What's wrong with me?

[absolutefiction]

I swear, there is.  I had the whole day yesterday to bond with my host mom and sister but guess what I do? I'm basically dead silent instead.  What's wrong with me? My host mom has sat me down and told me she wants me to talk with them more.  Why can't I do that?

I literally wanted to cry yesterday when my host mom started avoiding me.  She does this when I stop talking; it doesn't help me but she does this.  Her and Yuko were totally blocking me off (maybe not Yuko as much) and doing things and not joining me in.  Even when I did say something or make a comment most of the times they wouldn't hear me or they would ask 'what?' and I would lose my courage and say it was nothing.

It's at these moments that I want to be back home with my own family.  Seeing those two bonding and talking reminds me of me and my own mom; I get homesick a bit.

I just wish I could stop doing this.  I hate this.  It's my fault, plain and simple.  I continue to blame them but I know the truth.  I don't understand why I can talk forever and a day in English but when I have to speak in Japanese, nothing comes out; it's as if my brain and imagination just shut off and I become this low self-esteemed shell of myself.

I'm gonna log off before I start crying again. Later.