Extracted from an e-mail to my beloved Katy
I'm pretty sure I'm going to do the same, after two years I'm outta UCSB and hopefully in a really good college. I'm looking at Columbia University in NYC, among others. Maybe it's dumb to pay so much money to get your AA done, but I'm going to take advantage of the fact that UC has an awesome study abroad program. Next summer I was thinking of traveling Europe but now I'm pretty sure I want to go to Brazil and learn Portuguese. Maybe I'll be able to do both. I'm studying Portuguese right now by myself. It's really easy once you know Spanish, you can pretty much read everything and know what it says, the only difference is learning how to say it. Mas se pode aprendher muito rapido. (But can be learned really fast.) And then my sophomore year I'd spend the 2º semester in Italy hopefully; take advantage of the fact I know Spanish to learn languages that have a lot of similarites. Plus Italy rules. But what I really want to learn are Chinese and Arabic, I'll be going to China and Egypt sometime in my college career I think. I want to get my Ph.D. I'm so eager to learn. I think about my future so much and how to get what I want. Hey, I know what you mean about wanting to make a difference. That's why I changed my major from theatre to International Relations. It seemed so superficial to me after a little bit. It's be cool because I'd be doing what I love, but I don't think I could be satisfied for the rest of my life with just being an actress. Maybe I'll try to get my minor's in Acting, just because I'm cool like that. And after I get my Ph.D I'm planning on joining the Peace Corps. You go to a third world country for 2 years and help the people, it depends what you do. Teach English, help with agriculture, medicine, computers, they give you a specific job. I'd like to work in the United Nations or something, or maybe like be Condaleeza Rice and be Secretary of International Affairs. That'd be sweet. Or be a diplomat and move from embassy to embassy, be able to work in different countries. My dream is to travel the world. You would be an excellent politician. What party would you run with? The only thing that sucks is the money issue. If you don't have money you usually don't win.
I think about my death everyday and what this life is for. I think our existence is pretty pointless, like we live and then we die and then what? So I figure well I might as well make it better for other people. What will I be able to say have done with my life when I die? I don't believe god exists, although I recognize the fact we can never really know for sure. Either way there's no heaven or hell, that's a pretty dumb theory. People need to believe in something so that their lives aren't absurd. I don't believe in anything. I've cried for humanity. I've cried because I don't want to accept that this life is so pointless. I want to feel important. But I'm really not. None of us really are. That's why I have a fear of mediocrity. I'm afraid I'll live my life with a mediocre job doing the same thing everyday that doesn't affect anyone. I want to stand out above the crowd. I don't want to sink to the world's mediocre level. But what difference does it make if I'm going to die anyway? The other night I was a little tipsy and I started rambling all these thoughts and people either were worried or just were like oh that's Christy she's flipping out. Some people said you're important to those around you, your family etc. I acknowlegde that but I don't feel like that's enough. Few people think about anything. They're all so distracted with their daily routine. It's all there just to distract us from the bigger problems that the majority of us ponder and are forced to find the answer in something that is false in order to have a peace of mind, like religion. Why the hell do I care what that girl is wearing? It makes everything seem so stupid; fashion, entertainment, even politics seem like a bunch of old men squabbling. They don't try to change anything, they're all there for their ego. Whatev. Just stuff I think about and don't tell anyone. No one seems to be interested in that kind of stuff here. I thought you would care.
I think about my death everyday and what this life is for. I think our existence is pretty pointless, like we live and then we die and then what? So I figure well I might as well make it better for other people. What will I be able to say have done with my life when I die? I don't believe god exists, although I recognize the fact we can never really know for sure. Either way there's no heaven or hell, that's a pretty dumb theory. People need to believe in something so that their lives aren't absurd. I don't believe in anything. I've cried for humanity. I've cried because I don't want to accept that this life is so pointless. I want to feel important. But I'm really not. None of us really are. That's why I have a fear of mediocrity. I'm afraid I'll live my life with a mediocre job doing the same thing everyday that doesn't affect anyone. I want to stand out above the crowd. I don't want to sink to the world's mediocre level. But what difference does it make if I'm going to die anyway? The other night I was a little tipsy and I started rambling all these thoughts and people either were worried or just were like oh that's Christy she's flipping out. Some people said you're important to those around you, your family etc. I acknowlegde that but I don't feel like that's enough. Few people think about anything. They're all so distracted with their daily routine. It's all there just to distract us from the bigger problems that the majority of us ponder and are forced to find the answer in something that is false in order to have a peace of mind, like religion. Why the hell do I care what that girl is wearing? It makes everything seem so stupid; fashion, entertainment, even politics seem like a bunch of old men squabbling. They don't try to change anything, they're all there for their ego. Whatev. Just stuff I think about and don't tell anyone. No one seems to be interested in that kind of stuff here. I thought you would care.