fandom_muses :: March :: Changed...
How have you changed in the past year?
He changed me. I've always been the one with the answers, the abilities, the edge. I've always been on my own, using and stepping over whomever I had to in order to get my way, to get what I want. I’ve always taken advantage of any potentially beneficial opportunity to get ahead and never felt guilty. There’s never been an issue of loyalty or trust or love or anything. It’s been Cristina against the world or Cristina’s attempts to takeover the world, depending on your vantage point.
But, he changed me. Things got weird after Burke got shot. I had all these feelings - these weird, human feelings - like fear and worry and… it was overwhelming. When his hand was still shaking, I knew, and I kept his secret. I did surgeries with him, to help him and protect him, not exploit him for the opportunity to do something new. If it had been someone else - namely, Marlowe, I would’ve exploited him, because the motivation there would have been completely different. But I did surgeries with Burke not to show-off, but to protect him and his secret for as long as I could. If Marlowe had a secret, then I would have let him hang himself; I would have scrubbed in and played dumb. But I cared about what would happen to Burke, which is inevitably why I told.
And, this is how I know he changed me. We didn’t speak for weeks, and it hurt. It fucking hurt. It tore me apart. It made me crazy. No one else has been able to single-handedly hurt me and make me insane without saying a damn word. But he did. And, then I broke the silence, and I told him I was in it for the long haul, to win the race. I was serious. I meant it. And, I think he doubts that now, but I meant it, every word. And he broke his silence by proposing. He asked me to marry him. And… okay, I’ve been in that situation before, but it meant something, coming from him. That’s why it took me awhile to answer, because I know that kind of person I am. But I said yes, and I meant it.
He’s changed me, and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know because Colin Marlowe is here and ruining everything. Have I ever been the girl who dreams about a wedding and picks out dresses and cares about a ceremony? No. I’m not. And yes, I’m the same girl who said the marriage was for the weak. I said it. I said those very words, and yes, I meant them when I said them. But, do I mean them now? No. I don’t. And I’d do the whole wedding thing for Burke because I love him, not to placate him. But he doesn’t know that, because Marlowe has ruined this. I think he might be walking away now, and that hurts… it fucking hurts and it confuses me. I almost wish I’d opened up more or done something different. But, now I don’t know if I’ll ever fix my engagement or if I even want to. I don’t know anymore; I don’t have all the answers anymore because he changed me.
He changed me. I've always been the one with the answers, the abilities, the edge. I've always been on my own, using and stepping over whomever I had to in order to get my way, to get what I want. I’ve always taken advantage of any potentially beneficial opportunity to get ahead and never felt guilty. There’s never been an issue of loyalty or trust or love or anything. It’s been Cristina against the world or Cristina’s attempts to takeover the world, depending on your vantage point.
But, he changed me. Things got weird after Burke got shot. I had all these feelings - these weird, human feelings - like fear and worry and… it was overwhelming. When his hand was still shaking, I knew, and I kept his secret. I did surgeries with him, to help him and protect him, not exploit him for the opportunity to do something new. If it had been someone else - namely, Marlowe, I would’ve exploited him, because the motivation there would have been completely different. But I did surgeries with Burke not to show-off, but to protect him and his secret for as long as I could. If Marlowe had a secret, then I would have let him hang himself; I would have scrubbed in and played dumb. But I cared about what would happen to Burke, which is inevitably why I told.
And, this is how I know he changed me. We didn’t speak for weeks, and it hurt. It fucking hurt. It tore me apart. It made me crazy. No one else has been able to single-handedly hurt me and make me insane without saying a damn word. But he did. And, then I broke the silence, and I told him I was in it for the long haul, to win the race. I was serious. I meant it. And, I think he doubts that now, but I meant it, every word. And he broke his silence by proposing. He asked me to marry him. And… okay, I’ve been in that situation before, but it meant something, coming from him. That’s why it took me awhile to answer, because I know that kind of person I am. But I said yes, and I meant it.
He’s changed me, and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know because Colin Marlowe is here and ruining everything. Have I ever been the girl who dreams about a wedding and picks out dresses and cares about a ceremony? No. I’m not. And yes, I’m the same girl who said the marriage was for the weak. I said it. I said those very words, and yes, I meant them when I said them. But, do I mean them now? No. I don’t. And I’d do the whole wedding thing for Burke because I love him, not to placate him. But he doesn’t know that, because Marlowe has ruined this. I think he might be walking away now, and that hurts… it fucking hurts and it confuses me. I almost wish I’d opened up more or done something different. But, now I don’t know if I’ll ever fix my engagement or if I even want to. I don’t know anymore; I don’t have all the answers anymore because he changed me.