working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13slybrunetteMay 26 2010, 03:03:00 UTC
It starts slowly enough that it’s barely noticeable.
The baby goes unacknowledged. She tells Cristina it was a false positive. Everyone else that was in the OR was too distracted, memories returning in fragments, and so they never ask. April misses work the first week back, so what she does or doesn’t know doesn’t amount to a whole lot.
It isn’t easy to forget, but with two recovering gunshot victims in her house, along with one mostly freaked out half sister, and a more grueling work schedule - yet another result of so many injuries and so much death -- on top of all that it’s fairly easy to avoid dealing with.
After that, there’s the drinking. She spends late nights in the bar with Cristina, still confused over the Owen and Teddy situation, the fact that Owen claims he already made his choice notwithstanding, and, later, late nights with Alex at home when he stops trying to mix pain medication with alcohol (and, yes, once when he didn’t) and just drops the vicodin altogether. Between the three of them, they empty half of her liquor cabinet in a too short amount of time, and it’s not long before she’s plying Lexie with the stuff, if only to get her to stop with the constant apologies and barrage of excuses; supposedly, according to her, this whole thing is her fault, and there’s no version of Meredith in the then or the now that knows how to fix that.
“Just like old times,” Cristina half-laughs around the rim of her glass, and Meredith’s stomach twists funny.
Her and Derek fight a lot after. They have setbacks that have nothing at all to do with wounds that take forever to heal. He can’t grapple with no longer being Chief, has a hard time adjusting, still has issues with Richard at the helm - six months sober, ten by the time things get really heated, or not - and she still defends him. The blueprints for the house end up in a drawer next to the bed and every time he brings it up, she counters with not knowing what to do with the house and the fact that she can’t just sell it and kick Alex and Lexie out.
It gets ugly. There’s a straight week in February where he stays nights in his trailer and she cleans house without actually getting rid of anything; Izzie’s stuff stays in Izzie’s old room and there’s still George’s stuff in the attic, the stuff that his mother didn’t collect, and she talks about repainting the living room.
She talks about staying in place, a lot. Planning for the future just doesn’t make as much sense, in her mind, when she’s seen where the plans of those who died got them. She’s sure Reed and Charles had them. She’s sure all of those doctors turned nameless bodies in the morgue had them too. Hell, it’s not just the shooting. She’s sure Alex had plans for him and Izzie, voiced or not, and now he fucks her sister and pretends that this is going somewhere good fast.
Dr. Wyatt - because god knows they were all herded into her office at some point after the shooting - calls it regression. Meredith shakes her head and reminds her of all the good her advice did for Owen, all the good it’s surely done for the stricken people who walk these halls on a daily basis.
Meredith likes what she has here and now. She’d rather not fight for the concepts of more or better when it might not get her anywhere at all.
Re: working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13citron_presseMay 26 2010, 05:03:21 UTC
God, this is heartrending, but so real and so very well done. There's a kind of bottom-line clarity during a traumatic event; but then there's the fallout when you get back to routine, and you portray that with so much insight here.
Every word is beautifully written, but this line
Planning for the future just doesn’t make as much sense, in her mind, when she’s seen where the plans of those who died got them.
did something so bleak to me. So sad, so inevitable, really. I wonder if this is how it will happen on the show?
Awesome work.
(Also - if you're in the mood for a request, I would love to see what you'd do with a fic that showed each character in their obligatory session(s) with Dr. Wyatt.)
Re: working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13slybrunetteMay 26 2010, 12:20:53 UTC
I don't think it will happen on the show. I think there's too many fans who would bitch and complain because they wouldn't understand and I don't think these writers are that brave. But I did feel this odd sense of wondering, you know, how can these characters really ever be fully the same again?
Your request made me lol. You know why? It's the first story idea I jotted down post finale. I'm already working on that exact fic. Great minds huh?
Re: working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13abvjMay 26 2010, 17:21:29 UTC
This is exactly what I wanted and exactly what I think would happen on the show if it were actually at the helm of good writers. You can't go back from traumatic events such as this and you portray that here beautifully.
Of course I also love the Cristina-Mer-Alex dynamic going on there because you write it so well and it is one of my favorite parts about that show.
Re: working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13slybrunetteMay 26 2010, 19:29:02 UTC
We, of course, know she'll still be whole and healed. It would be too much of a risk for them to bother deviating from that, and they probably would miss the point by a mile anyway. [/rant]
The Cristina-Mer-Alex thing is probably my actual favorite part of the show; it seems like no matter what I write these days, it finds it's way in.
Re: working on my backwards walk - meredith, pg-13violet1979May 26 2010, 19:55:50 UTC
Awesome insight into Meredith's trauma, and I really enjoyed the incidental insight into the true extent of Lexie's trauma, as well. It's all so sad, and I really have no idea "how to fix that", too.
The baby goes unacknowledged. She tells Cristina it was a false positive. Everyone else that was in the OR was too distracted, memories returning in fragments, and so they never ask. April misses work the first week back, so what she does or doesn’t know doesn’t amount to a whole lot.
It isn’t easy to forget, but with two recovering gunshot victims in her house, along with one mostly freaked out half sister, and a more grueling work schedule - yet another result of so many injuries and so much death -- on top of all that it’s fairly easy to avoid dealing with.
After that, there’s the drinking. She spends late nights in the bar with Cristina, still confused over the Owen and Teddy situation, the fact that Owen claims he already made his choice notwithstanding, and, later, late nights with Alex at home when he stops trying to mix pain medication with alcohol (and, yes, once when he didn’t) and just drops the vicodin altogether. Between the three of them, they empty half of her liquor cabinet in a too short amount of time, and it’s not long before she’s plying Lexie with the stuff, if only to get her to stop with the constant apologies and barrage of excuses; supposedly, according to her, this whole thing is her fault, and there’s no version of Meredith in the then or the now that knows how to fix that.
“Just like old times,” Cristina half-laughs around the rim of her glass, and Meredith’s stomach twists funny.
Her and Derek fight a lot after. They have setbacks that have nothing at all to do with wounds that take forever to heal. He can’t grapple with no longer being Chief, has a hard time adjusting, still has issues with Richard at the helm - six months sober, ten by the time things get really heated, or not - and she still defends him. The blueprints for the house end up in a drawer next to the bed and every time he brings it up, she counters with not knowing what to do with the house and the fact that she can’t just sell it and kick Alex and Lexie out.
It gets ugly. There’s a straight week in February where he stays nights in his trailer and she cleans house without actually getting rid of anything; Izzie’s stuff stays in Izzie’s old room and there’s still George’s stuff in the attic, the stuff that his mother didn’t collect, and she talks about repainting the living room.
She talks about staying in place, a lot. Planning for the future just doesn’t make as much sense, in her mind, when she’s seen where the plans of those who died got them. She’s sure Reed and Charles had them. She’s sure all of those doctors turned nameless bodies in the morgue had them too. Hell, it’s not just the shooting. She’s sure Alex had plans for him and Izzie, voiced or not, and now he fucks her sister and pretends that this is going somewhere good fast.
Dr. Wyatt - because god knows they were all herded into her office at some point after the shooting - calls it regression. Meredith shakes her head and reminds her of all the good her advice did for Owen, all the good it’s surely done for the stricken people who walk these halls on a daily basis.
Meredith likes what she has here and now. She’d rather not fight for the concepts of more or better when it might not get her anywhere at all.
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Every word is beautifully written, but this line
Planning for the future just doesn’t make as much sense, in her mind, when she’s seen where the plans of those who died got them.
did something so bleak to me. So sad, so inevitable, really. I wonder if this is how it will happen on the show?
Awesome work.
(Also - if you're in the mood for a request, I would love to see what you'd do with a fic that showed each character in their obligatory session(s) with Dr. Wyatt.)
Reply
Your request made me lol. You know why? It's the first story idea I jotted down post finale. I'm already working on that exact fic. Great minds huh?
I'm glad you liked this hun! Thanks!
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Of course I also love the Cristina-Mer-Alex dynamic going on there because you write it so well and it is one of my favorite parts about that show.
Great job!
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The Cristina-Mer-Alex thing is probably my actual favorite part of the show; it seems like no matter what I write these days, it finds it's way in.
I'm glad you liked this hun! Thanks!
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I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
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