(no subject)
It was a day like any other day. Not bad but not good. Typical for me lately.
The book came about 3-4 days ago. i have pushed off reading it. Knowing that i am procrastinating reading it. Feeling like it would be like every other self-help bullshit book i have read. Blah, Blah, Blah. Making excuses. "i am too busy. Too much going on". "It wont help so why bother". You know the drill. What book, you ask? The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. Ruth suggested it. i found it on Ebay for really cheap so i bought it. Not with a lot of hope.
So i have put off reading it. Today i was going to my Sisters to await a refrigerator and i would have a lot of down time so i grabbed the book as i headed out the door. Not thinking. Just for something to do. i had my appt. with Ruth today. i could tell her i had started to read it.
My nephew was sick so we had to go to his school and pick him up. As i sat in the car waiting for them to come out of the school, i picked up the book. Began reading the preface. The first author, Ellen Bass, (not a sexual abuse survivor, but a partner to one) had done therapy with survivors. Yada. Yada. Yada. Nothing new there. Rolling my eyes. Nothing new here. Same old bullshit.
Then i began to read the intro from the second author, Laura Davis. She was a survivor. As i read i became more and more tearful. She begins by talking about a day she called her partner, letting the phone ring, begging her to pick up the phone so she could hear she was going to be OK. If she didnt hear that she wouldnt make it through the day. Finally she answers and she begins to talk rapidly. See excerpt below.
I remember calling Ellen one day a few months ago, after I'd first remembered the incest. I counted the rings--two, three, four--she had to be home! Five, six, seven--if I didn't talk to her right now, I knew I couldn't last through the afternoon. Eight, nine, ten--well, maybe she was outside folding the laundry and was just slow getting to the phone. Eleven, twelve, thirteen--I cannot stand another moment of this pain. My heart hurts and I can't take anymore. Fourteen, fifteen...
"Hello, this is Ellen," she said, cheery and calm.
"Ellen, this is Laura. Look you've got to tell me just one thing. Will I ever get through this? Is there ever an end? I can't take it anymore, and if you'll just tell me I can get to the otherside, I'm sure I can last through the week." I was talking fast, my sentences piling up on each other.
"Hello, Laura. I'm glad you called." Her voice was smooth, reassuring. "And yes, you can make it. Healing is possible. You're already well on your way."
"Well on my way? How can you say that? I can't sleep and when I do, it's all I dream about. Every child I see on the street reminds me of incest. I can't make love, I can't eat, my whole body feels like a giant piece of rubber. I'm crying all the time. My whole life is flash backs, going to therapy, and talking about incest. Half of the time I don't even believe it happened, and the other half I'm sure it was my fault."
The tears are falling freely now. OH MY GOD, there it was. How i have been feeling for the last weeks. How true. That one sewntence i bolded. How those words burned inside me making me feel numb and pain at the same time. This is the one. i am crying as i read. My sister returns to the car and immediatly wants to know what happened. All i could do was hand her the book and tell her to read. She did and understood where the tears came from. She has seen me at my worst.
Slowly i put the book away. Not today. i had to much to deal with. i didnt have the time.
Off to her house where i had to leave almost immediately to make it to see Ruth. In the session today, i was in avoidance mode....talking about everything that was just total "BULLSHIT". Staying away from the harder issues.
5 minutes left. i almost made it. She comments "You seem less tearful today.
i smile and give a little laugh and say,"i already had my cry for the day" as i am gathering my things, a sigh of relief leaving me. We were out of time. She doesnt move.
"Why" she asks.
DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. i almost got out with only a tear or 2. So i begin to tell her about the book. The connection i made. Again i begin to cry. Hard sobbing cries. i hate to cry in front of people. i so FUCKING hate showing that weakness. But, there it is.
Her voice softens as she tells me this is normal. Survivors go through these feelings. They are a normal reaction. She tells me to set the book aside. Not to read it for a day or 2. Process the tears. Process the pain. Process the feelings. That this is not a book you read from front to back in one setting. That it is done in sections or maybe even pages. That there will be times i may not make it through an entire page before i have to set it down and process.
But i want to read it. i want to absorb everything i can from it. i want to learn to deal. i want a day without tears. A day without sadness. A day to feel "whole", not used and unworthy. A day where i have normal relationships and find that i am happy. Where i look up and think to myself "Damn, i'm happy". Just one shining moment of contentment. i want a quick fix for something that cant be quickly fixed. And again....i have to move more slowly. To take time to process. There are so many days i wish i had never started this path. It would have passed i am sure. i could have pushed it down. i could have coped or at least dealt with it in my own way...through avoidance. And then there are days, where i do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today, for all the tears and emotional outburst....i did see the light.
chrissie out
The book came about 3-4 days ago. i have pushed off reading it. Knowing that i am procrastinating reading it. Feeling like it would be like every other self-help bullshit book i have read. Blah, Blah, Blah. Making excuses. "i am too busy. Too much going on". "It wont help so why bother". You know the drill. What book, you ask? The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. Ruth suggested it. i found it on Ebay for really cheap so i bought it. Not with a lot of hope.
So i have put off reading it. Today i was going to my Sisters to await a refrigerator and i would have a lot of down time so i grabbed the book as i headed out the door. Not thinking. Just for something to do. i had my appt. with Ruth today. i could tell her i had started to read it.
My nephew was sick so we had to go to his school and pick him up. As i sat in the car waiting for them to come out of the school, i picked up the book. Began reading the preface. The first author, Ellen Bass, (not a sexual abuse survivor, but a partner to one) had done therapy with survivors. Yada. Yada. Yada. Nothing new there. Rolling my eyes. Nothing new here. Same old bullshit.
Then i began to read the intro from the second author, Laura Davis. She was a survivor. As i read i became more and more tearful. She begins by talking about a day she called her partner, letting the phone ring, begging her to pick up the phone so she could hear she was going to be OK. If she didnt hear that she wouldnt make it through the day. Finally she answers and she begins to talk rapidly. See excerpt below.
I remember calling Ellen one day a few months ago, after I'd first remembered the incest. I counted the rings--two, three, four--she had to be home! Five, six, seven--if I didn't talk to her right now, I knew I couldn't last through the afternoon. Eight, nine, ten--well, maybe she was outside folding the laundry and was just slow getting to the phone. Eleven, twelve, thirteen--I cannot stand another moment of this pain. My heart hurts and I can't take anymore. Fourteen, fifteen...
"Hello, this is Ellen," she said, cheery and calm.
"Ellen, this is Laura. Look you've got to tell me just one thing. Will I ever get through this? Is there ever an end? I can't take it anymore, and if you'll just tell me I can get to the otherside, I'm sure I can last through the week." I was talking fast, my sentences piling up on each other.
"Hello, Laura. I'm glad you called." Her voice was smooth, reassuring. "And yes, you can make it. Healing is possible. You're already well on your way."
"Well on my way? How can you say that? I can't sleep and when I do, it's all I dream about. Every child I see on the street reminds me of incest. I can't make love, I can't eat, my whole body feels like a giant piece of rubber. I'm crying all the time. My whole life is flash backs, going to therapy, and talking about incest. Half of the time I don't even believe it happened, and the other half I'm sure it was my fault."
The tears are falling freely now. OH MY GOD, there it was. How i have been feeling for the last weeks. How true. That one sewntence i bolded. How those words burned inside me making me feel numb and pain at the same time. This is the one. i am crying as i read. My sister returns to the car and immediatly wants to know what happened. All i could do was hand her the book and tell her to read. She did and understood where the tears came from. She has seen me at my worst.
Slowly i put the book away. Not today. i had to much to deal with. i didnt have the time.
Off to her house where i had to leave almost immediately to make it to see Ruth. In the session today, i was in avoidance mode....talking about everything that was just total "BULLSHIT". Staying away from the harder issues.
5 minutes left. i almost made it. She comments "You seem less tearful today.
i smile and give a little laugh and say,"i already had my cry for the day" as i am gathering my things, a sigh of relief leaving me. We were out of time. She doesnt move.
"Why" she asks.
DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. i almost got out with only a tear or 2. So i begin to tell her about the book. The connection i made. Again i begin to cry. Hard sobbing cries. i hate to cry in front of people. i so FUCKING hate showing that weakness. But, there it is.
Her voice softens as she tells me this is normal. Survivors go through these feelings. They are a normal reaction. She tells me to set the book aside. Not to read it for a day or 2. Process the tears. Process the pain. Process the feelings. That this is not a book you read from front to back in one setting. That it is done in sections or maybe even pages. That there will be times i may not make it through an entire page before i have to set it down and process.
But i want to read it. i want to absorb everything i can from it. i want to learn to deal. i want a day without tears. A day without sadness. A day to feel "whole", not used and unworthy. A day where i have normal relationships and find that i am happy. Where i look up and think to myself "Damn, i'm happy". Just one shining moment of contentment. i want a quick fix for something that cant be quickly fixed. And again....i have to move more slowly. To take time to process. There are so many days i wish i had never started this path. It would have passed i am sure. i could have pushed it down. i could have coped or at least dealt with it in my own way...through avoidance. And then there are days, where i do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today, for all the tears and emotional outburst....i did see the light.
chrissie out