late night au theater, part 3245489
I have a million things I need to post about, so obviously instead of doing that I am going to post this rambling and frankly insane BRILLIANT full cast AU outline, courtesy of a chat with nahco3, because it needs to be saved for posterity. I really have no explanation for this. I will just say that the highlight is probably the part where Barca is staffing the New Yorker and leave it at that. edited to add: ALSO IT'S VERY LONG. don't say I didn't warn you.
Edited to cut down on keysmashing, capslock agreement with every line, etc., though some of that is left in for atmosphere. XD
Pairings: in order, Stevie/Xabi, Ramos/Torres, DV/DS, Bojan-->Pep, Pep/Mou, CRon/Leo, Xavi/Iniesta. I think that's all of them. Plus a supporting cast of thousands.
Okay, so. This is all started so innocuously, with this picture...
acchikocchi: he looks so puzzled.
acchikocchi: (which is admittedly par for the course, but.)
nahco3: maybe he was trying to impress
nahco3: f torres
nahco3: the hot caddy
acchikocchi: i think impressing f.torres the hot caddy is the only reason he would be golfing
acchikocchi: backwards baseball cap and all.
acchikocchi: okay come to think of it
acchikocchi: recently xabi was tweeting something about golfing
acchikocchi: so clearly this is one of those complicated stevie/xabi sergio/fernando AUs
acchikocchi: you know the type i mean
nahco3: I DO
nahco3: someone should be
nahco3: a tiger woods figure
nahco3: Stevie
nahco3: until he finds TRUE LOVE
nahco3: who could be
nahco3: oh wait
nahco3: HIS THERAPIST
nahco3: xabi
nahco3: that is
acchikocchi: sadfjsdfklsjdfkl;sdfjdslfds
acchikocchi: perfect
acchikocchi: okay what is sergio ramos doing in this scenario
nahco3: um ok
nahco3: f torres is stevie's caddy
nahco3: Xabi is the therapist
nahco3: SERGIO
nahco3: IS A REPORTER
nahco3: FROM
nahco3: A GOSSIP MAGAZINE
acchikocchi: oh my god
acchikocchi: please tell me
acchikocchi: he is pretending to golf in that picture
acchikocchi: to spy on stevie
nahco3: YES YES YES YES
nahco3: OF COURSE HE IS
acchikocchi: sdfjsakf;jslf that explains so much
nahco3: AND THEN
nahco3: HE SLEEP WITH TORRES
nahco3: who thinks
nahco3: that he only did it
nahco3: to get the scoop
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
nahco3: except he really didn't
acchikocchi: and obviously "caddy" is the term stevie uses to explain why a string of attractive young men accompany him around the globe
acchikocchi: oh yes
acchikocchi: fernando
acchikocchi: he's my new
acchikocchi: ....caddy.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
nahco3: ok so
nahco3: to recap:
nahco3: Xabi, Stevie's therapist for his sex addiction
acchikocchi: *chokes*
nahco3: who stevie tries to impress
nahco3: with how manly he is
nahco3: Xabi is unimpressed
nahco3: F Torres is a caddy/lover
acchikocchi: he can be an aspiring... something... as well. i don't know what, but something that explains why he's okay with being a short term kept man (/caddy).
nahco3: yes
nahco3: he can want to go pro
acchikocchi: (other than steven gerrard's blinding good looks or whatever, since i reject that premise.)
nahco3: exactly XD
nahco3: ok so Sergio is the reporter
nahco3: trying to get a scoop
acchikocchi: stevie obviously had some kind of high-profile meltdown
acchikocchi: a la tiger
acchikocchi: which is why he has to be in therapy
acchikocchi: and why gossip reporters are stalking him
nahco3: and now he's on a losing streak
nahco3: a la tiger/liverpool
nahco3: anyway, sergio sleeps with f torres
nahco3: WITHOUT KNOWING
nahco3: who he is
nahco3: and then later realizes
nahco3: and by then torres thinks
nahco3: sergio is just using him
nahco3: but he's really not
nahco3: etc etc
nahco3: I am not sure how this situation would resolve
nahco3: /
nahco3: how to incorporate dv/ds
nahco3: lol
acchikocchi: and sergio has to decide whether to expose the story or not for f.torres' sake
acchikocchi: aahahahahaa
acchikocchi: your priorities, i like them.
nahco3: well, i try
acchikocchi: i'm thinking about that right now
nahco3: good
acchikocchi: i mean DS is in the EPL now so he should be connected to them... somehow...
acchikocchi: i'm thinking DV is maybe a sports reporter so that a. he looks down on sergio XD and b. he can write scathing articles about torres once torres goes pro
nahco3: ahaha
nahco3: OF COURSE HE WOULD
nahco3: DV is the best disgruntled reporter of all time
acchikocchi: what about DS though
acchikocchi: oh i think i know
acchikocchi: he is a popular sports blogger
acchikocchi: so we can have traditional media vs new media
nahco3: skjflkdjsflkdjflkdsjf
acchikocchi: because DV would find bloggers really annoying
nahco3: YES
nahco3: BECAUSE HE WRITES FEATURES
acchikocchi: he would have a twitter account for like
acchikocchi: an hour
acchikocchi: before his editor made him delete it
nahco3: and hate it
nahco3: can he write for like
nahco3: the new yorker?
acchikocchi: omg yes of course
nahco3: so he is just a huge snob
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: and he has heard of DS' blog of course
acchikocchi: because people keep asking him about it
acchikocchi: "he asks such incisive questions!"
acchikocchi: whatever
acchikocchi: it's easy to ask ~incisive questions~
acchikocchi: not so easy to answer them
acchikocchi: but bloggers have no accountability
acchikocchi: so no one notices! or cares!
acchikocchi: that they don't do this.
acchikocchi: EXCEPT HIM.
nahco3: AHHAH YES
acchikocchi: david villa, standard bearer of journalistic integrity.
nahco3: he really is
nahco3: the lone force
nahco3: in a cruel world
nahco3: his editor can be pep
nahco3: please.
acchikocchi: um yes
acchikocchi: of course
nahco3: can barca be the new yorker
nahco3: THEY THINK THEY SHIT GOLD
acchikocchi: pep as editor of - YES EXACTLY
nahco3: and DS is a bit contemptuous
acchikocchi: of the pretensions of the establishment
acchikocchi and like
acchikocchi: he and his fellow sports bloggers juan mata and cesc do a podcast
nahco3: AHHA YES
nahco3: I WOULD WATCH THAT
acchikocchi: SAME, OBVIOUSLY
nahco3: oh I love them
nahco3: they would be great non-traditional media
acchikocchi: i am trying to decide if DS has a day job or not
acchikocchi: maybe part time
acchikocchi: since obviously you need a lot of time to be plugged into all things sports
acchikocchi: but also i want this to be a labor of love that necessitates caffeine and not sleeping
nahco3: yes of course
nahco3: and like, he wears sexy threadbare sweatpants
nahco3: and a worn through t-shirt
nahco3: and somehow, DV ends up seeing this
acchikocchi: exaaaactly
nahco3: and like
nahco3: needs to go jerk off
nahco3: right away
nahco3: but he feels dirty about it
nahco3: obviously.
acchikocchi: obviously
acchikocchi: i'm trying to decide how they meet
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: i kind of like the idea of DV meeting him and not knowing who he is online
acchikocchi: at least at first
nahco3: yes of course
nahco3: hmm
nahco3: they could meet in st andrews
nahco3: for the golf thing
nahco3: and DS is using his vacation to go there
acchikocchi: ahahaha
nahco3: and they meet at the pub or something
nahco3: and then later
nahco3: DV googles him
nahco3: BECAUSE HE SO WOULD
acchikocchi: OF COURSE HE WOULD
acchikocchi: and is horrified
nahco3: A LITTLE BIT
nahco3: yes
nahco3: meanwhile
nahco3: DS knew who he was the whole time
nahco3: and was star struck and hiding it
acchikocchi: but then DV shares his true feelings on blogging vs journalism and DS is like, WHAT A DOUCHE.
acchikocchi: even if he is hot
acchikocchi: and an amazing writer
acchikocchi: god damn it.
nahco3: and good in bed
nahco3: and funny.
nahco3: mostly intentionally, even.
acchikocchi: ahahahahaha
nahco3: and then DV has to win him back!
acchikocchi: obviously at some point DV has to actually read his blog and be impressed/grudgingly admit he was wrong
nahco3: and leaves
nahco3: A REALLY LONG COMMENT
nahco3: WITH PROPER PUNCTUATION
acchikocchi: OH MY GOD
acchikocchi: YES
acchikocchi: a thousand times yes
nahco3: and the backdrop of all this
nahco3: is the stevie thing
nahco3: and DV and DS can bond
nahco3: over how dumb it is
nahco3: and tawdry
acchikocchi: DS has a long well-crafted post about that, of course
acchikocchi: about celebrity culture and reality television and sports
acchikocchi: and manufactured closeness.
acchikocchi: and possibly homophobia
nahco3: and DV writes like
nahco3: some sickeningly long thing
nahco3: about like
nahco3: the history of scandal in golf
nahco3: dating back to 1611
nahco3: meanwhile Sergio
nahco3: writes one headline
nahco3: IN MORE THAN ONE HOLE
acchikocchi: *SHRIEKS*
acchikocchi: oh my god
nahco3: + picture of Stevie and caddies
acchikocchi: ohhhhh my god
acchikocchi: i am laughing so hard
acchikocchi: that is brilliant
acchikocchi: okay so
acchikocchi: DS has a (part-time?) job doing... something. maybe or maybe not something vaguely sports(/media) related
acchikocchi: but obviously the blog is his real purpose in life
acchikocchi: and his parents are like
acchikocchi: David
acchikocchi: please take a vacation
acchikocchi: please
acchikocchi: we will even chip in for part of it if you will just leave that blog alone
acchikocchi: so he's like
acchikocchi: oh, um. scotland sounds nice. and obviously that is not in any ways sports related
acchikocchi: because the location of the champions' league final might be a little suspicious
acchikocchi: but he's counting on his parents not knowing anything about golf.
acchikocchi: and something is better than nothing.
nahco3: (also can we please have a "I want grandkids" subplot?)
nahco3: with DS's mom
acchikocchi: uh yes
acchikocchi: of course
nahco3: FOR SOME ANGST ON THE SIDE
nahco3: ...I mean.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
nahco3: um.
acchikocchi: ahahahahaha
acchikocchi: well we can't have this be too fluffy after all
acchikocchi: it would be OOC for us.
nahco3: obviously not.
nahco3: anyway. go on.
acchikocchi: right.
acchikocchi: so he goes there and meets DV, everything you said, up to the whole "oh my god he's one of those internet people destroying the hallowed world i live in"/"oh my god he's a TOTAL JERK"
acchikocchi: and then st andrews is over and they go back home
acchikocchi: and that's that except
acchikocchi: -- okay tangent: DS and his sports blogging friends: cesc is a college student with a lot of free time and juan mata is, like, a grad student in literature or something. writing his thesis on murakami.
acchikocchi: and he and juan hang out sometimes because they live in the same city
acchikocchi: and get to be actual friends
acchikocchi: and juan is like, david, you should meet this friend of mine, i think you'd like him. a lot.
nahco3: do I see where this is going....
acchikocchi: and you guys are equally obsessed with every aspect of sports, so if nothing else you'd have something to talk about if this blind date -- i mean completely friendly meeting -- goes horribly wrong.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
acchikocchi: look if you have an internet aliases subplot
acchikocchi: you have to have awkward reveals like this.
nahco3: YES OF COURSE.
acchikocchi: and then they just spend the entire time arguing about the role of the internet and social media
nahco3: while eye fucking
acchikocchi: and possibly trying to one up each other with statistics
acchikocchi: um yes
acchikocchi: obviously
nahco3: I mean, this cannot get too cerebral
nahco3: and then the date ends and they are still like WHAT A DICK/UGH I HATE HIM
nahco3: except they have sex again
acchikocchi: RIGHT
acchikocchi: EXACTLY
nahco3: and it is like
nahco3: really spectacular sex
nahco3: obviously.
nahco3: and then they end up like
nahco3: hooking up
nahco3: BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING
acchikocchi: OF COURSE NOT
nahco3: THEY STILL HATE EACH OTHER A LOT
nahco3: though Mata is unconvinced of this.
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: after the first "date"
acchikocchi: they get on skype for podcast recording and mata is like, so how did it go
acchikocchi: DS: (long rant about pretentious journalist assholes blah blah the ~new yorker~)
acchikocchi: cesc: .....omg
acchikocchi: omg did you go on a date with someone from the new yorker
acchikocchi: OMG ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS AN INTERNSHIP THERE
acchikocchi: MATA
nahco3: CESC ILU
acchikocchi: YOU KNOW THIS GUY
acchikocchi: CAN YOU HOOK ME UP
acchikocchi: please please please please please
nahco3: DS: why would you ever want to work there with him.
nahco3: Mata: so you guys fucked.
nahco3: DS: ....so podcast!
nahco3: DS: I was thinking we lead with the FIFA presidency elections.
nahco3: Mata: yes, you really really did.
acchikocchi: (meanwhile cesc's blog is like, dirty tackle or something. it's not as deep but it's hilarious and he updates it incessantly.)
nahco3: (since cesc is like, half failing school)
nahco3: (since all he does is drink beer and watch sports)
acchikocchi: cesc is a freakish statistical repository
acchikocchi: he can give you any number on anything
nahco3: math major?
acchikocchi: possibly so
nahco3: or econ
nahco3: since he is unmotivated
acchikocchi: HAHA, exactly
nahco3: ANYWAY.
nahco3: obviously Mata is too lazy to get them to admit their true feelings for one another
nahco3: like, he wishes they would stop whining to him so much
nahco3: but he really needs to work on his thesis
acchikocchi: he's busy with his - yes
nahco3: and write this post about the MLS draft
nahco3: etc etc
acchikocchi: mata is run of play, essentially
nahco3: yes.
nahco3: so DS and DV have to work out their own issues
nahco3: which is a disaster
acchikocchi always
nahco3: until.
nahco3: somehow, I need Sergio
nahco3: to teach DV
nahco3: a lesson about love.
acchikocchi: oh god
acchikocchi: ahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA
nahco3: if anyone could, it would be sergio
nahco3: in the press room at whatever
nahco3: the Masters
nahco3: and DV is bitter and angry that he has to do this shit, but he's writing an article about 3rd wave feminism and Michelle Wie
nahco3: and her trying to break into the PGA tour or something
nahco3: and Sergio is still mooning after Fernando
nahco3: and eagerly covering Stevie's fucked up life
nahco3: and somehow ends up instilling DV
nahco3: with the realization that
nahco3: he loves DS
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: i like this
nahco3: see how I am intersecting plot lines
nahco3: what craftsmanship
acchikocchi: i'm very impressed
acchikocchi: since i am obviously happy to forget about the rest once we get to the dv/ds plotline
acchikocchi: "oh right... and then, um. golf."
acchikocchi: though i really look forward to DV's article once f.torres goes pro
acchikocchi: and gains, like, a fangirl following
acchikocchi: IN GOLF
acchikocchi: based on his boyband looks
acchikocchi: and this is sort of tacitly encouraged and promoted by the pga (is that the right institution?)
acchikocchi: because bringing in a young audience, etc.
acchikocchi: even though he has not won a tournament or anything yet
acchikocchi: and DV obviously has a problem with this
acchikocchi: A BIG PROBLEM
nahco3: GOLF GOES BACK TO THE TIME OF SHAKESPEARE
nahco3: WHAT IS THIS BOYBAND SHIT
acchikocchi: one of the remaining sports not entirely about image
acchikocchi: despite the increasing celebritization with the whole steven gerrard thing
acchikocchi: STILL
acchikocchi: TEENYBOPPER FANGIRLS. IT IS WRONG.
acchikocchi: and like
acchikocchi: his descriptions of f.torres aren't mean
acchikocchi: but condescending
acchikocchi: "torres is a quiet, inoffensive young man, with an adequate swing and boy-next-door good looks."
nahco3: "His look of perpetual confusion is at odds with his reputation as a competent golfer."
nahco3: "Still known best for his former affiliation with Steven Gerrard, Torres has yet to win a professional tournament."
nahco3: and DS
nahco3: writes a post
nahco3: defending him
nahco3: (playing devil's advocate of course)
nahco3: and DV is like
nahco3: OH GOD WHAT IF HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.
acchikocchi: *DIES*
acchikocchi: oh DV ilu
nahco3: obvious first conclusion.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE, WHO WOULDN'T THINK THAT
acchikocchi: other than everyone who is not DV
nahco3: exactly.
nahco3: so then he calls DS
nahco3: but instead of a mature conversation
nahco3: they have an argument and then phone sex
acchikocchi: ha! mature conversation. that is funny.
nahco3: WHICH LEAVES DV NOWHERE
acchikocchi: ....yes
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: i approve very much
nahco3: so then DV like.
nahco3: idk.
nahco3: DS moves or something
nahco3: and DV TRACKS HIM DOWN.
nahco3: and GOES TO HIS HOUSE
nahco3: to argue with him about how much Torres sucks
nahco3: and DS is like
nahco3: "what is even going on."
acchikocchi: okay
acchikocchi: this is where we can have the part where DV is wearing the threadbare sweatpants and worn t-shirt
acchikocchi: also maybe reading glasses because... i like them. basically.
nahco3: yes, and DS kicks him out of the house
nahco3: and DV goes to his hotel and jerks off
nahco3: and then gets drunk!
nahco3: and calls DS
nahco3: and finally tells him the truth about what is up
acchikocchi: drunken phone confessions = yes
acchikocchi: partly because DS can be like, i only understand half of what he's saying, is it what i think he's saying
acchikocchi: also he sounds really drunk so i don't know how much i should believe this
acchikocchi: (but obviously deep down inside is like um i kind of want this to be true.)
nahco3: (OBVIOUSLY)
nahco3: (since he has been in love like the whole time)
nahco3: (DUH)
acchikocchi: bonus points for DV starting out using complicated metaphors
acchikocchi: and sports references
acchikocchi: and DS being like "....i literally have no idea what you're talking about"
acchikocchi: before DV is just like, fuck it, time to just say it.
nahco3: "David I just."
nahco3: "I love you ok and so you can't be in love with him because he's such a dick and I know I'm a dick too but I don't mean to be. it's just like sometimes I don't know how else to be."
nahco3: "please say something."
acchikocchi: and DS is like
acchikocchi: "Did you just say...."
acchikocchi: "David, how drunk are you?"
nahco3: sdjflsdjkf
acchikocchi: i'm trying to decide how much he reacts outwardly
acchikocchi: it's difficult.
acchikocchi: meanwhile DV is like "NOT THAT MUCH. i mean. it has nothing to do with that. except i'm too much of a fucking coward otherwise. i mean. shit."
acchikocchi: and then somehow they get cut off in the midle
acchikocchi: probably DV's fault
acchikocchi: so that DS can very quietly flip out.
acchikocchi: and possibly try calling DV back -- to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or something, of course, since obviously he was not sober at all -- but the line is busy
acchikocchi: like all night
nahco3: dkfjlkdjflkdjfldsfesrer
nahco3: dksfjlkdjglkdfjgoerituoweijflkd
nahco3: KSHFLEHFOIWEHIL
acchikocchi:because of whatever DV did to his phone XD
nahco3: and then DV is going to leave town
nahco3: because he is TOO EMBARRASSED
nahco3: but DS calls all the hotels
nahco3: and tracks him down
nahco3: and stands outside his door
nahco3: and forces him
nahco3: HUNGOVER DV
nahco3: to have a real conversation about feelings
nahco3: aka basically tortures him
acchikocchi: "David, I know you're in there"
acchikocchi: "you might as well just open the door"
acchikocchi: "because I'm not going to leave until you do."
acchikocchi: also DV obviously doesn't remember exactly what he said
acchikocchi: though he's got the general idea
acchikocchi: but more importantly
acchikocchi: he doesn't remember what DS said
acchikocchi: like at all
acchikocchi: he just has a general bad feeling about it
acchikocchi: so assumes he was kind of shot down
nahco3: is just terrified
nahco3: gut churning
nahco3: HEART PREPARED TO BE BROKEN
nahco3: answers the door
nahco3: DS has coffee
nahco3: and they sit down on his bed and DV is just like
nahco3: I cannot handle this
acchikocchi: sdkalfjdl; aw
nahco3: and freaks out
nahco3: and DS is like.
nahco3: it's ok, David, we just need to talk about last night.
nahco3: you do remember, right?
nahco3: and DV is like YES OF COURSE I DO
nahco3: ....what did I say exactly.
nahco3: and DS is like, well, you told me you loved me, is that true?
nahco3: and DV gives a hungover nod.
nahco3: and DS is like. ok then.
nahco3: and kind of breathes for a second.
nahco3: and DV is like OH GOD NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
acchikocchi: won't meet his eyes
nahco3: the whole converstation
nahco3: keeps wanting to turn on sports center
nahco3: and then DS is just like
nahco3: "David. you know I. that I."
nahco3: "Iloveyoutoo"
acchikocchi: DV is so convinced of what DS is going to say that it doesn't really sink in at first
acchikocchi: and then he's like "......what"
acchikocchi: can you
acchikocchi: say that again
nahco3: please.
nahco3: and DS now gets this little smile
nahco3: and is like, oh was your tape recorder not working?
nahco3: maybe you should take better notes
acchikocchi: (and possibly also kind of blushing despite his best intentions)
acchikocchi: omg
acchikocchi: sfjadkkjsf;jaksf;ja;fj;fjkfjksfjlfjljflsjaflsd
acchikocchi: PERFECT LINES DS ILU.
nahco3: and DV is like, excuse me, at least I'm not live-tweeting this.
acchikocchi: sdassdfjlsfjsdls
nahco3: and then DS blushes some more and says
nahco3: "I love you."
nahco3: AND THEN THEY HAVE A LOT OF SEX
acchikocchi: of COURSE.
acchikocchi: and DS possibly makes some cryptically happy statements on twitter/his blog that he has to delete later.
acchikocchi: but mata picks up on it anyway and is like, see, i was right all along. ha.
acchikocchi: cesc: so you're dating the guy from the new yorker now? omg, come on, daviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid. we're friends, aren't we.
nahco3: pleeeaaase can I get a job there.
nahco3: DS: no.
acchikocchi:do you really want to be constrained by the boundaries of traditional journalism, cesc
acchikocchi: when you have such success already
acchikocchi: you don't need them
acchikocchi: cesc: BUT IT'S THE NEW YORKER. *starry eyes*
acchikocchi: i have new yorker dna. i just know it.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOL
nahco3: DS: ...I don't really think you're pretentious enough
nahco3: Cesc: I CAN LEARN.
acchikocchi: HE REALLY ISN'T. XD
acchikocchi: aj;fdsfkj;sdjfkdsfjdf
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA
acchikocchi: oh cesc!
nahco3: he buys hipster glasses
nahco3: he takes a class on literary theory
nahco3: Juan Mata rolls his eyes a lot
nahco3: basically, that is his point in this fic
nahco3: we can also have like
nahco3: some sort of the Atlantic/the New Yorker showdown
nahco3: or maybe
nahco3: the Economist
nahco3: would be better
nahco3: for Real.
nahco3: XD
acchikocchi: excuse i'm just going to pause to think about jose mourinho, magazine editor, for a minute
nahco3: one sec, quote from wikipedia
nahco3: about the economist
nahco3: The Economist claims it "is not a chronicle of economics."[5] Rather, it aims "to take part in a severe contest between intelligence, which presses forward, and an unworthy, timid ignorance obstructing our progress."[6]
nahco3: IF THAT IS NOT JOSE
nahco3: I DONT KNOW WHO JOSE IS
acchikocchi: oh my godddddd
acchikocchi: AMAZING
nahco3: I AM SO PROUD OF THIS ANALOGY RIGHT NOW
acchikocchi: an unworthy, timid ignorance
acchikocchi: obstructing our progress
acchikocchi: "which, if i were going to name names, would be named the new yorker. but i do not name names because that is not what publishing is about."
acchikocchi: or words to that effect
nahco3: YES OF COURSE
nahco3: we do not have an insular focus
nahco3: rather, our aim is to move the WORLD forward.
acchikocchi: sfjka;fsf jose
acchikocchi: is the best
nahco3: he really really is
acchikocchi: back to cesc for a minute
acchikocchi: somehow he does end up with an internship because of family connections or something
acchikocchi: or a professor that pulls strings for him, idk.
acchikocchi: but it's as, like, general minion
acchikocchi: pencil sharpener, coffee fetcher, wikipedia checker
acchikocchi: BUT
acchikocchi: everyone loves him
acchikocchi: DS and mata are totally mystified
nahco3: "maybe he does have New Yorker DNA."
nahco3: "you appear to fundamentally misunderstand the concept of DNA."
nahco3: "shut up, Mata."
nahco3: "you shut up."
acchikocchi: and maybe at the end of the summer cesc decides that it's probably not the best fit after all
nahco3: MAYBE BECAUSE
nahco3: Pep
nahco3: his idol
nahco3: is having a SUPER SKETCHY THING
nahco3: WITH FELLOW INTERN
nahco3: AND COPY MAKER
acchikocchi: *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES*
nahco3: Bojan.
acchikocchi: oh god
nahco3: and everyone is sketched out
nahco3: but can't say anything
acchikocchi: or at the very least that is what it looks like because of bojan's really obvious crush and pep lets people think that to cover up his sketchy thing with THEIR RIVAL
acchikocchi: jose mourinho.
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: YES
nahco3: like.
nahco3: who gets to top
nahco3: is determined by
nahco3: who's circulation is bigger
acchikocchi: *snort*
nahco3: and Pep is like, SO ASHAMED.
acchikocchi: it's on and off since the economist/jose is headquartered in london
acchikocchi: but
acchikocchi: there is a lot of transatlantic travel on both their parts obviously
acchikocchi: conferences and things
acchikocchi: well, more for jose than pep, since the new yorker has such an insular focus cough
acchikocchi: he sweeps into new york, has a torrid weekend of terrorizing the new york correspondents of the economist/sex with pep and sweeps back out again
nahco3: leaving Pep confused.
nahco3: and bruised. XD
acchikocchi with his head spinning
nahco3: and then like
nahco3: Jose publishes this huge thing
nahco3: about Abramovich
nahco3: and what a bad dude he is
nahco3: and then like, gets threats?
acchikocchi omg yes
nahco3: and Pep assigns someone to write about it, since obviously, it's a story
nahco3: but meanwhile he's like
nahco3: I want to protect him. he should come to america and LIVE WITH ME
nahco3: but since someone is writing a story on it
nahco3: it would be SO UNETHICAL
nahco3: and what do you do?
nahco3: PM like, save your boyfriend?
nahco3: or LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING?
nahco3: and what if Jose doens't even want to be saved?
nahco3: etc etc
nahco3: then Jose should get non-fatally shot
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA
nahco3: and Pep LEAVES NYC
nahco3: GOES TO LONDON
acchikocchi: RETURNING TO A BELOVED THEME XD
nahco3: SITS IN A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
nahco3: POSSIBLY CRIES
nahco3: and of course, Jose is like
nahco3: whatever.
nahco3: if they try to kill you
nahco3: you are doing something right.
acchikocchi: you're doing it right
acchikocchi: yup
nahco3: yup.
nahco3: XD
acchikocchi: okay so they don't get to have a big emotional moment because when pep sees that jose is okay/is going to be okay, he goes back to new york
acchikocchi: since he is suddenly like, omg, what am i doing, he can't see me here
acchikocchi: but
acchikocchi: publishes this long editorial on freedom of the press and commitment to getting the truth out there in the face of personal harm
acchikocchi: and basically how awesome jose is
nahco3: YES
nahco3: and like
nahco3: maybe he even co-writes it
nahco3: and it has parts like
nahco3: "dynamic and silver-haired"
nahco3: and like
nahco3: talks about his laugh lines and shit
nahco3: and his fearless laugh
nahco3: BASICALLY IT NEEDS TO BE OVER THE TOP WITH REPRESSED LOVE
acchikocchi: so jose reads this and immediately flies to new york and THEN they can have a big emotional moment, followed by lots of torrid sex.
nahco3: ...including like
nahco3: bandage removal
nahco3: /Pep making sure Jose is all in one piece
nahco3: um because you cannot have anything
nahco3: without MASSIVE HURT COMFORT
acchikocchi: OBVIOUSLY NOT
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: jose shows up in the new yorker offices
acchikocchi: basically just walks right despite protesting security people
acchikocchi: black trenchcoat and all
acchikocchi: and pep's leaning over his desk working on something in his office and looks up and sees jose in the door and his eyes get really big
acchikocchi: and i can't decide if jose a. gives him a really long inappropriate kiss in front of the office, b. goes into the office and closes the door, or c. is just like "come with me" and pep does
acchikocchi: but regardless
acchikocchi: the rest of the office is just like
acchikocchi: O_____O
nahco3: UM I LIKE C THE BEST
nahco3: SINCE I LIKE PEP GETTING BOSSED AROUND
nahco3: maybe he grabs his wrist
nahco3: and is like
nahco3: "now."
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: okay
acchikocchi: c it is
acchikocchi: for a minute after they leave it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop
acchikocchi: then everyone looks at bojan XD
nahco3: and his face is just A MASK OF PAIN
nahco3: but Pep is like
nahco3: lost in Mou's eyes
nahco3: completely.
acchikocchi: poor bojan
acchikocchi big eyes, wobbling lip
nahco3: and then they just
nahco3: walk to the elevator
nahco3: and the second the door closes
nahco3: everyone is like
nahco3: WHAT IS GOING ON
nahco3: and they try to like, break into Pep's office
nahco3: and everyone is talking really fast
nahco3: and trying to piece it all together
nahco3: like the good reporters they are
acchikocchi: hee
acchikocchi: yes
nahco3: like
nahco3: that explains the trips to London!
acchikocchi and xavi looks HURT AND BETRAYED
nahco3: YES OF COURSE HE DOES
nahco3: and Cesc is like
nahco3: they better not be having sex in the elevator
nahco3: I use that every day
nahco3: and everyone else is HORRIFIED
nahco3: BY THIS NEW THOUGHT
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA YES
nahco3: but really
nahco3: the just made out a little bit
nahco3: since Jose is too classy
nahco3: for elevator sex
nahco3: unless he is trying to make a point
nahco3: in which case, all bets are off
nahco3: and we haven't even touched on
nahco3: more forbidden journalist love
nahco3: aka.
nahco3: CRon/Leo
acchikocchi: AHAHA
nahco3: TO MAKE AN AU COMPLETE
acchikocchi: does that mean CRon works for the economist
acchikocchi: because my head
acchikocchi: might explode
acchikocchi: trying to envision that
nahco3: um.
nahco3: he has hidden depths?
nahco3: either that
nahco3: or he's a secretary
nahco3: I mean um
acchikocchi: maybe he isn't a reporter? like, he works for them, but he's in charge of advertising or something
acchikocchi: or he's just mou's executive assistant
nahco3: YES
nahco3: ok
nahco3: Leo meets him
nahco3: "investigating"
nahco3: Mou and Pep
acchikocchi: omg yes
nahco3: since obvs the New Yorker staff
nahco3: draws straws to see who will do it
nahco3: and Leo loses
nahco3: and they have lunch or something
nahco3: and CRon sees right through Leo, obviously
nahco3: who is terrible at deceiving people
nahco3: and flirts OUTRAGEOUSLY
nahco3: and Leo blushes a lot
nahco3: and then they have a follow up interview
nahco3: which is a second date to cron
nahco3: but leo
nahco3: doesn't think
nahco3: they are dating
nahco3: and so it goes
acchikocchi: perfect
nahco3: Cris sends flowers
nahco3: and Leo is like
nahco3: A GESTURE OF FRIENDSHIP
nahco3: HOW SWEET
nahco3: if only he knew
nahco3: how much I loved him...
acchikocchi: awwww, leo
nahco3: and no one at the office helps him out
nahco3: since they all disapprove
nahco3: since Leo is a towering intellectual titan
nahco3: and they all think CRon is just some ditz
acchikocchi: little do they know he might not be a writer but is still unexpectedly sharp
acchikocchi: in many ways
acchikocchi: like
nahco3 he's working to put himself through school
acchikocchi: he's the only one to figure out that xavi, for all his disapproval
acchikocchi: is sleeping with the book reviewer
acchikocchi: namely
acchikocchi: andres iniesta
nahco3: YES YES YES YES
nahco3: who is like
nahco3: super shy
nahco3: and emo
nahco3: so I can get
nahco3: all my emotional kinks
nahco3: in one
acchikocchi: and literally NO ONE ELSE KNEW
nahco3: and CRon like
acchikocchi: xavi thought he was so stealthy
nahco3: gives relationship advice
nahco3: in emails to him
nahco3: or something.
acchikocchi: he is paranoid CRon will tell other people
nahco3: Xavi: how did he get my personal email?
acchikocchi: which he obviously doesn't want to happen because
acchikocchi: it will scare andres away
acchikocchi: seeing as how he is all shy and emo
acchikocchi: (how DID he get xavi's personal email?)
nahco3: (um, don't underestimate him.)
nahco3: (he works with the web design people a lot)
nahco3: (and one of them)
nahco3: (really likes him)
nahco3: (so he helps out CRon with whatever he needs)
nahco3: (this polite brazilian guy)
nahco3: (you may have heard of)
acchikocchi: asdf;ksafjksfld;fjladjflslsdf
acchikocchi: brilliant
nahco3: thank you
nahco3: XD
nahco3: but yes, Xavi
nahco3: so he follows CRon's advice
nahco3: and like, is very kind and supportive
nahco3: and lures Andres in
nahco3: and in exchange, CRon makes him
nahco3: like.
nahco3: help him win over Leo
nahco3: /make Leo realize what is going on
acchikocchi: which is hilarious because xavi is so grudging about it
acchikocchi: he doesn't want to be doing it
acchikocchi: but
nahco3: worst. cupid. ever.
acchikocchi: HE IS AN HONORABLE PERSON
acchikocchi: and andres, like, thinks he's trying to help leo because he's a good friend, in spite of his personal thoughts on the matter. and thinks it's really nice.
acchikocchi: so it's not like xavi doesn't get anything out of this
nahco3: and Andres like, thinks Xavi is the best friend ever to Leo
nahco3: and wishes he had a friend like that
nahco3: MEANWHILE
nahco3: Xavi is like
nahco3: obviously
nahco3: seducing him SUPER SUBTLY
nahco3: thanks to CRon's moves
acchikocchi: okay like
acchikocchi: the beginning of this was that xavi and andres had a one-night stand or something, like, drunkenly, after the office holiday party
acchikocchi: something like that
acchikocchi: and never said a word about it because obviously
acchikocchi: andres is andres
acchikocchi: and xavi couldn't figure out how to navigate complex social situations like letting the person you just accidentally slept with know you'd like to do it again on a regular basis, along with dates and things, because you really kind of like them
acchikocchi: and has been afraid to proceed because of the whole not wanting to scare him off
acchikocchi: and that is where the, omg, how did you know, ronaldo, if you breathe one word to anyone else in the office EVEN LEO --
acchikocchi: thing comes from
acchikocchi: because he knows if their coworkers found out andres would never say a word to him again
acchikocchi: and he likes their quiet lunches and stuff
nahco3: oh my god yes
nahco3: and like
nahco3: the few times
nahco3: when Andres gets really excited
nahco3: about some short film
nahco3: and says almost ten words at once
nahco3: and Xavi is like I AM GOING TO GO WATCH THIS NOW
nahco3: and then he does, but Pep catches him
nahco3: and tells him off for not working at work
nahco3: and then Andres is like
nahco3: ALL MY FAULT
nahco3: I shouldn't have told him it was so good
nahco3: it's not that great anyway.
nahco3: I'm so sorry.
nahco3: I'm going to go watch a 4 hour documentary on the Gaza strip
nahco3: and not talk to anyone.
nahco3: and Xavi emails CRon being like
nahco3: WHAT DO I DO?
acchikocchi: yes EXACTLY giggling aloud here
nahco3: but more resentfully than that
nahco3: and CRon is like
nahco3: this is going to cost you
nahco3: what is Leo's favorite band?
acchikocchi: oh god i love CRon
nahco3 Xavi grudgingly complies
nahco3: and CRon tells him like, casually mention the film in a few days and here are a couple of others by the same direction
nahco3: that he might have seen
nahco3: and let him apologize to you
nahco3: since it will make him feel better, don't brush him off
acchikocchi: i would say that xavi is definitely getting the best out of this deal
acchikocchi: except for the pleasure that CRon obviously takes in extorting this information from him
nahco3: and then, come on
nahco3: CRon buys Leo a backstage pass
nahco3: to the concert
nahco3: since Mou is in town or whatever
nahco3: CONVENIENTLY FOR ME
nahco3: and it is an amazing date.
acchikocchi: no, i was just thinking, i like the long-distance aspect of this, with the occasional visits. it makes it interesting.
acchikocchi: also Leo would be like, Cristiano has such an exciting life, jetsetting all over the globe
nahco3: YES
acchikocchi: he must think I'm so unadventurous
acchikocchi: living here in new york almost my whole life
acchikocchi: writing for THE NEW YORKER
acchikocchi: sigh.
acchikocchi: and on the strength of this pitches an idea for this feature in kazakhstan or something
acchikocchi: and is gone for a month
nahco3: AND CRON IS SO WORRIED.
acchikocchi: and Jose and CRon come to town and Leo's not there and - YES
acchikocchi: "oh, didn't he tell you, he went to kazakhstan"
nahco3: and CRon yells at Pep
nahco3: like
nahco3: WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO
acchikocchi: leo didn't tell CRon because obviously he wanted to be able to mention it offhandedly
acchikocchi: "oh yeah, when I was on assignment in kazakhstan -- sorry, did I forget to mention that? journalist's life, you know how it is!"
acchikocchi: I mean not that he would be able to do that
acchikocchi: but he fondly imagined it
acchikocchi: and cristiano being all impressed and admiring
acchikocchi: and not like
acchikocchi: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
acchikocchi: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED
acchikocchi: which is obviously what his email is like.
acchikocchi: "LEO I KNOW PEOPLE. MOURINHO KNOWS PEOPLE. GET IN TOUCH IF ANYTHING HAPPENS."
nahco3: YES
nahco3: PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
nahco3: AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO MOU I DON'T THINK I COULD.
nahco3: JUST BE SAFE OK.
nahco3: (since Mou is a father figure. and him getting shot fucked cron up.)
nahco3: (obviously.)
nahco3: and leo is like
nahco3: "he can't possibly care about me."
nahco3: "OBVIOUSLY he is just sending this since he thinks I'm so boring and can't take care of myself."
acchikocchi: of course the result of the trip is some incredibly brilliant feature
acchikocchi: possibly helped along by his angst
nahco3: and then they don't see each other for like, 3 months
nahco3: until Mou is back in New York
nahco3: and they go out to dinner
nahco3: and Leo tells some stories and CRon is like
nahco3: pained a little bit
nahco3: about like BRUSHES WITH DANGER Leo had.
nahco3: and he just wants to PROTECT HIM.
nahco3: so he drops hints about a a big story in London.
nahco3: and forces Xavi to do the same.
acchikocchi: ahahahaha
acchikocchi: his secret weapon
nahco3: yes indeed.
nahco3: and Leo takes the story of course
nahco3: and goes to London
nahco3: and CRon is like
nahco3: you can stay in my apartment
nahco3: if you want.
acchikocchi HOW CONVENIENT
nahco3: YES.
acchikocchi: what a nice guy, that cristiano.
nahco3: he's a sweetie
nahco3: and then he walks around shirtless a lot
acchikocchi: LOLOLOLOL
nahco3: and like, brings Leo coffee
nahco3: and makes him portugese food
nahco3: and all but basically pushes Leo up against a wall and fucks him
nahco3: and Leo finally calls Xavi and is like
nahco3: "I think he might like me but I'm not sure, what should I do?"
nahco3: and Xavi is like....
nahco3: >:|
acchikocchi: AHAHAHAHA
nahco3: ....talk to him.
nahco3: grumble grumble
acchikocchi: poor xavi
nahco3: ahaha, I know
nahco3: and Leo is too scared
nahco3: until the last night in London
nahco3: OBVIOUSLY
nahco3: and so he takes CRon out to a nice dinner to thank him
nahco3: and like, stutters out the truth over dessert
nahco3: and CRon is FUCKING BEAMING
acchikocchi: d'awwwwwwwwwww
nahco3: and Leo is looking down and blushing
nahco3: and I think you can guess what happens next
acchikocchi: they are so cute
acchikocchi: okay so also at some point (in the future?) when leo eventually picks up on his own what's going on with xavi and iniesta
acchikocchi: he's like
acchikocchi: :D :D :D so! you and andres! :D :D :D
acchikocchi: and xavi is like
acchikocchi: shit
acchikocchi: ronaldo PROMISED
acchikocchi: he wouldn't tell!!1!
acchikocchi: leo: ......are you talking about cristiano?
nahco3: why would he know anything?
nahco3: I don't even think he knows who Andres is
acchikocchi: whether it all comes out or not, i don't know
acchikocchi: but either way, watching xavi try and get out of it would be funny
nahco3: it really would be
nahco3: esp because Leo
nahco3: would have no reason
nahco3: not to talk to Andres about it
acchikocchi: omg yes
nahco3: and like, Andres just stares at him
nahco3: with huge eyes
nahco3: like...oh god really?
nahco3: because he knows Leo wouldn't joke about it
nahco3: but he can't even imagine.
acchikocchi: oh god ahahaha
acchikocchi: POOR ANDRES
acchikocchi: he doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge that someone is trying to - to - you know
acchikocchi: even if he's not... opposed...
acchikocchi: in theory, which is VERY DIFFERENT from in practice.
nahco3: and like, now that he knows
nahco3: he's even more awkward around Xavi
nahco3: and like, they go on a date and it's fun but Andres is like, in his head the whole time
nahco3: and Xavi is like OH GOD I REALLY LIKE YOU
nahco3: but you are so screwed up.
nahco3: so he calls
nahco3: his college acquaintance
nahco3: XABI ALONSO
nahco3: THERAPIST TO THE STARS
acchikocchi: ADFJLDSJFL;DJFLDSJFDLJLDLFD
nahco3: FOR HELP
nahco3: (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?????)
acchikocchi: THAT WAS SO SMOOTH
nahco3: I KNOWWWW
acchikocchi: very impressive indeed
nahco3: thank you
nahco3: and Xabi is like. well, you could reassure him he's not under any pressure
nahco3: or you could work on ways to make him feel more comfortable.
nahco3: what do you think would be good?
nahco3: and Xavi is reminded
nahco3: why he kind of hates Xabi
nahco3: and his inability to give a straight answer
acchikocchi: am i bad person for taking so much glee in xavi's pain
acchikocchi: because it is hilarious
acchikocchi: FORCED TO HASH OUT HIS FEELINGS IN GREAT DETAIL
acchikocchi: forced to answer questions
nahco3: forced to be talked to
nahco3: in a calming voice
nahco3: WHICH HE KNOWS
nahco3: IS XABI'S THERAPY VOICE
acchikocchi: sdasljslfjkls;djl;sfjdlfjd YES
nahco3: "and how does that make you feel?"
acchikocchi: "MURDEROUS"
nahco3: YES
nahco3: "stop talking like that."
nahco3: "this is how I talk, Xavi."
nahco3: NO IT ISN'T STOP IT
acchikocchi: *rolling around*
nahco3: "from what I'm hearing you say, you're worried Andres is still uncomfortable around you, is that right?"
nahco3: CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING DIRECTLY.
nahco3: "Xavi, this isn't about me, is it?"
nahco3: ARGH.
nahco3: etc
acchikocchi: deep down
acchikocchi: xabi is messing with him
acchikocchi: a little bit
nahco3: obviously
nahco3: I mean, Xavi wants free phone sessions
nahco3: Xabi's gotta get his kicks somewhere
acchikocchi: he's gotta put up with a little teasing
nahco3: yes indeed.
nahco3: but what I really want
nahco3: ngl
nahco3: is Andres and Xavi
acchikocchi: and with xabi it's almost impossible to tell when he's messing with you.
nahco3: great poker face
nahco3: etc
acchikocchi: but you were saying
nahco3: I want
nahco3: Andres to invite Xavi up
nahco3: and freak out about it
nahco3: but not want him to leave either
nahco3: so they platonically sleep together
nahco3: THAT is what I want
nahco3: like burning
acchikocchi: dfasdfjlsafjadssfldjlajfdlfjdlfd
nahco3: TORTURE XAVI WITH UST
acchikocchi: that is perfect for them
acchikocchi: and YES.
nahco3: and Xavi is like, ok we can cuddle
nahco3: and as soon as andres goes to sleep
nahco3: he has to go jerk off
nahco3: and then he feels TERRIBLE
nahco3: he doesnt want to be that guy
nahco3: but he's still that guy
acchikocchi: TOO LATE
nahco3: YES
nahco3: then in the morning
nahco3: Andres is like
nahco3: thanks for being such a good guy
acchikocchi: HAHAHA
nahco3: I've never trusted anyone like this
nahco3: KNIFE IN HIS HEART
acchikocchi: GUIIIIILT
nahco3: YES
nahco3: so Xavi calls Xabi
nahco3: on his way home
nahco3: and Xabi is like
nahco3: not again.
acchikocchi:hee hee.
acchikocchi: the more xavi suffers the more i enjoy it.
....and then we never got Xavi laid, but that's life. You can take it as read that it will happen. someday. XD
this has been tonight's installment of Late Night AU Theater. tune in next time for more with your hosts acchikocchi and nahco3 and their undying fondness for every trope ever written. thank you and good night.
Edited to cut down on keysmashing, capslock agreement with every line, etc., though some of that is left in for atmosphere. XD
Pairings: in order, Stevie/Xabi, Ramos/Torres, DV/DS, Bojan-->Pep, Pep/Mou, CRon/Leo, Xavi/Iniesta. I think that's all of them. Plus a supporting cast of thousands.
Okay, so. This is all started so innocuously, with this picture...
acchikocchi: he looks so puzzled.
acchikocchi: (which is admittedly par for the course, but.)
nahco3: maybe he was trying to impress
nahco3: f torres
nahco3: the hot caddy
acchikocchi: i think impressing f.torres the hot caddy is the only reason he would be golfing
acchikocchi: backwards baseball cap and all.
acchikocchi: okay come to think of it
acchikocchi: recently xabi was tweeting something about golfing
acchikocchi: so clearly this is one of those complicated stevie/xabi sergio/fernando AUs
acchikocchi: you know the type i mean
nahco3: I DO
nahco3: someone should be
nahco3: a tiger woods figure
nahco3: Stevie
nahco3: until he finds TRUE LOVE
nahco3: who could be
nahco3: oh wait
nahco3: HIS THERAPIST
nahco3: xabi
nahco3: that is
acchikocchi: sadfjsdfklsjdfkl;sdfjdslfds
acchikocchi: perfect
acchikocchi: okay what is sergio ramos doing in this scenario
nahco3: um ok
nahco3: f torres is stevie's caddy
nahco3: Xabi is the therapist
nahco3: SERGIO
nahco3: IS A REPORTER
nahco3: FROM
nahco3: A GOSSIP MAGAZINE
acchikocchi: oh my god
acchikocchi: please tell me
acchikocchi: he is pretending to golf in that picture
acchikocchi: to spy on stevie
nahco3: YES YES YES YES
nahco3: OF COURSE HE IS
acchikocchi: sdfjsakf;jslf that explains so much
nahco3: AND THEN
nahco3: HE SLEEP WITH TORRES
nahco3: who thinks
nahco3: that he only did it
nahco3: to get the scoop
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
nahco3: except he really didn't
acchikocchi: and obviously "caddy" is the term stevie uses to explain why a string of attractive young men accompany him around the globe
acchikocchi: oh yes
acchikocchi: fernando
acchikocchi: he's my new
acchikocchi: ....caddy.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
nahco3: ok so
nahco3: to recap:
nahco3: Xabi, Stevie's therapist for his sex addiction
acchikocchi: *chokes*
nahco3: who stevie tries to impress
nahco3: with how manly he is
nahco3: Xabi is unimpressed
nahco3: F Torres is a caddy/lover
acchikocchi: he can be an aspiring... something... as well. i don't know what, but something that explains why he's okay with being a short term kept man (/caddy).
nahco3: yes
nahco3: he can want to go pro
acchikocchi: (other than steven gerrard's blinding good looks or whatever, since i reject that premise.)
nahco3: exactly XD
nahco3: ok so Sergio is the reporter
nahco3: trying to get a scoop
acchikocchi: stevie obviously had some kind of high-profile meltdown
acchikocchi: a la tiger
acchikocchi: which is why he has to be in therapy
acchikocchi: and why gossip reporters are stalking him
nahco3: and now he's on a losing streak
nahco3: a la tiger/liverpool
nahco3: anyway, sergio sleeps with f torres
nahco3: WITHOUT KNOWING
nahco3: who he is
nahco3: and then later realizes
nahco3: and by then torres thinks
nahco3: sergio is just using him
nahco3: but he's really not
nahco3: etc etc
nahco3: I am not sure how this situation would resolve
nahco3: /
nahco3: how to incorporate dv/ds
nahco3: lol
acchikocchi: and sergio has to decide whether to expose the story or not for f.torres' sake
acchikocchi: aahahahahaa
acchikocchi: your priorities, i like them.
nahco3: well, i try
acchikocchi: i'm thinking about that right now
nahco3: good
acchikocchi: i mean DS is in the EPL now so he should be connected to them... somehow...
acchikocchi: i'm thinking DV is maybe a sports reporter so that a. he looks down on sergio XD and b. he can write scathing articles about torres once torres goes pro
nahco3: ahaha
nahco3: OF COURSE HE WOULD
nahco3: DV is the best disgruntled reporter of all time
acchikocchi: what about DS though
acchikocchi: oh i think i know
acchikocchi: he is a popular sports blogger
acchikocchi: so we can have traditional media vs new media
nahco3: skjflkdjsflkdjflkdsjf
acchikocchi: because DV would find bloggers really annoying
nahco3: YES
nahco3: BECAUSE HE WRITES FEATURES
acchikocchi: he would have a twitter account for like
acchikocchi: an hour
acchikocchi: before his editor made him delete it
nahco3: and hate it
nahco3: can he write for like
nahco3: the new yorker?
acchikocchi: omg yes of course
nahco3: so he is just a huge snob
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: and he has heard of DS' blog of course
acchikocchi: because people keep asking him about it
acchikocchi: "he asks such incisive questions!"
acchikocchi: whatever
acchikocchi: it's easy to ask ~incisive questions~
acchikocchi: not so easy to answer them
acchikocchi: but bloggers have no accountability
acchikocchi: so no one notices! or cares!
acchikocchi: that they don't do this.
acchikocchi: EXCEPT HIM.
nahco3: AHHAH YES
acchikocchi: david villa, standard bearer of journalistic integrity.
nahco3: he really is
nahco3: the lone force
nahco3: in a cruel world
nahco3: his editor can be pep
nahco3: please.
acchikocchi: um yes
acchikocchi: of course
nahco3: can barca be the new yorker
nahco3: THEY THINK THEY SHIT GOLD
acchikocchi: pep as editor of - YES EXACTLY
nahco3: and DS is a bit contemptuous
acchikocchi: of the pretensions of the establishment
acchikocchi and like
acchikocchi: he and his fellow sports bloggers juan mata and cesc do a podcast
nahco3: AHHA YES
nahco3: I WOULD WATCH THAT
acchikocchi: SAME, OBVIOUSLY
nahco3: oh I love them
nahco3: they would be great non-traditional media
acchikocchi: i am trying to decide if DS has a day job or not
acchikocchi: maybe part time
acchikocchi: since obviously you need a lot of time to be plugged into all things sports
acchikocchi: but also i want this to be a labor of love that necessitates caffeine and not sleeping
nahco3: yes of course
nahco3: and like, he wears sexy threadbare sweatpants
nahco3: and a worn through t-shirt
nahco3: and somehow, DV ends up seeing this
acchikocchi: exaaaactly
nahco3: and like
nahco3: needs to go jerk off
nahco3: right away
nahco3: but he feels dirty about it
nahco3: obviously.
acchikocchi: obviously
acchikocchi: i'm trying to decide how they meet
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: i kind of like the idea of DV meeting him and not knowing who he is online
acchikocchi: at least at first
nahco3: yes of course
nahco3: hmm
nahco3: they could meet in st andrews
nahco3: for the golf thing
nahco3: and DS is using his vacation to go there
acchikocchi: ahahaha
nahco3: and they meet at the pub or something
nahco3: and then later
nahco3: DV googles him
nahco3: BECAUSE HE SO WOULD
acchikocchi: OF COURSE HE WOULD
acchikocchi: and is horrified
nahco3: A LITTLE BIT
nahco3: yes
nahco3: meanwhile
nahco3: DS knew who he was the whole time
nahco3: and was star struck and hiding it
acchikocchi: but then DV shares his true feelings on blogging vs journalism and DS is like, WHAT A DOUCHE.
acchikocchi: even if he is hot
acchikocchi: and an amazing writer
acchikocchi: god damn it.
nahco3: and good in bed
nahco3: and funny.
nahco3: mostly intentionally, even.
acchikocchi: ahahahahaha
nahco3: and then DV has to win him back!
acchikocchi: obviously at some point DV has to actually read his blog and be impressed/grudgingly admit he was wrong
nahco3: and leaves
nahco3: A REALLY LONG COMMENT
nahco3: WITH PROPER PUNCTUATION
acchikocchi: OH MY GOD
acchikocchi: YES
acchikocchi: a thousand times yes
nahco3: and the backdrop of all this
nahco3: is the stevie thing
nahco3: and DV and DS can bond
nahco3: over how dumb it is
nahco3: and tawdry
acchikocchi: DS has a long well-crafted post about that, of course
acchikocchi: about celebrity culture and reality television and sports
acchikocchi: and manufactured closeness.
acchikocchi: and possibly homophobia
nahco3: and DV writes like
nahco3: some sickeningly long thing
nahco3: about like
nahco3: the history of scandal in golf
nahco3: dating back to 1611
nahco3: meanwhile Sergio
nahco3: writes one headline
nahco3: IN MORE THAN ONE HOLE
acchikocchi: *SHRIEKS*
acchikocchi: oh my god
nahco3: + picture of Stevie and caddies
acchikocchi: ohhhhh my god
acchikocchi: i am laughing so hard
acchikocchi: that is brilliant
acchikocchi: okay so
acchikocchi: DS has a (part-time?) job doing... something. maybe or maybe not something vaguely sports(/media) related
acchikocchi: but obviously the blog is his real purpose in life
acchikocchi: and his parents are like
acchikocchi: David
acchikocchi: please take a vacation
acchikocchi: please
acchikocchi: we will even chip in for part of it if you will just leave that blog alone
acchikocchi: so he's like
acchikocchi: oh, um. scotland sounds nice. and obviously that is not in any ways sports related
acchikocchi: because the location of the champions' league final might be a little suspicious
acchikocchi: but he's counting on his parents not knowing anything about golf.
acchikocchi: and something is better than nothing.
nahco3: (also can we please have a "I want grandkids" subplot?)
nahco3: with DS's mom
acchikocchi: uh yes
acchikocchi: of course
nahco3: FOR SOME ANGST ON THE SIDE
nahco3: ...I mean.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
nahco3: um.
acchikocchi: ahahahahaha
acchikocchi: well we can't have this be too fluffy after all
acchikocchi: it would be OOC for us.
nahco3: obviously not.
nahco3: anyway. go on.
acchikocchi: right.
acchikocchi: so he goes there and meets DV, everything you said, up to the whole "oh my god he's one of those internet people destroying the hallowed world i live in"/"oh my god he's a TOTAL JERK"
acchikocchi: and then st andrews is over and they go back home
acchikocchi: and that's that except
acchikocchi: -- okay tangent: DS and his sports blogging friends: cesc is a college student with a lot of free time and juan mata is, like, a grad student in literature or something. writing his thesis on murakami.
acchikocchi: and he and juan hang out sometimes because they live in the same city
acchikocchi: and get to be actual friends
acchikocchi: and juan is like, david, you should meet this friend of mine, i think you'd like him. a lot.
nahco3: do I see where this is going....
acchikocchi: and you guys are equally obsessed with every aspect of sports, so if nothing else you'd have something to talk about if this blind date -- i mean completely friendly meeting -- goes horribly wrong.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE
acchikocchi: look if you have an internet aliases subplot
acchikocchi: you have to have awkward reveals like this.
nahco3: YES OF COURSE.
acchikocchi: and then they just spend the entire time arguing about the role of the internet and social media
nahco3: while eye fucking
acchikocchi: and possibly trying to one up each other with statistics
acchikocchi: um yes
acchikocchi: obviously
nahco3: I mean, this cannot get too cerebral
nahco3: and then the date ends and they are still like WHAT A DICK/UGH I HATE HIM
nahco3: except they have sex again
acchikocchi: RIGHT
acchikocchi: EXACTLY
nahco3: and it is like
nahco3: really spectacular sex
nahco3: obviously.
nahco3: and then they end up like
nahco3: hooking up
nahco3: BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING
acchikocchi: OF COURSE NOT
nahco3: THEY STILL HATE EACH OTHER A LOT
nahco3: though Mata is unconvinced of this.
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: after the first "date"
acchikocchi: they get on skype for podcast recording and mata is like, so how did it go
acchikocchi: DS: (long rant about pretentious journalist assholes blah blah the ~new yorker~)
acchikocchi: cesc: .....omg
acchikocchi: omg did you go on a date with someone from the new yorker
acchikocchi: OMG ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS AN INTERNSHIP THERE
acchikocchi: MATA
nahco3: CESC ILU
acchikocchi: YOU KNOW THIS GUY
acchikocchi: CAN YOU HOOK ME UP
acchikocchi: please please please please please
nahco3: DS: why would you ever want to work there with him.
nahco3: Mata: so you guys fucked.
nahco3: DS: ....so podcast!
nahco3: DS: I was thinking we lead with the FIFA presidency elections.
nahco3: Mata: yes, you really really did.
acchikocchi: (meanwhile cesc's blog is like, dirty tackle or something. it's not as deep but it's hilarious and he updates it incessantly.)
nahco3: (since cesc is like, half failing school)
nahco3: (since all he does is drink beer and watch sports)
acchikocchi: cesc is a freakish statistical repository
acchikocchi: he can give you any number on anything
nahco3: math major?
acchikocchi: possibly so
nahco3: or econ
nahco3: since he is unmotivated
acchikocchi: HAHA, exactly
nahco3: ANYWAY.
nahco3: obviously Mata is too lazy to get them to admit their true feelings for one another
nahco3: like, he wishes they would stop whining to him so much
nahco3: but he really needs to work on his thesis
acchikocchi: he's busy with his - yes
nahco3: and write this post about the MLS draft
nahco3: etc etc
acchikocchi: mata is run of play, essentially
nahco3: yes.
nahco3: so DS and DV have to work out their own issues
nahco3: which is a disaster
acchikocchi always
nahco3: until.
nahco3: somehow, I need Sergio
nahco3: to teach DV
nahco3: a lesson about love.
acchikocchi: oh god
acchikocchi: ahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA
nahco3: if anyone could, it would be sergio
nahco3: in the press room at whatever
nahco3: the Masters
nahco3: and DV is bitter and angry that he has to do this shit, but he's writing an article about 3rd wave feminism and Michelle Wie
nahco3: and her trying to break into the PGA tour or something
nahco3: and Sergio is still mooning after Fernando
nahco3: and eagerly covering Stevie's fucked up life
nahco3: and somehow ends up instilling DV
nahco3: with the realization that
nahco3: he loves DS
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: i like this
nahco3: see how I am intersecting plot lines
nahco3: what craftsmanship
acchikocchi: i'm very impressed
acchikocchi: since i am obviously happy to forget about the rest once we get to the dv/ds plotline
acchikocchi: "oh right... and then, um. golf."
acchikocchi: though i really look forward to DV's article once f.torres goes pro
acchikocchi: and gains, like, a fangirl following
acchikocchi: IN GOLF
acchikocchi: based on his boyband looks
acchikocchi: and this is sort of tacitly encouraged and promoted by the pga (is that the right institution?)
acchikocchi: because bringing in a young audience, etc.
acchikocchi: even though he has not won a tournament or anything yet
acchikocchi: and DV obviously has a problem with this
acchikocchi: A BIG PROBLEM
nahco3: GOLF GOES BACK TO THE TIME OF SHAKESPEARE
nahco3: WHAT IS THIS BOYBAND SHIT
acchikocchi: one of the remaining sports not entirely about image
acchikocchi: despite the increasing celebritization with the whole steven gerrard thing
acchikocchi: STILL
acchikocchi: TEENYBOPPER FANGIRLS. IT IS WRONG.
acchikocchi: and like
acchikocchi: his descriptions of f.torres aren't mean
acchikocchi: but condescending
acchikocchi: "torres is a quiet, inoffensive young man, with an adequate swing and boy-next-door good looks."
nahco3: "His look of perpetual confusion is at odds with his reputation as a competent golfer."
nahco3: "Still known best for his former affiliation with Steven Gerrard, Torres has yet to win a professional tournament."
nahco3: and DS
nahco3: writes a post
nahco3: defending him
nahco3: (playing devil's advocate of course)
nahco3: and DV is like
nahco3: OH GOD WHAT IF HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.
acchikocchi: *DIES*
acchikocchi: oh DV ilu
nahco3: obvious first conclusion.
acchikocchi: OF COURSE, WHO WOULDN'T THINK THAT
acchikocchi: other than everyone who is not DV
nahco3: exactly.
nahco3: so then he calls DS
nahco3: but instead of a mature conversation
nahco3: they have an argument and then phone sex
acchikocchi: ha! mature conversation. that is funny.
nahco3: WHICH LEAVES DV NOWHERE
acchikocchi: ....yes
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: i approve very much
nahco3: so then DV like.
nahco3: idk.
nahco3: DS moves or something
nahco3: and DV TRACKS HIM DOWN.
nahco3: and GOES TO HIS HOUSE
nahco3: to argue with him about how much Torres sucks
nahco3: and DS is like
nahco3: "what is even going on."
acchikocchi: okay
acchikocchi: this is where we can have the part where DV is wearing the threadbare sweatpants and worn t-shirt
acchikocchi: also maybe reading glasses because... i like them. basically.
nahco3: yes, and DS kicks him out of the house
nahco3: and DV goes to his hotel and jerks off
nahco3: and then gets drunk!
nahco3: and calls DS
nahco3: and finally tells him the truth about what is up
acchikocchi: drunken phone confessions = yes
acchikocchi: partly because DS can be like, i only understand half of what he's saying, is it what i think he's saying
acchikocchi: also he sounds really drunk so i don't know how much i should believe this
acchikocchi: (but obviously deep down inside is like um i kind of want this to be true.)
nahco3: (OBVIOUSLY)
nahco3: (since he has been in love like the whole time)
nahco3: (DUH)
acchikocchi: bonus points for DV starting out using complicated metaphors
acchikocchi: and sports references
acchikocchi: and DS being like "....i literally have no idea what you're talking about"
acchikocchi: before DV is just like, fuck it, time to just say it.
nahco3: "David I just."
nahco3: "I love you ok and so you can't be in love with him because he's such a dick and I know I'm a dick too but I don't mean to be. it's just like sometimes I don't know how else to be."
nahco3: "please say something."
acchikocchi: and DS is like
acchikocchi: "Did you just say...."
acchikocchi: "David, how drunk are you?"
nahco3: sdjflsdjkf
acchikocchi: i'm trying to decide how much he reacts outwardly
acchikocchi: it's difficult.
acchikocchi: meanwhile DV is like "NOT THAT MUCH. i mean. it has nothing to do with that. except i'm too much of a fucking coward otherwise. i mean. shit."
acchikocchi: and then somehow they get cut off in the midle
acchikocchi: probably DV's fault
acchikocchi: so that DS can very quietly flip out.
acchikocchi: and possibly try calling DV back -- to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or something, of course, since obviously he was not sober at all -- but the line is busy
acchikocchi: like all night
nahco3: dkfjlkdjflkdjfldsfesrer
nahco3: dksfjlkdjglkdfjgoerituoweijflkd
nahco3: KSHFLEHFOIWEHIL
acchikocchi:because of whatever DV did to his phone XD
nahco3: and then DV is going to leave town
nahco3: because he is TOO EMBARRASSED
nahco3: but DS calls all the hotels
nahco3: and tracks him down
nahco3: and stands outside his door
nahco3: and forces him
nahco3: HUNGOVER DV
nahco3: to have a real conversation about feelings
nahco3: aka basically tortures him
acchikocchi: "David, I know you're in there"
acchikocchi: "you might as well just open the door"
acchikocchi: "because I'm not going to leave until you do."
acchikocchi: also DV obviously doesn't remember exactly what he said
acchikocchi: though he's got the general idea
acchikocchi: but more importantly
acchikocchi: he doesn't remember what DS said
acchikocchi: like at all
acchikocchi: he just has a general bad feeling about it
acchikocchi: so assumes he was kind of shot down
nahco3: is just terrified
nahco3: gut churning
nahco3: HEART PREPARED TO BE BROKEN
nahco3: answers the door
nahco3: DS has coffee
nahco3: and they sit down on his bed and DV is just like
nahco3: I cannot handle this
acchikocchi: sdkalfjdl; aw
nahco3: and freaks out
nahco3: and DS is like.
nahco3: it's ok, David, we just need to talk about last night.
nahco3: you do remember, right?
nahco3: and DV is like YES OF COURSE I DO
nahco3: ....what did I say exactly.
nahco3: and DS is like, well, you told me you loved me, is that true?
nahco3: and DV gives a hungover nod.
nahco3: and DS is like. ok then.
nahco3: and kind of breathes for a second.
nahco3: and DV is like OH GOD NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
acchikocchi: won't meet his eyes
nahco3: the whole converstation
nahco3: keeps wanting to turn on sports center
nahco3: and then DS is just like
nahco3: "David. you know I. that I."
nahco3: "Iloveyoutoo"
acchikocchi: DV is so convinced of what DS is going to say that it doesn't really sink in at first
acchikocchi: and then he's like "......what"
acchikocchi: can you
acchikocchi: say that again
nahco3: please.
nahco3: and DS now gets this little smile
nahco3: and is like, oh was your tape recorder not working?
nahco3: maybe you should take better notes
acchikocchi: (and possibly also kind of blushing despite his best intentions)
acchikocchi: omg
acchikocchi: sfjadkkjsf;jaksf;ja;fj;fjkfjksfjlfjljflsjaflsd
acchikocchi: PERFECT LINES DS ILU.
nahco3: and DV is like, excuse me, at least I'm not live-tweeting this.
acchikocchi: sdassdfjlsfjsdls
nahco3: and then DS blushes some more and says
nahco3: "I love you."
nahco3: AND THEN THEY HAVE A LOT OF SEX
acchikocchi: of COURSE.
acchikocchi: and DS possibly makes some cryptically happy statements on twitter/his blog that he has to delete later.
acchikocchi: but mata picks up on it anyway and is like, see, i was right all along. ha.
acchikocchi: cesc: so you're dating the guy from the new yorker now? omg, come on, daviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid. we're friends, aren't we.
nahco3: pleeeaaase can I get a job there.
nahco3: DS: no.
acchikocchi:do you really want to be constrained by the boundaries of traditional journalism, cesc
acchikocchi: when you have such success already
acchikocchi: you don't need them
acchikocchi: cesc: BUT IT'S THE NEW YORKER. *starry eyes*
acchikocchi: i have new yorker dna. i just know it.
nahco3: LOLOLOLOL
nahco3: DS: ...I don't really think you're pretentious enough
nahco3: Cesc: I CAN LEARN.
acchikocchi: HE REALLY ISN'T. XD
acchikocchi: aj;fdsfkj;sdjfkdsfjdf
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA
acchikocchi: oh cesc!
nahco3: he buys hipster glasses
nahco3: he takes a class on literary theory
nahco3: Juan Mata rolls his eyes a lot
nahco3: basically, that is his point in this fic
nahco3: we can also have like
nahco3: some sort of the Atlantic/the New Yorker showdown
nahco3: or maybe
nahco3: the Economist
nahco3: would be better
nahco3: for Real.
nahco3: XD
acchikocchi: excuse i'm just going to pause to think about jose mourinho, magazine editor, for a minute
nahco3: one sec, quote from wikipedia
nahco3: about the economist
nahco3: The Economist claims it "is not a chronicle of economics."[5] Rather, it aims "to take part in a severe contest between intelligence, which presses forward, and an unworthy, timid ignorance obstructing our progress."[6]
nahco3: IF THAT IS NOT JOSE
nahco3: I DONT KNOW WHO JOSE IS
acchikocchi: oh my godddddd
acchikocchi: AMAZING
nahco3: I AM SO PROUD OF THIS ANALOGY RIGHT NOW
acchikocchi: an unworthy, timid ignorance
acchikocchi: obstructing our progress
acchikocchi: "which, if i were going to name names, would be named the new yorker. but i do not name names because that is not what publishing is about."
acchikocchi: or words to that effect
nahco3: YES OF COURSE
nahco3: we do not have an insular focus
nahco3: rather, our aim is to move the WORLD forward.
acchikocchi: sfjka;fsf jose
acchikocchi: is the best
nahco3: he really really is
acchikocchi: back to cesc for a minute
acchikocchi: somehow he does end up with an internship because of family connections or something
acchikocchi: or a professor that pulls strings for him, idk.
acchikocchi: but it's as, like, general minion
acchikocchi: pencil sharpener, coffee fetcher, wikipedia checker
acchikocchi: BUT
acchikocchi: everyone loves him
acchikocchi: DS and mata are totally mystified
nahco3: "maybe he does have New Yorker DNA."
nahco3: "you appear to fundamentally misunderstand the concept of DNA."
nahco3: "shut up, Mata."
nahco3: "you shut up."
acchikocchi: and maybe at the end of the summer cesc decides that it's probably not the best fit after all
nahco3: MAYBE BECAUSE
nahco3: Pep
nahco3: his idol
nahco3: is having a SUPER SKETCHY THING
nahco3: WITH FELLOW INTERN
nahco3: AND COPY MAKER
acchikocchi: *DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES*
nahco3: Bojan.
acchikocchi: oh god
nahco3: and everyone is sketched out
nahco3: but can't say anything
acchikocchi: or at the very least that is what it looks like because of bojan's really obvious crush and pep lets people think that to cover up his sketchy thing with THEIR RIVAL
acchikocchi: jose mourinho.
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: OH MY GOD
nahco3: YES
nahco3: like.
nahco3: who gets to top
nahco3: is determined by
nahco3: who's circulation is bigger
acchikocchi: *snort*
nahco3: and Pep is like, SO ASHAMED.
acchikocchi: it's on and off since the economist/jose is headquartered in london
acchikocchi: but
acchikocchi: there is a lot of transatlantic travel on both their parts obviously
acchikocchi: conferences and things
acchikocchi: well, more for jose than pep, since the new yorker has such an insular focus cough
acchikocchi: he sweeps into new york, has a torrid weekend of terrorizing the new york correspondents of the economist/sex with pep and sweeps back out again
nahco3: leaving Pep confused.
nahco3: and bruised. XD
acchikocchi with his head spinning
nahco3: and then like
nahco3: Jose publishes this huge thing
nahco3: about Abramovich
nahco3: and what a bad dude he is
nahco3: and then like, gets threats?
acchikocchi omg yes
nahco3: and Pep assigns someone to write about it, since obviously, it's a story
nahco3: but meanwhile he's like
nahco3: I want to protect him. he should come to america and LIVE WITH ME
nahco3: but since someone is writing a story on it
nahco3: it would be SO UNETHICAL
nahco3: and what do you do?
nahco3: PM like, save your boyfriend?
nahco3: or LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING?
nahco3: and what if Jose doens't even want to be saved?
nahco3: etc etc
nahco3: then Jose should get non-fatally shot
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA
nahco3: and Pep LEAVES NYC
nahco3: GOES TO LONDON
acchikocchi: RETURNING TO A BELOVED THEME XD
nahco3: SITS IN A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
nahco3: POSSIBLY CRIES
nahco3: and of course, Jose is like
nahco3: whatever.
nahco3: if they try to kill you
nahco3: you are doing something right.
acchikocchi: you're doing it right
acchikocchi: yup
nahco3: yup.
nahco3: XD
acchikocchi: okay so they don't get to have a big emotional moment because when pep sees that jose is okay/is going to be okay, he goes back to new york
acchikocchi: since he is suddenly like, omg, what am i doing, he can't see me here
acchikocchi: but
acchikocchi: publishes this long editorial on freedom of the press and commitment to getting the truth out there in the face of personal harm
acchikocchi: and basically how awesome jose is
nahco3: YES
nahco3: and like
nahco3: maybe he even co-writes it
nahco3: and it has parts like
nahco3: "dynamic and silver-haired"
nahco3: and like
nahco3: talks about his laugh lines and shit
nahco3: and his fearless laugh
nahco3: BASICALLY IT NEEDS TO BE OVER THE TOP WITH REPRESSED LOVE
acchikocchi: so jose reads this and immediately flies to new york and THEN they can have a big emotional moment, followed by lots of torrid sex.
nahco3: ...including like
nahco3: bandage removal
nahco3: /Pep making sure Jose is all in one piece
nahco3: um because you cannot have anything
nahco3: without MASSIVE HURT COMFORT
acchikocchi: OBVIOUSLY NOT
acchikocchi: like
acchikocchi: jose shows up in the new yorker offices
acchikocchi: basically just walks right despite protesting security people
acchikocchi: black trenchcoat and all
acchikocchi: and pep's leaning over his desk working on something in his office and looks up and sees jose in the door and his eyes get really big
acchikocchi: and i can't decide if jose a. gives him a really long inappropriate kiss in front of the office, b. goes into the office and closes the door, or c. is just like "come with me" and pep does
acchikocchi: but regardless
acchikocchi: the rest of the office is just like
acchikocchi: O_____O
nahco3: UM I LIKE C THE BEST
nahco3: SINCE I LIKE PEP GETTING BOSSED AROUND
nahco3: maybe he grabs his wrist
nahco3: and is like
nahco3: "now."
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: yes
acchikocchi: okay
acchikocchi: c it is
acchikocchi: for a minute after they leave it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop
acchikocchi: then everyone looks at bojan XD
nahco3: and his face is just A MASK OF PAIN
nahco3: but Pep is like
nahco3: lost in Mou's eyes
nahco3: completely.
acchikocchi: poor bojan
acchikocchi big eyes, wobbling lip
nahco3: and then they just
nahco3: walk to the elevator
nahco3: and the second the door closes
nahco3: everyone is like
nahco3: WHAT IS GOING ON
nahco3: and they try to like, break into Pep's office
nahco3: and everyone is talking really fast
nahco3: and trying to piece it all together
nahco3: like the good reporters they are
acchikocchi: hee
acchikocchi: yes
nahco3: like
nahco3: that explains the trips to London!
acchikocchi and xavi looks HURT AND BETRAYED
nahco3: YES OF COURSE HE DOES
nahco3: and Cesc is like
nahco3: they better not be having sex in the elevator
nahco3: I use that every day
nahco3: and everyone else is HORRIFIED
nahco3: BY THIS NEW THOUGHT
acchikocchi: AHAHAHA YES
nahco3: but really
nahco3: the just made out a little bit
nahco3: since Jose is too classy
nahco3: for elevator sex
nahco3: unless he is trying to make a point
nahco3: in which case, all bets are off
nahco3: and we haven't even touched on
nahco3: more forbidden journalist love
nahco3: aka.
nahco3: CRon/Leo
acchikocchi: AHAHA
nahco3: TO MAKE AN AU COMPLETE
acchikocchi: does that mean CRon works for the economist
acchikocchi: because my head
acchikocchi: might explode
acchikocchi: trying to envision that
nahco3: um.
nahco3: he has hidden depths?
nahco3: either that
nahco3: or he's a secretary
nahco3: I mean um
acchikocchi: maybe he isn't a reporter? like, he works for them, but he's in charge of advertising or something
acchikocchi: or he's just mou's executive assistant
nahco3: YES
nahco3: ok
nahco3: Leo meets him
nahco3: "investigating"
nahco3: Mou and Pep
acchikocchi: omg yes
nahco3: since obvs the New Yorker staff
nahco3: draws straws to see who will do it
nahco3: and Leo loses
nahco3: and they have lunch or something
nahco3: and CRon sees right through Leo, obviously
nahco3: who is terrible at deceiving people
nahco3: and flirts OUTRAGEOUSLY
nahco3: and Leo blushes a lot
nahco3: and then they have a follow up interview
nahco3: which is a second date to cron
nahco3: but leo
nahco3: doesn't think
nahco3: they are dating
nahco3: and so it goes
acchikocchi: perfect
nahco3: Cris sends flowers
nahco3: and Leo is like
nahco3: A GESTURE OF FRIENDSHIP
nahco3: HOW SWEET
nahco3: if only he knew
nahco3: how much I loved him...
acchikocchi: awwww, leo
nahco3: and no one at the office helps him out
nahco3: since they all disapprove
nahco3: since Leo is a towering intellectual titan
nahco3: and they all think CRon is just some ditz
acchikocchi: little do they know he might not be a writer but is still unexpectedly sharp
acchikocchi: in many ways
acchikocchi: like
nahco3 he's working to put himself through school
acchikocchi: he's the only one to figure out that xavi, for all his disapproval
acchikocchi: is sleeping with the book reviewer
acchikocchi: namely
acchikocchi: andres iniesta
nahco3: YES YES YES YES
nahco3: who is like
nahco3: super shy
nahco3: and emo
nahco3: so I can get
nahco3: all my emotional kinks
nahco3: in one
acchikocchi: and literally NO ONE ELSE KNEW
nahco3: and CRon like
acchikocchi: xavi thought he was so stealthy
nahco3: gives relationship advice
nahco3: in emails to him
nahco3: or something.
acchikocchi: he is paranoid CRon will tell other people
nahco3: Xavi: how did he get my personal email?
acchikocchi: which he obviously doesn't want to happen because
acchikocchi: it will scare andres away
acchikocchi: seeing as how he is all shy and emo
acchikocchi: (how DID he get xavi's personal email?)
nahco3: (um, don't underestimate him.)
nahco3: (he works with the web design people a lot)
nahco3: (and one of them)
nahco3: (really likes him)
nahco3: (so he helps out CRon with whatever he needs)
nahco3: (this polite brazilian guy)
nahco3: (you may have heard of)
acchikocchi: asdf;ksafjksfld;fjladjflslsdf
acchikocchi: brilliant
nahco3: thank you
nahco3: XD
nahco3: but yes, Xavi
nahco3: so he follows CRon's advice
nahco3: and like, is very kind and supportive
nahco3: and lures Andres in
nahco3: and in exchange, CRon makes him
nahco3: like.
nahco3: help him win over Leo
nahco3: /make Leo realize what is going on
acchikocchi: which is hilarious because xavi is so grudging about it
acchikocchi: he doesn't want to be doing it
acchikocchi: but
nahco3: worst. cupid. ever.
acchikocchi: HE IS AN HONORABLE PERSON
acchikocchi: and andres, like, thinks he's trying to help leo because he's a good friend, in spite of his personal thoughts on the matter. and thinks it's really nice.
acchikocchi: so it's not like xavi doesn't get anything out of this
nahco3: and Andres like, thinks Xavi is the best friend ever to Leo
nahco3: and wishes he had a friend like that
nahco3: MEANWHILE
nahco3: Xavi is like
nahco3: obviously
nahco3: seducing him SUPER SUBTLY
nahco3: thanks to CRon's moves
acchikocchi: okay like
acchikocchi: the beginning of this was that xavi and andres had a one-night stand or something, like, drunkenly, after the office holiday party
acchikocchi: something like that
acchikocchi: and never said a word about it because obviously
acchikocchi: andres is andres
acchikocchi: and xavi couldn't figure out how to navigate complex social situations like letting the person you just accidentally slept with know you'd like to do it again on a regular basis, along with dates and things, because you really kind of like them
acchikocchi: and has been afraid to proceed because of the whole not wanting to scare him off
acchikocchi: and that is where the, omg, how did you know, ronaldo, if you breathe one word to anyone else in the office EVEN LEO --
acchikocchi: thing comes from
acchikocchi: because he knows if their coworkers found out andres would never say a word to him again
acchikocchi: and he likes their quiet lunches and stuff
nahco3: oh my god yes
nahco3: and like
nahco3: the few times
nahco3: when Andres gets really excited
nahco3: about some short film
nahco3: and says almost ten words at once
nahco3: and Xavi is like I AM GOING TO GO WATCH THIS NOW
nahco3: and then he does, but Pep catches him
nahco3: and tells him off for not working at work
nahco3: and then Andres is like
nahco3: ALL MY FAULT
nahco3: I shouldn't have told him it was so good
nahco3: it's not that great anyway.
nahco3: I'm so sorry.
nahco3: I'm going to go watch a 4 hour documentary on the Gaza strip
nahco3: and not talk to anyone.
nahco3: and Xavi emails CRon being like
nahco3: WHAT DO I DO?
acchikocchi: yes EXACTLY giggling aloud here
nahco3: but more resentfully than that
nahco3: and CRon is like
nahco3: this is going to cost you
nahco3: what is Leo's favorite band?
acchikocchi: oh god i love CRon
nahco3 Xavi grudgingly complies
nahco3: and CRon tells him like, casually mention the film in a few days and here are a couple of others by the same direction
nahco3: that he might have seen
nahco3: and let him apologize to you
nahco3: since it will make him feel better, don't brush him off
acchikocchi: i would say that xavi is definitely getting the best out of this deal
acchikocchi: except for the pleasure that CRon obviously takes in extorting this information from him
nahco3: and then, come on
nahco3: CRon buys Leo a backstage pass
nahco3: to the concert
nahco3: since Mou is in town or whatever
nahco3: CONVENIENTLY FOR ME
nahco3: and it is an amazing date.
acchikocchi: no, i was just thinking, i like the long-distance aspect of this, with the occasional visits. it makes it interesting.
acchikocchi: also Leo would be like, Cristiano has such an exciting life, jetsetting all over the globe
nahco3: YES
acchikocchi: he must think I'm so unadventurous
acchikocchi: living here in new york almost my whole life
acchikocchi: writing for THE NEW YORKER
acchikocchi: sigh.
acchikocchi: and on the strength of this pitches an idea for this feature in kazakhstan or something
acchikocchi: and is gone for a month
nahco3: AND CRON IS SO WORRIED.
acchikocchi: and Jose and CRon come to town and Leo's not there and - YES
acchikocchi: "oh, didn't he tell you, he went to kazakhstan"
nahco3: and CRon yells at Pep
nahco3: like
nahco3: WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO
acchikocchi: leo didn't tell CRon because obviously he wanted to be able to mention it offhandedly
acchikocchi: "oh yeah, when I was on assignment in kazakhstan -- sorry, did I forget to mention that? journalist's life, you know how it is!"
acchikocchi: I mean not that he would be able to do that
acchikocchi: but he fondly imagined it
acchikocchi: and cristiano being all impressed and admiring
acchikocchi: and not like
acchikocchi: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
acchikocchi: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED
acchikocchi: which is obviously what his email is like.
acchikocchi: "LEO I KNOW PEOPLE. MOURINHO KNOWS PEOPLE. GET IN TOUCH IF ANYTHING HAPPENS."
nahco3: YES
nahco3: PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
nahco3: AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO MOU I DON'T THINK I COULD.
nahco3: JUST BE SAFE OK.
nahco3: (since Mou is a father figure. and him getting shot fucked cron up.)
nahco3: (obviously.)
nahco3: and leo is like
nahco3: "he can't possibly care about me."
nahco3: "OBVIOUSLY he is just sending this since he thinks I'm so boring and can't take care of myself."
acchikocchi: of course the result of the trip is some incredibly brilliant feature
acchikocchi: possibly helped along by his angst
nahco3: and then they don't see each other for like, 3 months
nahco3: until Mou is back in New York
nahco3: and they go out to dinner
nahco3: and Leo tells some stories and CRon is like
nahco3: pained a little bit
nahco3: about like BRUSHES WITH DANGER Leo had.
nahco3: and he just wants to PROTECT HIM.
nahco3: so he drops hints about a a big story in London.
nahco3: and forces Xavi to do the same.
acchikocchi: ahahahaha
acchikocchi: his secret weapon
nahco3: yes indeed.
nahco3: and Leo takes the story of course
nahco3: and goes to London
nahco3: and CRon is like
nahco3: you can stay in my apartment
nahco3: if you want.
acchikocchi HOW CONVENIENT
nahco3: YES.
acchikocchi: what a nice guy, that cristiano.
nahco3: he's a sweetie
nahco3: and then he walks around shirtless a lot
acchikocchi: LOLOLOLOL
nahco3: and like, brings Leo coffee
nahco3: and makes him portugese food
nahco3: and all but basically pushes Leo up against a wall and fucks him
nahco3: and Leo finally calls Xavi and is like
nahco3: "I think he might like me but I'm not sure, what should I do?"
nahco3: and Xavi is like....
nahco3: >:|
acchikocchi: AHAHAHAHA
nahco3: ....talk to him.
nahco3: grumble grumble
acchikocchi: poor xavi
nahco3: ahaha, I know
nahco3: and Leo is too scared
nahco3: until the last night in London
nahco3: OBVIOUSLY
nahco3: and so he takes CRon out to a nice dinner to thank him
nahco3: and like, stutters out the truth over dessert
nahco3: and CRon is FUCKING BEAMING
acchikocchi: d'awwwwwwwwwww
nahco3: and Leo is looking down and blushing
nahco3: and I think you can guess what happens next
acchikocchi: they are so cute
acchikocchi: okay so also at some point (in the future?) when leo eventually picks up on his own what's going on with xavi and iniesta
acchikocchi: he's like
acchikocchi: :D :D :D so! you and andres! :D :D :D
acchikocchi: and xavi is like
acchikocchi: shit
acchikocchi: ronaldo PROMISED
acchikocchi: he wouldn't tell!!1!
acchikocchi: leo: ......are you talking about cristiano?
nahco3: why would he know anything?
nahco3: I don't even think he knows who Andres is
acchikocchi: whether it all comes out or not, i don't know
acchikocchi: but either way, watching xavi try and get out of it would be funny
nahco3: it really would be
nahco3: esp because Leo
nahco3: would have no reason
nahco3: not to talk to Andres about it
acchikocchi: omg yes
nahco3: and like, Andres just stares at him
nahco3: with huge eyes
nahco3: like...oh god really?
nahco3: because he knows Leo wouldn't joke about it
nahco3: but he can't even imagine.
acchikocchi: oh god ahahaha
acchikocchi: POOR ANDRES
acchikocchi: he doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge that someone is trying to - to - you know
acchikocchi: even if he's not... opposed...
acchikocchi: in theory, which is VERY DIFFERENT from in practice.
nahco3: and like, now that he knows
nahco3: he's even more awkward around Xavi
nahco3: and like, they go on a date and it's fun but Andres is like, in his head the whole time
nahco3: and Xavi is like OH GOD I REALLY LIKE YOU
nahco3: but you are so screwed up.
nahco3: so he calls
nahco3: his college acquaintance
nahco3: XABI ALONSO
nahco3: THERAPIST TO THE STARS
acchikocchi: ADFJLDSJFL;DJFLDSJFDLJLDLFD
nahco3: FOR HELP
nahco3: (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?????)
acchikocchi: THAT WAS SO SMOOTH
nahco3: I KNOWWWW
acchikocchi: very impressive indeed
nahco3: thank you
nahco3: and Xabi is like. well, you could reassure him he's not under any pressure
nahco3: or you could work on ways to make him feel more comfortable.
nahco3: what do you think would be good?
nahco3: and Xavi is reminded
nahco3: why he kind of hates Xabi
nahco3: and his inability to give a straight answer
acchikocchi: am i bad person for taking so much glee in xavi's pain
acchikocchi: because it is hilarious
acchikocchi: FORCED TO HASH OUT HIS FEELINGS IN GREAT DETAIL
acchikocchi: forced to answer questions
nahco3: forced to be talked to
nahco3: in a calming voice
nahco3: WHICH HE KNOWS
nahco3: IS XABI'S THERAPY VOICE
acchikocchi: sdasljslfjkls;djl;sfjdlfjd YES
nahco3: "and how does that make you feel?"
acchikocchi: "MURDEROUS"
nahco3: YES
nahco3: "stop talking like that."
nahco3: "this is how I talk, Xavi."
nahco3: NO IT ISN'T STOP IT
acchikocchi: *rolling around*
nahco3: "from what I'm hearing you say, you're worried Andres is still uncomfortable around you, is that right?"
nahco3: CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING DIRECTLY.
nahco3: "Xavi, this isn't about me, is it?"
nahco3: ARGH.
nahco3: etc
acchikocchi: deep down
acchikocchi: xabi is messing with him
acchikocchi: a little bit
nahco3: obviously
nahco3: I mean, Xavi wants free phone sessions
nahco3: Xabi's gotta get his kicks somewhere
acchikocchi: he's gotta put up with a little teasing
nahco3: yes indeed.
nahco3: but what I really want
nahco3: ngl
nahco3: is Andres and Xavi
acchikocchi: and with xabi it's almost impossible to tell when he's messing with you.
nahco3: great poker face
nahco3: etc
acchikocchi: but you were saying
nahco3: I want
nahco3: Andres to invite Xavi up
nahco3: and freak out about it
nahco3: but not want him to leave either
nahco3: so they platonically sleep together
nahco3: THAT is what I want
nahco3: like burning
acchikocchi: dfasdfjlsafjadssfldjlajfdlfjdlfd
nahco3: TORTURE XAVI WITH UST
acchikocchi: that is perfect for them
acchikocchi: and YES.
nahco3: and Xavi is like, ok we can cuddle
nahco3: and as soon as andres goes to sleep
nahco3: he has to go jerk off
nahco3: and then he feels TERRIBLE
nahco3: he doesnt want to be that guy
nahco3: but he's still that guy
acchikocchi: TOO LATE
nahco3: YES
nahco3: then in the morning
nahco3: Andres is like
nahco3: thanks for being such a good guy
acchikocchi: HAHAHA
nahco3: I've never trusted anyone like this
nahco3: KNIFE IN HIS HEART
acchikocchi: GUIIIIILT
nahco3: YES
nahco3: so Xavi calls Xabi
nahco3: on his way home
nahco3: and Xabi is like
nahco3: not again.
acchikocchi:hee hee.
acchikocchi: the more xavi suffers the more i enjoy it.
....and then we never got Xavi laid, but that's life. You can take it as read that it will happen. someday. XD
this has been tonight's installment of Late Night AU Theater. tune in next time for more with your hosts acchikocchi and nahco3 and their undying fondness for every trope ever written. thank you and good night.