(no subject)
thinking about not getting married ever. I'm happy for my sister and all, but how can you ever commit yourself to ONE PERSON?
another thing: after Jon came over on Friday, and gave back all my stuff, I was pretty upset, and then I was mad. Why do we waste our time giving ourselves to another person, if it can so easily be given back? Why do we give our hearts and souls and bodies to people, only to have it flung back in our faces? I still care about him. Always will. And I know I hurt him, but now I feel hurt and I was all ready to give up on love. Forever. You know. Say I never want to love again. That I don't believe any of it. It all must be lies if it's so easily given up, if it's so easily returned.
My heart had turned to ice. Then I saw RENT and bawled my eyes out for two hours. I think I melted. And my friend's mother died, suddenly of cancer. ANd i realize now that I can't give up faith that easily. I have to believe in people. Maybe this will make me more vulnerable to pain, to hurt. I don't care about that. Maybe I need to feel pain in order to feel real love. Maybe that was the problem with JOn and I's relationship. We were always so safe. I was so afraid of being hurt I never gave in to passion. I was drowning in fear and carefully calculating my future. No more. You have to take risks in order to receive rewards. You have to expose yourself, you have to be willing to hurt to know what love is. I don't want to have regrets, but I don't want to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I want to focus on what I want now. I want to remain open to people in the present, give them something of myself. I cannot be afraid to open up. That would be a mistake.
I'm ready to go back to school, because believe it or not, I am missing that boy. Oh, boys. Wouldn't it be easier if we didn't have such feelings? If we could hookup without regrets, without attachments? Oh well. Onwards I go!
another thing: after Jon came over on Friday, and gave back all my stuff, I was pretty upset, and then I was mad. Why do we waste our time giving ourselves to another person, if it can so easily be given back? Why do we give our hearts and souls and bodies to people, only to have it flung back in our faces? I still care about him. Always will. And I know I hurt him, but now I feel hurt and I was all ready to give up on love. Forever. You know. Say I never want to love again. That I don't believe any of it. It all must be lies if it's so easily given up, if it's so easily returned.
My heart had turned to ice. Then I saw RENT and bawled my eyes out for two hours. I think I melted. And my friend's mother died, suddenly of cancer. ANd i realize now that I can't give up faith that easily. I have to believe in people. Maybe this will make me more vulnerable to pain, to hurt. I don't care about that. Maybe I need to feel pain in order to feel real love. Maybe that was the problem with JOn and I's relationship. We were always so safe. I was so afraid of being hurt I never gave in to passion. I was drowning in fear and carefully calculating my future. No more. You have to take risks in order to receive rewards. You have to expose yourself, you have to be willing to hurt to know what love is. I don't want to have regrets, but I don't want to dwell on the past or worry about the future. I want to focus on what I want now. I want to remain open to people in the present, give them something of myself. I cannot be afraid to open up. That would be a mistake.
I'm ready to go back to school, because believe it or not, I am missing that boy. Oh, boys. Wouldn't it be easier if we didn't have such feelings? If we could hookup without regrets, without attachments? Oh well. Onwards I go!