(no subject)
So...where to begin?
don't read this if you don't want to hear another stupid
So I posted an ad on the myrtle beach craigslist because I wanted to make friends and I'm not really good at making friends especially since I don't really go many places around here except work and the bar. Anyway, I proceeded to get a shitload of emails from people who wanted to a. come have sex with me b. come have a threesome with me c. be my sugar daddy or d. seemed OK at first but ended up being creepy. So I finally gave up and just started laughing at the emails I was still getting because they were kind of funny at that point.
Well, a few days ago I got an email from someone who actually seemed NORMAL. He was from Wilmington, NC (which is like 45 minutes away from here) and he said something along the lines of "hey, i was just browsing around and looked at your ad and you seemed like you were a for real person. and also you are cute." so, still with some doubt in my mind I decided to reply with my usual: here's my screenname, IM me if you want to. We actually ended up exchanging emails back and forth all day and finally talking online at some point. We have a lot in common actually so we got along well and all signs pointed to not creepy. Then we started talking on the phone. (This was all a matter of like 48 hours)
We just had so much in common that I was blown away. I hadn't met anyone as cool in... who knows how long. We just clicked. And everything he said was so sweet. It was nice to finally talk to someone who APPRECIATED me in all aspects. He liked me for who I am as a whole. Or so I thought. I was smitten with this guy that I hadn't even met and I had to convince myself to relax and that it was too good to be true. I didn't want to be disapointed if we ever met.
Well, sure enough on Thursday night he decided to come hang out. Niciy had been here for a few days and Matt had just driven down from New York to see Anna. He got here while I was working and stayed at Kroger until I got out. I was so nervous. I was thinking 10 billion things. I couldn't really talk or look at him for awhile when I went to find him there. He even picked up on that. He told me I looked good even though I just got out of work. He followed me home in his car and I tripped up the stairs to my apartment. I introduced him to everyone and they talked for awhile until I got ready to go out.
We hit it off. We seriously hit it off. I was really guarded and shy for awhile because I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation. Now I wish I had been more guarded. We went to a kegger at campus pointe that sucked so we left after a beer and decided to go to Drifter's instead. On the way home we sat in the back seat and he held my hand and tickled me. I was still trying to maintain my doubtful, guarded attitude. At Drifter's he sat close to me and kept poking me subtly even though he was talking to Matt and Anna. We all had a really good time and I decided to pay for him to drink. On the walk home we held hands some more and he stopped me and gave me a kiss. I decided I was alright with that. There was no spark there but I was alright with him. So I decided to let my guard down a little.
We got home and hung out and smoked for awhile and everyone went to sleep. We were hanging out in my room and he says hey, and takes my hands. And he tells me that he really feels like we have a connection... all of this bullshit that I believed at the time. All of it bringing my guard down a little more. I turned out the light and got into my bed and we snuggled for awhile and that lead to more making out... and pretty soon I found myself in the situation that I knew I was eventually going to be in that night. I promised myself that I wasn't going to sleep with him. I wanted to make this NORMAL. I didn't want to screw it up with sex.
But it was THERE. It was seriously THERE for him. I had this carnal lust for him like he did me. I caved and we ended up doing it for like 2 hours. Until the sun came up. It was brilliant. I haven't had sex like that in forever. I haven't had that kind of chemistry during sex in forever. I haven't felt that comfortable with a person in FOREVER. I woke up and he was still there, coddling me and fussing over me and telling me all of these wonderful things. I felt wonderful but something was weighing me down inside. Guilt? Maybe. I felt like something was wrong. My instincts were right.
We had breakfast and smoked and we all talked for awhile and decided to go to the beach. So we walked to the beach. Suddenly the way he was treating me changed. He didn't really pay much attention to me. He barely talked to me. He didn't respond to my flirting. He wouldn't come near me when we were swimming. He wouldn't talk to me when I laid next to him on the beach. So I tried ignoring him and he did the same thing. When we got back and he decided to go I walked him to his car and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. It felt like it was out of pity. He told me he would call me when he got back.
4 Hours later... still no phone call. He lives 45 minutes away. I send him a text saying "thanks for calling" hoping he would respond with some other form of sarcasm. He responded 4 hours later saying "oh sorry, I fell asleep". When I tried to text him back he wouldnt answer. He didn't answer phone calls or texts the next day either. Meanwhile, I feel like shit. I feel like a fool. I feel guilty. I feel like a whore. I constantly wondered what I did wrong and played things through my head hundreds of times. I went from upset and in tears to enraged and ready to break things consistently throughout the day. Finally, I decided to send him a nasty text and give him a piece of my mind. All he has to say is "sorry, kiddo. i have been sick blah blah blah talk later?". Stupid me. I was suprised when he didn't answer his phone later when I tried to call him. I still have this stupid idealization in my head that he is going to pop up one day with an email or a text or a phone call and magically redeem himself with some story about how he developed the bubonic plague and was in quarantine for a week without a cell phone. I'm so dumb.
Mostly, I'm just angry now and mostly I am angry with myself for falling for old tricks. I feel stupid for not being able to see through this. I do this to myself everytime. I don't learn. I set myself up to get hurt. I let people use me and that is what they do. I let my guard down and I get burned. Every fucking time.
I just wish that just this once it could have been for real. I wish that it hadn't happened this way. But wishing doesn't do anything but make me weak.
I'm just going to have to stop trusting people all together until I have good reasons to trust them.
don't read this if you don't want to hear another stupid
So I posted an ad on the myrtle beach craigslist because I wanted to make friends and I'm not really good at making friends especially since I don't really go many places around here except work and the bar. Anyway, I proceeded to get a shitload of emails from people who wanted to a. come have sex with me b. come have a threesome with me c. be my sugar daddy or d. seemed OK at first but ended up being creepy. So I finally gave up and just started laughing at the emails I was still getting because they were kind of funny at that point.
Well, a few days ago I got an email from someone who actually seemed NORMAL. He was from Wilmington, NC (which is like 45 minutes away from here) and he said something along the lines of "hey, i was just browsing around and looked at your ad and you seemed like you were a for real person. and also you are cute." so, still with some doubt in my mind I decided to reply with my usual: here's my screenname, IM me if you want to. We actually ended up exchanging emails back and forth all day and finally talking online at some point. We have a lot in common actually so we got along well and all signs pointed to not creepy. Then we started talking on the phone. (This was all a matter of like 48 hours)
We just had so much in common that I was blown away. I hadn't met anyone as cool in... who knows how long. We just clicked. And everything he said was so sweet. It was nice to finally talk to someone who APPRECIATED me in all aspects. He liked me for who I am as a whole. Or so I thought. I was smitten with this guy that I hadn't even met and I had to convince myself to relax and that it was too good to be true. I didn't want to be disapointed if we ever met.
Well, sure enough on Thursday night he decided to come hang out. Niciy had been here for a few days and Matt had just driven down from New York to see Anna. He got here while I was working and stayed at Kroger until I got out. I was so nervous. I was thinking 10 billion things. I couldn't really talk or look at him for awhile when I went to find him there. He even picked up on that. He told me I looked good even though I just got out of work. He followed me home in his car and I tripped up the stairs to my apartment. I introduced him to everyone and they talked for awhile until I got ready to go out.
We hit it off. We seriously hit it off. I was really guarded and shy for awhile because I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation. Now I wish I had been more guarded. We went to a kegger at campus pointe that sucked so we left after a beer and decided to go to Drifter's instead. On the way home we sat in the back seat and he held my hand and tickled me. I was still trying to maintain my doubtful, guarded attitude. At Drifter's he sat close to me and kept poking me subtly even though he was talking to Matt and Anna. We all had a really good time and I decided to pay for him to drink. On the walk home we held hands some more and he stopped me and gave me a kiss. I decided I was alright with that. There was no spark there but I was alright with him. So I decided to let my guard down a little.
We got home and hung out and smoked for awhile and everyone went to sleep. We were hanging out in my room and he says hey, and takes my hands. And he tells me that he really feels like we have a connection... all of this bullshit that I believed at the time. All of it bringing my guard down a little more. I turned out the light and got into my bed and we snuggled for awhile and that lead to more making out... and pretty soon I found myself in the situation that I knew I was eventually going to be in that night. I promised myself that I wasn't going to sleep with him. I wanted to make this NORMAL. I didn't want to screw it up with sex.
But it was THERE. It was seriously THERE for him. I had this carnal lust for him like he did me. I caved and we ended up doing it for like 2 hours. Until the sun came up. It was brilliant. I haven't had sex like that in forever. I haven't had that kind of chemistry during sex in forever. I haven't felt that comfortable with a person in FOREVER. I woke up and he was still there, coddling me and fussing over me and telling me all of these wonderful things. I felt wonderful but something was weighing me down inside. Guilt? Maybe. I felt like something was wrong. My instincts were right.
We had breakfast and smoked and we all talked for awhile and decided to go to the beach. So we walked to the beach. Suddenly the way he was treating me changed. He didn't really pay much attention to me. He barely talked to me. He didn't respond to my flirting. He wouldn't come near me when we were swimming. He wouldn't talk to me when I laid next to him on the beach. So I tried ignoring him and he did the same thing. When we got back and he decided to go I walked him to his car and he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. It felt like it was out of pity. He told me he would call me when he got back.
4 Hours later... still no phone call. He lives 45 minutes away. I send him a text saying "thanks for calling" hoping he would respond with some other form of sarcasm. He responded 4 hours later saying "oh sorry, I fell asleep". When I tried to text him back he wouldnt answer. He didn't answer phone calls or texts the next day either. Meanwhile, I feel like shit. I feel like a fool. I feel guilty. I feel like a whore. I constantly wondered what I did wrong and played things through my head hundreds of times. I went from upset and in tears to enraged and ready to break things consistently throughout the day. Finally, I decided to send him a nasty text and give him a piece of my mind. All he has to say is "sorry, kiddo. i have been sick blah blah blah talk later?". Stupid me. I was suprised when he didn't answer his phone later when I tried to call him. I still have this stupid idealization in my head that he is going to pop up one day with an email or a text or a phone call and magically redeem himself with some story about how he developed the bubonic plague and was in quarantine for a week without a cell phone. I'm so dumb.
Mostly, I'm just angry now and mostly I am angry with myself for falling for old tricks. I feel stupid for not being able to see through this. I do this to myself everytime. I don't learn. I set myself up to get hurt. I let people use me and that is what they do. I let my guard down and I get burned. Every fucking time.
I just wish that just this once it could have been for real. I wish that it hadn't happened this way. But wishing doesn't do anything but make me weak.
I'm just going to have to stop trusting people all together until I have good reasons to trust them.