Review: the violent insanity of BATMAN: CRIMSON MIST (OR: Harvey Dent--the Great Vampire Killer!)
Happy Halloween, Face-Friends!
I'm not sure if that's what I'd really wanna call you folks, but eh, I've got a little alliteration-lovin' Stan Lee in my heart.
This is a post I thought I wouldn't get to for many more months to come, so we have the intrepid cyberghostface to thank this time! Over at Scans_Daily, he's taken it upon himself to post Doug Moench and Kelley Jones' Batman: Red Rain trilogy, the Elseworlds saga of Batman versus vampires, which becomes Batman AS a vampire versus vampires, and then, finally, Vampire Batman versus everybody! Including Two-Face! As written by Moench at his very Moenchiest! Ohhhh yes, it's gonna be crack. But much of it is also legitimately great!
If you haven't read the trilogy, I urge you to check out the following links before reading this post. It's not necessary to enjoy the crack I'm about to bring you, but you don't wanna be left out, do ya? Course not! At the very least, check out the first part, which is deservedly something of a minor classic of alternate reality tales:
Must... end life... in classic Lorne Greene pose... from Battlestar Galactica!
The first part, Batman/Dracula: Red Rain is pretty goddamn fantastic all-around. It doesn't hurt that Dracula himself is pretty much, as a rule, awesome. I don't like vampires, but Dracula is always a magnificent villain who just happens to be a vampire, and the threat he brings to Gotham (and what Gotham, in turn, does it him) is the kind of thing that can only be done in an alternate continuity.
EDIT: I just realized that cyberghostface was unable to include the page where Dracula reveals that, just as birds drinking from a contaminated stream will sometimes go insane, so too has the blood of Gotham drove Dracula mad and thus turned him into an even worse monster. I love that detail of the city itself being able to corrupt even someone as already-evil as Dracula.
It's not only a great Elseworlds--an achievement unto itself from a genre that too often falls back on "Plug X character into Y setting"--but it's also a sterling achievement from both Moench and Jones, two creators whose work is often plagued by excess and bad ideas gone awry. Which, not coincidentally, brings us to the sequel:
Holy god, what the hell is wrong with you KNEE, Vampire Batman?
Batman: Bloodstorm is my least favorite of the three, although it's not technically the worst. There's a lot of good in it, mainly derived from the fun of seeing the Joker become the non-vampiric leader of the vampires, but otherwise, it too often wallows in the posturing melodrama inherent in most vampire stories. This tale of Conflicted Vampire Batman too often struck a tedious balance of hand-wringing angst and grotesque violence, with the usual dose of Selina Kyle T&A thrown in, what with her being a naked purple were-cat and all.
Taken as a whole, it's still a pretty powerful tragedy, and by all accounts, the story should have ended there. There was absolutely no need for another sequel, and yet, we got the third and final part five years later:
JAZZ HANDS!
Now Batman: Crimson Mist--which I bring out today--IS technically the worst of the trilogy. It indulges in Moench's propensity for overwrought and, yes, hilariously melodramatic posturing and shouting, while Jones' art pushes the characters and the extreme graphic violence to levels of grotesqueness that simply do not belong in Batman comics. It takes all the intense excellence of Red Rain and ratchets it up to cartoonish levels. But just like similar works in that respect, particular the late-period work of Frank Miller and Neal Adams, there's something entrancing about seeing a creator given free reign to crank their bad habits up to 11. It's that trainwreck quality.
And again, this is Moench writing Two-Face at his Moenchiest. There are few writers who depict Harvey as this much of a ranting, raving madman, like Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face from Batman Forever but entirely devoid of humor. So just resign yourself to that knowledge that Harvey finally enters the trilogy just in time to become the second-worst villain of the story:
So as you can see, it sucks (hurr) to be vampire Batman, laid to rest in a half-assed fashion because SOMEone (I'm not gonna name names, but I will say that their names rhyme with Balfred and Bim Bordon) neglected to chop off his head. That's how you know this is an Elseworlds, because the Alfred Pennyworth we know would never be so inefficient.
Thing is, there's nothing about these pages that would make you think this was an Elseworlds version, if you didn't know any better. It certainly fits perfectly with Moench and Jones' in-canon Two-Face story, The Face Schism, where D.A. Harvey Dent was depicted as a dickhole who felt that "justice failed him, so he might as well join the winning side." Which is to say, it's still a terrible take on Two-Face, but it's not inconsistent with canon. At least, Moench's canon, anyway. At least Moench is giving the possible excuse that Harvey may have been brain-damaged by the acid, but let's face it, we're not supposed to feel a lick of sympathy for this version.
As Two-Face, Harvey joins the wave of criminals who have been running rampant in Gotham following Batman's death, all of whom have become both darker and sillier-looking:
Yes, the Scarecrow collects fingers, for some reason. No, I don't know what the hell is up with the Riddler. Basically, I'm just grateful that more characters didn't end up looking like this in Arkham City.
Overwhelmed by his own guilt coupled with the threats terrorizing the city, Alfred decides that Gotham NEEDS Batman, and makes the incredibly smart decision to pull out the stake:
Maybe I'm just not up on my vampire lore and how different blood affects different nosferatu, but I can't help but roll my eyes and grin at the overwrought melodrama of "MY HEART NOW PULSES TO THE BEAT OF EVIL, YOU FOOL!"
And so, heeding the call of justice and also food, Vampire Batman proceeds to OM NOM NOM on the rogues and their stupid new designs:
Well, at least Squishy got off with a quicker and less painful death than having his throat ripped out? That's... something, I guess?
Oh, and Batman also eats the Penguin, but I don't have images of that on hand. Seriously, does anybody really feel any burning desire to see that? I mean, really?
With Batman quickly becoming far worse of a threat than any costumed maniac, a plan is hatched by the new, sole remaining gang lord, Half-Red-SkullTwo-Face:
After dropping Poison Ivy's severed head off at the Gotham Police Station (really, Batman's just a big kitty, giving a present to the people he likes), Gordon tells Alfred that Batman's become more than a murderer, but a predator; killing has become natural to him, and all he can do is choose his prey selectively.
... That wordplay doesn't make any sense, Harv. But then, Moench is the guy whose idea of witty dialogue is "Close, but no kitty litter."
"Yeah, Croc! We don't want them to join our super-fun vampire-slaying club anyways!"
Batman proceeds to slaughter Black Mask and the False Face Society, leaving the severed (but still masked) heads hanging on pikes outside Blackgate Penitentiary as a warning to the prisoners inside. Batman then proceeds to eat and behead every single inmate at Arkham Asylum. After that, Jim and Alfred decide that maybe it's time to reconsider their options:
"Badass Bat-ass?" Really, Doug Moench? At this rate, I really don't want anyone to think that I hate Moench's work, especially since it seems like I spend so much time ragging on him. But good lord, that's just silly.
And so, our heroes and villains go ahead and form a merry slaying-and-spelunking party:
Of course, Batman has been fully aware of this plot brewing for some time now, but up to this point, he's held off in his own angst and indecision, not certain if he truly craves final oblivion or a continued predatory existence of delicious evil and evil deliciousness. But with this "trap" set, Batman quickly shows them just how screwed they are:
In the scuffle, Gordon gets a clean shot and takes it:
Sigh, and of course, Harvey Dent is once again being written as a duplicitous asshole. BECAUSE HE IS TWO-FACED YOU SEE IS CLEVER AHURR HURR HURR!
Gordon and Alfred dodge the attacks, but they're no match for Croc, who doesn't have the excuse of being undead when it comes to wanting to eat people:
Aaaaaaaaaand take a drink.
It's been suggested that someone somewhere should possibly make a whole compilation of Moench's Two-Face shouting some variation on "THE DEATH PENALTY!!!1!" Chalk that up to another project to do if I'm ever really bored and want to show off clichéd tropes in Bat-Fiction.
Even as a severed head, Alfred Pennyworth is a paragon of dignity.
Yes, this story actually does pretty much end with "ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES." Well, everyone who isn't already undead, that is.
So yeah. Ev'rybody dead. Unless Moench and Jones want to team up for Batman's Ashes versus Maxie Zeus (which would actually be fun for a page or two, I admit), I think the story's finally, actually, definitively over.
Well, as long as you side with all right-thinking people and don't take anything from Countdown to be canon, and thus won't even entertain the tie-in issue which ended with Robin becoming a vampire too. Thankfully, that in no way fits in with the graphic novels presented here, so we hopefully will never have to see Vampire Robin go after... who's left? Mr. Freeze? Bane? Hush? Well, okay, if it means watching the gruesome deaths of Hush and Grant Morrison's new villains, maybe I would buy that for a dollar.
If you'd like to read these stories in full, they've been collected in this handy-dandy single volume, Batman: Vampire. The only downside is that it was published as a result of the idiocy that was Countdown, and so they've replaced the classic Elseworlds branding and logo with the short-lived "Tales of the Multiverse." Blah. Bring back Elseworlds, dammit! And Harley Quinn's old costume! And Matlock! And get off my lawn!
And whatever you do, have a safe and happy Halloween!
You're so cool, Brewster!
I'm not sure if that's what I'd really wanna call you folks, but eh, I've got a little alliteration-lovin' Stan Lee in my heart.
This is a post I thought I wouldn't get to for many more months to come, so we have the intrepid cyberghostface to thank this time! Over at Scans_Daily, he's taken it upon himself to post Doug Moench and Kelley Jones' Batman: Red Rain trilogy, the Elseworlds saga of Batman versus vampires, which becomes Batman AS a vampire versus vampires, and then, finally, Vampire Batman versus everybody! Including Two-Face! As written by Moench at his very Moenchiest! Ohhhh yes, it's gonna be crack. But much of it is also legitimately great!
If you haven't read the trilogy, I urge you to check out the following links before reading this post. It's not necessary to enjoy the crack I'm about to bring you, but you don't wanna be left out, do ya? Course not! At the very least, check out the first part, which is deservedly something of a minor classic of alternate reality tales:
Must... end life... in classic Lorne Greene pose... from Battlestar Galactica!
The first part, Batman/Dracula: Red Rain is pretty goddamn fantastic all-around. It doesn't hurt that Dracula himself is pretty much, as a rule, awesome. I don't like vampires, but Dracula is always a magnificent villain who just happens to be a vampire, and the threat he brings to Gotham (and what Gotham, in turn, does it him) is the kind of thing that can only be done in an alternate continuity.
EDIT: I just realized that cyberghostface was unable to include the page where Dracula reveals that, just as birds drinking from a contaminated stream will sometimes go insane, so too has the blood of Gotham drove Dracula mad and thus turned him into an even worse monster. I love that detail of the city itself being able to corrupt even someone as already-evil as Dracula.
It's not only a great Elseworlds--an achievement unto itself from a genre that too often falls back on "Plug X character into Y setting"--but it's also a sterling achievement from both Moench and Jones, two creators whose work is often plagued by excess and bad ideas gone awry. Which, not coincidentally, brings us to the sequel:
Holy god, what the hell is wrong with you KNEE, Vampire Batman?
Batman: Bloodstorm is my least favorite of the three, although it's not technically the worst. There's a lot of good in it, mainly derived from the fun of seeing the Joker become the non-vampiric leader of the vampires, but otherwise, it too often wallows in the posturing melodrama inherent in most vampire stories. This tale of Conflicted Vampire Batman too often struck a tedious balance of hand-wringing angst and grotesque violence, with the usual dose of Selina Kyle T&A thrown in, what with her being a naked purple were-cat and all.
Taken as a whole, it's still a pretty powerful tragedy, and by all accounts, the story should have ended there. There was absolutely no need for another sequel, and yet, we got the third and final part five years later:
JAZZ HANDS!
Now Batman: Crimson Mist--which I bring out today--IS technically the worst of the trilogy. It indulges in Moench's propensity for overwrought and, yes, hilariously melodramatic posturing and shouting, while Jones' art pushes the characters and the extreme graphic violence to levels of grotesqueness that simply do not belong in Batman comics. It takes all the intense excellence of Red Rain and ratchets it up to cartoonish levels. But just like similar works in that respect, particular the late-period work of Frank Miller and Neal Adams, there's something entrancing about seeing a creator given free reign to crank their bad habits up to 11. It's that trainwreck quality.
And again, this is Moench writing Two-Face at his Moenchiest. There are few writers who depict Harvey as this much of a ranting, raving madman, like Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face from Batman Forever but entirely devoid of humor. So just resign yourself to that knowledge that Harvey finally enters the trilogy just in time to become the second-worst villain of the story:
So as you can see, it sucks (hurr) to be vampire Batman, laid to rest in a half-assed fashion because SOMEone (I'm not gonna name names, but I will say that their names rhyme with Balfred and Bim Bordon) neglected to chop off his head. That's how you know this is an Elseworlds, because the Alfred Pennyworth we know would never be so inefficient.
Thing is, there's nothing about these pages that would make you think this was an Elseworlds version, if you didn't know any better. It certainly fits perfectly with Moench and Jones' in-canon Two-Face story, The Face Schism, where D.A. Harvey Dent was depicted as a dickhole who felt that "justice failed him, so he might as well join the winning side." Which is to say, it's still a terrible take on Two-Face, but it's not inconsistent with canon. At least, Moench's canon, anyway. At least Moench is giving the possible excuse that Harvey may have been brain-damaged by the acid, but let's face it, we're not supposed to feel a lick of sympathy for this version.
As Two-Face, Harvey joins the wave of criminals who have been running rampant in Gotham following Batman's death, all of whom have become both darker and sillier-looking:
Yes, the Scarecrow collects fingers, for some reason. No, I don't know what the hell is up with the Riddler. Basically, I'm just grateful that more characters didn't end up looking like this in Arkham City.
Overwhelmed by his own guilt coupled with the threats terrorizing the city, Alfred decides that Gotham NEEDS Batman, and makes the incredibly smart decision to pull out the stake:
Maybe I'm just not up on my vampire lore and how different blood affects different nosferatu, but I can't help but roll my eyes and grin at the overwrought melodrama of "MY HEART NOW PULSES TO THE BEAT OF EVIL, YOU FOOL!"
And so, heeding the call of justice and also food, Vampire Batman proceeds to OM NOM NOM on the rogues and their stupid new designs:
Well, at least Squishy got off with a quicker and less painful death than having his throat ripped out? That's... something, I guess?
Oh, and Batman also eats the Penguin, but I don't have images of that on hand. Seriously, does anybody really feel any burning desire to see that? I mean, really?
With Batman quickly becoming far worse of a threat than any costumed maniac, a plan is hatched by the new, sole remaining gang lord, Half-Red-SkullTwo-Face:
After dropping Poison Ivy's severed head off at the Gotham Police Station (really, Batman's just a big kitty, giving a present to the people he likes), Gordon tells Alfred that Batman's become more than a murderer, but a predator; killing has become natural to him, and all he can do is choose his prey selectively.
... That wordplay doesn't make any sense, Harv. But then, Moench is the guy whose idea of witty dialogue is "Close, but no kitty litter."
"Yeah, Croc! We don't want them to join our super-fun vampire-slaying club anyways!"
Batman proceeds to slaughter Black Mask and the False Face Society, leaving the severed (but still masked) heads hanging on pikes outside Blackgate Penitentiary as a warning to the prisoners inside. Batman then proceeds to eat and behead every single inmate at Arkham Asylum. After that, Jim and Alfred decide that maybe it's time to reconsider their options:
"Badass Bat-ass?" Really, Doug Moench? At this rate, I really don't want anyone to think that I hate Moench's work, especially since it seems like I spend so much time ragging on him. But good lord, that's just silly.
And so, our heroes and villains go ahead and form a merry slaying-and-spelunking party:
Of course, Batman has been fully aware of this plot brewing for some time now, but up to this point, he's held off in his own angst and indecision, not certain if he truly craves final oblivion or a continued predatory existence of delicious evil and evil deliciousness. But with this "trap" set, Batman quickly shows them just how screwed they are:
In the scuffle, Gordon gets a clean shot and takes it:
Sigh, and of course, Harvey Dent is once again being written as a duplicitous asshole. BECAUSE HE IS TWO-FACED YOU SEE IS CLEVER AHURR HURR HURR!
Gordon and Alfred dodge the attacks, but they're no match for Croc, who doesn't have the excuse of being undead when it comes to wanting to eat people:
Aaaaaaaaaand take a drink.
It's been suggested that someone somewhere should possibly make a whole compilation of Moench's Two-Face shouting some variation on "THE DEATH PENALTY!!!1!" Chalk that up to another project to do if I'm ever really bored and want to show off clichéd tropes in Bat-Fiction.
Even as a severed head, Alfred Pennyworth is a paragon of dignity.
Yes, this story actually does pretty much end with "ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES." Well, everyone who isn't already undead, that is.
So yeah. Ev'rybody dead. Unless Moench and Jones want to team up for Batman's Ashes versus Maxie Zeus (which would actually be fun for a page or two, I admit), I think the story's finally, actually, definitively over.
Well, as long as you side with all right-thinking people and don't take anything from Countdown to be canon, and thus won't even entertain the tie-in issue which ended with Robin becoming a vampire too. Thankfully, that in no way fits in with the graphic novels presented here, so we hopefully will never have to see Vampire Robin go after... who's left? Mr. Freeze? Bane? Hush? Well, okay, if it means watching the gruesome deaths of Hush and Grant Morrison's new villains, maybe I would buy that for a dollar.
If you'd like to read these stories in full, they've been collected in this handy-dandy single volume, Batman: Vampire. The only downside is that it was published as a result of the idiocy that was Countdown, and so they've replaced the classic Elseworlds branding and logo with the short-lived "Tales of the Multiverse." Blah. Bring back Elseworlds, dammit! And Harley Quinn's old costume! And Matlock! And get off my lawn!
And whatever you do, have a safe and happy Halloween!
You're so cool, Brewster!