FanFiction: Pansy's Eye On Everything
Title: Pansy’s Eye On Everything
Author: Abremaline
Rating: R to be safe.
Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created by J.K.Rowling. Characters are over the age of 18 in this.
Summary: Written for awdt
Prompt: “Your story needs to be written in the form of a newspaper article for a gossip column. Ali has added that you get 10 points of you tell us something we don't know, haha. And you can inlcude paparazzi shots, too, if you like.”
Pansy’s Eye On Everything
Draco Malfoy Tattooed…With Potter’s TONGUE!
Jake Stokes of ‘InkStokes Tattoo Parlour’ on Dodgy Ave, West London told everything while under Veritaserum last week to a group of interested listeners. Well, one listener anyway. Me.
The best juice of it all was that Draco Malfoy got himself a tattoo of Harry Potter’s head placed directly onto his crutch. The tattoo was performed magically, by Potter’s own tongue, while under supervision by professional tattoo artists. After the tat, and Draco, were finished it leaped off Draco’s crutch and serviced the entire room full of supervisors. A memory bottle was extracted under torture and threat and is now available for biddings on Wbay. I take PayPal and Cash only.
Lucius Malfoy’s Gravesite Increased in Size
Lucius Malfoy’s grave next week is going to increased one mile in each direction. It’s to allow to all that extra rolling over he’s going to be doing in there when his ghost finds out about his son’s new tattoo. Don’t worry, if no one else informs him first, I will gladly do so. It’s only right and fair that it be me, after he BLEW UP my husband, in the middle of the damn ceremony. Mother always did say, “Never forgive anything. Use it for your own gains.” My gain is revenge. Bastard.
Ginny Jilted
Ginny Weasley’s second attempt at wedding long term partner Dean Thomas has once again been halted. This time however, instead of Ginny running off with declarations of love for Harry Potter, it was Dean, using the exact same declarations.
Ginny was halfway up the isle when the ceremony was disrupted by news of the Wbay biddings opening for the memory of Potter’s tattoo. What can I say? After the last attempted wedding, this one was a perfect advertising opportunity.
Club Closing After Tax Fraud Allegations
Seamus Finnigan’s club and bar is to be closed in order to avoid an investigation into the accountancy books by the Taxation Department. Apparently Finnigan has a great deal of undeclared income from things we can’t print in this paper.
Rumours heard in the Quidditch lockers assure me a new bar is going to be opened by a Shamous Fannyghan in the exact same location. For those in fear, don’t worry, the new club and bar will be offering the exact same services to those who might be interested in that kind of specific entertainment.
Weasley Twins’s Adult Store Sued
This is why you should never use a recorder to create your catalogues. Gossip, although always wonderful, can be a dangerous thing if left in the wrong hands. I assume you all remember that a list of customer’s who regularly purchase products from the ‘Skat Man’ range was revealed to us all last month. Strangely enough, it turns out that many of these customers were severely unimpressed to have their peculiar kink aired to all of us. A group action lawsuit is underway with funding from the proprietors of Zonko’s, and if the Weasley twins lose this case then it may mean either the closing of their doors, or a buy-out by Zonko’s.
Trelawney Institutionalised. Finally
After several years of campaigning by ‘The Parents Association of Hogwarts,’ yesterday we were all delighted to watch Sybil Trelawney get hauled away by the same ‘men in white coats’ that took Minerva McGonagall last year, who I’m sure you all remember she was telling the students that she was actually a cat.
Rita Skeeter to be honoured for good works in award ceremony ‘Lucius’s Legacy’
Rita Skeeter got notification by owl yesterday morning that she is to receive an award in the ‘Lucius’s Legacy’ annual ceremony next month. I saw her out shopping for her dress in the afternoon. It is horrifyingly unflattering, you should all bring cameras for snaps of that one. Good bribery later on with that, I should think she will not want pictures of that making front page.
This is Pansy Parkinson, and I’ll be back next week with more. “Even if it’s not true, I’ll invent something for you!”
Also, don’t forget to bid high on that memory bottle. It’s incredibly popular already and I made one copy of it, which is MINE, and definitely never for sale, as I’ll be showing to Lucius’s ghost. Often.
Author: Abremaline
Rating: R to be safe.
Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created by J.K.Rowling. Characters are over the age of 18 in this.
Summary: Written for awdt
Prompt: “Your story needs to be written in the form of a newspaper article for a gossip column. Ali has added that you get 10 points of you tell us something we don't know, haha. And you can inlcude paparazzi shots, too, if you like.”
Pansy’s Eye On Everything
Draco Malfoy Tattooed…With Potter’s TONGUE!
Jake Stokes of ‘InkStokes Tattoo Parlour’ on Dodgy Ave, West London told everything while under Veritaserum last week to a group of interested listeners. Well, one listener anyway. Me.
The best juice of it all was that Draco Malfoy got himself a tattoo of Harry Potter’s head placed directly onto his crutch. The tattoo was performed magically, by Potter’s own tongue, while under supervision by professional tattoo artists. After the tat, and Draco, were finished it leaped off Draco’s crutch and serviced the entire room full of supervisors. A memory bottle was extracted under torture and threat and is now available for biddings on Wbay. I take PayPal and Cash only.
Lucius Malfoy’s Gravesite Increased in Size
Lucius Malfoy’s grave next week is going to increased one mile in each direction. It’s to allow to all that extra rolling over he’s going to be doing in there when his ghost finds out about his son’s new tattoo. Don’t worry, if no one else informs him first, I will gladly do so. It’s only right and fair that it be me, after he BLEW UP my husband, in the middle of the damn ceremony. Mother always did say, “Never forgive anything. Use it for your own gains.” My gain is revenge. Bastard.
Ginny Jilted
Ginny Weasley’s second attempt at wedding long term partner Dean Thomas has once again been halted. This time however, instead of Ginny running off with declarations of love for Harry Potter, it was Dean, using the exact same declarations.
Ginny was halfway up the isle when the ceremony was disrupted by news of the Wbay biddings opening for the memory of Potter’s tattoo. What can I say? After the last attempted wedding, this one was a perfect advertising opportunity.
Club Closing After Tax Fraud Allegations
Seamus Finnigan’s club and bar is to be closed in order to avoid an investigation into the accountancy books by the Taxation Department. Apparently Finnigan has a great deal of undeclared income from things we can’t print in this paper.
Rumours heard in the Quidditch lockers assure me a new bar is going to be opened by a Shamous Fannyghan in the exact same location. For those in fear, don’t worry, the new club and bar will be offering the exact same services to those who might be interested in that kind of specific entertainment.
Weasley Twins’s Adult Store Sued
This is why you should never use a recorder to create your catalogues. Gossip, although always wonderful, can be a dangerous thing if left in the wrong hands. I assume you all remember that a list of customer’s who regularly purchase products from the ‘Skat Man’ range was revealed to us all last month. Strangely enough, it turns out that many of these customers were severely unimpressed to have their peculiar kink aired to all of us. A group action lawsuit is underway with funding from the proprietors of Zonko’s, and if the Weasley twins lose this case then it may mean either the closing of their doors, or a buy-out by Zonko’s.
Trelawney Institutionalised. Finally
After several years of campaigning by ‘The Parents Association of Hogwarts,’ yesterday we were all delighted to watch Sybil Trelawney get hauled away by the same ‘men in white coats’ that took Minerva McGonagall last year, who I’m sure you all remember she was telling the students that she was actually a cat.
Rita Skeeter to be honoured for good works in award ceremony ‘Lucius’s Legacy’
Rita Skeeter got notification by owl yesterday morning that she is to receive an award in the ‘Lucius’s Legacy’ annual ceremony next month. I saw her out shopping for her dress in the afternoon. It is horrifyingly unflattering, you should all bring cameras for snaps of that one. Good bribery later on with that, I should think she will not want pictures of that making front page.
This is Pansy Parkinson, and I’ll be back next week with more. “Even if it’s not true, I’ll invent something for you!”
Also, don’t forget to bid high on that memory bottle. It’s incredibly popular already and I made one copy of it, which is MINE, and definitely never for sale, as I’ll be showing to Lucius’s ghost. Often.