at wits end...

[acarriga]

so alot of things have been weighing on my mind lately.  so much has been going on that i think i just need to get it out.  i'm going to be honest and i dont care who sees thisor what they think.  i feel like the choices i am making are letting everyone down.  school is becoming a hassel and ive been workign so much, i feel that both are suffering, especially since val has been sick and ive needed to take care of her.  if i choose to go to school, ill be adding more stress in to my life, but i can everyone proud of me...but if i choose not to...im goign to be forwned upon by my parents, my grandparents and anyone else who wants me to go to college.  i just dont think people understand my feeling s on all of this.  especially my parents.  they are still holding my past against me and everytime i try to make amends with them they seem to want remind me of it.  all i want is to right the wrongs.  especially now that my dad is having health problems.  it really hurts to hear that he is having problems with his kidneys and liver and to have my mom say its from its everything hes been put through, basically indirectly stating that i am partly responisble.  growing up i was always very close to him, we did so much together and i miss that.  i see fathers come into the the store with their sons and i see how they interact and i can remember how that felt.  that feeling of comradery, love and bonding.  i almost wonder if they had just left a movie that they had been eagerly anticipating, just like me and my dad used to do. all i want is for him to be proud of me again and for these differences between us to be resolved.  life is way too fucking short to live life like this with all these regrets and guilt.   it kills me how much weve drifted apart.

What sucks is that i feel the same about alot of my friends.  it seems like with every passing day a gap grows.  the only friend i hear from anymore is josh.  almost all of my other friends, whether they be girls or guys seem to have disappeared.  to those who think iom being whiny fuck off.  this is how i feel and what i am seeing.  i dont get calls from anyone just to shoot the shit.  when i call people, theres no answer or no reply to my voice mails.  messages on myspace and facebook go unreplied to.  you spend so many years with people and share so many memories and you think the person you call your best friend will always be at your side...then you graduate.  shit changes and not for the better.  and people who have the potential for great friendships push them away being arrogant little bitches instead of opening their fucking eyes.  those people should know who they are, and if not then are just proving my point.  but i cant be all negative.  because i do have good friends, like josh, jennifer cass and bobby...true i havent seen bobby or jennifer often but the times i have they've been the same to me...just like always.  others i cant really the same about.

i dont know.  theres more that have to say but i dont kn ow how to right now....