she says 'you're changing'.. but we're always changing..
I decided to look through my old journalpeepotsally (mostly all friends only) for some happenings over the last decade to do a meme.. I didn't get through enough of it to do that, but I came across this entry.. I wrote it for crashfive back in the beginning of 2008 and it was about divorce then, but reading it now.. almost two years (!!!!!) later, I find that it still applies.. and that it applies to a broader spectrum than just the process of going through a divorce. It is maybe one of my favorite things that I've written and I had completely forgotten about it. So here you go, I hope that it helps someone out there.. that maybe somewhere in here lies something that someone needs to hear right this second. Love your faces! ~Sar
I, I'm a one-way motorway
I'm a road that drives away and follows you back home
I, I'm a streetlight shining
I'm a white light blinding bright, burning off and on
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again
I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
But I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again
Foo Fighters - Times Like These
And everything that I want to tell you is that it is all going to be okay again. Leave the 'you and me' out of it for now but to tell you that there is some greater plan. That although you'll be devestated, although your world will feel like it is crumbling swiftly at your feet that one day you will wake up. One day you will take a breath deeper than you can ever recall having taken before and in that moment, you will realize that you do have your own identity... your own life. That not only can you survive without anyone else, you can thrive and yes, even grow. You'll realize that you can walk out of the burning building with a few scars and a lot of bruises and have the past burned off of you. You'll feel cliche.. that yes, this is truly the first day of the rest of my life.. you will feel a relief that will be exhilarating at first.. then replaced by guilt for feeling it.. and then eventually will return to the freedom of exhilaration for just being yourself.
And you will hate God for awhile. You will question Him, and you will question yourself. You will feel alone in a room full of people. You will feel overstimulated when you are all by yourself. But I urge you to seek that peaceful feeling and when you find it, immerse yourself in it from head to toe and soak in it until your whole body feels wrinkly and waterlogged. Be thankful in that moment. Thankful for what you've had, thankful for what you've lost, thankful for what you've found. Keep the good parts of your relationship. Lock them away somewhere to pull out when you're in a better place. Throw out the bad memories--but don't forget them. Keep only the wisdom of what you have come to know about yourself because of them. Be grateful that you gave every chance you did and do not regret a single word, a single decision you have made along the way. Know that everything truly does happen for a reason. Know that there is meaning in every rustling of the leaves-- and also in every crunch of them beneath your feet.
Know that you are loved.. if by no one else, by God. Even in your anger toards Him. Know that he loves you and holds you in His hands. Know that He is bringing you into something that is good for you. Know that He has a plan. And know that although you feel at times like you cannot breathe, cannot think, cannot cry any more than you already have -- know that He will never give you more than you can handle. I want to tell you that there are no "quick fixes" to get you out to the other side, but that there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel -- even when all you can see is darkness -- know that it is there.
And I want to tell you that one day in the near future you'll feel like you're done feeling sad or angry, or bitter, or lonely.. and then the train will hit you again. You will feel the same emotions over and over with an intensity that you didn't think possible. And you'll try to ignore it. You'll try to push away the thoughts and the feelings.. you'll try to avoid the pain. But know that you have to experience it.. you have to live the pain or it won't ever go away. Know that regression is a part of the process. I want to tell you that there is no timeline... no guide to tell you how you're supposed to feel at any given time. No magic number of days for mourning.. no revelation of a day that you stop feeling horrible. The waves will come and go. Some days you will feel like you are on top of the world -- and I pray that these days are the most prevalent in your life. Some days you will not want to move. You will want to do nothing but lay completely still in fear that moving will break everything around you again.
But mostly I want to tell you that you will learn so much about yourself in the coming days, weeks, months... you will learn that you are stronger than you thought you were, that you are courageous. You will be impressed with how far you have come when you look back. You will know that it wasn't all a waste of time -- you'll come to realize that although you still feel hurt and betrayed that you don't feel like it was all a lie anymore. And when you stop being numb and pretending that all of this happened to someone else.. that it's all okay.. that it will hurt more than you can imagine... but that it will also take you a step closer to knowing the feeling of peace and acceptance that you're looking for. You will know that it meant something. That your life is not over.. that there are a thousand blank pages waiting to be filled-in with things that you cannot even begin to comprehend now. So celebrate the little victories. Live each part of the process. Dance in the middle of the room when you're happy -- even if you look stupid doing it. Cry with your whole heart when you feel the need to. Love yourself for who you are.. for you can be no one else -- and it's one job you're damn good at doing. :) Learn to live again.. learn to love again.. not necessarily a person.. but everything around you. There is so much out there for you. The best is yet to come.
I, I'm a new day rising-- I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight...
I, I'm a one-way motorway
I'm a road that drives away and follows you back home
I, I'm a streetlight shining
I'm a white light blinding bright, burning off and on
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again
I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
But I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again
Foo Fighters - Times Like These
And everything that I want to tell you is that it is all going to be okay again. Leave the 'you and me' out of it for now but to tell you that there is some greater plan. That although you'll be devestated, although your world will feel like it is crumbling swiftly at your feet that one day you will wake up. One day you will take a breath deeper than you can ever recall having taken before and in that moment, you will realize that you do have your own identity... your own life. That not only can you survive without anyone else, you can thrive and yes, even grow. You'll realize that you can walk out of the burning building with a few scars and a lot of bruises and have the past burned off of you. You'll feel cliche.. that yes, this is truly the first day of the rest of my life.. you will feel a relief that will be exhilarating at first.. then replaced by guilt for feeling it.. and then eventually will return to the freedom of exhilaration for just being yourself.
And you will hate God for awhile. You will question Him, and you will question yourself. You will feel alone in a room full of people. You will feel overstimulated when you are all by yourself. But I urge you to seek that peaceful feeling and when you find it, immerse yourself in it from head to toe and soak in it until your whole body feels wrinkly and waterlogged. Be thankful in that moment. Thankful for what you've had, thankful for what you've lost, thankful for what you've found. Keep the good parts of your relationship. Lock them away somewhere to pull out when you're in a better place. Throw out the bad memories--but don't forget them. Keep only the wisdom of what you have come to know about yourself because of them. Be grateful that you gave every chance you did and do not regret a single word, a single decision you have made along the way. Know that everything truly does happen for a reason. Know that there is meaning in every rustling of the leaves-- and also in every crunch of them beneath your feet.
Know that you are loved.. if by no one else, by God. Even in your anger toards Him. Know that he loves you and holds you in His hands. Know that He is bringing you into something that is good for you. Know that He has a plan. And know that although you feel at times like you cannot breathe, cannot think, cannot cry any more than you already have -- know that He will never give you more than you can handle. I want to tell you that there are no "quick fixes" to get you out to the other side, but that there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel -- even when all you can see is darkness -- know that it is there.
And I want to tell you that one day in the near future you'll feel like you're done feeling sad or angry, or bitter, or lonely.. and then the train will hit you again. You will feel the same emotions over and over with an intensity that you didn't think possible. And you'll try to ignore it. You'll try to push away the thoughts and the feelings.. you'll try to avoid the pain. But know that you have to experience it.. you have to live the pain or it won't ever go away. Know that regression is a part of the process. I want to tell you that there is no timeline... no guide to tell you how you're supposed to feel at any given time. No magic number of days for mourning.. no revelation of a day that you stop feeling horrible. The waves will come and go. Some days you will feel like you are on top of the world -- and I pray that these days are the most prevalent in your life. Some days you will not want to move. You will want to do nothing but lay completely still in fear that moving will break everything around you again.
But mostly I want to tell you that you will learn so much about yourself in the coming days, weeks, months... you will learn that you are stronger than you thought you were, that you are courageous. You will be impressed with how far you have come when you look back. You will know that it wasn't all a waste of time -- you'll come to realize that although you still feel hurt and betrayed that you don't feel like it was all a lie anymore. And when you stop being numb and pretending that all of this happened to someone else.. that it's all okay.. that it will hurt more than you can imagine... but that it will also take you a step closer to knowing the feeling of peace and acceptance that you're looking for. You will know that it meant something. That your life is not over.. that there are a thousand blank pages waiting to be filled-in with things that you cannot even begin to comprehend now. So celebrate the little victories. Live each part of the process. Dance in the middle of the room when you're happy -- even if you look stupid doing it. Cry with your whole heart when you feel the need to. Love yourself for who you are.. for you can be no one else -- and it's one job you're damn good at doing. :) Learn to live again.. learn to love again.. not necessarily a person.. but everything around you. There is so much out there for you. The best is yet to come.
I, I'm a new day rising-- I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight...