I don't know if any of this is normal...
I just need to get it all out at the moment.
I have really weird reactions to things.
Sometimes when I'm curled up in bed I can't have my back to the room; I can't see what's behind me, so something might get me from behind. Also my private parts are safe from the front when my legs are curled up, but there's still access from behind and it makes me panicky.
Sometimes, though, I have to have my back to the room; someone hurting my back will do less serious damage than hurting my front. It's also like turning my back on the world and pretending nothing exists.
I also have the problem of wanting my bedroom door closed so I can cut myself off, but part of me wants it open so there's a feeling of my housemates nearby if I need them, but at the same time I feel I can't go to them. I haven't told them yet, and when I'm feeling bad all I want is my boyfriend. But a part of me wants to tell them so I have someone else to lean on.
I also feel cold when I'm crying.. I shiver from fear, but I feel cold too, even sitting next to the radiator.
And always there's that feeling of being unclean.
I want to go and have a shower.
But when I get out of the shower I'll want to go and have another.
It's really difficult having part of me want one thing and part of me want another.
It confuses me more than I am already and makes this harder to deal with.
Sometimes I just wish I could forget it all again.
I have really weird reactions to things.
Sometimes when I'm curled up in bed I can't have my back to the room; I can't see what's behind me, so something might get me from behind. Also my private parts are safe from the front when my legs are curled up, but there's still access from behind and it makes me panicky.
Sometimes, though, I have to have my back to the room; someone hurting my back will do less serious damage than hurting my front. It's also like turning my back on the world and pretending nothing exists.
I also have the problem of wanting my bedroom door closed so I can cut myself off, but part of me wants it open so there's a feeling of my housemates nearby if I need them, but at the same time I feel I can't go to them. I haven't told them yet, and when I'm feeling bad all I want is my boyfriend. But a part of me wants to tell them so I have someone else to lean on.
I also feel cold when I'm crying.. I shiver from fear, but I feel cold too, even sitting next to the radiator.
And always there's that feeling of being unclean.
I want to go and have a shower.
But when I get out of the shower I'll want to go and have another.
It's really difficult having part of me want one thing and part of me want another.
It confuses me more than I am already and makes this harder to deal with.
Sometimes I just wish I could forget it all again.