Why I love my mum
There are feelings that can’t be described exactly with words. But I thought my mother would understand, so I did talk to her. And yes, she understood, and we agreed on many things.
We thought it’s not a good thing to try and comfort people who have just lost their beloved ones by our explanation of the loss. Many people are just trying to show their sympathy without sympathizing. Probably we think we’re trying to cheer them up, but actually we may only make them feel more down. One of the last things you will want to hear when you’re in deep sadness is a lecture on theology.
For instance, in the case of my friend who has just lost her baby, words like “God may have better plans for you (or your baby)” or “Mungkin belum dipercaya aja sama Tuhan untuk ngurus bayi” may make her think “So am I not good enough that He won’t give my baby to me? Why doesn’t He trust me?” It is as if we’re stamping them with the words ‘Sorry, God thinks you’re not good enough’.
Perhaps we think “Your baby is in a better place” is a nice thing to say, but that’s not what she needs right now. What people like my friend need is support and time - time to let it all sink in, to face their feelings, because feelings must be faced; they won’t disappear if we just hide them in the closet.
We don’t realise that such ‘comforting’ words are oftentimes more for ourselves than for the sad ones. We may be shocked because of an untimely death or a devastating loss; a question may appear in our minds: “Why do such things happen? God can’t be that cruel and unfair.” So we try to shape an explanation for ourselves, to fit another’s loss and anguish into the frame of our own world view, without really trying to understand what the sorrowful ones are going through.
This does not mean I don’t feel for my friend. I do feel strongly for her. I feel like crying fuck. I love her, and her husband is a dear, dear man too. But I must make sure that my actions and words are to help them feel better, not just to help myself feel better.
What to say then?
Just tell them you love them. That you feel for them. That you pray for them to be strong. That if they need you, you’re there for them.
We thought it’s not a good thing to try and comfort people who have just lost their beloved ones by our explanation of the loss. Many people are just trying to show their sympathy without sympathizing. Probably we think we’re trying to cheer them up, but actually we may only make them feel more down. One of the last things you will want to hear when you’re in deep sadness is a lecture on theology.
For instance, in the case of my friend who has just lost her baby, words like “God may have better plans for you (or your baby)” or “Mungkin belum dipercaya aja sama Tuhan untuk ngurus bayi” may make her think “So am I not good enough that He won’t give my baby to me? Why doesn’t He trust me?” It is as if we’re stamping them with the words ‘Sorry, God thinks you’re not good enough’.
Perhaps we think “Your baby is in a better place” is a nice thing to say, but that’s not what she needs right now. What people like my friend need is support and time - time to let it all sink in, to face their feelings, because feelings must be faced; they won’t disappear if we just hide them in the closet.
We don’t realise that such ‘comforting’ words are oftentimes more for ourselves than for the sad ones. We may be shocked because of an untimely death or a devastating loss; a question may appear in our minds: “Why do such things happen? God can’t be that cruel and unfair.” So we try to shape an explanation for ourselves, to fit another’s loss and anguish into the frame of our own world view, without really trying to understand what the sorrowful ones are going through.
This does not mean I don’t feel for my friend. I do feel strongly for her. I feel like crying fuck. I love her, and her husband is a dear, dear man too. But I must make sure that my actions and words are to help them feel better, not just to help myself feel better.
What to say then?
Just tell them you love them. That you feel for them. That you pray for them to be strong. That if they need you, you’re there for them.