The Wheel Keeps Turning

[acaciatinderbox]

It's the same thoughts, the same thoughts, the same thoughts, the same thoughts. I would like to be able to leave it all behind and become whatever it is I'm supposed to become. Clearly who I thought I was, there's no room for now in the life I have. But the distance between then and now is just so big, so cavernous and dark, I just have no idea how to span it, here, alone. I have no idea. I want to be happy and healthy again, I want to smile and not tug at the anchor that my memories have become, I want to have the grace I used to have, and the strength I used to have, and the lightness I used to have. I miss not worrying about everything: how I look, sound, walk, live, eat, do. I miss that settled feeling I had for a few months, where, no, everything was not perfect, but it was me and I had hope. I miss hope. I miss waking up with hope and having something to look forward to. I miss being excited for the weekends, or a phone call. I miss not feeling lost to myself. I miss being able to cry when it gets to be too much. I wish I could see my life the way it was and have some way of getting back to it, instead of being pushed inexorably farther and farther from it--and toward what? What is waiting on the other side of the development? What am I becoming and what do I do? Will I like who I become? What choice do I have? I wish I didn't have to do this all alone--I wish that request didn't feel like whining. I wish I had made a different decision and been happy with it. I wish I had never left; I wish he had never left me. I wish she could take care of herself. I wish Seattle had tried harder to keep me longer. I wish I could believe that I could be happy--just happy, no strings attached, no set-up for some horrible joke, no fear of payment--just happy, like I was.

I need some good news, like, now.