in need of the heimlich
this house is choking me. I feel like a bird traped in a tiny cage wanting desperately to return to the jungle. There's something about the walls of this house. If they could talk i'm afraid to hear what they'd tell.
My friends from school were here for our anual Christmas party and the thought of losing this house made them sad. For them this house hold happy memories or parties and gatherings. Sneaking alcohol upstairs in 9th grade, 2 mamosas for 7 people, we thought it was an accomplishment. Pool parties, 22 person halloween sleepovers. Hugs and words of encouragement. Arguments that are immediately resolved.
But they dont have the memories I do. Razor blades hidden behind windows. Realizing how words can be powerful, but they mean nothing if actions can't back them up. unkept promises, to be somewhere, to do something , to change. Arguments and fights. Hiding in my room. Crying, and holding back tears on a promise that i am stronger than all this and I will not let it hurt me. When I return to this house I am transported back in time to the sme level of maturity that I was at when I left. I hate myself here. And at times I feel like I hate the people around me here. In 2 days I willl cut free of the fetters taht chain me to these walls, I will be released but only for a little while. It seems like the past that haunts me will be very difficult to forgive, and probably impossible to forget.
Its time to build this family up, and I dont think we can re-make the foundation. Our family will always be shaky and able to be blown down with one swooping wind. A wind of challeneg and a wind of pain and destruction. I dont know if we'll ever be able to make it through a storm.
If I didnt have temporary escapes, escapes to coffee shops and friends houses, ski trips and second families i'm afraid this cage would crush me. I hope this cage has not already crushed me.
I don't know why i feel so trapped, but spending time in these rooms makes me crazy, it makes me want to leave more than I imagined it could, but something hold me back. I dont know if it's feeling that I have no place to go, or a certain magic that the past holds. a power of recall that calls me not to run from the past but instead to realize that god has used it in my life. A call to embrace these shakles and know that If I can get through this I can do anything.
I wish I would be delivered of my negative attitude, I wish I could forget. I wish I could sleep better at night and not feel the need to hide myself behind a camera, not feel the need to drown myself in other stories through movies books and music. But this is where i stand. I am discovering new things every day, I am lerning about my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses. The only think I can take comfort in is knowing that God has a plan for me. And he loves me. He is just and he is mighty. I have nothing to fear. And yet I am so afraid of so many things. I am agfraid of lonliness and pain. I need to find joy like a child. There is transcendence through the joy of Christ. I hope I can find it.
My friends from school were here for our anual Christmas party and the thought of losing this house made them sad. For them this house hold happy memories or parties and gatherings. Sneaking alcohol upstairs in 9th grade, 2 mamosas for 7 people, we thought it was an accomplishment. Pool parties, 22 person halloween sleepovers. Hugs and words of encouragement. Arguments that are immediately resolved.
But they dont have the memories I do. Razor blades hidden behind windows. Realizing how words can be powerful, but they mean nothing if actions can't back them up. unkept promises, to be somewhere, to do something , to change. Arguments and fights. Hiding in my room. Crying, and holding back tears on a promise that i am stronger than all this and I will not let it hurt me. When I return to this house I am transported back in time to the sme level of maturity that I was at when I left. I hate myself here. And at times I feel like I hate the people around me here. In 2 days I willl cut free of the fetters taht chain me to these walls, I will be released but only for a little while. It seems like the past that haunts me will be very difficult to forgive, and probably impossible to forget.
Its time to build this family up, and I dont think we can re-make the foundation. Our family will always be shaky and able to be blown down with one swooping wind. A wind of challeneg and a wind of pain and destruction. I dont know if we'll ever be able to make it through a storm.
If I didnt have temporary escapes, escapes to coffee shops and friends houses, ski trips and second families i'm afraid this cage would crush me. I hope this cage has not already crushed me.
I don't know why i feel so trapped, but spending time in these rooms makes me crazy, it makes me want to leave more than I imagined it could, but something hold me back. I dont know if it's feeling that I have no place to go, or a certain magic that the past holds. a power of recall that calls me not to run from the past but instead to realize that god has used it in my life. A call to embrace these shakles and know that If I can get through this I can do anything.
I wish I would be delivered of my negative attitude, I wish I could forget. I wish I could sleep better at night and not feel the need to hide myself behind a camera, not feel the need to drown myself in other stories through movies books and music. But this is where i stand. I am discovering new things every day, I am lerning about my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses. The only think I can take comfort in is knowing that God has a plan for me. And he loves me. He is just and he is mighty. I have nothing to fear. And yet I am so afraid of so many things. I am agfraid of lonliness and pain. I need to find joy like a child. There is transcendence through the joy of Christ. I hope I can find it.