What We Are / What We Were
I recently found myself back here after a long hiatus. It was frozen in time: 2013. That made me sad. This has always been an important forum for us to use our voices, some for the first time, in a show of solidarity against our abusers who would see us silenced.
This is not a political post, but I need to share my experience of the past four years. When Trump (herein referred to as "the former guy") was elected, in my eyes he became a living, breathing version of Andy, the man who molested me as a child. It is completely irrational, but it didn't stop me from having intense emotions.
There is a part of me that is a child liked in a cage. He is filled with rage and he wants to come out, but when he does, he wreaks havoc on my life. Case in point, over the past four years there were several instances where he took control and texted my sister (who is a supporter of the former guy) because he needed someone to take out his rage/anger/frustration/despair. I didn't realize it for a long time that was what was happening--largely because I was so distraught over the whole situation with the former guy (I'm gay and now married to an immigrant).
I completed eight years of therapy, feeling like I somehow won--I beat Andy, I came out on top. But now, here was this part of myself that I thought I had laid to rest, for good, coming back from the proverbial grave to wreak havoc another day. Needless to say, it did a number on me emotionally and psychologically. I even returned to my therapist a few times to check-in.
There's much more to this story that I can share, but for now I'm curious if anyone else had an experience like this, whether with the former guy or anyone else, where your abuser, once gone, had returned.
Thank you for listening.
Jim