Have I ever told you how dumb I was? It's simple to realize now.. but only in the slightest of clearings in this haze of life. Atleast I'm half right... half of the solution is, however, none of the solution. Be brave Lauren Bright. Things will come in time ... it's but the first weeks of being on your own.
I want to say it's natural. I want to say it'll be alright. What I really want to say is that I know there's a solution and I'll be the one to find it for you ... but alas, I'd be lying if not obesessing if I made such a conclusive statement. I've been living alone for as long as you have - probably longer because none of my friends have terribly good relationships with our families and therefore stick close to each other than to our kin. It's true that some of those same friends are your friends too ... but we sometimes fail to realize that each and everyone of us deal with the burden of being independent seperately.
I'm not trying to throw anyone out into the road right now but I guess I could begin by naming some people out. My ex-girlfriend (who thankfully never reads this) deals with her independentness by dating a lot of guys (a lot). My long term asian friend turned chess leader finds his time immersed by marked times of Halo (I suppose this could be what you're trying to accomplish). ... I'm rackin my mind for names and people but I do hope you get the point I'm trying to make. Everyone deals with this and everyone has problems. Heh. I'm not saying that you're being awful, I'm not. I'm simply trying to get you to stop saying that you're a burden ... that you're not good enough ... that sorry. For what?
To tell you my truth, I deal with my own problems of depression, and I'm terribly sorry, by using you. It's terribly hard for me to say this and terrible yet for acting on it and I'm sure Chris and whomever else reads this will future terrorize me in being a nut-case but I hope, sincerely, that by throwing my full mind on tackling and making (and I'm embarassed to say it) your life happy (I guess that's the word for it), I try to end the thoughts of depression, mental instability, loneliness (yes, even I of many internet buddies get lonely). I hope this doesn't give you cause for concern or worry but (and I do know you get distressed with me for doing so) by taking big leaps of faith and trying as best I can to make sure you're getting the best possible . (the philosophy that if you love someone, it means that doesn't matter what happiness you get externally if only you provide the means of making them happy because their happiness is your happiness ... comes to mind).
I don't really feel like classifying this as drama and I know you're going to take this the wrong way and Chris is going to hate me after this but in my world - the philosophy I follow anyways - Chris needs to move and do whatever in Miss. because not applying yourself completely, overtly, and with abandon at a relationship - of someone you say that you love completely, is not the way to provide for that person especially if that person if you ... and I say this with the most caring of terms - you who suffer such terrible < ... > words cannot properly describe < ... > bouts of depression.
I don't want you on meds again. You're not a crazy person Lauren Bright ... and to my knowledge, only crazy people and those in pain need pills and I want to believe that you're not the later either but it could be... but you don't need meds or some crazy fuck telling you that you're depressed and need pills.
I have to say though that I'm pretty dumb for making that vow yesterday without abandon and that simply wasn't what you needed at the time (you should have said directly) but that's the way it goes with my philosophy and it being a blood vow, I'm keeping it. I'm sorry and you won't be terribly happy when it happens but I'm keeping it.
Work calls and I can't form my ideas perfectly in stress so I'll think about this the entire day and tell you later.
I want to say it's natural. I want to say it'll be alright. What I really want to say is that I know there's a solution and I'll be the one to find it for you ... but alas, I'd be lying if not obesessing if I made such a conclusive statement. I've been living alone for as long as you have - probably longer because none of my friends have terribly good relationships with our families and therefore stick close to each other than to our kin. It's true that some of those same friends are your friends too ... but we sometimes fail to realize that each and everyone of us deal with the burden of being independent seperately.
I'm not trying to throw anyone out into the road right now but I guess I could begin by naming some people out. My ex-girlfriend (who thankfully never reads this) deals with her independentness by dating a lot of guys (a lot). My long term asian friend turned chess leader finds his time immersed by marked times of Halo (I suppose this could be what you're trying to accomplish). ... I'm rackin my mind for names and people but I do hope you get the point I'm trying to make. Everyone deals with this and everyone has problems. Heh. I'm not saying that you're being awful, I'm not. I'm simply trying to get you to stop saying that you're a burden ... that you're not good enough ... that sorry. For what?
To tell you my truth, I deal with my own problems of depression, and I'm terribly sorry, by using you. It's terribly hard for me to say this and terrible yet for acting on it and I'm sure Chris and whomever else reads this will future terrorize me in being a nut-case but I hope, sincerely, that by throwing my full mind on tackling and making (and I'm embarassed to say it) your life happy (I guess that's the word for it), I try to end the thoughts of depression, mental instability, loneliness (yes, even I of many internet buddies get lonely). I hope this doesn't give you cause for concern or worry but (and I do know you get distressed with me for doing so) by taking big leaps of faith and trying as best I can to make sure you're getting the best possible . (the philosophy that if you love someone, it means that doesn't matter what happiness you get externally if only you provide the means of making them happy because their happiness is your happiness ... comes to mind).
I don't really feel like classifying this as drama and I know you're going to take this the wrong way and Chris is going to hate me after this but in my world - the philosophy I follow anyways - Chris needs to move and do whatever in Miss. because not applying yourself completely, overtly, and with abandon at a relationship - of someone you say that you love completely, is not the way to provide for that person especially if that person if you ... and I say this with the most caring of terms - you who suffer such terrible < ... > words cannot properly describe < ... > bouts of depression.
I don't want you on meds again. You're not a crazy person Lauren Bright ... and to my knowledge, only crazy people and those in pain need pills and I want to believe that you're not the later either but it could be... but you don't need meds or some crazy fuck telling you that you're depressed and need pills.
I have to say though that I'm pretty dumb for making that vow yesterday without abandon and that simply wasn't what you needed at the time (you should have said directly) but that's the way it goes with my philosophy and it being a blood vow, I'm keeping it. I'm sorry and you won't be terribly happy when it happens but I'm keeping it.
Work calls and I can't form my ideas perfectly in stress so I'll think about this the entire day and tell you later.
Love,
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