(no subject)
so, i'm single now, and it's really weird. we've been dating since january. i feel a combination of feelings. me and billy were planning on taking a break for the summer, but i just wanted it to end better than this. i thought it would.
for some reason, i envisioned things happening so easy. i envisioned us having fun together and enjoying each others company every day we could up until the day we'd have to leave, then we would do our own things for the summer, keep in touch over the phone a little maybe, and then go into next year open to being back together. that was my perfect little vision of what would happen, but things never turn out that nicely. i tend to get into this routine pattern of meeting and dating guys that get tired of me.
this last month he has been so disconnected, so far away, even when he's standing next to me. we would literally be in my small twin bed with 6 inches between us, i'd kiss his cheek, and he wouldn't kiss me back. he'd just lay there on his side of the bed as i sat there wondering "what is wrong with me?" i think that is probably one of the worst feelings you can ever experience, the feeling that you can't make someone happy and the feeling that you are inadequate. the feeling that you are unwanted even though you are making every effort possible to get the relationship to work.
i confronted him on his absence,telling him how it made me feel abandoned, and that i needed to know what was on his mind. he told me i was right. his feelings changed for me over these last few weeks and he was too afraid to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. he knew that i expected us to just end it when school was over so he was trying...pretending really, that he still wanted to be my boyfriend. the thing he didn't understand though is that, simply a touch, or simply a word or even company in general doesn't mean a thing unless...there is meaning behind it. just being with him isn't what gave me joy. what gave me joy was seeing him happy and doing things that made him happy and made him laugh and knowing that he cared about me and i cared about him. that is what relationships are about. these past few weeks watching him close me off, watching him push me away, and feeling him not wanting to be with me... that has killed more than the truth would have. i would have understood if he told me from the beginning. i just feel so stupid and foolish now for having put so much emotion and effort into someone that wasn't even feeling the same as i was.
now here i am, having to get over him, when he's already been over me for quite some time.
he says that i really do mean a lot to him, that he's learned a lot about himself through this relationship, that he won't forget the good times, and that he wants to be my friend. in that sense, the relationship ended pretty clean. i was very rational..there were no harsh words, just honest feelings, finally. but they were so long overdue and all of this emptiness has just jaded me from any good there might have been. it feels gone now and i feel so rejected.
i still don't understand how someone wants you one moment and then they don't. i hate the fact that people get tired of one another. i know it happens, and i do it every day, but it doesn't change the fact i hate it. sometimes i wonder what is the point. it doesn't seem like any relationship can last anymore, not even friends. you just grow tired of everyone and the only person left to rely on is yourself. that is where i am at right now... a little bit bitter.
i also know there is a brighter side though. i finally found a room mate for my two bedroom house/apartment. (it's the bottom floor of a two story house, completely separated from the top floor.) she's a really cool girl with a lot of the same interests as me, and the coolest part is that she isn't moving in until september, but she's paying rent for july and august...so basically i get the whole place to myself all summer. my friend braydn is going to give me drum lessons in anacortes once a weekend. i'll be starting my job on the 18th and working with some amazing people.
i just need to get through these next few weeks. these finals and all of the moving is going to be stressful, especially in a time where i feel so alone. it will be weird not having him to go to. he's been there for so long it feels. "over" is such a strange word.
it's really late, and i have class in the morning. i just thought i would get this all of my chest.
for some reason, i envisioned things happening so easy. i envisioned us having fun together and enjoying each others company every day we could up until the day we'd have to leave, then we would do our own things for the summer, keep in touch over the phone a little maybe, and then go into next year open to being back together. that was my perfect little vision of what would happen, but things never turn out that nicely. i tend to get into this routine pattern of meeting and dating guys that get tired of me.
this last month he has been so disconnected, so far away, even when he's standing next to me. we would literally be in my small twin bed with 6 inches between us, i'd kiss his cheek, and he wouldn't kiss me back. he'd just lay there on his side of the bed as i sat there wondering "what is wrong with me?" i think that is probably one of the worst feelings you can ever experience, the feeling that you can't make someone happy and the feeling that you are inadequate. the feeling that you are unwanted even though you are making every effort possible to get the relationship to work.
i confronted him on his absence,telling him how it made me feel abandoned, and that i needed to know what was on his mind. he told me i was right. his feelings changed for me over these last few weeks and he was too afraid to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. he knew that i expected us to just end it when school was over so he was trying...pretending really, that he still wanted to be my boyfriend. the thing he didn't understand though is that, simply a touch, or simply a word or even company in general doesn't mean a thing unless...there is meaning behind it. just being with him isn't what gave me joy. what gave me joy was seeing him happy and doing things that made him happy and made him laugh and knowing that he cared about me and i cared about him. that is what relationships are about. these past few weeks watching him close me off, watching him push me away, and feeling him not wanting to be with me... that has killed more than the truth would have. i would have understood if he told me from the beginning. i just feel so stupid and foolish now for having put so much emotion and effort into someone that wasn't even feeling the same as i was.
now here i am, having to get over him, when he's already been over me for quite some time.
he says that i really do mean a lot to him, that he's learned a lot about himself through this relationship, that he won't forget the good times, and that he wants to be my friend. in that sense, the relationship ended pretty clean. i was very rational..there were no harsh words, just honest feelings, finally. but they were so long overdue and all of this emptiness has just jaded me from any good there might have been. it feels gone now and i feel so rejected.
i still don't understand how someone wants you one moment and then they don't. i hate the fact that people get tired of one another. i know it happens, and i do it every day, but it doesn't change the fact i hate it. sometimes i wonder what is the point. it doesn't seem like any relationship can last anymore, not even friends. you just grow tired of everyone and the only person left to rely on is yourself. that is where i am at right now... a little bit bitter.
i also know there is a brighter side though. i finally found a room mate for my two bedroom house/apartment. (it's the bottom floor of a two story house, completely separated from the top floor.) she's a really cool girl with a lot of the same interests as me, and the coolest part is that she isn't moving in until september, but she's paying rent for july and august...so basically i get the whole place to myself all summer. my friend braydn is going to give me drum lessons in anacortes once a weekend. i'll be starting my job on the 18th and working with some amazing people.
i just need to get through these next few weeks. these finals and all of the moving is going to be stressful, especially in a time where i feel so alone. it will be weird not having him to go to. he's been there for so long it feels. "over" is such a strange word.
it's really late, and i have class in the morning. i just thought i would get this all of my chest.