why so emotional?
Oh goodness. I accidentally cried a little at my desk while looking at the destruction the tornadoes caused in the midwest, and people's accounts of digging out dead bodies in what was left of homes.
I have been carrying a weight around on top of me lately that I can't kick. Ever since my boss told me I was pitiful, I've just been bitter.
Friends keep coming and putting me back together when I get ultra upset, but every morning for over a week, I've felt crazy anxiety while getting ready for work, and have really really not want to come here.
Once I'm here it's ok. My boss continues to ignore me ((either being shredded or ignored, I'm not sure which one is worse, at least when she's shredding me my anxiety seems rational. . .))
My actual job is still amazing, but I think I might start looking for something else. Hitchings mentioned that I've been unhappy for a really long time and said he fully supported my decision.
I don't actually want to quit I think, I'm not sure. I feel like if I could find a boss who thought I was awesome even if my job was shitty that would make it better, but I really have no other experience so I'm not sure. Also, I think if she would just speak to me I would feel so much better, but for the 2nd time I've tried to speak to her and she keeps hanging up on me! and she doesn't come to work. And on tuesday I was supposed to go to her place to meet up with her and work on a grant and she blew me off, and then I tried to talk to her on the phone afterwards only to be hung up on again. ((this makes 3 times)). If she won't even let me tell her that she's making me really unhappy, how can anything improve? Instead I just feel like an awful employee, even though the amount of work she expects me to get done is ridiculous, and on top of that, she changes her mind constantly, so even when everything is finished apparently it's not what she wanted.
Perhaps all I need is a vacation. Except I've been trying to take time off and they keep saying NO. and I want to say FUCK YOU I'M NOT COMING NEXT WEEK. Obviously I never say those things.
Can I get a little structure here?!
Besides that, everything is really good.
Last weekend was amazing. Miles came to visit. ((Miles was Hitching and my room mate when we lived in Vermont together, and my room mate in the dorms before that.)) Talking to other people about him, I had the silliest freudian (sp?) slip and said "Now that Miles is home" instead of here. hehe. We had our annual easter beer hunt, and I didn't drink too much because Miles only had a couple of beers, and I didn't want to be waisted and waste our one night we had together, but everyone else got absolutely unruly. Marissa and Miles and I spent 3 hours in the morning coloring so we could decorate all the beer cans, and that's still my favorite part. Marissa has been waiting YEARS to meet Miles ((every time she came to vermont Miles was away for the weekend!)) and they clicked and loved each other immediately. My trashed Joanna told Miles that she could feel her heart chakra overflowing a million times and I loved that too.
I need to color more!!! And sew again. And cook. And do yoga. Not just come home frustrated and chug beers and pass out.
This weekend I think Marissa is sleeping over ((Hitchings now works the weekends, so not only do we have no days off together, but it makes for lonely weekends, especially when Chris is working too and Fatman is off playing music because Timeshares is trying to get a full album recorded)) and I'm going to attempt making Bagels for the first time. Very excited.
alright, I'm done ranting. Now to get some work done so my boss doesn't hate me next time she acknowledges my existence.
lovenina
I have been carrying a weight around on top of me lately that I can't kick. Ever since my boss told me I was pitiful, I've just been bitter.
Friends keep coming and putting me back together when I get ultra upset, but every morning for over a week, I've felt crazy anxiety while getting ready for work, and have really really not want to come here.
Once I'm here it's ok. My boss continues to ignore me ((either being shredded or ignored, I'm not sure which one is worse, at least when she's shredding me my anxiety seems rational. . .))
My actual job is still amazing, but I think I might start looking for something else. Hitchings mentioned that I've been unhappy for a really long time and said he fully supported my decision.
I don't actually want to quit I think, I'm not sure. I feel like if I could find a boss who thought I was awesome even if my job was shitty that would make it better, but I really have no other experience so I'm not sure. Also, I think if she would just speak to me I would feel so much better, but for the 2nd time I've tried to speak to her and she keeps hanging up on me! and she doesn't come to work. And on tuesday I was supposed to go to her place to meet up with her and work on a grant and she blew me off, and then I tried to talk to her on the phone afterwards only to be hung up on again. ((this makes 3 times)). If she won't even let me tell her that she's making me really unhappy, how can anything improve? Instead I just feel like an awful employee, even though the amount of work she expects me to get done is ridiculous, and on top of that, she changes her mind constantly, so even when everything is finished apparently it's not what she wanted.
Perhaps all I need is a vacation. Except I've been trying to take time off and they keep saying NO. and I want to say FUCK YOU I'M NOT COMING NEXT WEEK. Obviously I never say those things.
Can I get a little structure here?!
Besides that, everything is really good.
Last weekend was amazing. Miles came to visit. ((Miles was Hitching and my room mate when we lived in Vermont together, and my room mate in the dorms before that.)) Talking to other people about him, I had the silliest freudian (sp?) slip and said "Now that Miles is home" instead of here. hehe. We had our annual easter beer hunt, and I didn't drink too much because Miles only had a couple of beers, and I didn't want to be waisted and waste our one night we had together, but everyone else got absolutely unruly. Marissa and Miles and I spent 3 hours in the morning coloring so we could decorate all the beer cans, and that's still my favorite part. Marissa has been waiting YEARS to meet Miles ((every time she came to vermont Miles was away for the weekend!)) and they clicked and loved each other immediately. My trashed Joanna told Miles that she could feel her heart chakra overflowing a million times and I loved that too.
I need to color more!!! And sew again. And cook. And do yoga. Not just come home frustrated and chug beers and pass out.
This weekend I think Marissa is sleeping over ((Hitchings now works the weekends, so not only do we have no days off together, but it makes for lonely weekends, especially when Chris is working too and Fatman is off playing music because Timeshares is trying to get a full album recorded)) and I'm going to attempt making Bagels for the first time. Very excited.
alright, I'm done ranting. Now to get some work done so my boss doesn't hate me next time she acknowledges my existence.
lovenina