(no subject)
*huge long tight hugs*
i can't believe you wrote to me.. obviously i still check here often hoping to hear from you, but i wasn't expecting it. it put a huge smile on my face a couple of times tonight, for a short time, before reducing me to a teary mess again.. in a good way though, if that makes sense. thank you for the hugs. ;)
i've had quite a few people ask about you this trip.. every one seems to want to know how it is going with us all of a sudden.. most don't even know that.. well you know. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what i have done, and i don't know what i am doing. i know i am not doing well, but most the time try to ignore that.. even when i come very close to getting arrested. (note reading through again- i still don't see my level of use as a problem.. and i mean closer to the old level. not as bad, but..) i've been trying to convince myself that i am still the same person i was a few years ago - that i can still just switch off my emotions, and not let anything bother me. i am not so sure i want this anymore. i'm sleeping with a jumper ever night, because i miss you, and am trying to pass it off as a bit of a novelty to myself to avoid the truth that i really need it. i fool myself into thinking i cry for effect and that it isn't real.. (effect for who- know one knows).. i make myself believe that i could stop myself from doing so completely.. even though i have tried, and failed. i am a little scared for myself to tell the truth - i think i will be ok though, but..
i hate who i am, and i really miss having you near me.
i told myself i wasn't going to smoke tonight.. that i was going to have a night off and try to get some sleep. i even wrote myself a big note to that effect.
i am becoming a bit arrogant.. or more like i don't have time for being nice to people, and will just tell them more of what i think instead of protecting their feelings, and just being quiet. i hope it isn't going to be a long lasting thing.. i don't like it. think it might be a form of keeping people away. a lot of the time, i am just really quiet and withdrawn, like i used to be. there are very few people i ever really talk to. no one is close to me at all.
and here i am babbling on like an idiot again, because you wrote one word to me. i still write here as if i am writing directly to you - as if you are reading all my messages on the same day i write them, or the first chance you get, which i doubt. it is really nice to hear from you.
my nipple got infected tonight.. well probably not tonight, but i noticed it tonight. which makes my tongue still the only one that hasn't. - what does that have to do with anything.
i'm going to go again.. there has been someone here since i came down, and i think they may have noticed me sniffling a little bit. i want to leave before he does so he doesn't have to walk past me. there are shelves between us, and i am near the door.
good night sweetie *says this to you, and to your jumper, before giving it a little kiss and cuddling up to it in bed* i do actually give it a little kiss at night, and in the morning, which messes with my head a bit at times. i know i am odd.. i accept and am comfortable with that.. but the way i am at the moment is weird even to me at times.
love you. glenn
(for some reason i am about to say this might be the last time i write here for a short while.. i'm not sure why). look after yourself sweetie. *hugs*
i can't believe you wrote to me.. obviously i still check here often hoping to hear from you, but i wasn't expecting it. it put a huge smile on my face a couple of times tonight, for a short time, before reducing me to a teary mess again.. in a good way though, if that makes sense. thank you for the hugs. ;)
i've had quite a few people ask about you this trip.. every one seems to want to know how it is going with us all of a sudden.. most don't even know that.. well you know. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what i have done, and i don't know what i am doing. i know i am not doing well, but most the time try to ignore that.. even when i come very close to getting arrested. (note reading through again- i still don't see my level of use as a problem.. and i mean closer to the old level. not as bad, but..) i've been trying to convince myself that i am still the same person i was a few years ago - that i can still just switch off my emotions, and not let anything bother me. i am not so sure i want this anymore. i'm sleeping with a jumper ever night, because i miss you, and am trying to pass it off as a bit of a novelty to myself to avoid the truth that i really need it. i fool myself into thinking i cry for effect and that it isn't real.. (effect for who- know one knows).. i make myself believe that i could stop myself from doing so completely.. even though i have tried, and failed. i am a little scared for myself to tell the truth - i think i will be ok though, but..
i hate who i am, and i really miss having you near me.
i told myself i wasn't going to smoke tonight.. that i was going to have a night off and try to get some sleep. i even wrote myself a big note to that effect.
i am becoming a bit arrogant.. or more like i don't have time for being nice to people, and will just tell them more of what i think instead of protecting their feelings, and just being quiet. i hope it isn't going to be a long lasting thing.. i don't like it. think it might be a form of keeping people away. a lot of the time, i am just really quiet and withdrawn, like i used to be. there are very few people i ever really talk to. no one is close to me at all.
and here i am babbling on like an idiot again, because you wrote one word to me. i still write here as if i am writing directly to you - as if you are reading all my messages on the same day i write them, or the first chance you get, which i doubt. it is really nice to hear from you.
my nipple got infected tonight.. well probably not tonight, but i noticed it tonight. which makes my tongue still the only one that hasn't. - what does that have to do with anything.
i'm going to go again.. there has been someone here since i came down, and i think they may have noticed me sniffling a little bit. i want to leave before he does so he doesn't have to walk past me. there are shelves between us, and i am near the door.
good night sweetie *says this to you, and to your jumper, before giving it a little kiss and cuddling up to it in bed* i do actually give it a little kiss at night, and in the morning, which messes with my head a bit at times. i know i am odd.. i accept and am comfortable with that.. but the way i am at the moment is weird even to me at times.
love you. glenn
(for some reason i am about to say this might be the last time i write here for a short while.. i'm not sure why). look after yourself sweetie. *hugs*