im not crying on the outside anymore

[absorbedinlove]

I dont know where I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore. My life, used to be so good and now, I have no idea. It's like, i dont cry on the outside anymore, if you get what im saying. It's like im left on this earth with billions of people and yet all I have is me, myself and I. I have great friends and people who love me, sure, but no one goes through my mind and knows exactly what im thinking or anything. Im the one who has to make my decsions, Im the one who has to live my life. No one can be by me every minute of the day telling me what to do and say, ONLY ME. Thats what i've relized today when i took about an hour walk in the rain and came home soaking wet, like i jumped in the pool with my clothes on. You know whenever im in trouble or i need someone to hear what happened or listen to me, they cant make it right, only I can. They can sure as hell tell me thier opinion about something and tell me everythin is going to be alright when no one knows the whole story, like I do. NO ONE understands me, i feel. People say that they know me so well and everything, and i think they are just lyin to me, and when it comes down to it they are just lyin to themselves. There are so many things that happen to me, that yeah, i dont feel like sharing, not even to my best friends and thats hard. Yeah, its hard to keep certain shit in, but ya know you have to. You have to leave things in your past even though you might remember it until the day you die. I think the best year of my life was prolly my freshman year. I felt the happiest I have ever felt in a long, long time. I had so many friends, good relationship with my parents, everything. I felt as though I held the world in my hands! This year its like the opposite. OF course I have friends, those people are what keep me going everyday I think. It's just like I wish i was pretty, I wish I had someone to love, someone who loved me, I wish my parents would stop fighting all the time, I wish for my sister never to do some of the things that I have done, I wish so many things you dont understand, I could sit here forever and tell you lists and lists but when it all comes down to it.. if I were to shit in one hand and wish the other, which one do you think would show up faster? All im asking for is just love. Pure love. Unconditional love.I want someone to think about me, and want me, and think im sexy and make me feel special and make me feel like I actually am something, I want to be someone's everything, and i dont think its alot to ask for.it's like i can't breath,it's like i can't see anything,nothing but him,i'm addicted to him,it's like i can't think,without without him haunting me,in my thoughts,in my dreams,he has taken over me. why cant he just see that?!

I didn't really get everything out that i wanted to, but im going to enjoy the rain and have a malibu rum punch with my aunt, i love her so much. *im going to start updating more. PROMISE>