Star trek: Who Turned Out the Lights? Part Deux
Star Trek: Who Turned Out the Lights?
a Parody of Into Darkness
[ See Part 1]
And, just to be clear, this is all written out of love, because I really enjoyed the new movie. It was a lot of fun, in spite of the things I picked apart. :)
SPOILER WARNING
Part 2
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
SULU: Vessel coming out of warp in three - two - one.
KIRK: Shields up.
U.S.S. VENGEANCE drops out of warp directly in front of the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE.
VENGEANCE: BOO!
ENTERPRISE garbage airlocks open and accidentally release crap into space.
SULU: That is a big-ass ship.
KIRK: Is all of that really necessary?
JEAN LUC PICARD: (walks across screen, sipping tea) Oh, you never know when you might need a ship so big that it had to be built in space. *wink*
SULU: Aaaaand, they are hailing us.
KIRK: On screen, transmit shipwide.
ADMIRAL MARCUS appears on the view screen, to the shock of everyone on the ENTERPRISE.
KIRK: Admiral, glad you thought to come out and help us with our repairs.
MARCUS: Right, yes - well, you promised that you’d kill Harrison. Let me guess, you were too big of a wuss to do it? It doesn’t take that long to get over his blatant attractiveness, you know.
SULU: They are scanning us sir.
KIRK: That tickles, Admiral.
MARCUS: Just hand him over to me, son.
KIRK: Since when am I everyone’s son in this movie? There has to be another term of endearment the writers can abuse for a while! And I’m going to hand him over when we get back to Earth. I want to give Lucy a trial, the whole shebang.
MARCUS: Lucy? Oh damn, you’ve talked to him. He’s gone under so many aliases that he barely remembers who he is anymore. But I digress. He is manipulating you, Kirk. He and his crew were - are criminals!
SPOCK: And yet you didn’t put him back in the freezer once you found that out …
KIRK: Look, Admiral, you’ve always been nice to me. And now that I see that you may be crazier than the crazy person you thawed out, I’ll give you what you want. Give me a minute to get Khan to the transporter room, and you can have him.
MARCUS: Thank you, son - um … I mean, thanks dude.
TRASMISSION ends
KIRK: Sulu keep the shields up if you have to prop them up with a stick! Mister Chekov, do we have warp drive back?
CHEKOV: I may keel myself if you ask me again, kiptin. We can go to warp, but it’s a bit iffy at the -
KIRK: Great! Sulu, get us back to Earth.
ENTERPRISE runs away, leaving the VENGEANCE sitting there like a large, intimidating duck.
SICKBAY where KHAN is surrounded by armed REDSHIRTS.
KHAN: You guys are so cute, thinking you’ll lose him at warp.
CAROL MARCUS, instead of using her communicator, runs all the way from SICKBAY to the BRIDGE.
C. MARCUS: Daddy’s gonna get you!
KIRK: Eh? We’re at warp. That’s impossible.
SHINZON of REMUS and the BORG: Really? That’s interesting.
C. MARCUS: Khan just winked at me in sickbay. Daddy’s coming! You have to let me talk to him.
VENGEANCE: (cue Jaws music) Baaaah-dum, baaaaah-dum; bum-BAH-bum-BAH-bum-BAH-BUM-BAH-BUM!
VENGEANCE overtakes the ENTERPRISE while both ships are at warp, and fires upon her. ENTERPRISE shields are nonexistent as VENGEANCE weapons rip holes in the hull. ENTERPRISE crew flies out of the ENGINEERING section.
ENTERPRISE: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
ENTERPRISE is thrown out of warp field, still several thousand kilometers from Earth. VENGEANCE follows, pummeling the ENTERPRISE with its advanced, Khan-designed weapons of doom until …
KIRK: Hail them!
C. MARCUS: Daddy? This is Carol. Have you lost your mind?
VENGANCE stops firing and tries to look innocent, tucking its high powered weapons behind its nacelles.
VENGEANCE HELMSMAN: (to tactical officer) Ooooo, you fired on the admiral’s daughter! You’re in such deep sh -
MARCUS: (on viewscreen) Carol, if you’re over there, who’s at home watching Mister Nesbit?!
C. MARCUS: Focus Dad! I understand that you’re trying to correct an enormous mistake you made. But don’t you think destroying this ship and everyone on it would be an even more enormous mistake?
MARCUS: Get over here right now.
C. MARCUS: No! And you can’t make me!
AUDIENCE: Was Carol Marcus British too? There’s a strange influx of British people in this.
ABRAMS: Just watch the damn movie!
MARCUS: Yeah? Beam her out of there.
C. MARCUS tries to outrun a transporter beam and is transported to the VENGEANCE.
MARCUS: FINISH THEM!
KIRK: Aaaauuuumm wait, wait, wait Admiral, please. I’ll give you Khan. And my crew were just following my orders, please don’t take your crazy out on them. Take it out on me.
MARCUS: If I hadn’t had my tear ducts removed twenty years ago, that might have moved me a little more. But I was never planning on letting any of you actually live through this. End transmission. FINISH - (transmission ends)
KIRK turns to his horrified bridge crew with watery eyes
KIRK: My bad, guys.
SULU: Sir, their weapons are powering down! But we’re stuck here, we can’t fire on them, and we can’t move.
UHURA: Sir, we’re getting a transmission on a secured channel.
SCOTTY: (via communicator) Sir? Hello?
KIRK: Scotty! Where are you?
SCOTTY: I’m on the other ship, saving your arse as per usual. I’d appreeciate it if you’d get me out of here before they figure out that I crossed their weapon firing wires!
SULU: Once they get their weapons back, we are toast.
KIRK: We have to figure out a way for them to not get their weapons back at all.
SPOCK: Another plan? What are we doing?
KIRK: Khan and I are going to go over to that ship and disable them from the inside out, what?
SPOCK: Wow.
KIRK: What?
SPOCK: I’m still trying to absorb the inescapable stupidity of your plan. Are you sure you didn’t have help with that one? It’s too much of a doozy to have been thought up by just one person.
KIRK runs into the turbolift, but SPOCK is too fast for him and they argue all the way down to sickbay until KIRK confesses that he’s putting someone who actually is in his right mind in charge of the ship.
----
KHAN sits calmly on a bio-bed in SICKBAY, handcuffed and silent.
KIRK: (glares) Listen up, I need your help to take over their ship, otherwise we will all die. I can help save your crew if you help me.
KHAN: Judging from your track record, your ability to save anything is a matter of opinion.
KIRK: Now is not the time for nitpicking! Are you coming or going?
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SULU: Ships are aligned, ready for this stupidity to start. What’s even stupider is that there’s a lot of debris in between the two ships.
SPOCK: (to UHURA) How broken are we? Do we still have communications?
UHURA: We’re very broken, but I can make it work.
SPOCK: Good, put in a transmission to New Vulcan. Captain, are you ready?
KIRK standing in front of GARBAGE AIRLOCK (recently emptied) with KHAN. Both are in aerodynamic space suits, and neither of them recognize the contradiction in those terms.
KIRK: (puts on helmet) We’re ready. Scotty?
SCOTTY: (on VENGEANCE) This is insane, but hold yer bloody horses for a minute while I get access to this airlock. And by the way, this opening is so narrow, you two will have to get to know each other really well before you enter it.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
KHAN and KIRK glance at each other.
SCOTTY: Okay, I’ve got it.
KIRK: (shakes himself) Let’s go.
SPOCK counts down and opens the GARBAGE AIRLOCK. KIRK and KHAN are blown out into space, travelling to the VENGEANCE airlock. An unplanned game of DODGE THE DEBRIS also commences.
VENGEANCE airlock does not open as KIRK and KHAN approach.
BIG MAN: What are you doing?
SCOTTY: There’s a beg man here!
SPOCK: Mister Scott, if it’s not too much trouble, please open the doors, or we’ll have to clean them off of their hull with a squeegee.
BIG MAN: Where are those voices coming from?
KIRK: SCOTTY!!
SCOTTY opens airlock doors just in time, blowing BIG MAN out as KIRK and KHAN crash in and break the sliding distance record in a Starship cargo bay.
KIRK: Scotty, this is Khan.
SCOTTY: Hiya.
KHAN: Don’t care. Come on.
KHAN leads SCOTTY and KIRK through the ship, proving several times over his bad assery by skillfully taking out nearly every person they run into on the way.
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
UHURA: Sir, we are receiving a reply.
SPOCK: On screen.
Viewscreen reveals SPOCK PRIME. LONG TIME TREK FANS wave absent mindedly.
SPOCK PRIME: What’s up, me?
SPOCK: Have you ever heard of a dude called Khan?
SPOCK PRIME: Damn, are you serious? Well, I won’t be the one to alter your path through your own reality by giving stuff away, but let me just say that Khan is as insane as it gets. He’s just the worst. Try to avoid him.
SPOCK: Too late. How’d you get rid of him?
SPOCK PRIME: This is way outside of my box. Are you guys doing the TV show or the movies? It almost sounds like you’re doing a bit of both.
SPOCK: Just tell me what happened, please.
SPOCK PRIME: Okay, but remember, if you listen carefully to what I say, you may just be able to avoid the third movie altogether.
----
Aboard the VENGEANCE
PARTY OF THREE enters VENGEANCE BRIDGE and fire upon all of the bridge members aside from the MARCUS FAMILY. SCOTTY, as instructed, stuns KHAN as well.
KIRK: (to MARCUS) You’re coming with me.
MARCUS: We’re going to war! War, war, war! I need to be there.
KIRK: Just shut up and come with me, please?
KHAN, impervious to stun settings and now completely out of his mind leaps up, punches SCOTTY’S lights out, tackles KIRK and beats on him.
KIRK: wheeze!
KHAN, breaks C. MARCUS’ leg and takes a hold of ADMIRAL MARCUS by the head.
KHAN: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?
AUDIENCE: I’ve totally been that pissed off at being prematurely awoken before.
KHAN, in a blind rage, squeezes the admiral’s head and -
MISTER MIYAGI: Squish like grape.
AUDIENCE and C. MARCUS scream in horror.
KIRK: (to AUDIENCE) How do you like him now?
AUDIENCE: Well … that admiral was just trying to blow you up, so …
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SPOCK: Doctor, you know how to open up those torpedoes, right?
MCCOY: Probably. But I’ll have to get my hand stuck in each one to make it work.
SPOCK: Sounds good. Listen, I have a plan. (Tells MCCOY plan) Now go do it super fast!
UHURA: We’re being hailed.
Viewscreen reveals KHAN shoving a phaser in Kirk’s back.
KHAN: Yeah, just a slight change of plan here. You give me my crew, and I won’t make you watch as I kill your captain. Deal?
SPOCK: Okay. But, um, our transporters are broken.
SULU: (aside) Along with everything else.
KHAN: Fortunately, mine are perfectly functional. [Again, a line I couldn’t change mostly because it was Batch saying it. I kind of want it as my message alert tone.]
KHAN: Drop your shields.
SULU removes stick propping up ENTERPRISE shields, VENGEANCE beams all seventy-two torpedoes into its cargo bay.
SPOCK: Can we have our captain back now?
KHAN: Sure. You can watch him die over there. (Once transport is complete.) Hm. And after I blow you up, then maybe I’ll have some time for a shower, this shirt is starting to get rather rank -
KIRK, SCOTTY, and C. MARCUS are transported back to the ENTERPRISE, into the BRIG.
TORPEDOES in VENGEANCE cargo bay: Five - four - three - two - one - BOOM!
VENGEANCE is crippled by explosion.
KHAN: And I just found the body wash that I like! RAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
----
KIRK, SCOTTY, and C. MARCUS make it to SICKBAY
MCCOY: You see what we did there?
KIRK: Nice. Now we have seventy-two super-human frozen people in here.
MCCOY: Don’t be so negative.
----
ENTERPRISE: wheeze!
ENTERPRISE power dies, thus creating SHIPWIDE PANIC as ship is caught in EARTH’s gravitational pull and begins to fall.
SPOCK: (puts on seatbelt) I’m staying. Everyone else, abandon ship!
SULU: Nah, I’ve wanted to test these new seatbelts out anyway.
----
Meanwhile, SCOTTY and KIRK are racing to get to ENGINEERING as the ENTERPRISE plummets to its doom. The effects are very impressive and include that rotating hallway that was stolen from INCEPTION.
[Insert what should have been a CUT SCENE in here that shows the occupants of SICKBAY playing LIFE OR DEATH DODGE THE CYROGENIC POD as they roll around the room with the rotation of the ship.]
ENTERPRISE CREW falls all over the place, including KIRK and SCOTTY until CHEKOV saves them, and they make it to the warp core.
SCOTTY: Somebody needs to go to deflector control and flip that huge switch!
CHEKOV: Me! Me, me, me! (runs off)
SCOTTY: Uh-oh. That won’t matter. We’re dead.
KIRK: What are you talking about?
SCOTTY: The core is out of alignment. There’s no way to get in there and fix it without dying of radiation.
KIRK: Haven’t I already proven to you people that I’m basically invincible?
SCOTTY’S lights are knocked out for the second time in the last hour. KIRK straps him into a chair and goes in to fix the warp core.
----
KIRK enters the WARP CORE REACTOR ROOM, which does looks nothing like a miniature version of the DEATH STAR’S MAIN REACTOR CHAMBER. Kirk makes a desperate climb to the reactor as the ship drops like a rock through EARTH’S outer atmosphere.
KIRK beats the WARP CORE REACTOR into submission and alignment as the ENTERPRISE reaches the lower atmosphere and regains power.
SULU: AAAAAAAHHHHH - Oh, we’ve got thrusters, sir!
The ENTERPRISE, breathing heavily and coughing like a thirty year smoker, pushes its way back up through the clouds and remains stable.
SPOCK: Not that I’m ungrateful, but how in the hell did that happen?
SCOTTY: (via communicator) Sir, you should probably come see this.
SPOCK runs dramatically through the ship to ENGINEERING.
AUDIENCE: There is something very familiar about all of this.
ABRAMS: Wait for it …
SPOCK, upon meeting SCOTTY in ENGINEERING looks at a figure beyond the radiation doors of the WARP CORE REACTOR ROOM.
KIRK: wheeze! Did it work?
SPOCK: Yes.
KIRK: Good. Tell me about how you keep from feeling.
SPOCK: I’m not as good at it as I say I am.
SPOCK puts his hand up against the glass in a VULCAN SALUTE. KIRK places his hand over SPOCK’s.
AUDIENCE: This is really familiar now! But there’s something kind of … off about it still.
LONG TIME TREK FANS: “I have been and always shall be your friend.” Say it! SAY IT!
KIRK does not say it and dies while SPOCK tries to control his rage at losing his friend.
SPOCK: … LUUUUUUCYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
----
Meanwhile, the VENGEANCE evidently loses power as well, and causes the ENTERPRISE to hike up its skirts and jump out of the way as it falls past it into EARTH’s lower atmosphere.
KHAN: RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Make for Starfleet Headquarters! Because somehow, I can still point this thing in the direction I want.
The VENGEANCE levels out and falls directly at STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS when it trips over ALCATRAZ and lands saucer first into the bay, scraping its way into land and causing a spectacular wreck.
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SPOCK: Scan for life signs in the ship.
SULU: Are you kidding?
SPOCK: No!
KHAN brushes his hair out of his face and is PERFECTLY FINE after crash. He jumps down out of the debris, and walks away unnoticed, where he finds NEO’s coat on a chair, and takes it.
SULU: Holy crap! He’s alive!
SPOCK: Can we beam him up?
SULU: Nope, we’ve got one way transporters right now, whatever that means.
UHURA: (to SPOCK) Kick his ass, honey!
SPOCK beams down and chases KHAN through SAN FRANCISCO on foot. They both move at top speed whilst keeping perfectly solid facial expressions, which TOBY MAGUIRE could really learn something from. [I still have nightmares.] KHAN leaps onto a street transport. SPOCK follows, reminding us yet again the VULCANS can also be kickass.
Fighting begins. KHAN throws SPOCK all over the place until SPOCK gets a hold of his neck and tries to VULCAN NECK PINCH KHAN to death. KHAN however, proves to be resistant and tries to crush SPOCK’s head with his bare hands.
KHAN: RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
AUDIENCE: Snaaaaap!
SPOCK pulls out his next trick, and establishes a mind meld with KHAN, who freaks out, and jumps onto another transport just to get away from the VULCAN WEIRDO.
Meanwhile, back in SICKBAY
MCCOY looks sadly at KIRK’s body and sits down in a depressed stupor next to DEAD TRIBBLE
DEAD TRIBBLE: Purrrr-purrr-purrr
MCCOY: Quick! Freeze him before his brain goes to pot! Not the tribble!
C. MARCUS: Do we have enough of Khan’s blood left?
MCCOY: No! But I’m sure Khan does.
----
The fight continues, and SPOCK finds his head being squeezed to death in between KHAN’s hands again. UHURA beams onto TRANSPORT and shoots KHAN over and over with a phaser set on stun.
KHAN: That just makes me itch, you know.
SPOCK takes advantage of the distraction and slaps KHAN across the face with METALIC OBJECT. SPOCK proceeds to beat the snot out of KHAN.
UHURA: Why am I always the one screaming at everybody to stop fighting? Stop it! He’s the only one who can save Kirk!
----
STARFLEET MEDICAL FACILITY two weeks later.
KIRK: (wakes up) Am I dead?
MCCOY: You wish!
KIRK: Spock saved me. I knew he would!
MCCOY: Sure, and I had nothing at all to do with it.
SPOCK steps forward.
KIRK: I knew you loved me!
SPOCK: Is he on any pain killers, doctor?
MCCOY: No.
----
ONE YEAR LATER - Enter the WRAP UP.
KHAN still lives, and is put back to sleep in his CYROGENIC POD. Better to not have to deal with him at all, I suppose. Until NEXT TIME that is.
MONTALFANS: Ricardo is so much hotter!
CUMBERBITCHES: And dead!
MONTALFANS: But this guy just wore a whole shirt the whole time.
CUMBERBITCHES give MONTALFANS link to cut KHAN SHOWER SCENE on youtube.
MONTALFANS: Okay, but he didn’t even try to seduce anyone.
CUMBERBITCHES: He doesn’t have to try. It just happens.
GENERAL AUDIENCE: I just downloaded Cumberbatch saying the Jupiter coordinates as my ring tone!
CUMBERBITCHES: We were like you once. But in the end, resistance is futile.
ABRAMS: Can we get back to the movie?
The ENTERPRISE is repaired and re-commissioned, ready for its FIVE YEAR MISSION.
KIRK enters ENTERPRISE BRIDGE fresh-faced and fancy-free.
KIRK: This is going to be so much fun!
MCCOY: Speak for yourself.
KIRK: (to CAROL MARCUS) Welcome aboard, officially. How’ve you been?
C. MARCUS: It’s been a year, so I guess I’m supposed to be over seeing my father’s head be crushed like a watermelon under a steam roller by now.
AUDIENCE: That’s okay, we’re still not over it either.
KIRK: Um, yeah. Scotty, are we ready to go?
SCOTTY: Absolutely - hey don’t touch that - ! (communication is cut off)
KIRK: Right. Let’s go.
Fully repaired ENTERPRISE jumps to warp.
AUDIENCE: Wait a second. Didn’t they meet Khan during the Five Year Mission?
ABRAMS: For CRYING out loud! Alternate timeline = Alternate things happening! Things won’t always happen in the same way or at the same time with the same people! Jeez!
AUDIENCE: So … does that mean we get to skip right to Star Trek IV next time?
ROLL CREDITS!
You're welcome to share, of course, and I hope you laughed at least once. :)
Thanks for reading!
a Parody of Into Darkness
[ See Part 1]
And, just to be clear, this is all written out of love, because I really enjoyed the new movie. It was a lot of fun, in spite of the things I picked apart. :)
SPOILER WARNING
Part 2
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
SULU: Vessel coming out of warp in three - two - one.
KIRK: Shields up.
U.S.S. VENGEANCE drops out of warp directly in front of the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE.
VENGEANCE: BOO!
ENTERPRISE garbage airlocks open and accidentally release crap into space.
SULU: That is a big-ass ship.
KIRK: Is all of that really necessary?
JEAN LUC PICARD: (walks across screen, sipping tea) Oh, you never know when you might need a ship so big that it had to be built in space. *wink*
SULU: Aaaaand, they are hailing us.
KIRK: On screen, transmit shipwide.
ADMIRAL MARCUS appears on the view screen, to the shock of everyone on the ENTERPRISE.
KIRK: Admiral, glad you thought to come out and help us with our repairs.
MARCUS: Right, yes - well, you promised that you’d kill Harrison. Let me guess, you were too big of a wuss to do it? It doesn’t take that long to get over his blatant attractiveness, you know.
SULU: They are scanning us sir.
KIRK: That tickles, Admiral.
MARCUS: Just hand him over to me, son.
KIRK: Since when am I everyone’s son in this movie? There has to be another term of endearment the writers can abuse for a while! And I’m going to hand him over when we get back to Earth. I want to give Lucy a trial, the whole shebang.
MARCUS: Lucy? Oh damn, you’ve talked to him. He’s gone under so many aliases that he barely remembers who he is anymore. But I digress. He is manipulating you, Kirk. He and his crew were - are criminals!
SPOCK: And yet you didn’t put him back in the freezer once you found that out …
KIRK: Look, Admiral, you’ve always been nice to me. And now that I see that you may be crazier than the crazy person you thawed out, I’ll give you what you want. Give me a minute to get Khan to the transporter room, and you can have him.
MARCUS: Thank you, son - um … I mean, thanks dude.
TRASMISSION ends
KIRK: Sulu keep the shields up if you have to prop them up with a stick! Mister Chekov, do we have warp drive back?
CHEKOV: I may keel myself if you ask me again, kiptin. We can go to warp, but it’s a bit iffy at the -
KIRK: Great! Sulu, get us back to Earth.
ENTERPRISE runs away, leaving the VENGEANCE sitting there like a large, intimidating duck.
SICKBAY where KHAN is surrounded by armed REDSHIRTS.
KHAN: You guys are so cute, thinking you’ll lose him at warp.
CAROL MARCUS, instead of using her communicator, runs all the way from SICKBAY to the BRIDGE.
C. MARCUS: Daddy’s gonna get you!
KIRK: Eh? We’re at warp. That’s impossible.
SHINZON of REMUS and the BORG: Really? That’s interesting.
C. MARCUS: Khan just winked at me in sickbay. Daddy’s coming! You have to let me talk to him.
VENGEANCE: (cue Jaws music) Baaaah-dum, baaaaah-dum; bum-BAH-bum-BAH-bum-BAH-BUM-BAH-BUM!
VENGEANCE overtakes the ENTERPRISE while both ships are at warp, and fires upon her. ENTERPRISE shields are nonexistent as VENGEANCE weapons rip holes in the hull. ENTERPRISE crew flies out of the ENGINEERING section.
ENTERPRISE: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
ENTERPRISE is thrown out of warp field, still several thousand kilometers from Earth. VENGEANCE follows, pummeling the ENTERPRISE with its advanced, Khan-designed weapons of doom until …
KIRK: Hail them!
C. MARCUS: Daddy? This is Carol. Have you lost your mind?
VENGANCE stops firing and tries to look innocent, tucking its high powered weapons behind its nacelles.
VENGEANCE HELMSMAN: (to tactical officer) Ooooo, you fired on the admiral’s daughter! You’re in such deep sh -
MARCUS: (on viewscreen) Carol, if you’re over there, who’s at home watching Mister Nesbit?!
C. MARCUS: Focus Dad! I understand that you’re trying to correct an enormous mistake you made. But don’t you think destroying this ship and everyone on it would be an even more enormous mistake?
MARCUS: Get over here right now.
C. MARCUS: No! And you can’t make me!
AUDIENCE: Was Carol Marcus British too? There’s a strange influx of British people in this.
ABRAMS: Just watch the damn movie!
MARCUS: Yeah? Beam her out of there.
C. MARCUS tries to outrun a transporter beam and is transported to the VENGEANCE.
MARCUS: FINISH THEM!
KIRK: Aaaauuuumm wait, wait, wait Admiral, please. I’ll give you Khan. And my crew were just following my orders, please don’t take your crazy out on them. Take it out on me.
MARCUS: If I hadn’t had my tear ducts removed twenty years ago, that might have moved me a little more. But I was never planning on letting any of you actually live through this. End transmission. FINISH - (transmission ends)
KIRK turns to his horrified bridge crew with watery eyes
KIRK: My bad, guys.
SULU: Sir, their weapons are powering down! But we’re stuck here, we can’t fire on them, and we can’t move.
UHURA: Sir, we’re getting a transmission on a secured channel.
SCOTTY: (via communicator) Sir? Hello?
KIRK: Scotty! Where are you?
SCOTTY: I’m on the other ship, saving your arse as per usual. I’d appreeciate it if you’d get me out of here before they figure out that I crossed their weapon firing wires!
SULU: Once they get their weapons back, we are toast.
KIRK: We have to figure out a way for them to not get their weapons back at all.
SPOCK: Another plan? What are we doing?
KIRK: Khan and I are going to go over to that ship and disable them from the inside out, what?
SPOCK: Wow.
KIRK: What?
SPOCK: I’m still trying to absorb the inescapable stupidity of your plan. Are you sure you didn’t have help with that one? It’s too much of a doozy to have been thought up by just one person.
KIRK runs into the turbolift, but SPOCK is too fast for him and they argue all the way down to sickbay until KIRK confesses that he’s putting someone who actually is in his right mind in charge of the ship.
----
KHAN sits calmly on a bio-bed in SICKBAY, handcuffed and silent.
KIRK: (glares) Listen up, I need your help to take over their ship, otherwise we will all die. I can help save your crew if you help me.
KHAN: Judging from your track record, your ability to save anything is a matter of opinion.
KIRK: Now is not the time for nitpicking! Are you coming or going?
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SULU: Ships are aligned, ready for this stupidity to start. What’s even stupider is that there’s a lot of debris in between the two ships.
SPOCK: (to UHURA) How broken are we? Do we still have communications?
UHURA: We’re very broken, but I can make it work.
SPOCK: Good, put in a transmission to New Vulcan. Captain, are you ready?
KIRK standing in front of GARBAGE AIRLOCK (recently emptied) with KHAN. Both are in aerodynamic space suits, and neither of them recognize the contradiction in those terms.
KIRK: (puts on helmet) We’re ready. Scotty?
SCOTTY: (on VENGEANCE) This is insane, but hold yer bloody horses for a minute while I get access to this airlock. And by the way, this opening is so narrow, you two will have to get to know each other really well before you enter it.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
KHAN and KIRK glance at each other.
SCOTTY: Okay, I’ve got it.
KIRK: (shakes himself) Let’s go.
SPOCK counts down and opens the GARBAGE AIRLOCK. KIRK and KHAN are blown out into space, travelling to the VENGEANCE airlock. An unplanned game of DODGE THE DEBRIS also commences.
VENGEANCE airlock does not open as KIRK and KHAN approach.
BIG MAN: What are you doing?
SCOTTY: There’s a beg man here!
SPOCK: Mister Scott, if it’s not too much trouble, please open the doors, or we’ll have to clean them off of their hull with a squeegee.
BIG MAN: Where are those voices coming from?
KIRK: SCOTTY!!
SCOTTY opens airlock doors just in time, blowing BIG MAN out as KIRK and KHAN crash in and break the sliding distance record in a Starship cargo bay.
KIRK: Scotty, this is Khan.
SCOTTY: Hiya.
KHAN: Don’t care. Come on.
KHAN leads SCOTTY and KIRK through the ship, proving several times over his bad assery by skillfully taking out nearly every person they run into on the way.
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
UHURA: Sir, we are receiving a reply.
SPOCK: On screen.
Viewscreen reveals SPOCK PRIME. LONG TIME TREK FANS wave absent mindedly.
SPOCK PRIME: What’s up, me?
SPOCK: Have you ever heard of a dude called Khan?
SPOCK PRIME: Damn, are you serious? Well, I won’t be the one to alter your path through your own reality by giving stuff away, but let me just say that Khan is as insane as it gets. He’s just the worst. Try to avoid him.
SPOCK: Too late. How’d you get rid of him?
SPOCK PRIME: This is way outside of my box. Are you guys doing the TV show or the movies? It almost sounds like you’re doing a bit of both.
SPOCK: Just tell me what happened, please.
SPOCK PRIME: Okay, but remember, if you listen carefully to what I say, you may just be able to avoid the third movie altogether.
----
Aboard the VENGEANCE
PARTY OF THREE enters VENGEANCE BRIDGE and fire upon all of the bridge members aside from the MARCUS FAMILY. SCOTTY, as instructed, stuns KHAN as well.
KIRK: (to MARCUS) You’re coming with me.
MARCUS: We’re going to war! War, war, war! I need to be there.
KIRK: Just shut up and come with me, please?
KHAN, impervious to stun settings and now completely out of his mind leaps up, punches SCOTTY’S lights out, tackles KIRK and beats on him.
KIRK: wheeze!
KHAN, breaks C. MARCUS’ leg and takes a hold of ADMIRAL MARCUS by the head.
KHAN: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?
AUDIENCE: I’ve totally been that pissed off at being prematurely awoken before.
KHAN, in a blind rage, squeezes the admiral’s head and -
MISTER MIYAGI: Squish like grape.
AUDIENCE and C. MARCUS scream in horror.
KIRK: (to AUDIENCE) How do you like him now?
AUDIENCE: Well … that admiral was just trying to blow you up, so …
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SPOCK: Doctor, you know how to open up those torpedoes, right?
MCCOY: Probably. But I’ll have to get my hand stuck in each one to make it work.
SPOCK: Sounds good. Listen, I have a plan. (Tells MCCOY plan) Now go do it super fast!
UHURA: We’re being hailed.
Viewscreen reveals KHAN shoving a phaser in Kirk’s back.
KHAN: Yeah, just a slight change of plan here. You give me my crew, and I won’t make you watch as I kill your captain. Deal?
SPOCK: Okay. But, um, our transporters are broken.
SULU: (aside) Along with everything else.
KHAN: Fortunately, mine are perfectly functional. [Again, a line I couldn’t change mostly because it was Batch saying it. I kind of want it as my message alert tone.]
KHAN: Drop your shields.
SULU removes stick propping up ENTERPRISE shields, VENGEANCE beams all seventy-two torpedoes into its cargo bay.
SPOCK: Can we have our captain back now?
KHAN: Sure. You can watch him die over there. (Once transport is complete.) Hm. And after I blow you up, then maybe I’ll have some time for a shower, this shirt is starting to get rather rank -
KIRK, SCOTTY, and C. MARCUS are transported back to the ENTERPRISE, into the BRIG.
TORPEDOES in VENGEANCE cargo bay: Five - four - three - two - one - BOOM!
VENGEANCE is crippled by explosion.
KHAN: And I just found the body wash that I like! RAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
----
KIRK, SCOTTY, and C. MARCUS make it to SICKBAY
MCCOY: You see what we did there?
KIRK: Nice. Now we have seventy-two super-human frozen people in here.
MCCOY: Don’t be so negative.
----
ENTERPRISE: wheeze!
ENTERPRISE power dies, thus creating SHIPWIDE PANIC as ship is caught in EARTH’s gravitational pull and begins to fall.
SPOCK: (puts on seatbelt) I’m staying. Everyone else, abandon ship!
SULU: Nah, I’ve wanted to test these new seatbelts out anyway.
----
Meanwhile, SCOTTY and KIRK are racing to get to ENGINEERING as the ENTERPRISE plummets to its doom. The effects are very impressive and include that rotating hallway that was stolen from INCEPTION.
[Insert what should have been a CUT SCENE in here that shows the occupants of SICKBAY playing LIFE OR DEATH DODGE THE CYROGENIC POD as they roll around the room with the rotation of the ship.]
ENTERPRISE CREW falls all over the place, including KIRK and SCOTTY until CHEKOV saves them, and they make it to the warp core.
SCOTTY: Somebody needs to go to deflector control and flip that huge switch!
CHEKOV: Me! Me, me, me! (runs off)
SCOTTY: Uh-oh. That won’t matter. We’re dead.
KIRK: What are you talking about?
SCOTTY: The core is out of alignment. There’s no way to get in there and fix it without dying of radiation.
KIRK: Haven’t I already proven to you people that I’m basically invincible?
SCOTTY’S lights are knocked out for the second time in the last hour. KIRK straps him into a chair and goes in to fix the warp core.
----
KIRK enters the WARP CORE REACTOR ROOM, which does looks nothing like a miniature version of the DEATH STAR’S MAIN REACTOR CHAMBER. Kirk makes a desperate climb to the reactor as the ship drops like a rock through EARTH’S outer atmosphere.
KIRK beats the WARP CORE REACTOR into submission and alignment as the ENTERPRISE reaches the lower atmosphere and regains power.
SULU: AAAAAAAHHHHH - Oh, we’ve got thrusters, sir!
The ENTERPRISE, breathing heavily and coughing like a thirty year smoker, pushes its way back up through the clouds and remains stable.
SPOCK: Not that I’m ungrateful, but how in the hell did that happen?
SCOTTY: (via communicator) Sir, you should probably come see this.
SPOCK runs dramatically through the ship to ENGINEERING.
AUDIENCE: There is something very familiar about all of this.
ABRAMS: Wait for it …
SPOCK, upon meeting SCOTTY in ENGINEERING looks at a figure beyond the radiation doors of the WARP CORE REACTOR ROOM.
KIRK: wheeze! Did it work?
SPOCK: Yes.
KIRK: Good. Tell me about how you keep from feeling.
SPOCK: I’m not as good at it as I say I am.
SPOCK puts his hand up against the glass in a VULCAN SALUTE. KIRK places his hand over SPOCK’s.
AUDIENCE: This is really familiar now! But there’s something kind of … off about it still.
LONG TIME TREK FANS: “I have been and always shall be your friend.” Say it! SAY IT!
KIRK does not say it and dies while SPOCK tries to control his rage at losing his friend.
SPOCK: … LUUUUUUCYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
----
Meanwhile, the VENGEANCE evidently loses power as well, and causes the ENTERPRISE to hike up its skirts and jump out of the way as it falls past it into EARTH’s lower atmosphere.
KHAN: RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Make for Starfleet Headquarters! Because somehow, I can still point this thing in the direction I want.
The VENGEANCE levels out and falls directly at STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS when it trips over ALCATRAZ and lands saucer first into the bay, scraping its way into land and causing a spectacular wreck.
----
ENTERPRISE BRIDGE
SPOCK: Scan for life signs in the ship.
SULU: Are you kidding?
SPOCK: No!
KHAN brushes his hair out of his face and is PERFECTLY FINE after crash. He jumps down out of the debris, and walks away unnoticed, where he finds NEO’s coat on a chair, and takes it.
SULU: Holy crap! He’s alive!
SPOCK: Can we beam him up?
SULU: Nope, we’ve got one way transporters right now, whatever that means.
UHURA: (to SPOCK) Kick his ass, honey!
SPOCK beams down and chases KHAN through SAN FRANCISCO on foot. They both move at top speed whilst keeping perfectly solid facial expressions, which TOBY MAGUIRE could really learn something from. [I still have nightmares.] KHAN leaps onto a street transport. SPOCK follows, reminding us yet again the VULCANS can also be kickass.
Fighting begins. KHAN throws SPOCK all over the place until SPOCK gets a hold of his neck and tries to VULCAN NECK PINCH KHAN to death. KHAN however, proves to be resistant and tries to crush SPOCK’s head with his bare hands.
KHAN: RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
AUDIENCE: Snaaaaap!
SPOCK pulls out his next trick, and establishes a mind meld with KHAN, who freaks out, and jumps onto another transport just to get away from the VULCAN WEIRDO.
Meanwhile, back in SICKBAY
MCCOY looks sadly at KIRK’s body and sits down in a depressed stupor next to DEAD TRIBBLE
DEAD TRIBBLE: Purrrr-purrr-purrr
MCCOY: Quick! Freeze him before his brain goes to pot! Not the tribble!
C. MARCUS: Do we have enough of Khan’s blood left?
MCCOY: No! But I’m sure Khan does.
----
The fight continues, and SPOCK finds his head being squeezed to death in between KHAN’s hands again. UHURA beams onto TRANSPORT and shoots KHAN over and over with a phaser set on stun.
KHAN: That just makes me itch, you know.
SPOCK takes advantage of the distraction and slaps KHAN across the face with METALIC OBJECT. SPOCK proceeds to beat the snot out of KHAN.
UHURA: Why am I always the one screaming at everybody to stop fighting? Stop it! He’s the only one who can save Kirk!
----
STARFLEET MEDICAL FACILITY two weeks later.
KIRK: (wakes up) Am I dead?
MCCOY: You wish!
KIRK: Spock saved me. I knew he would!
MCCOY: Sure, and I had nothing at all to do with it.
SPOCK steps forward.
KIRK: I knew you loved me!
SPOCK: Is he on any pain killers, doctor?
MCCOY: No.
----
ONE YEAR LATER - Enter the WRAP UP.
KHAN still lives, and is put back to sleep in his CYROGENIC POD. Better to not have to deal with him at all, I suppose. Until NEXT TIME that is.
MONTALFANS: Ricardo is so much hotter!
CUMBERBITCHES: And dead!
MONTALFANS: But this guy just wore a whole shirt the whole time.
CUMBERBITCHES give MONTALFANS link to cut KHAN SHOWER SCENE on youtube.
MONTALFANS: Okay, but he didn’t even try to seduce anyone.
CUMBERBITCHES: He doesn’t have to try. It just happens.
GENERAL AUDIENCE: I just downloaded Cumberbatch saying the Jupiter coordinates as my ring tone!
CUMBERBITCHES: We were like you once. But in the end, resistance is futile.
ABRAMS: Can we get back to the movie?
The ENTERPRISE is repaired and re-commissioned, ready for its FIVE YEAR MISSION.
KIRK enters ENTERPRISE BRIDGE fresh-faced and fancy-free.
KIRK: This is going to be so much fun!
MCCOY: Speak for yourself.
KIRK: (to CAROL MARCUS) Welcome aboard, officially. How’ve you been?
C. MARCUS: It’s been a year, so I guess I’m supposed to be over seeing my father’s head be crushed like a watermelon under a steam roller by now.
AUDIENCE: That’s okay, we’re still not over it either.
KIRK: Um, yeah. Scotty, are we ready to go?
SCOTTY: Absolutely - hey don’t touch that - ! (communication is cut off)
KIRK: Right. Let’s go.
Fully repaired ENTERPRISE jumps to warp.
AUDIENCE: Wait a second. Didn’t they meet Khan during the Five Year Mission?
ABRAMS: For CRYING out loud! Alternate timeline = Alternate things happening! Things won’t always happen in the same way or at the same time with the same people! Jeez!
AUDIENCE: So … does that mean we get to skip right to Star Trek IV next time?
ROLL CREDITS!
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