(no subject)
there's not a day that goes by this past year that i dont think about my abuse
i've also been actually dealing with it..somewhat. i dont know how one really deals with it. i guess everyone deals with it one way or the other as soon as it happens
but anyways
i'm going home for christmas
haven't been home in a year
and i'm sure i'll get rediculed for one thing or another.
however part of me is so tempted to just tell them all what crap i've been through
b/c none of the know but my sister and grandma. and i told my grandma just to shut her up one day
i'm just so tired of being judged by my family, when they don't even know who and what i've become (i've been away from them for 6 years, age 18-24) and they assume they know me. it drives me insane.
i haven't posted but once in here.
in short, my older step brother molested me when i was 9 and 10. while at the same time i was used i guess u could say by 2 neighbor boys for their entertainment. i never told anyone until 3 years ago (i'm 24 now) but during my early teen years i think i acted out in a twisted manner. i drew notebooks upon notebooks of pornographic images and would burn them all in piles. i think that's why it's hard for me to keep sketchbooks even for my art classes now. my grandma always talked about her abuse. she talked about it one day and i just got so sick of it i said "well i was abused too". she thinks it doesn't count for me b/c it was a step brother. brothers will do that sort of thing. she doens't see her brothers doing it to her as a horrible thing. i dont think she wants to blame them. but at any rate. she doesn't understand me at all. she doesn't see how i can not let my boyfriend touch me. if i loved him enuf, it wouldn't matter what happened in the past. can u believe that? whatever.
anyways...so now i'm actually telling people and i feel like telling the world. anyone know how i feel?
i've also been actually dealing with it..somewhat. i dont know how one really deals with it. i guess everyone deals with it one way or the other as soon as it happens
but anyways
i'm going home for christmas
haven't been home in a year
and i'm sure i'll get rediculed for one thing or another.
however part of me is so tempted to just tell them all what crap i've been through
b/c none of the know but my sister and grandma. and i told my grandma just to shut her up one day
i'm just so tired of being judged by my family, when they don't even know who and what i've become (i've been away from them for 6 years, age 18-24) and they assume they know me. it drives me insane.
i haven't posted but once in here.
in short, my older step brother molested me when i was 9 and 10. while at the same time i was used i guess u could say by 2 neighbor boys for their entertainment. i never told anyone until 3 years ago (i'm 24 now) but during my early teen years i think i acted out in a twisted manner. i drew notebooks upon notebooks of pornographic images and would burn them all in piles. i think that's why it's hard for me to keep sketchbooks even for my art classes now. my grandma always talked about her abuse. she talked about it one day and i just got so sick of it i said "well i was abused too". she thinks it doesn't count for me b/c it was a step brother. brothers will do that sort of thing. she doens't see her brothers doing it to her as a horrible thing. i dont think she wants to blame them. but at any rate. she doesn't understand me at all. she doesn't see how i can not let my boyfriend touch me. if i loved him enuf, it wouldn't matter what happened in the past. can u believe that? whatever.
anyways...so now i'm actually telling people and i feel like telling the world. anyone know how i feel?