(no subject)
i honestly have never felt so unsure in my life. today wasn't a really good day. last night was fun but in a way that it shouldn't have been. last night was a crowded club that i paid £3 to get into and then proceeded to have one stella and then just sit back in awe. all the girls looked the same. all the bodies were blending together in this huge mass. i walked to the bathroom. some guy stood aside so i could walk by, when he proceeded to take a full hand grab of my ass, which i promptly and angrily smacked away with all my might. i felt so gross. i felt like i was giving into what all these guys were gawking and objectifying by even fucking being in this club. i didnt want to be seen as another object in a short skirt dancing like a whore with my girlfriends. it was so strange.
today i woke up at 12. i was still exhausted. i didn't even really get up, i just sat in my bed and read for an hour and a half. reading is like my only salvation here. i've already finished a 400 page book and i'm almost done with another 300 pager. i managed to pull myself up and come to the computer lab to try and work out bullshit credit stuff. i haven't heard anything about the internship for this summer, another worry to my list. i miss friends. i miss hugs. i havent had a hug since i've been here. a true, sincere hug.
i think the weather is affecting me too. raining almost every day. when i have to make the rather long trek from my 5th floor room to the student center i always walk normally, but i feel so goddamn out of place. like a number, but a distinct, weird number. a number that everyone makes eye contact with and then looks away fast. i feel like everyone recognizes me. as an american, or as an object, or as someone worth knowing until they get a good look. i walked by 2 guys that callie and i had met at the pub the other night and they didnt even look at me. i was about to stop and say hi as they scurried past. i just dont get it. ugh i sound so fucking pitiful and degrading. it's really not that bad. just a bad day i guess. i just cant stand the feeling of being like this for the next 3 1/2 months. i need letters and phonecalls and emails please. it'll get better, i know. but it doesnt mean it's not hard in the meantime. i just needed to get that all out. i'd turn off comments but i dont know how to do that.
today i woke up at 12. i was still exhausted. i didn't even really get up, i just sat in my bed and read for an hour and a half. reading is like my only salvation here. i've already finished a 400 page book and i'm almost done with another 300 pager. i managed to pull myself up and come to the computer lab to try and work out bullshit credit stuff. i haven't heard anything about the internship for this summer, another worry to my list. i miss friends. i miss hugs. i havent had a hug since i've been here. a true, sincere hug.
i think the weather is affecting me too. raining almost every day. when i have to make the rather long trek from my 5th floor room to the student center i always walk normally, but i feel so goddamn out of place. like a number, but a distinct, weird number. a number that everyone makes eye contact with and then looks away fast. i feel like everyone recognizes me. as an american, or as an object, or as someone worth knowing until they get a good look. i walked by 2 guys that callie and i had met at the pub the other night and they didnt even look at me. i was about to stop and say hi as they scurried past. i just dont get it. ugh i sound so fucking pitiful and degrading. it's really not that bad. just a bad day i guess. i just cant stand the feeling of being like this for the next 3 1/2 months. i need letters and phonecalls and emails please. it'll get better, i know. but it doesnt mean it's not hard in the meantime. i just needed to get that all out. i'd turn off comments but i dont know how to do that.