direction for the future
interesting. I really like history and want to do more of it, yet it's hardly my strongest subject. definitely the one I am the most interested in, but not my forte. why ah.
martin, david and els had a very thought-provoking conversation (mostly martin) during the history break today, with me hanging behind and hanging on to every word. what do I want to do with my life, really? what do I want? what do I want?
none of us have any idea what we want.
and I have no idea where I want to go. I think, I am too used to living within a structure. too used to having my life mapped out for me, living within the system. I haven't really put much thought into where I'm going to go next, the next step to take once the formal education system has ended, so many, many, many paths to tread. some paths I would never dream of venturing onto, but what if- what if? what if halfway down the path I take, I realise I don't really love it after all and I'm left with a total absence of direction even though I'm facing forward, a sense of emptiness?
not that I seriously think that would happen to me, but the thought does terrify me. what if this sense of dissatisfaction dogs me my entire life? somehow I've always assumed it'll wear off, or leave, sooner or later if I wait it out (as is my mindset when it comes to a lot of things), but what if.
what if I stay boxed up in this tiny world forever? there's more out there, I know there is, but I've no idea how to get to it. this is a very good reason, I think, for wanting to go overseas. for the exposure, the horizon expansion, all those cliches, but it's true. throw me into the deep end, choke down some water, burn my lungs and all, but eventually I'll learn to swim. (this is metaphorical. I can swim.)
I'm turning eighteen in around two months. eighteen's the age the mooring rope's shorn, eighteen's the age I'm technically independent in the eyes of the law and all that. the age of maturity and independence, except I'm so naive and immature and omg how am I going to make my own decisions? I'm not ready for independence. to some extent, I don't even want independence.
I have no idea what I want. I suppose I have some idea, a vague impression of where my interests lie, but beyond that, I'm thoroughly hazy with my ideas of the paths ahead of me. it's like they're clouded in mist. I know they're ahead, I know they're nearby, but I'm not sure what- or where- they are. or where they will lead.
and jobs. career. I wouldn't employ me if I were anyone- I'm so terrified, so incompetent, shying away so easily, timid and shivering and unconfident. No one likes a visible lack of confidence. I'm going to have to work on that, soon.
I do not like this uncertainty. but I suppose it's...an awfully big adventure.
half a year from now, I'm going to look back on this post and grin.
martin, david and els had a very thought-provoking conversation (mostly martin) during the history break today, with me hanging behind and hanging on to every word. what do I want to do with my life, really? what do I want? what do I want?
none of us have any idea what we want.
and I have no idea where I want to go. I think, I am too used to living within a structure. too used to having my life mapped out for me, living within the system. I haven't really put much thought into where I'm going to go next, the next step to take once the formal education system has ended, so many, many, many paths to tread. some paths I would never dream of venturing onto, but what if- what if? what if halfway down the path I take, I realise I don't really love it after all and I'm left with a total absence of direction even though I'm facing forward, a sense of emptiness?
not that I seriously think that would happen to me, but the thought does terrify me. what if this sense of dissatisfaction dogs me my entire life? somehow I've always assumed it'll wear off, or leave, sooner or later if I wait it out (as is my mindset when it comes to a lot of things), but what if.
what if I stay boxed up in this tiny world forever? there's more out there, I know there is, but I've no idea how to get to it. this is a very good reason, I think, for wanting to go overseas. for the exposure, the horizon expansion, all those cliches, but it's true. throw me into the deep end, choke down some water, burn my lungs and all, but eventually I'll learn to swim. (this is metaphorical. I can swim.)
I'm turning eighteen in around two months. eighteen's the age the mooring rope's shorn, eighteen's the age I'm technically independent in the eyes of the law and all that. the age of maturity and independence, except I'm so naive and immature and omg how am I going to make my own decisions? I'm not ready for independence. to some extent, I don't even want independence.
I have no idea what I want. I suppose I have some idea, a vague impression of where my interests lie, but beyond that, I'm thoroughly hazy with my ideas of the paths ahead of me. it's like they're clouded in mist. I know they're ahead, I know they're nearby, but I'm not sure what- or where- they are. or where they will lead.
and jobs. career. I wouldn't employ me if I were anyone- I'm so terrified, so incompetent, shying away so easily, timid and shivering and unconfident. No one likes a visible lack of confidence. I'm going to have to work on that, soon.
I do not like this uncertainty. but I suppose it's...an awfully big adventure.
half a year from now, I'm going to look back on this post and grin.