The trials of a new place... even if it has been 10 months.
So... Last winter I moved here and had friends pretty instantly. Most of which were from Michigan and returned to Michigan... Or one was shipped back to South Africa... or one liked me too much to be friends. This presents a problem.
I haven't worked this past week and have been bored out of my mind... Not making money = not spending a dime which means lots of down time at home, kicking it solo. Only problem is, I've kicked it solo in this damn apartment for the majority of the time since I've been in Colorado, except for the past month when the man of choice, Alex, moved back to higher altitude. Well, Alex had himself some knee surgery and had me oh-so-willingly there to help him hand and foot and, well, knee too. But now that Mr. Independence can walk again, its time to go back to my solo self, which is easier said than done.
Well today, he did something very generous and replace my busted radio in my car with a nice stereo, but that's all the Alex time this girl gets for the day... the 15 minutes it took him to replace my fucking radio. So why does this bother me so much? Is it because I've been sitting in the damn apartment alone almost the entire day?
My main problem is that why do I feel so abandoned? Why does the majority of the female population clutch so hard to the little things men do for them and get torn apart when it stops... I am so guilty of this it makes me sick to my stomach.
So I did what any respectable girl can do... I made my man's favorite food - mashed potatoes - and ate the entire thing all by myself, just to silently spite and pretend I won some battle. Now I have to fight the urge to put on some chic flick that would make me cry but all of us girls know, I want to do that oh so bad.
So Before I sink in anyone's mind and sound completely insane and a commitment freak, I had something else join the play on my emotions: A love letter, written this past May. When one of the sweetest men I have ever met left me for possibly forever, ahem, correction... I might as well have packed his bags for him and shut the door on the plane. Regardless, he is still one of the sweetest and gone for good on my decision. Anyways, he sent me a message while leaving the country... A message that I would not get until today, 5 months later.
This was of course written in a language that I only know how to say "fuck you" and "thank you" in, convenient. Well, with hours of "solo time" and an iPhone translator, I have decoded the message.... and can't stop crying.
This man would leave his life for me and I don't like it? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I am completely crazy for some guy who has left me 2 twice and puts me on the back burner for "friend time" but we're just friends of course... Boyfriend and girlfriend? Fuck, not even in my wildest dreams... I just get the shaft as if I was one but lack the commitment agreement. Yet, half way around the world and man that refuses to believe he will ever meet someone like me, let alone better.
I said it before... I think I need to move to Finland :(
I miss the feeling of loving arms so much... I just can't seem to find a personality and arm combo that I truly adore back.
Tämä on ensimmäinen (first) rakkauskirje, jonka koskaan kirjoitan..
Pelkästään ajatus siitä,
että en ehkä koskaan tule näkemään sinua on tunne mikä en olisi koskaan halunnut tuntea.
Tuntuu kuin osa minusta puuttuisi ja tyhjyys valtaa minut…
Jos en koskaan enää näe sinua, toivon sinulle kaikkea hyvää ja toivon,
että jonain päivänä löydät rakkauden ja uskot sen olevan todellista..
Toivon myös ettet unohda kuinka täydellisiä olimme yhdessä ennen kuin menetin sinut Coloradolle..
Kun tulin luoksesi viimeistä kertaa lupasin etten itkisi vuoksesi,
mutta kun näin sinut kaikki tunteeni tulivat esille..
Ja olin kuin pikkupoika joka ihastui ensimmäistä kertaa..
Muista mitä isoäitisi on sanonut sinulle..
Etsi itsellesi hyvä suomalainen mies..
Haluan sinun tietää, että olet täydellisin nainen, jonka olen koskaan tavannut..
Rakastan sinua
I don't ever want to loose this.
I haven't worked this past week and have been bored out of my mind... Not making money = not spending a dime which means lots of down time at home, kicking it solo. Only problem is, I've kicked it solo in this damn apartment for the majority of the time since I've been in Colorado, except for the past month when the man of choice, Alex, moved back to higher altitude. Well, Alex had himself some knee surgery and had me oh-so-willingly there to help him hand and foot and, well, knee too. But now that Mr. Independence can walk again, its time to go back to my solo self, which is easier said than done.
Well today, he did something very generous and replace my busted radio in my car with a nice stereo, but that's all the Alex time this girl gets for the day... the 15 minutes it took him to replace my fucking radio. So why does this bother me so much? Is it because I've been sitting in the damn apartment alone almost the entire day?
My main problem is that why do I feel so abandoned? Why does the majority of the female population clutch so hard to the little things men do for them and get torn apart when it stops... I am so guilty of this it makes me sick to my stomach.
So I did what any respectable girl can do... I made my man's favorite food - mashed potatoes - and ate the entire thing all by myself, just to silently spite and pretend I won some battle. Now I have to fight the urge to put on some chic flick that would make me cry but all of us girls know, I want to do that oh so bad.
So Before I sink in anyone's mind and sound completely insane and a commitment freak, I had something else join the play on my emotions: A love letter, written this past May. When one of the sweetest men I have ever met left me for possibly forever, ahem, correction... I might as well have packed his bags for him and shut the door on the plane. Regardless, he is still one of the sweetest and gone for good on my decision. Anyways, he sent me a message while leaving the country... A message that I would not get until today, 5 months later.
This was of course written in a language that I only know how to say "fuck you" and "thank you" in, convenient. Well, with hours of "solo time" and an iPhone translator, I have decoded the message.... and can't stop crying.
This man would leave his life for me and I don't like it? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I am completely crazy for some guy who has left me 2 twice and puts me on the back burner for "friend time" but we're just friends of course... Boyfriend and girlfriend? Fuck, not even in my wildest dreams... I just get the shaft as if I was one but lack the commitment agreement. Yet, half way around the world and man that refuses to believe he will ever meet someone like me, let alone better.
I said it before... I think I need to move to Finland :(
I miss the feeling of loving arms so much... I just can't seem to find a personality and arm combo that I truly adore back.
Tämä on ensimmäinen (first) rakkauskirje, jonka koskaan kirjoitan..
Pelkästään ajatus siitä,
että en ehkä koskaan tule näkemään sinua on tunne mikä en olisi koskaan halunnut tuntea.
Tuntuu kuin osa minusta puuttuisi ja tyhjyys valtaa minut…
Jos en koskaan enää näe sinua, toivon sinulle kaikkea hyvää ja toivon,
että jonain päivänä löydät rakkauden ja uskot sen olevan todellista..
Toivon myös ettet unohda kuinka täydellisiä olimme yhdessä ennen kuin menetin sinut Coloradolle..
Kun tulin luoksesi viimeistä kertaa lupasin etten itkisi vuoksesi,
mutta kun näin sinut kaikki tunteeni tulivat esille..
Ja olin kuin pikkupoika joka ihastui ensimmäistä kertaa..
Muista mitä isoäitisi on sanonut sinulle..
Etsi itsellesi hyvä suomalainen mies..
Haluan sinun tietää, että olet täydellisin nainen, jonka olen koskaan tavannut..
Rakastan sinua
I don't ever want to loose this.