Magic of Torchwood

[absdax]

Title: Magic of Torchwood
Author: Absdax
Pairing: Implied Ianto/Jack
Rating: PG-13 (for a little bit of language)
Summary - Ianto has a secret, Jack is reading a book and wants answers.
Spoilers - Minor spoilers -Torchwood series 1, and the Harry Potter Books 1to7
Disclaimer: Characters not mine, never will be, I’m not RTD or JK Rowling
Author's Notes: CRACK, crack, CRACK!!!!!!!!!! and crack!!!! Tis very silly, ye have been warned! Still reading on… oh well!!! I did warn you! wrote this yesterday, to the middle of the night... i got distracted when trying to write my Gareth Ianto crossover... ooops!
 and i still havent slept yet.... i been awake 27hrs and counting.... 
Final warning.... CRACK!!!!!!!!

Ianto walked into Jack’s office, “Good Morning sir, first coffee of the day?”
Jack didn’t seam to have heard him. Ianto walked over to where Jack was sitting at his desk, his nose in a quite hefty book.
He coughed trying to get his attention,
“Sir?”
“No Harry not that spell!!…Poor Draco…” Ianto coughed again,
“Coffee sir,”
 “What? Oh, thanks. Lost in thought.”
Ianto smiled. “Ah, I see you’re reading Half Blood prince again, it’s not who she says it is you know! Its Draco, he’s the real prince, he was the one called that due to who his father is. She nicked the title from him as it was a catchy title! Anyway Enjoy the coffee.” Ooops sometimes he couldn’t help himself from saying things.
He turned and started to walk out of the room smirking to himself as he went, he counted to three slowly, and getting to the door…
“Ianto??”
He turned back to Jack, but stayed at the door. “Sir?”
“Sit, tell me, what are you talking about?”
“All due respect, I don’t think the Ministry of Magic would allow me to sir.”
“Ministry of Magic?”
“Yes sir.”
“…”
Ianto smirked at Jacks look of disbelief, and “Now, ‘scuse me sir, I have some pressing work to do in the archives.”
Ianto left before Jack could say anything else.

Ianto had been down in the archives a good ten minuets when his bluetooth beeped.
“Ianto Jones get your butt back up here and tell me everything. You can’t just drop that bombshell and leave. I’m your boss, you can’t do that to me!!”
Ianto smirked and continued on working. Ignoring his boss’ hissy fit.
“Ianto… please… tell me…”
Ianto steadfastly ignored him.
“Fine, I’ll hack into your personnel file, I don’t care that it’s classified!”
“Good luck with that sir.”
“Dammit, Ianto, please tell me?”
“…”
“Yaaantooooooo”
Ianto took his bluetooth headset off, and turned his mobile on silent.

15 minutes later he heard footsteps coming closer. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and warm breath tickling the back of his neck.
“Please tell me Ianto? Why is Draco the half blood prince?”
Jack had now both arms around Ianto so he couldn’t escape. Ianto turned round in his arms so he was facing him; he looked into Jacks blue eyes. “This could be considered as harassment sir!”
“Yeah? Don’t you people grope each other over here?”
Ianto raised his eyebrow, as he was very fond of doing.
“Fine I’ll tell you but you’ll never believe me.”
“Try me?”
“Legolas is Draco’s Dad.”
“What?”
“Legolas is Draco’s Dad. Well Draco didn’t know when we were all at school together, it wasn’t until after the war when it all came out, ‘Draco the Half Blood Prince’ it was in the Daily Prophet, ‘He is half elvish.’ the headlines were full of Draco for weeks after that. He had to stay at my place for a bit to hide from the press, after about a month he could laugh it off, and he found it quite catchy, and after visiting Legolas he was quite happy to have a non evil dad!”
Jack looked at Ianto disbelievingly.
“See I said you’d never believe me!”
“No, I’ve met Legolas, I didn’t realize he had a son though,”
“You’ve met him? How?”
“No just joking, now you see how I feel. You’re telling me you went to school with Draco Malfoy?”
“Yes.”
“And that Legolas was Draco’s Dad?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Well when a boy loves a girl…”
“Ianto… I meant how did he find out that Legolas was his dad?”
“As I said, after the war, everything was in chaos, Lucius had been killed by Voldemort for betraying them to the Order, finally doing something right for a change, and his mum decided that it was time for the truth to out, and told Draco. How Cissy and Legolas had met on the Hogwarts express when he had been the trolley guy, selling sweets and pastries, and how they had fallen in love, but she had the unfortunate thing of an arranged marriage, but they had one last fling a few weeks before the wedding, and she fell pregnant with Legolas’ child. Lucius never knew. Then Legolas went off to work for British Rail. You can guess that Draco wasn’t entirely too pleased that his mother had hidden this from him for so long. And it didn’t help that unfortunately they were overheard by Rita Skeeta who transcribed the entire conversation, and leaked it to the Prophet for a tidy sum of money.”

“Ok, now I wish I hadn’t asked, How about a quickie before I go back to work? Let me play with your wand?”
Ianto untangled himself from Jack’s embrace,
“That Sir, would be harassment, if you don’t believe me, fine. I have filing I need to do.”
“The thrill is gone.” Jack sighed and started to walk back up to the hub.

“Don’t worry sir, you’ll forget it all by tomorrow!” Ianto muttered to himself.

Gwen looked at Tosh, “What do you think is wrong with Jack? He’s been in a sulk ever since he came back from the archives?”
“Don’t know? It might be a personal thing, best to leave them two it, they will sort it out!”
Owen snorted in laughter, “Yeah, Ianto wouldn’t give him a blowjob during office hours!!”
“You’re a pig Owen”
“Well if you want to find out, go and ask him!”
“I think I will,” Gwen got up and went up to Jack’s office.

The door was open, and Jack was sitting at his desk, madly tapping at his keyboard.
“Jack, you ok?”

“No, Ianto is keeping secrets from me again. I need to get into this file! Dammit, it’s locked me out again! There are more encrypted passwords on this than trying to break into MI6!”
“Anything I can help with?”
”Can you get me a coffee? Oh and send Tosh up here would you Gwen?”

A few minutes later Tosh appeared with two coffee’s, “Gwen said you needed my help? And here is your coffee, don’t know how long ago Ianto brewed it…”
“Tosh, you ever tried to hack into Ianto’s personnel file?”
“No. It was classified, I thought it best not to,”
“Can you try? I need to know what is in it, it is the up most importance, and whatever you do don’t let Ianto see you.”
“Jack, I’m not sure….”
”Just do it. I need to read it!”
“Ok, I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.”

Two hours later.
“Yes! Finally,”
Tosh started to read it, and started to giggle. Jack was not going to like this. She taped her earpiece
“Jack, I’ve done it, but I think it was a decoy file, I think he’s playing a practical joke on us!”
“Ok, I’m coming down,”

Tosh re-read the file, and started to giggle again. And read it out loud to Jack.
“For his school, it says he went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And it says before working at Torchwood One, he was an Auror for the Ministry of Magic for 4 years. Jack, are you sure he’s not playing a massive practical joke on you? This cannot be his actual personnel file!” Tosh started to giggle, which started Owen giggling, and finally Gwen started to laugh too.
The only one not laughing was Jack, “Can you print it off for me Tosh? I need a copy of it!”
“Sure” she said in between fits of giggling.
“He’s had you big time Jack.”

Jack retrieved the print out, and stood looking at it when the others calmed down,
“You don’t actually believe it do you Jack?” Gwen was looking at him strangely.
“Well he said something this morning to me, I just don’t know whether to believe him or not, he’s not really one for practical jokes, is he? When he emerges from the archives send him up, Actually, no, Gwen, go and tell him its lunchtime, Tosh, Owen, can you go collect the Chinese? I ordered the usual. Meet back in the board room in 15 mins, I have a plan!”

They were all sitting round the boardroom table when Ianto emerged from the archives.
“Sorry I’m late sir, just finishing up the filing.”
“No worries, we’ve only just started, Owen forgot the noodles, so had to go back for them!”
They happily munched in a companionable silence for a few minutes until Jack slid a piece of paper towards Ianto…
“Ah I see Tosh worked her magic on my classified file? You believe me then Jack?”
Owen snickered, “Yeah magic indeed!”
“How did you know I did it?” Tosh spluttered
“It was muggle protected, I suspected that you might possess a little magic! I was right”
“What?” Owen spluttered over his noodles.
“Good joke Ianto,” piped up Gwen, “She was begging the computer at times to let her get past your passwords! It took her two hours. You should have seen Tosh’s face when she finally cracked the code only to find that it wasn’t the real file!!”

Ianto raised his eyebrow at her, “Indeed?”
Gwen looked at him, she knew that look, and “You mean it’s true it’s all true?”
“No…” Tosh’s eyes widened “But.. it cant be…I’m..”
Ianto’s eyebrow rose again.
“So you went to school with Harry Potter? Yeah right mate, try pulling the other one, the girls might be gullible but I’m not!” Owen shovelled more food down his gob as he was speaking.
“Jack believes him too!”
“Are you calling me a girl?” Jack put on a high-pitched voice, which of course set off Tosh and Gwen giggling again.

Ianto coughed getting their attention, “So did you want to hear my story? Since you all now know, I see no harm telling you. The cat, as they say is out of the bag.”

Ianto smiled, put down his chopsticks, and started.

“Right, as my file says, I went to Hogwarts…”
“Bet you were in Hufflepuff!” interrupted Owen.
“Did you want to hear this or not?”
Owen was hit from both sides, “Shush!”

“I was 11 when I found out I was going to Hogwarts, as is the tradition, I had been practising magic since a young age, my mother teaching me in private, as my father had died just before I was born. My mother had moved to Wales to hide from Voldemort, so my mother and I were the only witch and wizard in the village.
Anyway, at 11 I received my letter from Dumbledore, and off I went to Hogwarts.
Having learnt my history well, I knew who Harry Potter was, and I was excited that I would finally get to meet him, as he was in the year above me at school.
Hogwarts was everything that JK Rowling described, and more, and it was going to be my home for the next 7 years.
I was sorted in to Ravenclaw, and made fantastic friends. JK Rowling made the rivalry between the houses much greater than it actually was. There are actually some nice people in Slytherin! I made some good friends in that house.” He paused with a wry smile on his face, ‘Some very good friends!’

“Anyway, my seven years flew by, and soon I was a fully-fledged wizard, and even though the Dark lord had been defeated, they still needed Aurors at the Ministry of Magic.”

“Woha!, back up there… you can’t just go through 7 years like that!” Jack said, “What was Snape like as a head teacher? And who is head teacher now?”

Ianto glared at Jack for the interruption, “My sixth year was, how shall we put it, a lot more eventful than the other ones, Professor Snape, was still Professor Snape, he is very much the same as Alan Rickman portrays him in the films, very scary likeness! He did a good job of holding the school together through that tough year. After Voldemort was defeated, Professor Snape continued on as Head teacher, where he remains to this day.

“But…” Jack started to complain,

“Do you want to hear this or not?”

“Yes. But Snape…”

“In that respect real life somewhat differs to the story that has been published.
Anyway, back to where I was before you interrupted, I finished school and joined the Ministry of Magic, where I worked for the better part of 4 years.
During that time, it came to our attention, that someone had written some books about Harry Potters life. We didn’t really keep in touch with what was being published in the muggle world, which is how the first few books had slipped by unnoticed. We only noticed when the first film was being released! Since the books were more or less accurate, it was my job to track her down and stop her; we couldn’t have muggles knowing about our existence. We had kept or world secret for hundreds of years.
I traced her to Edinburgh, and there I got the surprise of my life when I confronted her, it was one of my school friends, who I cant reveal the identity of because she appears in the books, She had been using a glamour spell to make her look older, so that no-one would guess who she really was.

I had to change her memory as to the events of what really happened, as she was leaking too much info and the muggles were starting to believe.

After the 5th book had been released, the Ministry decided I hadn’t done a good enough job with the memory charm, the spell only removes memories, it cant replace them with other one, they had heard of a muggle drug that could do just that. Torchwood One was recruiting, and it was the opportune moment we needed, and an exchange program was made, only the PM at the time knew of both the Ministry of Magic and of Torchwood, and had been trying to get us both to integrate since coming into office.
So I started at Torchwood. It didn’t seam that weird to me, the concept of aliens, after all, the whole wizard world had been hiding for generations, so why not covert government operations involving aliens.
And I finally got to the Retcon, a fantastically marvellous drug, and when combined with a touch of magic, is the best thing in the world for changing memories.

From working at Torchwood I realised that even though she had leaked all this information about or world, hardly anyone would believe the few fanatics who actually stumbled upon it and tried to tell people about the whole other world of wizardry!
So we thought it would be ok for her to finish off the series, otherwise the general public would go mad, but I couldn’t let her tell the whole world the true history. I had to make it so it looked like a kids story!
That’s why the last two books, took so long in coming out, it’s mostly true, but some things I had to change, give it a fairy tale happy ending in the future.

I really don’t know what Harry would have thought about all of this. She had started writing about his life way back when they were still in school, I should have guessed she was up to something, she was always writing in some diary or other. Watching Harry so closely, chatting to Colin about the photo’s he had just taken of him, it was like they had formed his official fan club!
But, well, where he is he can’t really comment can he? I’ve lost too many friends in too many wars.
But anyway, life goes on that’s my story, who is for Coffee?”

Ianto got up and made his way to the kitchen.

Gwen looked at Tosh, and then at Jack,
“So, you believe him?”
Jack nodded, “Yeah, sounds like he could be telling the truth!”
“So does that mean I might have the potential to do magic?”

“Oh come on guys, its April 1st, why do you believe him! He’s obviously made it all up and planted his personnel file so you’d all fall for it! Whole lot of bollocks if you ask me!”

“Owen! Shut up, he might hex your balls off!”

Gwen giggled, “If you ask me that might be an improvement to him!”

Owen chucked a scrunched up napkin at her, and before an all out war had started Ianto was back with the coffee.

“What did I miss?” he looked at them all, a look of guilt on each of their faces, no one wanting to own up to who threw the first object.
He handed round the coffee, “Drink up!” they all started to drink their coffee, looking at each other.

Finally Gwen spoke up “Owen doesn’t believe you!”

Ianto smirked again, and raised his eyebrow “Well it is April the 1st isn’t it?”

“Why you…”
Ianto ducked as a hail of used napkins and assortments flew in his direction.
He started to pick up the mess, of napkins and take-a-way boxes.
“So how’s the coffee?”
“Magic, as always” replied Jack grinning.
There were groans from everyone in the room.
“Really puts a spell on you eh Jack?” Smiling Ianto collected the empty mugs and went back to the kitchen.

****

Ianto walked into Jack’s office, “Good Morning Sir? Coffee?”
Jack didn’t seam to have heard him. Ianto walked over to where Jack was sitting at his desk, his chin resting on his hands, lost in thought eyes staring vacantly at an open book on his desk.
He coughed trying to get his attention,
“Sir?”
Ianto coughed again,
“Coffee sir,”
 “What? Oh, thanks. Lost in thought.”
Ianto smiled. “Ah, I see you’re reading Half Blood prince again,”
“Ohh De ja vu,”
“Well you have been reading those books for the last three weeks sir,”
“Yeah I keep getting interrupted by weevils! But I had the strangest dream last night, that you were a wizard and I kept asking you if I could play with you wand!”
“Dreaming of me Jack? I feel flattered, but a wizard? Next you’ll be thinking I went to school with Harry Potter.”
“Now that would be cool wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Ianto replied wistfully.
Jack grinned and shooed Ianto out of his office. “Now go, I need to see if Draco and Harry get it together!”
“Sir I don’t think Harry is gay!”
“You sure? What about Draco?”
Ianto looked at Jack and rolled his eyes, “Is that all you think about? Sir it’s a kids book, and I thought you’d read them before,”
“I did, but I retconed myself so I could read them all again.”
Ianto shook his head in disbelief. Turned and walked out of the office smiling to himself.

Jack waited until Ianto was out of the room, then pulled up Ianto’s personnel file, opening it; he looked at it just to make sure what school Ianto had gone to. It didn’t say Hogwarts, much to his disappointment.

****
Ianto had just stepped outside and was locking the Info Centre when his phone began to ring, looking at the caller display he smiled, and answered
“Hey Yan, you still in Cardiff?”
“Yeah”
“Fantastic, where are you at the moment?”
“Just locking up at work,”
“Outside the info centre?”
”Yup.”
“Ok see you soon.” The caller hung up.

There was a crack. Ianto turned round, and grinned at the unexpected visitor.
“Hey Draco, I was just talking about you to my boss!”
Draco wiggled his eyebrows, “Yeah? Hopefully in a good way?”
Ianto smirked, “Of course! Where to? Pub?”
“Aye, pub. We have a lot to catch up on! Did you find out if Tosh has potential?”
“Funny story about that…”
Arm in arm they wandered off to the pub.

“…retconned the whole lot? Always said you should have been in Slytherin!”

Draco’s laughter drifted down to the quayside.

THE END
****

Part 2 here

And just for a special treat since you read all that crack.... a shiny picture! I made this! my first effort at manips!