Good days, bad days, and days I don't even want to leave the house...
No one ever said that getting pregnant was easy. For some it is as easy as a one night stand, for others it can take a few months, for some it becomes a lifelong journey of heart ache and disappointment. A year ago today DH and I decided to start trying again, but this time we were going to be prepared. Before when we had been trying we'd try a few months, I'd stop ovulating, and the doctor would put me back on birth control to get ovulation started again. This happened over and over again until DH and I decided to stop trying for a while. Too much was going on with me in school and working two jobs. Then when we got married I went off the birth control, we threw the condoms away, and said if it happens it happens. That was November and I stopped ovulating the following June. I finally went to the doctor who said he wanted to test my thyroid levels and my prolactin levels. TSH levels came back low so he wanted me to go back on birth control once more, this time only until my levels got straightened out because low thyroid can be quite devastating to a developing fetus. Finally got my second round of tests back stating my meds were working great. Then came the huge decision did I want to go into labor during the middle of the school year or did I want to wait until after I graduated. So we decided to wait until August to really try to conceive. We've been trying ever since....
I've been on clomid for 5 months, I've had my progesterone tested, I've had ultrasounds to check for cysts... nothing yet. I've been charting, I've been temping, I've been checking my freaking cervical mucus for Christ sake....ewwww.... I've been using sperm friendly lube, taking mucinex to help my cervical mucus while on clomid, I've been taking vitamin B6 to help with the bleeding during my LP for which they still haven't got a diagnosis, I've been taking fish oil because one doctor swore the blood wasn't from my vagina, but from my rectum due to straining during my BM (I repeat I was not straining, but now they should know I'm not), and of course for a year now I've been on a prenatal vitamin.
So I have my good days sometimes. I feel happy and confident that this is going to be the month or at least I'll be okay if it isn't. Then I have my bad days. Those are the days where I cry at the drop of a hat, or cry so hard that DH is at a loss of how to console me. Then there are the days that I don't want to even leave my house. I don't want to shower, cook, or do anything. Just sit here at the computer trying to find a reason for my infertility and wishing I could make a doctor listen to me. Really LISTEN to me. Something is wrong... something clomid couldn't cure... something B6 and fish oil couldn't cure. I mean could someone PLEASE tell me why I am bleeding every single month at 9-10DPO??? Not just a little either but full fledged asking myself should I put a tampon in??
I know a few of my friends are upset with me for not talking to them about this. I try, but I don't feel that there is anyone who would understand what I feel. All my friends are either married with babies, or single and not ready for that kind of commitment. I don't begrudge my married friends with babies, but it doesn't mean I'm not jealous. It's hard to hear time after time "oh it will happen, just you wait and see"... or "you are too stressed about this... just relax and let it happen" Let WHAT happen? You relax to let bowel movements happen not babies!
So today is a bad day. Not a don't wanna leave the house bad day, but a bad day none-the-less. I know everyone is probably sick of hearing me vent about this. I mean after all everyone has got their own problems, but this is what the body is supposed to do right? I'm supposed to be able to reproduce... I'm supposed to be able to satiate this pain in my heart, no scratch that, this burning pain in the core of my being, but my body just refuses to cooperate.
I've been on clomid for 5 months, I've had my progesterone tested, I've had ultrasounds to check for cysts... nothing yet. I've been charting, I've been temping, I've been checking my freaking cervical mucus for Christ sake....ewwww.... I've been using sperm friendly lube, taking mucinex to help my cervical mucus while on clomid, I've been taking vitamin B6 to help with the bleeding during my LP for which they still haven't got a diagnosis, I've been taking fish oil because one doctor swore the blood wasn't from my vagina, but from my rectum due to straining during my BM (I repeat I was not straining, but now they should know I'm not), and of course for a year now I've been on a prenatal vitamin.
So I have my good days sometimes. I feel happy and confident that this is going to be the month or at least I'll be okay if it isn't. Then I have my bad days. Those are the days where I cry at the drop of a hat, or cry so hard that DH is at a loss of how to console me. Then there are the days that I don't want to even leave my house. I don't want to shower, cook, or do anything. Just sit here at the computer trying to find a reason for my infertility and wishing I could make a doctor listen to me. Really LISTEN to me. Something is wrong... something clomid couldn't cure... something B6 and fish oil couldn't cure. I mean could someone PLEASE tell me why I am bleeding every single month at 9-10DPO??? Not just a little either but full fledged asking myself should I put a tampon in??
I know a few of my friends are upset with me for not talking to them about this. I try, but I don't feel that there is anyone who would understand what I feel. All my friends are either married with babies, or single and not ready for that kind of commitment. I don't begrudge my married friends with babies, but it doesn't mean I'm not jealous. It's hard to hear time after time "oh it will happen, just you wait and see"... or "you are too stressed about this... just relax and let it happen" Let WHAT happen? You relax to let bowel movements happen not babies!
So today is a bad day. Not a don't wanna leave the house bad day, but a bad day none-the-less. I know everyone is probably sick of hearing me vent about this. I mean after all everyone has got their own problems, but this is what the body is supposed to do right? I'm supposed to be able to reproduce... I'm supposed to be able to satiate this pain in my heart, no scratch that, this burning pain in the core of my being, but my body just refuses to cooperate.