Sweetheart.
so it's been a while since I wrote in this thing.
a lot has happened. some bad. some good.
but all the ways I need to grow up seem to not be occurring.
I know how I need to change but I simply don't change.
I will never let go. In some way or another I can' t let go of people.
I finally stopped intensely caring about Collin about a month ago and it was absolutely fantastic knowing what feelings I once had were gone. Unfortunately for me I got sucked back into his life and now I am one of his friends. UGH! Because I am so god damn nice to everyone I get complimented. For me if you reject me, you can never compliment me. ever. NEVER EVER. It drives me INSANE. Of course he calls me a, "sweetheart."
One word caused so much insanity with me. I should just take a compliment but nope. can't do it. I am so self deprecating I can't take anything.
This other douche bag in my like who is pretty much the carbon copy of Collin (go me, right? always chooses winners) does the same thing. He compliments me after choosing another guy over me and I go ballistic. I like to know I was rejected for flaws not qualities, because then it makes me think my flaws are my qualities and I get really confused. So confused I have to resort to writing in my livejournal on the word SWEETHEART.
Another flaw in my life. My denial of love but my constant pursuit of something, someone. I fucking whore myself off for fulfillment. I mean I feel so god damn empty and I know that I should just not look for a filler via other people because I am in no state to have anything with anyone but I still do it anyways. Maybe this is why fagots are sluts. I mean it makes perfect sense. We all feel empty because none of us feel love so we fuck someone and leave them on the side of the road to find someone to do it to us just so we can be more self deprecating then before. How fan-fucking-tastic!
Nothing pleases em anymore. No one pleases me. I am just being this incredibly emo bitch and it's pissing me off because I want to be happy. I'd like to know the way. Either I am too stubborn to take the route (let alone realize which one to take) or I honestly don't know.
Part of me thinks I should just tell everyone what I think about them. How much hatred and loathing I have for every gay person in my life (with the exception of Aaron and a select few others) I'd love to tell Collin, Eric, Cade and the whole rainbow queer force that when I talk or think of them, I want to vomit. Vomit all over the fucking world. I mean Jesus fucking Christ, if your kindness repulses me you must be pretty repulsive in the first place. I envy Collin though. He feels nothing towards so many gay people but loathing even before he meets them. Where I am this sweet as sugar adorable boy that gives everyone a chance. It makes me want to vomit. I mean seriously, why the fuck do I just not tell people how I feel? What am I afraid of? losing their friendship?? I think I am terrified of having people extracted from my life forever. Hell I started talking to Horia again. The longest I had ever blocked someone out of my life and didn't let them effect me anymore, and now we're friends again (which I am happy for) but it just reestablishes my frustration.
Not everyone can be my friend and yet I act like I should at least try. Some people would say having the kindness and acceptance of giving people so many chances is so generous, positive and respectable. I say, "fuck you, I'd rather be a bitch."
but alas, I can't.
Is that my biggest fear? Being a bitch??
I think it's probably more of my fear of being a burden.
I mean I could be crying my eyes out in pain and thinking about killing myself and I will sit there thinking, "should I call them? they're probably too busy for me. I won't..." What the hell??? Who thinks like that? Other then me of course.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know what, I think I am going to make two lists. One of all my flaws, and one of all my qualities
flaws:
lazy, stubborn, clingy, too kind, bipolar, my teeth, my hairiness, my dick, my urge to gossip, how gay I am, my despising of my parents for no good reason, hatred of religion, inability to form political opinion, excessive spending especially on musicals and dvds, my sex drive, the idea I can fulfill my needs through sex, my inability to spell fulfill right even now and having to go back and fix the red underlined word,porn and masturbation addiction, the fact I even care about that, how I act smarter then what I am, the fact I don't read or do homework, try to turn guys gay, my smoking, my excessive drinking and swearing, my shallowness, inability to speak up
qualities:
kind, intelligent in regards to theatre and film, good directing ability,funny, romantic, my hair, eyes, mouth, skin, body, build for being a dancer, my decent vocal ability, my love of learning, my maternal instinct and concern for all people, my belief in karma, feeling guilty, forgiving, tolerant, creative, honest, bright, cheerful to others, my perfectionist qualities, my commitment, good taste in music, movies, books, plays, food, and clothing, my respect for everyone, my non-judgmental nature on first impressions, my ability to help and understand people, my smile, the fight in me, my politeness, my bravery, curiosity, imaginative, open mindedness, hardworking, my drive, efficient and effective
maybe as I think of more I'll add to this list.maybe not. all I know is now I feel better.
a lot has happened. some bad. some good.
but all the ways I need to grow up seem to not be occurring.
I know how I need to change but I simply don't change.
I will never let go. In some way or another I can' t let go of people.
I finally stopped intensely caring about Collin about a month ago and it was absolutely fantastic knowing what feelings I once had were gone. Unfortunately for me I got sucked back into his life and now I am one of his friends. UGH! Because I am so god damn nice to everyone I get complimented. For me if you reject me, you can never compliment me. ever. NEVER EVER. It drives me INSANE. Of course he calls me a, "sweetheart."
One word caused so much insanity with me. I should just take a compliment but nope. can't do it. I am so self deprecating I can't take anything.
This other douche bag in my like who is pretty much the carbon copy of Collin (go me, right? always chooses winners) does the same thing. He compliments me after choosing another guy over me and I go ballistic. I like to know I was rejected for flaws not qualities, because then it makes me think my flaws are my qualities and I get really confused. So confused I have to resort to writing in my livejournal on the word SWEETHEART.
Another flaw in my life. My denial of love but my constant pursuit of something, someone. I fucking whore myself off for fulfillment. I mean I feel so god damn empty and I know that I should just not look for a filler via other people because I am in no state to have anything with anyone but I still do it anyways. Maybe this is why fagots are sluts. I mean it makes perfect sense. We all feel empty because none of us feel love so we fuck someone and leave them on the side of the road to find someone to do it to us just so we can be more self deprecating then before. How fan-fucking-tastic!
Nothing pleases em anymore. No one pleases me. I am just being this incredibly emo bitch and it's pissing me off because I want to be happy. I'd like to know the way. Either I am too stubborn to take the route (let alone realize which one to take) or I honestly don't know.
Part of me thinks I should just tell everyone what I think about them. How much hatred and loathing I have for every gay person in my life (with the exception of Aaron and a select few others) I'd love to tell Collin, Eric, Cade and the whole rainbow queer force that when I talk or think of them, I want to vomit. Vomit all over the fucking world. I mean Jesus fucking Christ, if your kindness repulses me you must be pretty repulsive in the first place. I envy Collin though. He feels nothing towards so many gay people but loathing even before he meets them. Where I am this sweet as sugar adorable boy that gives everyone a chance. It makes me want to vomit. I mean seriously, why the fuck do I just not tell people how I feel? What am I afraid of? losing their friendship?? I think I am terrified of having people extracted from my life forever. Hell I started talking to Horia again. The longest I had ever blocked someone out of my life and didn't let them effect me anymore, and now we're friends again (which I am happy for) but it just reestablishes my frustration.
Not everyone can be my friend and yet I act like I should at least try. Some people would say having the kindness and acceptance of giving people so many chances is so generous, positive and respectable. I say, "fuck you, I'd rather be a bitch."
but alas, I can't.
Is that my biggest fear? Being a bitch??
I think it's probably more of my fear of being a burden.
I mean I could be crying my eyes out in pain and thinking about killing myself and I will sit there thinking, "should I call them? they're probably too busy for me. I won't..." What the hell??? Who thinks like that? Other then me of course.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know what, I think I am going to make two lists. One of all my flaws, and one of all my qualities
flaws:
lazy, stubborn, clingy, too kind, bipolar, my teeth, my hairiness, my dick, my urge to gossip, how gay I am, my despising of my parents for no good reason, hatred of religion, inability to form political opinion, excessive spending especially on musicals and dvds, my sex drive, the idea I can fulfill my needs through sex, my inability to spell fulfill right even now and having to go back and fix the red underlined word,porn and masturbation addiction, the fact I even care about that, how I act smarter then what I am, the fact I don't read or do homework, try to turn guys gay, my smoking, my excessive drinking and swearing, my shallowness, inability to speak up
qualities:
kind, intelligent in regards to theatre and film, good directing ability,funny, romantic, my hair, eyes, mouth, skin, body, build for being a dancer, my decent vocal ability, my love of learning, my maternal instinct and concern for all people, my belief in karma, feeling guilty, forgiving, tolerant, creative, honest, bright, cheerful to others, my perfectionist qualities, my commitment, good taste in music, movies, books, plays, food, and clothing, my respect for everyone, my non-judgmental nature on first impressions, my ability to help and understand people, my smile, the fight in me, my politeness, my bravery, curiosity, imaginative, open mindedness, hardworking, my drive, efficient and effective
maybe as I think of more I'll add to this list.maybe not. all I know is now I feel better.