Beautiful Disaster - Chapter 4
Pairing: Jalex, Alex/Flyzik
Summary: Jack and Alex have loved each other for years. After a fatal accident, it has left one boy heartbroken and the other dead.
POV: Alex Gaskarth
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.
A/N: Sorry it's taken so long for an update.
I've been seeing Dr. Davidson since I first opened my eyes in the hospital. She was the first face I saw, peering down at me as I groggily opened my eyes. Both my parents and the doctors tending to me figured it would be best for me to have somebody to talk to. They thought I was seriously messed up and I needed professional help. I guess they were right. Who would have said yes to their suicidal boyfriend for a suicide pact?
Every Thursday at 4:30 PM, I'm forced to sit in her office. It's full of inspirational quotes like, 'positive thinking leads to positive outcomes' or 'that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger'. There are probably about a thousand books that line the wall with titles about abuse, sexuality, coping through hard times, etc etc etc. To be honest, the room actually makes me more depressed every time I step into it.
It doesn't help either that I downright hate my therapist. She always has this tone to her voice, like she's upset with what I say. When she found out about my cutting (thanks to my mother, she caught me one night and instantly called Dr. Davidson) she always gives me this look. Her blue eyes are wide and she shakes her head ever so slightly every time. "So, Alex," she starts. "Have you been... cutting yourself?" It makes me want to crawl into a ball and hide. I always thought therapists were supposed to be supportive. I guess I just got the shitty one. She was probably the only one my parents could afford.
"Alex," she says to me about a millisecond after I sit down for our session. She crosses her legs and tucks a piece of her blond hair behind her ear. "How have you been this week? You're not... cutting?" My therapist raises her eyebrows at me and waits for an answer.
I stay silent.
"O-kaaay," she sighs and leans back a bit. "Is there anything you want to talk about? Something that's been bugging you? I know... Jacks... his, um, anniversary," she struggled to find the words she waned to say. "I know the anniversary of his death is coming up. It must be hard."
I puff air into my cheeks and then blow it out slowly, letting my bangs fly up above my eyebrows. I try to squeeze down into the big arm chair farther than I already am. I hate when she brings up Jack. I mean, yes, I understand that he's the reason I'm here. It's just so hard, her pestering at me about him when all i want to do is forget. I stare at her, a little upset about how she's talking about Jack. She didn't know him, not like I did. I didn't want her to get the idea that it's okay for her to say whatever she thought about him. Especially because she's so judgmental and mean sometimes.
Finally, I shrug. "I've been, well, preoccupied," I admit. I figure if my parents are spending 100 bucks a session, I might as well get something out of it. Besides, I've been kinda wanting to talk about the thing that happened last weekend with Matt with somebody. I just don't have anybody I can trust.
"With what?" Dr. Davidson asks, eagerness full in her voice. Part of me wants to back down, to go back to the silence. The other part of me is almost craving to say the words out loud.
"IkissedMatt," i mumble and cover my mouth with my navy blue sweater sleeve. She just looks at me, her eyebrow slightly raised. "Excuse me?" she asks.
I've mentioned Matt a couple of times. Just casually, when I'm telling a story about Jack or our lives before the accident. He usually just slips up in our conversations and she never pushes it on me. Until now, I guess.
I repeat what I said and wait for a reply, my heart beating fast. "Do you.. have feelings for him?" She asks me slowly, careful not to upset me.
I shake my head quickly. "No. Of course not. I love Jack!" I'm starting to get defensive. This isn't a good sign. "I mean... I don't know... ever since Jack died, I guess I've never really thought I was capable of having feelings for somebody other than him. I think he's the only person I've ever really liked, yaknow? It just seems to weird. I could never do that to Jack. Betray him like that..."
By the time I trail off at the ending, my voice has gotten softer. I'm starting to second guess myself. Dr. Davidson stays quiet and lets me think for a couple of moments. Guilt starts to build into my chest and I suddenly have the urge to cry. This isn't fair to Jack. I shouldn't be happy without him here.
As if she's reading my thoughts from across the room, my therapist lets out a small sigh before talking. "I think, Alex, you're being too hard on yourself. Jack would want you to be happy. You cannot spend the rest of your life thinking 'what if'. You're going to lose so many incredible opportunities in life. It's hard, obviously, letting go of Jack. But it's been almost a year. And I'm almost certain that if Jack was the one alive right now, instead of you, you would hope he was happy."
I stayed quiet and stared at my hands that were placed gently in my lap. I think she's right. Jack would want me to be happy, even if it want with him. To say the least, I'm confused right now. Part of me so badly wants to go back to Matt and feel his lips again but apart of me is worried. What if Matt turns out to be exactly like Jack? What if I get hurt again? I sigh to myself and look back up to the girl staring at me.
"I'm scared," I whisper so quietly, I can barely hear my words. I jump ever so slightly when she replies, I'm surprised she was able to understand my words.
"That's completely normal," she says with a soothing voice. "Jack was your first love. But sometimes, you're not meant to spend the rest of your life with that person." I know she's right.
I sigh and look at her, more confused than I was before I walked in. By the time the two of us are getting up to leave about 15 minutes later, I'm starting to regret opening up to her. The conversation we had makes things a lot more complicated. I'm not really sure what I should do next.
But even so, as I climb into my truck to drive home, I have my phone pulled out. I send a quick text to Matt asking if we can meet up to talk. I throw my phone onto the backseat because I'm too scared and nervous to read the reply. I drive all the way home before I can work up the courage to open my flashing red messages.
Summary: Jack and Alex have loved each other for years. After a fatal accident, it has left one boy heartbroken and the other dead.
POV: Alex Gaskarth
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.
A/N: Sorry it's taken so long for an update.
I've been seeing Dr. Davidson since I first opened my eyes in the hospital. She was the first face I saw, peering down at me as I groggily opened my eyes. Both my parents and the doctors tending to me figured it would be best for me to have somebody to talk to. They thought I was seriously messed up and I needed professional help. I guess they were right. Who would have said yes to their suicidal boyfriend for a suicide pact?
Every Thursday at 4:30 PM, I'm forced to sit in her office. It's full of inspirational quotes like, 'positive thinking leads to positive outcomes' or 'that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger'. There are probably about a thousand books that line the wall with titles about abuse, sexuality, coping through hard times, etc etc etc. To be honest, the room actually makes me more depressed every time I step into it.
It doesn't help either that I downright hate my therapist. She always has this tone to her voice, like she's upset with what I say. When she found out about my cutting (thanks to my mother, she caught me one night and instantly called Dr. Davidson) she always gives me this look. Her blue eyes are wide and she shakes her head ever so slightly every time. "So, Alex," she starts. "Have you been... cutting yourself?" It makes me want to crawl into a ball and hide. I always thought therapists were supposed to be supportive. I guess I just got the shitty one. She was probably the only one my parents could afford.
"Alex," she says to me about a millisecond after I sit down for our session. She crosses her legs and tucks a piece of her blond hair behind her ear. "How have you been this week? You're not... cutting?" My therapist raises her eyebrows at me and waits for an answer.
I stay silent.
"O-kaaay," she sighs and leans back a bit. "Is there anything you want to talk about? Something that's been bugging you? I know... Jacks... his, um, anniversary," she struggled to find the words she waned to say. "I know the anniversary of his death is coming up. It must be hard."
I puff air into my cheeks and then blow it out slowly, letting my bangs fly up above my eyebrows. I try to squeeze down into the big arm chair farther than I already am. I hate when she brings up Jack. I mean, yes, I understand that he's the reason I'm here. It's just so hard, her pestering at me about him when all i want to do is forget. I stare at her, a little upset about how she's talking about Jack. She didn't know him, not like I did. I didn't want her to get the idea that it's okay for her to say whatever she thought about him. Especially because she's so judgmental and mean sometimes.
Finally, I shrug. "I've been, well, preoccupied," I admit. I figure if my parents are spending 100 bucks a session, I might as well get something out of it. Besides, I've been kinda wanting to talk about the thing that happened last weekend with Matt with somebody. I just don't have anybody I can trust.
"With what?" Dr. Davidson asks, eagerness full in her voice. Part of me wants to back down, to go back to the silence. The other part of me is almost craving to say the words out loud.
"IkissedMatt," i mumble and cover my mouth with my navy blue sweater sleeve. She just looks at me, her eyebrow slightly raised. "Excuse me?" she asks.
I've mentioned Matt a couple of times. Just casually, when I'm telling a story about Jack or our lives before the accident. He usually just slips up in our conversations and she never pushes it on me. Until now, I guess.
I repeat what I said and wait for a reply, my heart beating fast. "Do you.. have feelings for him?" She asks me slowly, careful not to upset me.
I shake my head quickly. "No. Of course not. I love Jack!" I'm starting to get defensive. This isn't a good sign. "I mean... I don't know... ever since Jack died, I guess I've never really thought I was capable of having feelings for somebody other than him. I think he's the only person I've ever really liked, yaknow? It just seems to weird. I could never do that to Jack. Betray him like that..."
By the time I trail off at the ending, my voice has gotten softer. I'm starting to second guess myself. Dr. Davidson stays quiet and lets me think for a couple of moments. Guilt starts to build into my chest and I suddenly have the urge to cry. This isn't fair to Jack. I shouldn't be happy without him here.
As if she's reading my thoughts from across the room, my therapist lets out a small sigh before talking. "I think, Alex, you're being too hard on yourself. Jack would want you to be happy. You cannot spend the rest of your life thinking 'what if'. You're going to lose so many incredible opportunities in life. It's hard, obviously, letting go of Jack. But it's been almost a year. And I'm almost certain that if Jack was the one alive right now, instead of you, you would hope he was happy."
I stayed quiet and stared at my hands that were placed gently in my lap. I think she's right. Jack would want me to be happy, even if it want with him. To say the least, I'm confused right now. Part of me so badly wants to go back to Matt and feel his lips again but apart of me is worried. What if Matt turns out to be exactly like Jack? What if I get hurt again? I sigh to myself and look back up to the girl staring at me.
"I'm scared," I whisper so quietly, I can barely hear my words. I jump ever so slightly when she replies, I'm surprised she was able to understand my words.
"That's completely normal," she says with a soothing voice. "Jack was your first love. But sometimes, you're not meant to spend the rest of your life with that person." I know she's right.
I sigh and look at her, more confused than I was before I walked in. By the time the two of us are getting up to leave about 15 minutes later, I'm starting to regret opening up to her. The conversation we had makes things a lot more complicated. I'm not really sure what I should do next.
But even so, as I climb into my truck to drive home, I have my phone pulled out. I send a quick text to Matt asking if we can meet up to talk. I throw my phone onto the backseat because I'm too scared and nervous to read the reply. I drive all the way home before I can work up the courage to open my flashing red messages.