fireflies
everything is going wrong wrong wrong when all i want to do is to curl into a ball under a rock in the deepest abyss on earth and cry myself dry.
i want to stop being your go-to guy for every time you break up with him.
i don't want to be your kissing buddy, i just don't like feeling stubble brush against my cheek when i hug you. it's the same for my dad.
i miss your hair.
i want you to be happy, so win this case with best damn lawyer so you can stop having so many health problems. i'll support you in your solo career and i'll try to stop looking at chinese as only sh zh xi and other hardly-easily pronounced syllables.
i want to stop time and just look in your eyes, in person, not separated by thousands of miles through a computer screen.
i want to trace english on your cheek and drown in your dimples and double eyelids.
i want to slip under covers and give my everything to you because you make me feel like there's hope to find a boyfriend in the future.
but my bar is raised so high for you, i'm afraid potential mates are intimidated.
i wish i could get in a car and just drive until i get tired because i'm so bored here, i'm so lazy here, i'm so sick of thinking through everything and getting mad at everyone and helping everyone out and i don't think i'm expressing this as much as i want to just clear my mind.
i know i have an ap psychology midterm that i will most likely make a bad grade on tomorrow. i know i have an algebra test that i only know half of the material. i know i have three missing assignments in english. i know i don't do shit in creative writing. but everything feels so rushed, why does it all have to happen tomorrow!?
and instead of SITTING HERE AND TYPING EVERYTHING OUT I COULD BE STUDYING OR WRITING, but i'm not because i'm lazy, a procrastinator, and an internet-addicted dumbass fangirl who can't get koreans off her mind long enough to solve y = ± a (x-3)² + 4, or care about intelligence and language and memory, or think about what Goya and Degas thought about the male subjects in family portraits.
i wish our schooling system was harder to invoke more energy out of me so i would be motivated to get an A. i wish someone would be here to motivate me saying, "i'll support you through this, you don't have to do that just yet, i'm proud of you, even though it's a C, i don't care if you didn't do the work." not just, "you can do better than this," "are you failing because you don't understand the material or you didn't do the assignments? but i am proud of you."
i need relief.