here we go again...
everything is falling apart.
i am so depressed that it aches throughout my body. all of a sudden my world is unraveling. it's just been a long list of things that have happened that finally built up. it is REALLY hard for me to explain this and find the words to say. im trying not to sound whiney or whatever but i need to really try and get this out.
first of all, i have managed to really fuck myself over financially. again. it seems like this happens every few months. hmmm. anyway, i quit my job knowing that i had enough money to pay the rent and cable bill and figured i would just find a new job. nope. 2 weeks(?)later...still nothing. i had an interview at the liquor store which went well but i was required to take a background check and drug test before they would hire me. dont know how i did yet. hopefully i will find out soon because theyve been dicking me around for almost as long as i havent had a job. im going to apply at the hard rock cafe tomorrow. everything else... i dont want to do or i dont qualify for. ive come to the realization that i am not going anywhere with a degree in psychology besides under the poverty line. that really stings. i mean... i worked hard to get through college. not as hard as i should have but i put forth a lot of effort juggling work, school, bills and bipolar disorder. i should get a fucking prize. and after all that... i have nothing. i feel so terrible about myself and useless. so im thinking about going back to school for nursing but then i have to do the whole work/school thing AGAIN and that really sucks. i cant ask my mom for money because she has none. i feel bad asking my dad and everytime i make a subtle hint about it he tries to give me input on where to find a job. hi...umm finding a job that will pay me in 2 weeks is not going to help me NOW. and i dont want him to lecture me about money. his best offer today was taking me out to lunch on tuesday and filling up my gas tank and giving me one of his gas credit cards. wow... lots of help there. I DONT DRIVE ANYWHERE.
in addition to that whole not-having-money-coming-in situation... i found out that im negative $106 with my HSBC account. they keep calling me which is REALLY frustrating because i have no money to pay for it. i dont want it to fuck with my bank account that i have here OR fuck up my credit even more and it sucks. i also have my cell phone bill which is due at the end of the month which i most likely wont have the money for which means... shut off probably. not like anyone calls me anyway. i also have no gas in my car, no food (which means im basically feeding off anna) and i used the last of my money to buy cigarettes yesterday and managed to STUPIDLY smoke the whole pack last night while i was drunk.
i wonder a lot if my alcohol use has to do with how i feel...but i dont really know. by no means do i need it, but its pretty much all there is to do here. also, it helps me feel a little more relaxed in social situations and able to talk to people. the thing is... no one really talks to me anyway. i dont really know why. im not scary. i try to smile and be approachable. all i get is creepy old guys that are fun to talk to for awhile until they start hitting on me.
i am in desperate need for a job and also for human contact. not working is torture. i feel horrible about myself enough as it is but on top of that i dont have a USE im not being productive. i have to be DOING something with myself in order to be happy. and im home all the time. doing nothing but watching tv or playing video games or staring at my computer screen. i cant even bring myself to read a book mostly because i cant concentrate on much of anything. and now that im unemployed, i have even LESS contact with other people. everyone at jimmy's may not have liked me and most people werent really nice to me but at least it was human contact. now i have none of that. not even at drifters because im too broke to go to the bar. i would be content in sitting at the bar with a book talking to people and not drinking but i feel like i HAVE to drink if i go there unless someone else is with me. and i have anna, but shes working and busy and gets a little freaked out and annoyed im sure when i basically jump on her when she gets home. and its to the point where i am so used to her that unless we are actually going out and doing something its like she doesnt count. shes just background like my cat...shes there, its normal. and that isnt enough for me and i cant always expect her to go out and do stuff. i feel bad because im kind of attached to her hip and i feel like im slowing her down especially now that i am kind of a financial burden. i dont want to be like that.
i am in fact so desperate for human contact and acceptance and feeling close to someone that i stooped to the level of bringing the bartender home last night/this morning. i waited for like 3 hours for him to close and it took him forever because he was so wasted. as i sobered up i started to realize how nasty he was and how stupid and how much i would be lowering my standards. but i wanted that closeness so bad. and i didnt want to walk home by myself when it was dark out so i waited. we got back to my house and he claimed that he couldn't do it because he was too drunk. i was so angry that i just started screaming at him and kicked him out. im GLAD that i didnt sleep with him but i still feel so vile and disgusting and low for being like that. i really wish that i was too stupid to realize why i was doing it.
the worst part is...and maybe its because i trust the wrong people...everytime i start to be OK with someone or trust them, something happens to break that. and it can be little things. maybe i expect too much from people. im really sensitive. its possible. im just tired of being hurt and let down so much i cant HANDLE it. especially not now... not in a place where i dont have anyone but anna.
what pushes the knife in even further is the fact that almost no one from buffalo talks to me anymore. becky never answers the phone when i call and she calles me back maybe once a week. shannon is the only one i talk to on a regular basis. everyone claimed that they would miss me so much and cried with me and i guess acted all fake because no one else is picking up the phone when i call. i just gave up after awhile and erased numbers. i talk to a couple of people online but its not like having girlfriends. i cant bitch about shit and i cant talk about guys... its just not the same. i miss having that. i miss having someone to hang out with ALL the time. like i could just call mikie at like 2 in the morning and go hang out with her. for some reason i have the need to be constantly surrounded by people. i guess it was just fake the whole time. that hurts SO bad. for the first time in my life i felt like i was cool. i have been wanting to feel like that since i can remember and i finally did and now that has all gone to shit. now i just feel like the fat girl that everyone takes pity on and makes fun of when shes not around.
i miss my mom. i talk to her the same amount that i talked to her in buffalo but i miss her way more. i dont know why. maybe its the fact that in buffalo she was only 2 hours away. 40-50 bucks isnt hard to come up with when you want to go home. $300 is. i miss the familiarity of everything.
i miss everything in buffalo that i took for granted. i miss my old apartment and the way the hallway smelled when you went up the stairs. i miss being able to find my way around anywhere. i miss the ability to just... go to the park. all you had to do was pick a park and go there and it would be relaxing. the only park i know of here besides the state park is kind of in the ghetto. the state park is not somewhere i would go alone either. i miss the architecture. i miss the live music and art. i miss the culture. i miss elmwood. i miss being able to go to thursday at the square. i miss going to forestlawn cemetary and walking around and looking at all the statues and mausoleums and monuments and feeling peaceful. i miss being so close to niagara falls. i miss the consumers i worked with at Sheridan. i miss open mic night at broadway joes. i miss amy's place. i miss walking through UB south campus and looking at all of the perfect old buildings. i miss all of the potholes that ruined my car. and thinking of all the things that i am GOING to miss kills me even more. the leaves changing and the way the air feels in the fall... like you just want to walk down the sidewalk hand in hand with a boy and wear a sweater and feel a little cold and walk through all the leaves crunching away... and how everything eventually starts to frost over and the way everything looks when that happens even though i hate winter mostly. im going to miss the cold piercing wind in buffalo and bundling up everytime i went out even though i HATED that. im probably going to miss thanksgiving.
everything just sucks so bad. i feel like im in a cage. or a box where no one can see me. i feel invisible. no one understands what its like and no one CAN understand except someone that has been through it and even then they STILL dont understand because it's my own personal experience. i want so badly to break out. i want to rip out of it like in the Alien movies. im so desperate to. for the first time in years i have the urge to start cutting myself again and thats so WEIRD for me. im not going to do it but simply having it there is very disturbing. and further alienating me from people is the fact that im so unhappy and so bitter and cynical and sarcastic and HORRID and i complain all the time and im sure no one wants to be around me at all or even talk to me. to be honest the only thing preventing me from taking my life besides the fear of what will happen next is the fact that i dont want to do that to the people in my life. to my mom, my family, anna... i dont want to cause anyone else pain because of my pain. i dont want anyone to suffer like i do. i dont want to screw anyone over like i have been screwed over. and thats all well and good. at least i have SOMETHING to live for but really... why is it not for me? why is my reason for living OTHER people when it should be for MYSELF. thats just not right. it shouldnt be like that. i should want to do it for myself. its so fucked up. and whats even more fucked up is im starting to feed on the depression. im letting it eat me up. its like i NEED it even though i know its hurting me. im starting to feel like i dont WANT to be happy. why bother... im just going to get fucked over or fuck something up and be sad again. why not just keep it constant. its so fucking twisted. why would i consciously WANT to be like that. i cant believe the way my mind works sometimes and i cant believe that i can actually sit here and figure that out.
on a daily basis i have been changing moods like tv channels. especially today. ill go from uncontrollable anger to utter depression to being slightly content and accepting my situation to having that whole fuck it i dont care attitude to trying to ignore it and keeping myself busy... back and forth back and forth. ive been crying all day. i feel sick. i feel achy. i feel like getting in my bed and not moving. i just want to pull the covers over my head and curl up in a ball and pretend that nothing exists for awhile. like nothing can hurt me... like i did when i was a kid and afraid of monsters.
and if things are like this now... im already on meds. so what will it be like if i have to stop taking them because i cant afford them? i dont know if i can handle that. i constantly feel like the walls are closing in around me and suffocating me. its a horrible feeling. people think they can make it better by encouraging words or hugs or whatever but they cant. its times like these when i wish i wasnt single. i wish i had someone to just hold me. it makes me miss john as much of a dumbass as he was he always understood that i was upset for no reason and he was patient with it and kind and he would just hold me and let me have my moment and not try to cheer me up.
im starting to feel like every decision i have made in the past year (at least) has been a big mistake. it kills me. breaking up with john. deciding not to go to grad school. i mean even moving. i love living with anna but im afraid it was a mistake to move HERE. i dont want it to be like that. i want to be excited. this is a new experience for me and it is supposed to be fucking exciting and its not at all what i thought it would be. the only thing that is going right is being roommates with anna and getting along and having fun like we used to. but that only accounts for so much and it doesnt fill all the other empty things in my life. i wish it could.
its hard for me to even take a breath. this whole thing is so consuming and i HATE it. i HATE it. i want to be manic again and feel good and unstoppable and invincible. i was there for awhile. it was nice. it started to feel like i was normal but i was wrong.
so... i dont know where to go from here. i guess thats it. hopefully ill feel better tomorrow.
i am so depressed that it aches throughout my body. all of a sudden my world is unraveling. it's just been a long list of things that have happened that finally built up. it is REALLY hard for me to explain this and find the words to say. im trying not to sound whiney or whatever but i need to really try and get this out.
first of all, i have managed to really fuck myself over financially. again. it seems like this happens every few months. hmmm. anyway, i quit my job knowing that i had enough money to pay the rent and cable bill and figured i would just find a new job. nope. 2 weeks(?)later...still nothing. i had an interview at the liquor store which went well but i was required to take a background check and drug test before they would hire me. dont know how i did yet. hopefully i will find out soon because theyve been dicking me around for almost as long as i havent had a job. im going to apply at the hard rock cafe tomorrow. everything else... i dont want to do or i dont qualify for. ive come to the realization that i am not going anywhere with a degree in psychology besides under the poverty line. that really stings. i mean... i worked hard to get through college. not as hard as i should have but i put forth a lot of effort juggling work, school, bills and bipolar disorder. i should get a fucking prize. and after all that... i have nothing. i feel so terrible about myself and useless. so im thinking about going back to school for nursing but then i have to do the whole work/school thing AGAIN and that really sucks. i cant ask my mom for money because she has none. i feel bad asking my dad and everytime i make a subtle hint about it he tries to give me input on where to find a job. hi...umm finding a job that will pay me in 2 weeks is not going to help me NOW. and i dont want him to lecture me about money. his best offer today was taking me out to lunch on tuesday and filling up my gas tank and giving me one of his gas credit cards. wow... lots of help there. I DONT DRIVE ANYWHERE.
in addition to that whole not-having-money-coming-in situation... i found out that im negative $106 with my HSBC account. they keep calling me which is REALLY frustrating because i have no money to pay for it. i dont want it to fuck with my bank account that i have here OR fuck up my credit even more and it sucks. i also have my cell phone bill which is due at the end of the month which i most likely wont have the money for which means... shut off probably. not like anyone calls me anyway. i also have no gas in my car, no food (which means im basically feeding off anna) and i used the last of my money to buy cigarettes yesterday and managed to STUPIDLY smoke the whole pack last night while i was drunk.
i wonder a lot if my alcohol use has to do with how i feel...but i dont really know. by no means do i need it, but its pretty much all there is to do here. also, it helps me feel a little more relaxed in social situations and able to talk to people. the thing is... no one really talks to me anyway. i dont really know why. im not scary. i try to smile and be approachable. all i get is creepy old guys that are fun to talk to for awhile until they start hitting on me.
i am in desperate need for a job and also for human contact. not working is torture. i feel horrible about myself enough as it is but on top of that i dont have a USE im not being productive. i have to be DOING something with myself in order to be happy. and im home all the time. doing nothing but watching tv or playing video games or staring at my computer screen. i cant even bring myself to read a book mostly because i cant concentrate on much of anything. and now that im unemployed, i have even LESS contact with other people. everyone at jimmy's may not have liked me and most people werent really nice to me but at least it was human contact. now i have none of that. not even at drifters because im too broke to go to the bar. i would be content in sitting at the bar with a book talking to people and not drinking but i feel like i HAVE to drink if i go there unless someone else is with me. and i have anna, but shes working and busy and gets a little freaked out and annoyed im sure when i basically jump on her when she gets home. and its to the point where i am so used to her that unless we are actually going out and doing something its like she doesnt count. shes just background like my cat...shes there, its normal. and that isnt enough for me and i cant always expect her to go out and do stuff. i feel bad because im kind of attached to her hip and i feel like im slowing her down especially now that i am kind of a financial burden. i dont want to be like that.
i am in fact so desperate for human contact and acceptance and feeling close to someone that i stooped to the level of bringing the bartender home last night/this morning. i waited for like 3 hours for him to close and it took him forever because he was so wasted. as i sobered up i started to realize how nasty he was and how stupid and how much i would be lowering my standards. but i wanted that closeness so bad. and i didnt want to walk home by myself when it was dark out so i waited. we got back to my house and he claimed that he couldn't do it because he was too drunk. i was so angry that i just started screaming at him and kicked him out. im GLAD that i didnt sleep with him but i still feel so vile and disgusting and low for being like that. i really wish that i was too stupid to realize why i was doing it.
the worst part is...and maybe its because i trust the wrong people...everytime i start to be OK with someone or trust them, something happens to break that. and it can be little things. maybe i expect too much from people. im really sensitive. its possible. im just tired of being hurt and let down so much i cant HANDLE it. especially not now... not in a place where i dont have anyone but anna.
what pushes the knife in even further is the fact that almost no one from buffalo talks to me anymore. becky never answers the phone when i call and she calles me back maybe once a week. shannon is the only one i talk to on a regular basis. everyone claimed that they would miss me so much and cried with me and i guess acted all fake because no one else is picking up the phone when i call. i just gave up after awhile and erased numbers. i talk to a couple of people online but its not like having girlfriends. i cant bitch about shit and i cant talk about guys... its just not the same. i miss having that. i miss having someone to hang out with ALL the time. like i could just call mikie at like 2 in the morning and go hang out with her. for some reason i have the need to be constantly surrounded by people. i guess it was just fake the whole time. that hurts SO bad. for the first time in my life i felt like i was cool. i have been wanting to feel like that since i can remember and i finally did and now that has all gone to shit. now i just feel like the fat girl that everyone takes pity on and makes fun of when shes not around.
i miss my mom. i talk to her the same amount that i talked to her in buffalo but i miss her way more. i dont know why. maybe its the fact that in buffalo she was only 2 hours away. 40-50 bucks isnt hard to come up with when you want to go home. $300 is. i miss the familiarity of everything.
i miss everything in buffalo that i took for granted. i miss my old apartment and the way the hallway smelled when you went up the stairs. i miss being able to find my way around anywhere. i miss the ability to just... go to the park. all you had to do was pick a park and go there and it would be relaxing. the only park i know of here besides the state park is kind of in the ghetto. the state park is not somewhere i would go alone either. i miss the architecture. i miss the live music and art. i miss the culture. i miss elmwood. i miss being able to go to thursday at the square. i miss going to forestlawn cemetary and walking around and looking at all the statues and mausoleums and monuments and feeling peaceful. i miss being so close to niagara falls. i miss the consumers i worked with at Sheridan. i miss open mic night at broadway joes. i miss amy's place. i miss walking through UB south campus and looking at all of the perfect old buildings. i miss all of the potholes that ruined my car. and thinking of all the things that i am GOING to miss kills me even more. the leaves changing and the way the air feels in the fall... like you just want to walk down the sidewalk hand in hand with a boy and wear a sweater and feel a little cold and walk through all the leaves crunching away... and how everything eventually starts to frost over and the way everything looks when that happens even though i hate winter mostly. im going to miss the cold piercing wind in buffalo and bundling up everytime i went out even though i HATED that. im probably going to miss thanksgiving.
everything just sucks so bad. i feel like im in a cage. or a box where no one can see me. i feel invisible. no one understands what its like and no one CAN understand except someone that has been through it and even then they STILL dont understand because it's my own personal experience. i want so badly to break out. i want to rip out of it like in the Alien movies. im so desperate to. for the first time in years i have the urge to start cutting myself again and thats so WEIRD for me. im not going to do it but simply having it there is very disturbing. and further alienating me from people is the fact that im so unhappy and so bitter and cynical and sarcastic and HORRID and i complain all the time and im sure no one wants to be around me at all or even talk to me. to be honest the only thing preventing me from taking my life besides the fear of what will happen next is the fact that i dont want to do that to the people in my life. to my mom, my family, anna... i dont want to cause anyone else pain because of my pain. i dont want anyone to suffer like i do. i dont want to screw anyone over like i have been screwed over. and thats all well and good. at least i have SOMETHING to live for but really... why is it not for me? why is my reason for living OTHER people when it should be for MYSELF. thats just not right. it shouldnt be like that. i should want to do it for myself. its so fucked up. and whats even more fucked up is im starting to feed on the depression. im letting it eat me up. its like i NEED it even though i know its hurting me. im starting to feel like i dont WANT to be happy. why bother... im just going to get fucked over or fuck something up and be sad again. why not just keep it constant. its so fucking twisted. why would i consciously WANT to be like that. i cant believe the way my mind works sometimes and i cant believe that i can actually sit here and figure that out.
on a daily basis i have been changing moods like tv channels. especially today. ill go from uncontrollable anger to utter depression to being slightly content and accepting my situation to having that whole fuck it i dont care attitude to trying to ignore it and keeping myself busy... back and forth back and forth. ive been crying all day. i feel sick. i feel achy. i feel like getting in my bed and not moving. i just want to pull the covers over my head and curl up in a ball and pretend that nothing exists for awhile. like nothing can hurt me... like i did when i was a kid and afraid of monsters.
and if things are like this now... im already on meds. so what will it be like if i have to stop taking them because i cant afford them? i dont know if i can handle that. i constantly feel like the walls are closing in around me and suffocating me. its a horrible feeling. people think they can make it better by encouraging words or hugs or whatever but they cant. its times like these when i wish i wasnt single. i wish i had someone to just hold me. it makes me miss john as much of a dumbass as he was he always understood that i was upset for no reason and he was patient with it and kind and he would just hold me and let me have my moment and not try to cheer me up.
im starting to feel like every decision i have made in the past year (at least) has been a big mistake. it kills me. breaking up with john. deciding not to go to grad school. i mean even moving. i love living with anna but im afraid it was a mistake to move HERE. i dont want it to be like that. i want to be excited. this is a new experience for me and it is supposed to be fucking exciting and its not at all what i thought it would be. the only thing that is going right is being roommates with anna and getting along and having fun like we used to. but that only accounts for so much and it doesnt fill all the other empty things in my life. i wish it could.
its hard for me to even take a breath. this whole thing is so consuming and i HATE it. i HATE it. i want to be manic again and feel good and unstoppable and invincible. i was there for awhile. it was nice. it started to feel like i was normal but i was wrong.
so... i dont know where to go from here. i guess thats it. hopefully ill feel better tomorrow.