(no subject)
Last week I was in a very bad mood. If youve read my previous journal entry to this one, you'd know what I mean. Ive still got a bit of resentment inside about the whole situation, but Im trying to deal with it.
Christmas to me is a very important holiday. It has also matured into more than a gift-giving and turkey holiday. I dont need gifts nor turkey, but I need to be with my favourite people on that day. To me, its a reason to celebrate and recognize the joys in our lives. Our families, our friendships, our accomplishments, even our failures. I love being in a room with all my favourite people, and for one day we all have an open acceptedness of each other. My family is incredibly broken, and for us to gather in one room is often hard to do both physically and psychologically, yet we still do it. And its wonderful. I wouldnt give up a single christmas for a million halloweens, new years and thanksgivings combined.
Being born on christmas day makes me take the holiday very seriously. As I was telling Joel among a face full of tears last week, if I dont get a christmas, then I dont get a birthday either. Maybe its a little selfish of me, but I think that we should all have a day where we are recognized as being special. December 25th just happens to be that day for me. And when I was told that we have no plans for christmas day, no celebrations, and that in fact it's been decided that "we" are not doing christmas this year, I completely broke down. Because christmas is all Ive got. And I wasnt willing to spend my 30th birthday alone, nor with a group of people who were going to treat the day like any other. And for this I was upset.
Its nearly a week later, and Ive done alot of thinking about this. Some of my soul searching has composed of me trying to figure out why christmas is so special. Maybe I could ignore the holiday for one season? But I know deep down that I can't. If you know me in real life, you know that I love any reason for celebration, any little excuse to make one day different from all the others. So I cant do it, I cannot ignore christmas. After this realization, I spoke to Joel about it. I explained to him how important this day and the entire holiday is to me. And I told him that if he wants to continue to be with me in this life, he's going to have to understand that for me, christmas brings great joy. I think I might have actually gotten through to him, which is incredible. We even have small little plans for christmas day now! We will be spending the morning at Joel's parents, and although there will be no tree or turkey, we will be exchanging little gifts, something for no more than ten dollars, purchased second hand. And I like this idea!
In the evening we will visit my family for a few hours. I dont think there will be turkey, as my family is vegetarian. Nor are we exchanging presents. But at least we will all be together for a short little while, to recognize that we are all important in each others' lives. To me, this is what matters most. And after being with my family, I am hoping to spend the night with some friends drinking champagne to drown all my anxieties about turning 30. At least my friends are already in their 30's, so I'll have some good support!
Although its small, this is it, this is christmas. No presents really, and no turkey, but at least I get my day. I couldnt imagine a year without christmas. Maybe I am spoiled to have never spent a christmas alone, but God knows I'll be counting this as one of many blessings Ive received in my life. Sometimes life is hard and youve got to fight for what you believe in, but when you have a moment to sit back and appreciate life for just a moment, that moment will make the hard days fewer and further between.
Christmas to me is a very important holiday. It has also matured into more than a gift-giving and turkey holiday. I dont need gifts nor turkey, but I need to be with my favourite people on that day. To me, its a reason to celebrate and recognize the joys in our lives. Our families, our friendships, our accomplishments, even our failures. I love being in a room with all my favourite people, and for one day we all have an open acceptedness of each other. My family is incredibly broken, and for us to gather in one room is often hard to do both physically and psychologically, yet we still do it. And its wonderful. I wouldnt give up a single christmas for a million halloweens, new years and thanksgivings combined.
Being born on christmas day makes me take the holiday very seriously. As I was telling Joel among a face full of tears last week, if I dont get a christmas, then I dont get a birthday either. Maybe its a little selfish of me, but I think that we should all have a day where we are recognized as being special. December 25th just happens to be that day for me. And when I was told that we have no plans for christmas day, no celebrations, and that in fact it's been decided that "we" are not doing christmas this year, I completely broke down. Because christmas is all Ive got. And I wasnt willing to spend my 30th birthday alone, nor with a group of people who were going to treat the day like any other. And for this I was upset.
Its nearly a week later, and Ive done alot of thinking about this. Some of my soul searching has composed of me trying to figure out why christmas is so special. Maybe I could ignore the holiday for one season? But I know deep down that I can't. If you know me in real life, you know that I love any reason for celebration, any little excuse to make one day different from all the others. So I cant do it, I cannot ignore christmas. After this realization, I spoke to Joel about it. I explained to him how important this day and the entire holiday is to me. And I told him that if he wants to continue to be with me in this life, he's going to have to understand that for me, christmas brings great joy. I think I might have actually gotten through to him, which is incredible. We even have small little plans for christmas day now! We will be spending the morning at Joel's parents, and although there will be no tree or turkey, we will be exchanging little gifts, something for no more than ten dollars, purchased second hand. And I like this idea!
In the evening we will visit my family for a few hours. I dont think there will be turkey, as my family is vegetarian. Nor are we exchanging presents. But at least we will all be together for a short little while, to recognize that we are all important in each others' lives. To me, this is what matters most. And after being with my family, I am hoping to spend the night with some friends drinking champagne to drown all my anxieties about turning 30. At least my friends are already in their 30's, so I'll have some good support!
Although its small, this is it, this is christmas. No presents really, and no turkey, but at least I get my day. I couldnt imagine a year without christmas. Maybe I am spoiled to have never spent a christmas alone, but God knows I'll be counting this as one of many blessings Ive received in my life. Sometimes life is hard and youve got to fight for what you believe in, but when you have a moment to sit back and appreciate life for just a moment, that moment will make the hard days fewer and further between.