time watching him bend over to get files out of the low cabinet
acchikocchi: HAHAH YEAH THERE'S PLENTY OF THAT
though maybe not entirely on a conscious level
like, of course raul's hot, that's not exactly news
but alvaro is not creepy about it, thanks
and he definitely never thinks about that thing he never thinks about
so it's fine!
so one day raul comes in, like, really tired
circles under his eyes, yawning, bumping into things, the works
until alvaro is like, if you're sick or something, you can just call in, you know
raul: sorry D:
no, i just had a really late job
alvaro: you have another job? what? since when?
raul: ....since... always...?
nahco3: fgbhnjyfredfvbgnjmhygf
acchikocchi: as long as i've known you?
i thought you didn't want me to talk about it here.
alvaro: ...
raul: ...
stare at each other
alvaro: i think we need to go somewhere and talk RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE STILL A HOOKER?
raul: what are you talking about? why wouldn't i be?
alvaro: i thought you quit!
raul: why would i quit? this is a great job and i appreciate the benefits and eventually the tuition
but um
you guys don't really
pay that well.
alvaro: but
but
raul: you didn't tell me i had to quit!
alvaro: I THOUGHT THAT WAS MAYBE CLEAR FROM THE PART ABOUT NEVER MENTIONING IT HERE AGAIN
nahco3: OH GOD
POOR ALVARO
acchikocchi: he is legitimately concerned and upset for practical reasons
and also like
feeling irrational killing rage
aka
jealousy.
alvaro: so, what, you just finish up your day job and then go off to your night shift fucking people?
raul: sometimes i play video games with them.
alvaro: actually speechless
raul: kidding.
nahco3: HAHAHAAA
HAHAHA
AHHAHAA
acchikocchi: come on, it's not that bad alvaro
i told you there are four of us at home, it's sort of important
the money's really good
and since i get benefits now it's not even much of my time
like, a couple times a week or something
no big deal
alvaro: still basically speechless
raul: .....alvaro?
alvaro: okay albiol i get it
you're down on your luck, you need money
fine
you want to put yourself in danger
that's your business
but don't expect me to be fucking happy about it.
take a sick day and go home.
see you tomorrow.
raul: D:
but goes
alvaro then proceeds to tear the head off of anyone who crosses his path for the rest of the day
much to their chagrin.
nahco3: USE THAT PAIN
TO MAKE MATH MAJORS' LIVES MISERABLE ALVARO
THAT'S REALLY PRODUCTIVE
acchikocchi: OH HE DOES
also his colleagues
especially DV
who's like, what, have a fight with your boyfriend, arbeloa?
nahco3: OH DV
THE ICE YOU ARE ON
PRETTY THIN
acchikocchi: alvaro: (can i actually kill him in the middle of the office? would there be too many witnesses?)
YES
very thin
at cracking point really
though sadly there are in fact witnesses so alvaro can't be like GO CRY TO YOUR RENTBOY
like he would dearly like to.
nahco3: that would be pretty mean of him
also Mou would literally have to break up a fistfight there
acchikocchi: oh yeah
that would be like
flying across the room
i kill you
physical violence there
so raul shows up the next day all subdued, for raul
which is kind of awful actually
because he is like always good-natured
and talkative
and sfjkaskjfdf it just feels awkward.
like anytime they have to talk to each other
which is a terrible reversal of how things should be.
nahco3: ohhh BOYS
acchikocchi: and after day or two of this raul is like ...i can quit if you want me to.
if it's too much of a liability
for the school or the department, or, i don't know, your reputation
alvaro: christ, no, i wasn't telling you to quit.
fuck.
no you can keep working here.
just, fuck, watch out for yourself
i don't know.
raul: it's safe, honest, they vet the clients and i don't really take anyone kin --
alvaro: OKAY OKAY i get it
raul: under his breath besides, plenty of times it's not even actual fucking.
alvaro: WHAT PART OF OKAY DID YOU NOT UNDERST - oh you bastard you're doing that on purpose.
raul: ................grin
(raul obviously does not understand why alvaro doesn't want to hear about it)
(he thinks it's just normal TMI and is prepared to troll accordingly.)
Grace: (NOT THAT HE IS TORTURING ALVARO WITH FEELINGS)
acchikocchi: so then things are sort of normal again
only like, raul keeps asking weird questions?
about alvaro's family and stuff
since alvaro has a bunch of siblings too
and one day he's like, i don't know
i was talking with my friend
and he said if he were as lucky as me he wouldn't be risking it
because i have all these people who would care, if they knew, or if something happened
nahco3: (this is david silva right?)
(also dlkfjlfdkjglkrjtlewkflkjdg)
acchikocchi: (david silva, obviously, is at the moment estranged from his family.)
(it's not really going well.)
nahco3: (oh baby)
(honey)
(when dv publishes his masterful work of popularizing mathematics he will care for you FOREVER) (i hope)
acchikocchi: (OF COURSE)
SO ANYWAY
alvaro is maybe not so much entirely not recognizing his own feelings as his not wanting to recognize them?
like, if he doesn't actually acknowledge them they'll go away, right
since that would be about a million kinds of inappropriate here, wow
and also possibly against the employment contract he signed
so he is just like, it's cool, we're friends, friends talk about serious issues like this
whether or not to quit their side job of semi-prostitution
so anyway it has been like three months at this point and raul has stuck it out long enough for the tuition thing and he and miguel are straightening out admissions and financial aid and all that
miguel shows up at alvaro's office actually and is like THANK YOU
FOR HIRING MY BROTHER WHO IS NOT THAT COMPETENT
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON
THIS IS MY DREAM
etc.
raul is like, squirming in the background
WITH GUILT
miguel: raul told me that you helped out after he explained our situation and i just want to say
i know his salary isn't normal for an admin position without a degree
and i don't know what strings you pulled
but i really appreciate it
alvaro: ...............oh really.
i mean, right
it was nothing
nahco3: ffgfnhgmhtgredcvbhgtf
acchikocchi: raul: GUILT GUILT GUILT
because he's got to explain this money somehow, right? XD
so anyway eventually raul comes in one morning and is like
i quit.
alvaro: ....what?
raul: last night. i quit.
alvaro: realizes that was a past tense statement and not a present tense one
since he had automatically assumed raul meant, i'm quitting.
nahco3: YES
YES
DSFJLKFJGLKFGJLFKSGJLRKFJLESF
acchikocchi: alvaro: what are you going to do? about the extra money?
raul: i don't know, find a real part time job, i guess
i just, you know
david had a point
that there are people who
i dunno
would care.
alvaro: ..............yeah.
yeah so anyway.
nahco3: (LIKE HIM)
are you going to tell your brother what's up?
raul: um
maybe once we've spent the money and he can't refuse to use it.
alvaro: well
i'll look around
let you know if i hear anything
[aka, have friends i can call in favors on.]
so, let me know if i can help or something
i mean i don't know what i could do but
you're
my friend
and all.
clearly sort of embarrassed
raul: ......huge grin
AWW
THANKS
alvaro: shut up.
raul: YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.
alvaro: shut up
nahco3: SDJFLKSDJFLKSDF
I LOVE THEM
acchikocchi: at this very inconvenient timing, alvaro has to leave for a week or so
boring conference or something equally tedious
and it is like the longest trip of his fucking life
he is just like, used to seeing raul all the time
every day
and he is
so
bored
without raul to talk to
and without anyone to make snide comments to
or like, normal person conversation that isn't about number theory all the time
not that there is anything wrong with number theory in principle
but sometimes you just want to talk about the nba, jesus.
why do mathematicians like baseball so much?
it is the only sport they ever talk about
HE'S JUST SO BORED
so the week from hell passes, he gets back and gets into the office
and is sort of
maybe
a lot
looking forward to seeing raul
only he doesn't come in at his usual time?
but there aren't any messages, he didn't call in sick
maybe he arranged it ahead of time with mourinho or something, while alvaro was gone
so he pokes his head in mou's office even though technically the faculty are supposed to go through some kind of elaborate ritual knock and obeisance to distinguish them from everyone else, alvaro doesn't even know
and mou is like
oh
albiol
yes
he got promoted.
alvaro: he got what.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOL
FOREVER
ALL OF THIS
acchikocchi: mou: perhaps you didn't realize this since it would be quite difficult for you to recognize
but albiol's very good with people
he's wasted displacing your files
so i recommended him to the office of the student ombudsman
and of course with my recommendation he was hired immediately.
i believe he started two days ago.
alvaro: once again, speechless
nahco3: GO GET YOUR MAN ALVARO
HE'S FREE NOW
acchikocchi: (because i feel like if anyone can mediate between bratty students and kafkaesque bureaucrats, it would have to be someone like raul.)
mou: i understand there's a significant salary increase.
it should make up for some of the overall decrease in his income.
alvaro: O____O
nahco3: DKFLDSJFLKD
MOU
MY FACE IS LIKE ALVARO'S
acchikocchi: mou: and if you want a new assistant may i suggest you look for one who can type.
was there something else you wanted?
alvaro: ....no
no
i think
i'll just
go now
(please, as if mou's personal background checks wouldn't turn up something like this
he doesn't trust HR, with good reason
and he has Connections.)
nahco3: OH OF COURSE HE DOES
acchikocchi: so alvaro leaves, kind of numbly
BECAUSE HIS MIND IS REALLY BLANK RIGHT NOW
and finds himself walking to the university admin offices
without really realizing it
acchikocchi: on autopilot
gets there and sees raul through the glass and has a really embarrassing reaction, emotionally speaking.
goes in
raul: alvaro!
hi!
Grace: akdsfjlsdkfjlkdfjldkfgjlkjLKSDJFLKSDJFLSKDGS
GRAB HIM AND KISS HIM
acchikocchi: D:
wait
sorry
i wanted to let you know? but it was really sudden and you weren't answering your phone?
[he turned it off when he realized he was checking it all. the. time.]
alvaro: blankly you don't work for me anymore.
raul: ....no, but
it was a really good offer
and we can still be friends, right?
alvaro: dawning comprehension you don't work for me anymore.
raul: you just said - mmmmf?
nahco3: MAKE OUT MAKE OUT MAKE OUT
acchikocchi: they do.
that was the sound of alvaro snapping at last XD
and like, it's a good thing there's not really anyone around
because raul doesn't have his own office
and climbing into someone's lap in the middle of the main office is not the best idea ever
so only moderate making out
and then raul, who remembers was sort of attacked out of nowhere here, is like (all out of breath, of course), ....alvaro?
and alvaro is like, you're coming home with me
no questions
raul: still semi-dazed okay.
so (eventually) he does
and they have sex
a lot of it
and raul is like, you know
we could have just done this the first time i came to your place
your way is kind of complicated.
alvaro: oh shut up.
hits him with a pillow
and they lived happily ever after with mutual feelings
except for the time david villa figured out raul and DS were friends
work friends
and that he was suffering away in this tragic fucking soap opera here while SOME PEOPLE
HIRED THEIR FUCKING HOOKERS TO WORK FOR THEM
IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING DEPARTMENT
but that
as they say
is a story for another time
in summary:
acchikocchi: how the hell did i end up telling a story about raul albiol as a hooker, anyway
nahco3: um
I made up
acchikocchi: i think this is your fault.
nahco3: a badfic summary?
AND YOU TOOK ME UP ON IT
so not my fault here
acchikocchi: i'd like to blame you anyway
are you sure it's not
it would just be convenient.
nahco3: I am DV
ok, I called the hooker
but you are Alvaro
WHO INVITED HIM IN
and PLAYED VIDEOGAMES WITH HIM
Late Night AU Theater, part 3245721
with your hosts, nahco3 and acchikocchi
tonight we introduce the first installment of our landmark series, Hookers That Sleep With Professors. (stay tuned long enough and you'll catch the tennis special, starring David Ferrer and Janko Tipsarevic. OH YOU THINK I'M KIDDING.) despite the fact that this chat occurred nearly a year ago the general concept has provided HOURS OF AMUSEMENT since. it is also very long. don't say I didn't warn you.
acchikocchi: now that my mind is on the subject
i would like to read some alvaro/raul that i did not write
nahco3: I feel you completely
but like what if it caught on
and then in a year there would be fic
where Raul was a heroin addicted hooker
and Alvaro was a professor
you would regret it
acchikocchi: chokes
oh my god
YES I WOULD
but i would also probably skim it out of morbid curiosity
to see just how you could DO that
nahco3: ok if I wrote you Alvaro/Raul
maybe Raul would not have a heroin addiction
but I WOULD DO THE REST
acchikocchi: SO JUST A HOOKER THEN
he would be such a cheerful one though
actually that would be kind of hilarious
acchikocchi: alvaro pisses off some rival/coworker and they call an "escort service"
and get someone sent to his house in revenge
raul: hey! :D
alvaro: ........................................
nahco3: AHAHAAAAAA
acchikocchi: alvaro's just going to send him away because what even
but the RANDOM HOOKER on his doorstep looks sort of disappointed and shifts around and is like
then i won't get paid
and i really need the money
alvaro: let me guess, to put yourself through school?
raul: no, my brother, how did you know?
alvaro: are you fucking kidding me.
nahco3: ALVARO
ILUUUUUUU
acchikocchi: so eventually he's like, fine, whatever, come in, you can hang out for a couple hours
nahco3: eat a sandwich
don't bother me
acchikocchi: OBVIOUSLY I WOULDN'T DREAM OF DENYING ANYONE AN EDUCATION
nahco3: GOD FORBID
I bet he asks Raul
what the brother's majoring in
acchikocchi: i'm sure he does
(the brother i'm thinking of is the one who plays for murcia)
nahco3: miguel!
says wiki
acchikocchi: ah! okay miguel.
he has to provide for the four albiol siblings after the tragic death of their parents
so he's working some demeaning labor job
but really he has potential and should go to university like he dreamed of!
raul explains, earnestly
alvaro: so, what
you're just going to be like
HERE, I EARNED THIS FOR YOU
can't tell you where i got it.
problem solved!
raul: ...........i guess?
i mean
i hadn't really thought that far
honestly.
nahco3: oh my god
tell me like
Alvaro hires him as typist or something
like, makes the university
and then regrets it EVERY DAY
acchikocchi: YES SOMETHING LIKE THAT
nahco3: administrative assistant
whatever
acchikocchi: but like
that doesn't actually pay as well
nahco3: AHAHAAA
there are benefits, though
literally benefits
acchikocchi: ALSO I'M GETTING AHEAD OF THINGS
nahco3: not like, seeing Alvaro in a sweater benefits
SORRY CONTINUE
acchikocchi: RIGHT SO
raul explains all these as alvaro finds himself engaging in conversation out of morbid fascination/against his better instincts
making a steady stream of sharp comments as usual
except raul, like, laughs at all of them
which most people don't appreciate his humor, so, you know, he guesses the guy's not that bad
nahco3: ALVARO
ONLY YOU
oh this hooker likes my jokes
I guess he's ok
acchikocchi: YUP
anyway they end up playing video games because clearly alvaro's not going to get any paperwork done here
and raul was like, oh, you have a PS3, awesome! i wanted one of those before everything went horribly wrong!
and then alvaro sends raul home -- or back to... wherever it is hookers come from -- and that's that
or it would be if it WEREN'T FOR HIS CONSCIENCE
so after a few days of arguing with himself he goes and finds his arch rival
who may or may not answer to the name of david villa
nahco3: YES
YES
YES
also did I mention
YES
acchikocchi: and is like
can i get the number of that place you called, i'm thinking about calling him back
cool as a cucumber, of course, just to fuck with him. XD
nahco3: lsdkjfldkfjldfkjg
yes of course
cold blooded enforcer that he is.
acchikocchi: DV: o_O
i don't know what the fuck it was called
i called the first place in the yellow pages
are you fucking with me, arbeloa?
alvaro: maybe, maybe not.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
nahco3: I appreciate their maturity here
not saying
I don't know
something even more juvenile
acchikocchi: well DV isn't on his game because he's kind of freaked out about why alvaro's actually asking
NOT THAT I AM GOING TO GET SIDETRACKED HERE
but he didn't know this place from the yellow pages, let's put it that way.
nahco3: David VIlla
are you in love with
David Silva
ALSO RENTBOY
acchikocchi: HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
NONE
WHATSOEVER
nahco3: HAHAAAAAAA
also I really want Mou as the evil chair of their department/genius in the field
acchikocchi: omg yes of course
probably he forces them to co-chair committees for kicks
nahco3: of course he does
acchikocchi: so alvaro calls and asks for raul again and is new levels of creeped out by how sleazy the whole thing is
like, when they think they have a potential regular on their hands
it is just
ew.
but anyway they send raul over who is really confused
all, i thought you said someone played a joke on you...?
nahco3: please tell me he is like
acchikocchi: do you just need someone to hang out with that badly? D:
kind of disappointed inside
he seemed so nice...
LOLOL
RAUL ILUUU
acchikocchi: alvaro: ..............NO, ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT I MIGHT DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ONCE
THOUGH I NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
and do you even have to ask that question
of course he was. XD
so alvaro is like, look
believe it or not i actually have some principles on the subject of education and shit
that do not include anyone being forced into prostitution to get it
so if you want to help your brother, i can hook you up with a job at the university
admin stuff
you can type and shit, right?
of course you can
everyone can use a computer
anyway, after you've been there three months you get reduced tuition for immediate family members
and then we can talk to financial aid, too
meanwhile during this explanation raul's face has gone from :O to O_O
to :D :D :D
THANK YOU
THAT IS SO GENEROUS
YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON
alvaro: yeah whatever.
don't mention it.
really, don't.
nahco3: please
especially not to David VIlla
acchikocchi: hahaha YES
so, yeah, you better give me your email or something so we can work this out
you'll probably be in my department somewhere
(sudden thought: what is their department?)
nahco3: something science-y
since Alvaro is a nerd
acchikocchi: it has to have alvaro, DV, and mou so it better be special
math?
nahco3: i can see it
acchikocchi: they get that all straightened out and alvaro is like, okay, i guess, what, you need to hang around for another hour or so?
raul: well.... it would help....
eyes gaming system longingly
alvaro: yeah i bet.
(but he doesn't mind because it's nice to be able to beat someone once in a while)
so finally raul's like, okay, i guess i better go now
thank you again
i really really really appreciate it
are you sure you don't want me to, you know....?
like, as a thank you?
since you're paying and all?
alvaro: .....
raul: i mean if you're not into guys i can just give you a blowjob.
alvaro: (god damn it why has it been so long since i got laid.)
nahco3: this is all David Villa's fault `
acchikocchi: IT REALLY REALLY IS.
sidenote: when david villa called this so-called escort service
and arranged this surprise for alvaro
the only criterion was that alvaro liked tall people.
nahco3: HAHAHAHAAHAHAA
acchikocchi: DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES THERE AFTER ALL
nahco3: I note that this rules out
YES
EXACTLY
acchikocchi: what are alvaro's true feelings on tall people? who the fuck knows, not DV
[we break for discussion of the dv/ds sidestory which maybe i will also post someday. ANYWAY.]
acchikocchi: so alvaro is like, well, it's abundantly clear i'm not coercing him here
we're not coworkers yet
what are the odds he'll work in my department, probably i'll never see him again
and i haven't gotten laid in a really, really long time.
on the other hand
AM I REALLY THAT PERSON NOW.
raul, seeing alvaro's lack of immediate denial is like
come on, i'm really good at it
i promise.
alvaro: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
FINE
OKAY
GOD.
nahco3: AHHAAAAAAA
ILU ALVARO
acchikocchi: forced to accept a blowjob from a hooker: only alvaro arbeloa.
so yeah, raul wasn't lying
apparently.
alvaro's not really sure
because he's having trouble with coherent thought here
as raul is like :D okay talk to you later! bye!
alvaro: .....................what just happened.
so like, he looks around for people in need of admins or research minions or anything entry-level
but finds a surprising lack of options
either the (other, inferior) departments don't have the budget or there are already enough student slave laborers or people just don't owe him enough favors
so finally he is like, fine
dr. mourinho
what is our budget like
i need to hire an assistant.
he manages to wrangle the funding out by signing his soul away to do more, like, advising and committee shit
because mou drives a hard bargain
on the other hand this will give him more actual work to have raul do, since it's not like he has a lot of that
nahco3: as I am sure Mou pointed out
acchikocchi: mou might have made a few pointed remarks, yes
alvaro sort of wormed around the question of why he suddenly wanted one
mou: don't you have a TA?
alvaro: ...i did until he decided he wanted villa to advise him instead.
mou: oh that's right! how could i forget.
alvaro: yes. yes how could you.
nahco3: STONE COLD
acchikocchi: me: so he gets in touch with raul and they get the paperwork sorted out and alvaro also says try not to mention that we met WHILE YOU WERE A HOOKER, okay.
...actually don't mention anything about you being a hooker, ever. it's for the best.
trust me.
not that raul is actually that stupid of course
but alvaro's pretty sure he's kind of weird for a hooker and maybe he should make all this clear up front
SINCE HE SAYS SOME PRETTY WEIRD THINGS
like all that stuff
before that time that alvaro is definitely not going to think about now
nope.
bad idea.
nahco3: NOT AT ALL
EVER AGAIN
acchikocchi: so raul shows up for his first day and everything seems to go fairly smoothly
though raul is like
hey
who's that guy
the short one with the scowl?
he looks weirdly familiar.
alvaro: what, villa?
he's an asshole
that's who he is.
or i guess you could say he's one of the other professors in the department.
just avoid him, leave him to me.
raul: huh
i could swear i've seen him before.
nahco3: dksalkjdflkdjflkfjdlLSDKJFLSDKJGLSFKGJLDSKG
acchikocchi: then like, a day or two later, when he finds out DV's full name
OH
OH
he's the one david's so hung up on!
oh um different david, obviously, my friend from work
...........................um.
alvaro: ...
...
.......*SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS WITH GLEE*
nahco3: AHAHAAA
THIS IS ALL SO GREAT
acchikocchi: only of course
he can't rub this in villa's face
because he can't let on how he knows
nahco3: because really
he is not that much better
acchikocchi: so that is killing him a little bit
but at least he can savor this joy on the inside
smirk at DV all the time, inexplicably
plot how to drop veiled references to the name of the service and/or prostitution in general into conversation
meanwhile it quickly becomes clear that raul is a terrible admin
his typing method is hunt and peck
he's really bad at multitasking
he's hopeless with office technology
computers in general, when it doesn't involve first person shooters
alvaro is just like
i did not actually realize it was possible
to be in your 20s in the 21st century
and be this bad at computers
raul: i think i just need to practice?
i haven't had a lot before
[implied: since my family is BROKEN and DESTITUTE]
nahco3: ohh twist the knife
acchikocchi: alvaro: (HOW DOES HE DO THAT ARGH. *guilt*)
but raul is good with people
literally, everyone.
so alvaro makes him answer the phone
and evaluate his drafts of correspondence and things
because sometimes he wants them to be scathing
but sometimes it just sort of happens accidentally
and it would be nice to pick and choose when.
and also deal with students who come by outside of office hours demanding things
nahco3: cold blooded enforcer part two?
acchikocchi: so his students are like, heyyy, professor arbeloa, who's the hot admin? is he single?
alvaro: go do your problem set.
nahco3: he would never tell them
since he respects Raul's autonomy
not for any other reason
acchikocchi: so like
they're together pretty much all the time
and they kind of get along?
really well
like, they have the same taste
and raul is pretty funny himself
and REALLY gullible
not that alvaro would ever dream of taking advantage of that.
of course not.
all right, when raul asked him what the faculty were talking about when they mentioned "pi day" he might have lied a little bit
or a lot
but it was funny
nahco3: HAHAAAA ALVARO ILUUU
acchikocchi: and pi day is high school shit anyway
THIS IS A UNIVERSITY HERE
nahco3: I don't even have words for how much I love all of this
acchikocchi: not that it stops him eating any of the pie that always seems to turn up in math departments on march 14th
so anyway
they are like, friends?
which is kind of weird but also kind of weirdly not weird
alvaro can't actually pursue that train of thought too long without starting to think in circles
nahco3: STOP OVERTHINKING
and spend more time watching him bend over to get files out of the low cabinet
acchikocchi: HAHAH YEAH THERE'S PLENTY OF THAT
though maybe not entirely on a conscious level
like, of course raul's hot, that's not exactly news
but alvaro is not creepy about it, thanks
and he definitely never thinks about that thing he never thinks about
so it's fine!
so one day raul comes in, like, really tired
circles under his eyes, yawning, bumping into things, the works
until alvaro is like, if you're sick or something, you can just call in, you know
raul: sorry D:
no, i just had a really late job
alvaro: you have another job? what? since when?
raul: ....since... always...?
nahco3: fgbhnjyfredfvbgnjmhygf
acchikocchi: as long as i've known you?
i thought you didn't want me to talk about it here.
alvaro: ...
raul: ...
stare at each other
alvaro: i think we need to go somewhere and talk RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU'RE STILL A HOOKER?
raul: what are you talking about? why wouldn't i be?
alvaro: i thought you quit!
raul: why would i quit? this is a great job and i appreciate the benefits and eventually the tuition
but um
you guys don't really
pay that well.
alvaro: but
but
raul: you didn't tell me i had to quit!
alvaro: I THOUGHT THAT WAS MAYBE CLEAR FROM THE PART ABOUT NEVER MENTIONING IT HERE AGAIN
nahco3: OH GOD
POOR ALVARO
acchikocchi: he is legitimately concerned and upset for practical reasons
and also like
feeling irrational killing rage
aka
jealousy.
alvaro: so, what, you just finish up your day job and then go off to your night shift fucking people?
raul: sometimes i play video games with them.
alvaro: actually speechless
raul: kidding.
nahco3: HAHAHAAA
HAHAHA
AHHAHAA
acchikocchi: come on, it's not that bad alvaro
i told you there are four of us at home, it's sort of important
the money's really good
and since i get benefits now it's not even much of my time
like, a couple times a week or something
no big deal
alvaro: still basically speechless
raul: .....alvaro?
alvaro: okay albiol i get it
you're down on your luck, you need money
fine
you want to put yourself in danger
that's your business
but don't expect me to be fucking happy about it.
take a sick day and go home.
see you tomorrow.
raul: D:
but goes
alvaro then proceeds to tear the head off of anyone who crosses his path for the rest of the day
much to their chagrin.
nahco3: USE THAT PAIN
TO MAKE MATH MAJORS' LIVES MISERABLE ALVARO
THAT'S REALLY PRODUCTIVE
acchikocchi: OH HE DOES
also his colleagues
especially DV
who's like, what, have a fight with your boyfriend, arbeloa?
nahco3: OH DV
THE ICE YOU ARE ON
PRETTY THIN
acchikocchi: alvaro: (can i actually kill him in the middle of the office? would there be too many witnesses?)
YES
very thin
at cracking point really
though sadly there are in fact witnesses so alvaro can't be like GO CRY TO YOUR RENTBOY
like he would dearly like to.
nahco3: that would be pretty mean of him
also Mou would literally have to break up a fistfight there
acchikocchi: oh yeah
that would be like
flying across the room
i kill you
physical violence there
so raul shows up the next day all subdued, for raul
which is kind of awful actually
because he is like always good-natured
and talkative
and sfjkaskjfdf it just feels awkward.
like anytime they have to talk to each other
which is a terrible reversal of how things should be.
nahco3: ohhh BOYS
acchikocchi: and after day or two of this raul is like ...i can quit if you want me to.
if it's too much of a liability
for the school or the department, or, i don't know, your reputation
alvaro: christ, no, i wasn't telling you to quit.
fuck.
no you can keep working here.
just, fuck, watch out for yourself
i don't know.
raul: it's safe, honest, they vet the clients and i don't really take anyone kin --
alvaro: OKAY OKAY i get it
raul: under his breath besides, plenty of times it's not even actual fucking.
alvaro: WHAT PART OF OKAY DID YOU NOT UNDERST - oh you bastard you're doing that on purpose.
raul: ................grin
(raul obviously does not understand why alvaro doesn't want to hear about it)
(he thinks it's just normal TMI and is prepared to troll accordingly.)
Grace: (NOT THAT HE IS TORTURING ALVARO WITH FEELINGS)
acchikocchi: so then things are sort of normal again
only like, raul keeps asking weird questions?
about alvaro's family and stuff
since alvaro has a bunch of siblings too
and one day he's like, i don't know
i was talking with my friend
and he said if he were as lucky as me he wouldn't be risking it
because i have all these people who would care, if they knew, or if something happened
nahco3: (this is david silva right?)
(also dlkfjlfdkjglkrjtlewkflkjdg)
acchikocchi: (david silva, obviously, is at the moment estranged from his family.)
(it's not really going well.)
nahco3: (oh baby)
(honey)
(when dv publishes his masterful work of popularizing mathematics he will care for you FOREVER) (i hope)
acchikocchi: (OF COURSE)
SO ANYWAY
alvaro is maybe not so much entirely not recognizing his own feelings as his not wanting to recognize them?
like, if he doesn't actually acknowledge them they'll go away, right
since that would be about a million kinds of inappropriate here, wow
and also possibly against the employment contract he signed
so he is just like, it's cool, we're friends, friends talk about serious issues like this
whether or not to quit their side job of semi-prostitution
so anyway it has been like three months at this point and raul has stuck it out long enough for the tuition thing and he and miguel are straightening out admissions and financial aid and all that
miguel shows up at alvaro's office actually and is like THANK YOU
FOR HIRING MY BROTHER WHO IS NOT THAT COMPETENT
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON
THIS IS MY DREAM
etc.
raul is like, squirming in the background
WITH GUILT
miguel: raul told me that you helped out after he explained our situation and i just want to say
i know his salary isn't normal for an admin position without a degree
and i don't know what strings you pulled
but i really appreciate it
alvaro: ...............oh really.
i mean, right
it was nothing
nahco3: ffgfnhgmhtgredcvbhgtf
acchikocchi: raul: GUILT GUILT GUILT
because he's got to explain this money somehow, right? XD
so anyway eventually raul comes in one morning and is like
i quit.
alvaro: ....what?
raul: last night. i quit.
alvaro: realizes that was a past tense statement and not a present tense one
since he had automatically assumed raul meant, i'm quitting.
nahco3: YES
YES
DSFJLKFJGLKFGJLFKSGJLRKFJLESF
acchikocchi: alvaro: what are you going to do? about the extra money?
raul: i don't know, find a real part time job, i guess
i just, you know
david had a point
that there are people who
i dunno
would care.
alvaro: ..............yeah.
yeah so anyway.
nahco3: (LIKE HIM)
are you going to tell your brother what's up?
raul: um
maybe once we've spent the money and he can't refuse to use it.
alvaro: well
i'll look around
let you know if i hear anything
[aka, have friends i can call in favors on.]
so, let me know if i can help or something
i mean i don't know what i could do but
you're
my friend
and all.
clearly sort of embarrassed
raul: ......huge grin
AWW
THANKS
alvaro: shut up.
raul: YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.
alvaro: shut up
nahco3: SDJFLKSDJFLKSDF
I LOVE THEM
acchikocchi: at this very inconvenient timing, alvaro has to leave for a week or so
boring conference or something equally tedious
and it is like the longest trip of his fucking life
he is just like, used to seeing raul all the time
every day
and he is
so
bored
without raul to talk to
and without anyone to make snide comments to
or like, normal person conversation that isn't about number theory all the time
not that there is anything wrong with number theory in principle
but sometimes you just want to talk about the nba, jesus.
why do mathematicians like baseball so much?
it is the only sport they ever talk about
HE'S JUST SO BORED
so the week from hell passes, he gets back and gets into the office
and is sort of
maybe
a lot
looking forward to seeing raul
only he doesn't come in at his usual time?
but there aren't any messages, he didn't call in sick
maybe he arranged it ahead of time with mourinho or something, while alvaro was gone
so he pokes his head in mou's office even though technically the faculty are supposed to go through some kind of elaborate ritual knock and obeisance to distinguish them from everyone else, alvaro doesn't even know
and mou is like
oh
albiol
yes
he got promoted.
alvaro: he got what.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOL
FOREVER
ALL OF THIS
acchikocchi: mou: perhaps you didn't realize this since it would be quite difficult for you to recognize
but albiol's very good with people
he's wasted displacing your files
so i recommended him to the office of the student ombudsman
and of course with my recommendation he was hired immediately.
i believe he started two days ago.
alvaro: once again, speechless
nahco3: GO GET YOUR MAN ALVARO
HE'S FREE NOW
acchikocchi: (because i feel like if anyone can mediate between bratty students and kafkaesque bureaucrats, it would have to be someone like raul.)
mou: i understand there's a significant salary increase.
it should make up for some of the overall decrease in his income.
alvaro: O____O
nahco3: DKFLDSJFLKD
MOU
MY FACE IS LIKE ALVARO'S
acchikocchi: mou: and if you want a new assistant may i suggest you look for one who can type.
was there something else you wanted?
alvaro: ....no
no
i think
i'll just
go now
(please, as if mou's personal background checks wouldn't turn up something like this
he doesn't trust HR, with good reason
and he has Connections.)
nahco3: OH OF COURSE HE DOES
acchikocchi: so alvaro leaves, kind of numbly
BECAUSE HIS MIND IS REALLY BLANK RIGHT NOW
and finds himself walking to the university admin offices
without really realizing it
acchikocchi: on autopilot
gets there and sees raul through the glass and has a really embarrassing reaction, emotionally speaking.
goes in
raul: alvaro!
hi!
Grace: akdsfjlsdkfjlkdfjldkfgjlkjLKSDJFLKSDJFLSKDGS
GRAB HIM AND KISS HIM
acchikocchi: D:
wait
sorry
i wanted to let you know? but it was really sudden and you weren't answering your phone?
[he turned it off when he realized he was checking it all. the. time.]
alvaro: blankly you don't work for me anymore.
raul: ....no, but
it was a really good offer
and we can still be friends, right?
alvaro: dawning comprehension you don't work for me anymore.
raul: you just said - mmmmf?
nahco3: MAKE OUT MAKE OUT MAKE OUT
acchikocchi: they do.
that was the sound of alvaro snapping at last XD
and like, it's a good thing there's not really anyone around
because raul doesn't have his own office
and climbing into someone's lap in the middle of the main office is not the best idea ever
so only moderate making out
and then raul, who remembers was sort of attacked out of nowhere here, is like (all out of breath, of course), ....alvaro?
and alvaro is like, you're coming home with me
no questions
raul: still semi-dazed okay.
so (eventually) he does
and they have sex
a lot of it
and raul is like, you know
we could have just done this the first time i came to your place
your way is kind of complicated.
alvaro: oh shut up.
hits him with a pillow
and they lived happily ever after with mutual feelings
except for the time david villa figured out raul and DS were friends
work friends
and that he was suffering away in this tragic fucking soap opera here while SOME PEOPLE
HIRED THEIR FUCKING HOOKERS TO WORK FOR THEM
IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING DEPARTMENT
but that
as they say
is a story for another time
in summary:
acchikocchi: how the hell did i end up telling a story about raul albiol as a hooker, anyway
nahco3: um
I made up
acchikocchi: i think this is your fault.
nahco3: a badfic summary?
AND YOU TOOK ME UP ON IT
so not my fault here
acchikocchi: i'd like to blame you anyway
are you sure it's not
it would just be convenient.
nahco3: I am DV
ok, I called the hooker
but you are Alvaro
WHO INVITED HIM IN
and PLAYED VIDEOGAMES WITH HIM