Have Yourself A Merry...
Tonight I sat down to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and write out my Christmas cards.
Charlie Brown - as usual - made me tear up. From the moment Linus steps out on stage and asks very politely for "lights please"...and that spotlight glows on him as he reads those words from Luke...I can feel my breath hitch in my throat. I managed to hold it together tonight, as I was watching the show with my parents and fiance, but it touched me nonetheless.
And I needed it. I really did. I needed to come home, eat pizza, hang out with the people I love most, and sit and watch Charlie Brown. Because I've felt attacked and pressured and generally down for the past few weeks. I've tried to push past it. I've tried to just be me, to get things done, and to plan a way past the stress. But it's pushed at me and pulled at me and poked me one too much times in the gut. On Wednesday night, I broke down into gut-wrenching sobs in my car in the middle of a Wendy's parking lot -- for honestly no apparent reason other than I felt broken.
I've been feeling as though I have no Christmas spirit. This alone is enough to break my heart as Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I enjoy the spirit of giving. I love to watch people this time of year. To smile at people and bring them a joke or a small joy to their day. I love the story of Christ's birth (as we celebrate in my family and is in tune with my personal beliefs), and it has always filled me with such joy and such celebration that I simply have to share it.
But over the years, I've noticed that it's hard to get that joy and celebration back. We dealt with some family losses over the years - right around the holidays - and it took its toll on our family members. For as much joy as the holidays used to bring, they now also bring sorrow - memories of lost loved ones and friends who are hurting and people I can't hug anymore.
It hurts to think about it. Even now as I type it, my eyes are tearing up with the memories and the fresh sting of past pains that are never quite as healed as they should be. And in the midst of all of this, my brain reminds me of the current daily stresses I'm facing - work pressures, personal responsibilities, chores, relationships with friends and family... My brain tells me, "You're not working hard enough. You're a mess. Your life is a mess. You don't spend time with people. You're failing. You're falling."
And then I remember, "Oh, yeah. It's Christmas." But I think first of the presents I have to buy but I can't find at the store. And I think of when am I going to have the time to wrap things and what am I going to get so-and-so and where is all of this money going to come from because - honestly - I didn't get that money-growing tree I asked for last year.
So tonight, I said, "Forget it." And I sat and watched Charlie Brown.
It gave me the heart to sit down next and do my Christmas cards. And I filled out the insides for everyone and addressed them to everyone. And this year, I decided that everyone of my family members needed to get one. I didn't want to leave anyone out. I felt like - in a way - perhaps these little cards would reach the people who really need them, and they could act as a blessing. A gift. The only gift that I can really give to some of these people.
All of these gifts that we're out there buying - I don't want to say they mean nothing because that's not true. But sometimes I feel like I'm being pressured to buy stuff for the sake of just buying stuff. I've never quite understood that concept, nor do I agree with it. But sometimes it just has to be done to follow protocol. But it's the special little things that you don't think of, the things that you sometimes take for granted, that mean the most to me.
A hug from an old friend would mean as much to me as any expensive present you could wrap and put under a tree. Sometimes, an unexpected word from someone is all you need to help cheer your soul and shine a light on the darkness that you've felt trapped under.
So I crawled out from under my darkness, sat on my floor next to my beautifully lit Christmas tree, and I wrote out my cards. I just let the words flow - whatever was meant to be said was said. And I pray that they do what they are meant to do - to bring joy and peace and hope to those who really need it this holiday.
I know I needed it. And I still do. And I guess, in a way, I was trying to give myself a little bit of that joy and peace and hope, too.
And I think I found a little of it.
Charlie Brown - as usual - made me tear up. From the moment Linus steps out on stage and asks very politely for "lights please"...and that spotlight glows on him as he reads those words from Luke...I can feel my breath hitch in my throat. I managed to hold it together tonight, as I was watching the show with my parents and fiance, but it touched me nonetheless.
And I needed it. I really did. I needed to come home, eat pizza, hang out with the people I love most, and sit and watch Charlie Brown. Because I've felt attacked and pressured and generally down for the past few weeks. I've tried to push past it. I've tried to just be me, to get things done, and to plan a way past the stress. But it's pushed at me and pulled at me and poked me one too much times in the gut. On Wednesday night, I broke down into gut-wrenching sobs in my car in the middle of a Wendy's parking lot -- for honestly no apparent reason other than I felt broken.
I've been feeling as though I have no Christmas spirit. This alone is enough to break my heart as Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I enjoy the spirit of giving. I love to watch people this time of year. To smile at people and bring them a joke or a small joy to their day. I love the story of Christ's birth (as we celebrate in my family and is in tune with my personal beliefs), and it has always filled me with such joy and such celebration that I simply have to share it.
But over the years, I've noticed that it's hard to get that joy and celebration back. We dealt with some family losses over the years - right around the holidays - and it took its toll on our family members. For as much joy as the holidays used to bring, they now also bring sorrow - memories of lost loved ones and friends who are hurting and people I can't hug anymore.
It hurts to think about it. Even now as I type it, my eyes are tearing up with the memories and the fresh sting of past pains that are never quite as healed as they should be. And in the midst of all of this, my brain reminds me of the current daily stresses I'm facing - work pressures, personal responsibilities, chores, relationships with friends and family... My brain tells me, "You're not working hard enough. You're a mess. Your life is a mess. You don't spend time with people. You're failing. You're falling."
And then I remember, "Oh, yeah. It's Christmas." But I think first of the presents I have to buy but I can't find at the store. And I think of when am I going to have the time to wrap things and what am I going to get so-and-so and where is all of this money going to come from because - honestly - I didn't get that money-growing tree I asked for last year.
So tonight, I said, "Forget it." And I sat and watched Charlie Brown.
It gave me the heart to sit down next and do my Christmas cards. And I filled out the insides for everyone and addressed them to everyone. And this year, I decided that everyone of my family members needed to get one. I didn't want to leave anyone out. I felt like - in a way - perhaps these little cards would reach the people who really need them, and they could act as a blessing. A gift. The only gift that I can really give to some of these people.
All of these gifts that we're out there buying - I don't want to say they mean nothing because that's not true. But sometimes I feel like I'm being pressured to buy stuff for the sake of just buying stuff. I've never quite understood that concept, nor do I agree with it. But sometimes it just has to be done to follow protocol. But it's the special little things that you don't think of, the things that you sometimes take for granted, that mean the most to me.
A hug from an old friend would mean as much to me as any expensive present you could wrap and put under a tree. Sometimes, an unexpected word from someone is all you need to help cheer your soul and shine a light on the darkness that you've felt trapped under.
So I crawled out from under my darkness, sat on my floor next to my beautifully lit Christmas tree, and I wrote out my cards. I just let the words flow - whatever was meant to be said was said. And I pray that they do what they are meant to do - to bring joy and peace and hope to those who really need it this holiday.
I know I needed it. And I still do. And I guess, in a way, I was trying to give myself a little bit of that joy and peace and hope, too.
And I think I found a little of it.