Lily couldn't quite bring herself to look at Sirius as he spoke, looking instead at her arms, which were crossed over her chest. Okay, so maybe the idea that James didn't care about her was a crazy one, when he put it like that. The boy had been chasing her for years without end, without tiring, and something about it had always been annoying, but something else about it had always seemed flattering in a twisted sort of way. The idea that someone loved her that much who wasn't legally bound to do so was a little dizzying. And he had seemed so upset...
But she couldn't take him back after what happened. How weak would that be? His best friend talks to her and she gets emotional and caves. If she did, he'd start to think he could get away with anything. People would start to think she was losing her nerve, which was not something you wanted people to think when you were head girl. Especially when you had a reputation for being stubborn, mostly in the best possible way. She couldn't afford to be thought of as a pushover. But some crazy, miserable part of her knew that James made her happy. Even though she was still mad at him, thought he was an idiot, and sort of wanted to strangle him. Only sort of.
After a long moment of silent consideration, Lily slid down the wall she'd been up against, twisting her hands in her hair. "I'm screwed, aren't I?" She asked, half to herself.
Letting the silence between them become heavier and heavier, Sirius didn't know what the girl was thinking. Whether or not his words had stung enough, he couldn't be sure, but all he knew was that he had to let her know. Sirius was ready to take complete blame if it made James and Lily feel better.
"It doesn't have to be like that," he said quietly, after some time of exchanging nothing, the din of students going back to their dorms ebbing far away and the pushing silence getting stronger. "You don't have to feel screwed. And he doesn't have to feel so desolate. And I don't have to feel so pissed off at the both of you." Sirius shrugged lightly, considering their options. "Just saying. You can hate me all you want, but don't hate James. He can't help himself."
She looked up at Sirius, giving him a half smile and a sigh, "I just feel like I'm setting myself up to get hurt again," Lily rested her elbow on her knee and her cheek on her hand, "What sort of message does that send, that I love him so much I'd put up with any stupid thing he does, no matter how much he hurts me, just to keep him around?" Biting her lip, she added, more candidly, "Do you think he'd ever do something like that again?"
Moving a bit closer, Sirius looked at Lily and tried to smile. As much as it hurt him to do what he was doing and say what he was saying, it sort of felt good to know that he was doing the right thing. Or, at least what he thought was the right thing. "It might say something about how you care for him, even if it's just a fraction of how much he cares for you."
Sighing, Sirius shook his head. "After this, he'll never step a toe out of line." He stopped short, not really knowing what else to say. "You-" he brought his gaze back to her eyes, telling himself over and over again to just stay strong, aloof, and firm. "..You won't have to worry about this anymore," he said tersely
"You're sure?" She asked finally, chewing distractedly on her lower lip. She wasn't sure that she could handle it if something like that happened again after she forgave him. If she forgave him. but if he had learned his lesson, it might have been worth another try. One more chance. "I do miss him, you know. It's just... hard, I guess."
Sirius stood up from where he was leaning against the wall and ran a hand through his hair. Finally, he had gotten through to her. She hadn't even realized how difficult it was, either. "For as long as I've known him.." he trailed, shrugging and then leaving the statement as it was. He hoped that she would think about it all, and he also hoped that she would maybe talk to James. They had messed up. But Sirius was willing to go through all the trouble to make it better.
"Well," he said lightly, knowing that he was mostly finished with what he had to say and getting ready to wrap up. The conversation had been more difficult to manage than he had originally thought, and Sirius was glad that he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. "It is hard. But you don't have to keep missing him. And again, I'm sorry. But now you understand, so I suppose I can go." He waved a hand at her passively and turned on his heel to leave.
As Sirius turned to leave, Lily looked back at him, calling back to him. "Sirius," she started, waiting for him to turn back, "Why would you do it if you knew he loved someone else?"
Turning around, Sirius wasn't sure whether or not he was going to answer her question. It was personal, wasn't it? And the answer wasn't all that great, either. "Well, to be honest, I never thought it would happen," he said flatly, spinning around and facing her. "And I didn't want to see him hurt so much. Someone had to care about him." Sirius knew his words cut, but there was no other way to say them.
But she couldn't take him back after what happened. How weak would that be? His best friend talks to her and she gets emotional and caves. If she did, he'd start to think he could get away with anything. People would start to think she was losing her nerve, which was not something you wanted people to think when you were head girl. Especially when you had a reputation for being stubborn, mostly in the best possible way. She couldn't afford to be thought of as a pushover. But some crazy, miserable part of her knew that James made her happy. Even though she was still mad at him, thought he was an idiot, and sort of wanted to strangle him. Only sort of.
After a long moment of silent consideration, Lily slid down the wall she'd been up against, twisting her hands in her hair. "I'm screwed, aren't I?" She asked, half to herself.
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"It doesn't have to be like that," he said quietly, after some time of exchanging nothing, the din of students going back to their dorms ebbing far away and the pushing silence getting stronger. "You don't have to feel screwed. And he doesn't have to feel so desolate. And I don't have to feel so pissed off at the both of you." Sirius shrugged lightly, considering their options. "Just saying. You can hate me all you want, but don't hate James. He can't help himself."
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Sighing, Sirius shook his head. "After this, he'll never step a toe out of line." He stopped short, not really knowing what else to say. "You-" he brought his gaze back to her eyes, telling himself over and over again to just stay strong, aloof, and firm. "..You won't have to worry about this anymore," he said tersely
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"Well," he said lightly, knowing that he was mostly finished with what he had to say and getting ready to wrap up. The conversation had been more difficult to manage than he had originally thought, and Sirius was glad that he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. "It is hard. But you don't have to keep missing him. And again, I'm sorry. But now you understand, so I suppose I can go." He waved a hand at her passively and turned on his heel to leave.
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