bitchin'
I wouldn't bother
I'd like to start by saying Alltel's pissed me off twice today, and I'm just in a bad fucking mood.
The older I get, the more judgemental I get. Interestingly, I'm still not any more judgemental than anyone I see around me.
Frankly, I'm a bit tired of the general attitude, but then, I'm a bit tired of everything right now.
There's really no comfort anywhere for me. I live almost more inside my own head nowadays than I did when I was 13. And that's saying quite a bit. I've just a better attitude about it and I don't cling to reclusiveness like a shield anymore. It seems like anytime something begins to show an inkling of going right, three other things go wrong. Sure, that's life, and all, but it's tiresome. Especially when you start hurting a little about everything, and even talking to absolutely anyone about any of it all would just tear open a wound I've been trying to keep covered forever, because everyone's just so damned right and they know and whatever. Because everyone is so sure they know what's going on, know another person SO well, or can pass judgement over a situation.
No one is really innocent, and I'm so sick of dancing a line.
So what happens? Not sure really. But I'm sure I have to get my life straight before I do anything. And I do mean straight. It's easy to guess about what's going on with me, but here it all is... at least most of it-
I do have severe car issues, and I simply won't be getting around much till it's fixed. I have had problems with that car since January, and even taking it the 7 minutes to and from work is terrifying right now. I'm doing what I can. Aside from that, I STILL owe my bank in the neighborhood of 400$, as well as a similar amount to the BRCC Bookstore because said bank was too busy to inform me I had been very overdrawn for a long time (even though I'd been in to the bank several times during that period to deposit checks). Then, there's the doctor's appointment I desperately need because I never had a checkup after removing pre-cancerous cells from my cervix two and a half years ago, and am experiencing symptoms of a lump or growth that doesn't really belong. Wonder how much treatment, whatever that is, will cost.
My job is its own adventure. I'm a hair away from leaving it, but they're a hair away from making me a bartender. It's a double edged sword. Everyone at work but one particular manager (the GM, unfortunately) wants me trained as bartender. For the first time at a job, just about everyone respects me, listens to me, and hell, I have a bit of unspoken power. When I correct someone at work, it's expected, and listened to- and that's an amazing thing to me. Never experienced it before, and I'm still incredibly timid about any form of giving orders. On the other hand, it's a thankless job, with a class of customer generally not worth working with, and the only reason I'm still around is because they're so close to making me bartender, and it could be the break there I need. I may have toleave, though I don't want to, because I like most of my bosses and the people I work with- and that's rare for me.
So that's all that, and between that I've barely had time to keep this house clean. And that's a huge beef with me as well. Adam's not a mess, of course, but I don't relish the fact that if I want to live in a clean house, I have to clean up after a grown fucking man.
Anyway, that's that, and of course, it's a rant, and of course, I can't talk about everything on my mind, nor does anyone want me to.
But, I will say this, constantly living like the mediator in an ongoing arguement is tiring and it hurts. And I don't like having to do it for anybody.
Am I happy? I don't think I've ever really lived in a state of happy. I'm always dissatisfied, no matter what. Human condition, I suppose. I'm as happy as I've ever been. General contentment broken by moments of happiness, pain, whatever. Doesn't mean things aren't changing. Doesn't mean things won't get better. They will- I just have to start making it better myself. I'm always too disheartened to get off my ass and make a change. But I'm trying.