...again with this nastiness.
Wow...so I was high as a kite for about a month. The whole time I was in Oklahoma, getting back, through Halloween and up until about a week ago...high as a kite. Since then things are getting progressively worse. I guess I was bound to come back down to reality sooner or later.
Now I feel like a worthless piece of shit. No matter what anyone tells me it feels like an insult. No matter what anyone does it hurts me. It feels like everyone is out to get me. I feel like everything is spiralling downward indefinitely.
I love how people give me these excuses that discount my illness. "Everyone feels that way lately, its just the time of year" "It will get better" or my favorite from my mom "The weather has been crappy lately and its getting dark out...fall is a rough time for everyone." Ummm... do you not understand that it has been shitty for a couple of weeks and that fall happens to be my FAVORITE SEASON?
The numerous guys I was seeing has turned into like maybe... one? Meh...I don't really know whats going on. Part of it is that, once again, I am depressed and all of the input to my brain is taken as an insult of some sort. I feel like everyone is decieving me and out to get me and being hurtful. Like...oh Liz you are so awesome and hot and sweet when I say it to your face but really when you leave I laugh at how stupid and ugly you are. I do realize how absolutely ridiculous this sounds. It is very doubtful that people actually DO THAT but my brain isnt good with the reasoning lately. I can reason AFTER the fact, but it doesn't stop me from being sad. I don't quite understand how that works.
Anyway, I don't even know if I am ready to tackle another relationship. I would like to very much but I am not in a very good position to start right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks when I am high as a kite again eh? Sex with lots of people is great but I miss feeling that closeness with one person. The one thing I miss the most about John (although I HATE HATE HATE to say that I miss anything about him at all) is the fact that he seemed to understand me better than anyone and he was always there through my moods...he just knew how to deal with it somehow. Maybe it was just a sitting-there-with-a-dumb-look-on-my-face-because-im-really-dumb-but-it-makes-me-look-like-i-understand-
in-a-weird-sort-of-way kind of thing. I really just want someone to understand me. (Who isn't Anna) The whole "dating" thing is taking a bit of getting used to also. I feel like I am deceiving people if I go out on dates and have sex with more than one person in a given timespan. As many people have told me, it's perfectly OK unless you are in a committed relationship and it's no one's business who you have sex with. It's not like I'm having sex with more than one person a day... or a different person everyday... but still... I just have this issue with pleasing people. I need to stop aiming to please anyone but me dammit.
This meant-to-be short post has turned into a long ramble that probably wont make sense to anyone so I am just going to quit while I am ahead. My plans for the evening involve some Jose Cuervo, and DVR all by myself. (Meanwhile I will desperately hope for someone to call so I have someone to snuggle with - doubtful though.)
Now I feel like a worthless piece of shit. No matter what anyone tells me it feels like an insult. No matter what anyone does it hurts me. It feels like everyone is out to get me. I feel like everything is spiralling downward indefinitely.
I love how people give me these excuses that discount my illness. "Everyone feels that way lately, its just the time of year" "It will get better" or my favorite from my mom "The weather has been crappy lately and its getting dark out...fall is a rough time for everyone." Ummm... do you not understand that it has been shitty for a couple of weeks and that fall happens to be my FAVORITE SEASON?
The numerous guys I was seeing has turned into like maybe... one? Meh...I don't really know whats going on. Part of it is that, once again, I am depressed and all of the input to my brain is taken as an insult of some sort. I feel like everyone is decieving me and out to get me and being hurtful. Like...oh Liz you are so awesome and hot and sweet when I say it to your face but really when you leave I laugh at how stupid and ugly you are. I do realize how absolutely ridiculous this sounds. It is very doubtful that people actually DO THAT but my brain isnt good with the reasoning lately. I can reason AFTER the fact, but it doesn't stop me from being sad. I don't quite understand how that works.
Anyway, I don't even know if I am ready to tackle another relationship. I would like to very much but I am not in a very good position to start right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks when I am high as a kite again eh? Sex with lots of people is great but I miss feeling that closeness with one person. The one thing I miss the most about John (although I HATE HATE HATE to say that I miss anything about him at all) is the fact that he seemed to understand me better than anyone and he was always there through my moods...he just knew how to deal with it somehow. Maybe it was just a sitting-there-with-a-dumb-look-on-my-face-because-im-really-dumb-but-it-makes-me-look-like-i-understand-
in-a-weird-sort-of-way kind of thing. I really just want someone to understand me. (Who isn't Anna) The whole "dating" thing is taking a bit of getting used to also. I feel like I am deceiving people if I go out on dates and have sex with more than one person in a given timespan. As many people have told me, it's perfectly OK unless you are in a committed relationship and it's no one's business who you have sex with. It's not like I'm having sex with more than one person a day... or a different person everyday... but still... I just have this issue with pleasing people. I need to stop aiming to please anyone but me dammit.
This meant-to-be short post has turned into a long ramble that probably wont make sense to anyone so I am just going to quit while I am ahead. My plans for the evening involve some Jose Cuervo, and DVR all by myself. (Meanwhile I will desperately hope for someone to call so I have someone to snuggle with - doubtful though.)