Dwarf Party Planning: Never Going There Again
This is me wishing a Happy Birthday to narniadear! Hope you enjoy!
Oh, and be mindful of the flashbacks.
BILBO: Well it’s about time you showed up!
THORIN OAKENSHIELD: What are you on about little hobbit?
BILBO: (rolls eyes) You know, I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from referencing my species whenever you’re addressing me. After all, I don’t go around saying, “Why hello there, oh steroid popping dwarf!”
BALIN: They never proved that.
BILBO: Now that everyone is here, we should get started.
THORIN: Started? I was never told the reasoning for this summons. I had to rush through my - well, I had to stop what I was doing in order to come here.
KILI: (whispering to Fili) It was his hair appointment.
THORIN: Shut up, Kili. I know where you hide your manicure kit.
BILBO: (slightly exasperated) We are all here to make up for the disaster that was Miss Cecily’s birthday party last year. I’m sure we all can recall it with perfect, horrified clarity. I am also certain that Miss Cecily does as well.
THORIN: (verging on uncomfortable) Those circumstances could not have been avoided.
BILBO: (over whispered dwarf mutterings) Right. Because people are meant to catch fire. I’m afraid that I have to say it, my friend. It was your fault.
THORIN: Lies! All of it!
BILBO: … I should also mention the pathetic excuse you gave her as a gift.
THORIN: It was a collector’s item.
BILBO: I still can’t… quite… see it.
BOFUR: So miniscule that even a hobbit can’t see it!
DWARFS: (roar with laughter)
THORIN: You are exaggerating the circumstances, master hob - Mister Baggins.
BILBO: All right. I spoke with Cecily yesterday. She has, thankfully, completely healed from last year’s catastrophe, and was in very good spirits. Has anyone else seen her recently?
KILI and FILI: We saw her just last week -Yes, she was wearing a new dress, looking quite lovely as I recall. - Yes, yes, she was.
BOMBUR: Indeed, I was invited to her home for breakfast only a fortnight ago. She makes an excellent biscuit.
BALIN: I met with her sister not three days ago. Cecily was in the village at the time, purchasing fresh vegetables I believe.
ORI: I saw Miss Cecily out in the fields reading this afternoon. I stopped to say hello. She smiled at me and asked after my family.
DWALIN: Lovely, lovely woman.
(Other mutterings of confirmation circulate around the room. And all eyes fall upon Thorin who has remained silent.)
BILBO: Have you spoken with her recently?
THORIN: (squirms in his seat a little) I did see her at the opening of the month. I greeted her and - she jumped upon seeing me, let out a squeak, and ran in the opposite direction.
BILBO: You see, now? Thorin, this is a chance for you to redeem yourself in her eyes.
BALIN: You can’t blame yourself for that entirely, lad. That was around the same time OIN and GLOIN placed that gum in your beard while you were sleeping, and you had to shave it off. And you don’t have to remind me of how odd you look without it.
DWALIN: Got some of your hair too -
THORIN: Very well! What is it you suggest?
BILBO: No miniature dragons, for a start. It nearly took your eyes out when you attempted to subdue it.
BILBO: No birthday party should end with someone running for a doctor.
KILI: Doc-tors.
BALIN: I suggest that perhaps we plan for a more… traditional setting. No magic, no… borrowed creatures. Just a lovely party.
BOMBUR: With beer!
DWALIN: I can take care of the meat if ya like.
ORI: There should be dancin’ too -
DWARFS: (Look at ORI as if he’s grown an extra head.)
THORIN: (Breaking the silence.) Indeed, ORI. There will be dancing.
BOFUR: But sire -
THORIN: If Miss Cecily wishes to dance, there will be dancing. If she wishes to drink, there will be beer.
FILI: Actually, she mentioned that she likes smoothies -
THORIN: We will more than make up for our mistakes last year -
BILBO: Your - your mistakes.
THORIN: OUR mistakes, which were inexcusable, albeit unprecedented and unavoidable.
DWALIN: Un-dousable too.
THORIN: There will be dancing. There will be singing, drinking, and merriment of all kinds! (Slams fist on table as he stands.) And we will not rest until I am satisfied that Cecily’s happiness for the evening is secure!
THORIN: At the end of the day, she will know what a dwarfish celebration is! One that is unmatched any party she could fathom. One that blows her mind hole!
DWARFS: (Cheer and applaud. They toast, and slap each other on the back.)
THORIN: (looking to Gandalf) You’ve been very quiet.
GANDALF: (Leans over to THORIN) You might earn yourself some bonus points if you invite Thranduil of the wood elves. Granted, he won’t come most likely, but I heard somewhere that your Miss Cecily had taken quite a fancy to him.
[*My Janet music* "dah-DAH-dah!"]
THORIN: I do not plan parties to be attended by elves.
GANDALF: A simple suggestion is all I’m making. Suggesting is just about as far as I tend to go under ordinary circumstances.
Oh, and be mindful of the flashbacks.
BILBO: Well it’s about time you showed up!
THORIN OAKENSHIELD: What are you on about little hobbit?
BILBO: (rolls eyes) You know, I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from referencing my species whenever you’re addressing me. After all, I don’t go around saying, “Why hello there, oh steroid popping dwarf!”
BALIN: They never proved that.
BILBO: Now that everyone is here, we should get started.
THORIN: Started? I was never told the reasoning for this summons. I had to rush through my - well, I had to stop what I was doing in order to come here.
KILI: (whispering to Fili) It was his hair appointment.
THORIN: Shut up, Kili. I know where you hide your manicure kit.
BILBO: (slightly exasperated) We are all here to make up for the disaster that was Miss Cecily’s birthday party last year. I’m sure we all can recall it with perfect, horrified clarity. I am also certain that Miss Cecily does as well.
THORIN: (verging on uncomfortable) Those circumstances could not have been avoided.
BILBO: (over whispered dwarf mutterings) Right. Because people are meant to catch fire. I’m afraid that I have to say it, my friend. It was your fault.
THORIN: Lies! All of it!
BILBO: … I should also mention the pathetic excuse you gave her as a gift.
THORIN: It was a collector’s item.
BILBO: I still can’t… quite… see it.
BOFUR: So miniscule that even a hobbit can’t see it!
DWARFS: (roar with laughter)
THORIN: You are exaggerating the circumstances, master hob - Mister Baggins.
BILBO: All right. I spoke with Cecily yesterday. She has, thankfully, completely healed from last year’s catastrophe, and was in very good spirits. Has anyone else seen her recently?
KILI and FILI: We saw her just last week -Yes, she was wearing a new dress, looking quite lovely as I recall. - Yes, yes, she was.
BOMBUR: Indeed, I was invited to her home for breakfast only a fortnight ago. She makes an excellent biscuit.
BALIN: I met with her sister not three days ago. Cecily was in the village at the time, purchasing fresh vegetables I believe.
ORI: I saw Miss Cecily out in the fields reading this afternoon. I stopped to say hello. She smiled at me and asked after my family.
DWALIN: Lovely, lovely woman.
(Other mutterings of confirmation circulate around the room. And all eyes fall upon Thorin who has remained silent.)
BILBO: Have you spoken with her recently?
THORIN: (squirms in his seat a little) I did see her at the opening of the month. I greeted her and - she jumped upon seeing me, let out a squeak, and ran in the opposite direction.
BILBO: You see, now? Thorin, this is a chance for you to redeem yourself in her eyes.
BALIN: You can’t blame yourself for that entirely, lad. That was around the same time OIN and GLOIN placed that gum in your beard while you were sleeping, and you had to shave it off. And you don’t have to remind me of how odd you look without it.
DWALIN: Got some of your hair too -
THORIN: Very well! What is it you suggest?
BILBO: No miniature dragons, for a start. It nearly took your eyes out when you attempted to subdue it.
BILBO: No birthday party should end with someone running for a doctor.
KILI: Doc-tors.
BALIN: I suggest that perhaps we plan for a more… traditional setting. No magic, no… borrowed creatures. Just a lovely party.
BOMBUR: With beer!
DWALIN: I can take care of the meat if ya like.
ORI: There should be dancin’ too -
DWARFS: (Look at ORI as if he’s grown an extra head.)
THORIN: (Breaking the silence.) Indeed, ORI. There will be dancing.
BOFUR: But sire -
THORIN: If Miss Cecily wishes to dance, there will be dancing. If she wishes to drink, there will be beer.
FILI: Actually, she mentioned that she likes smoothies -
THORIN: We will more than make up for our mistakes last year -
BILBO: Your - your mistakes.
THORIN: OUR mistakes, which were inexcusable, albeit unprecedented and unavoidable.
DWALIN: Un-dousable too.
THORIN: There will be dancing. There will be singing, drinking, and merriment of all kinds! (Slams fist on table as he stands.) And we will not rest until I am satisfied that Cecily’s happiness for the evening is secure!
THORIN: At the end of the day, she will know what a dwarfish celebration is! One that is unmatched any party she could fathom. One that blows her mind hole!
DWARFS: (Cheer and applaud. They toast, and slap each other on the back.)
THORIN: (looking to Gandalf) You’ve been very quiet.
GANDALF: (Leans over to THORIN) You might earn yourself some bonus points if you invite Thranduil of the wood elves. Granted, he won’t come most likely, but I heard somewhere that your Miss Cecily had taken quite a fancy to him.
[*My Janet music* "dah-DAH-dah!"]
THORIN: I do not plan parties to be attended by elves.
GANDALF: A simple suggestion is all I’m making. Suggesting is just about as far as I tend to go under ordinary circumstances.