(no subject)
I just recently had a surgical abortion. While I know that my body will take time to heal, I was wondering more about the emotional effects.
Before the abortion, I was relatively fine with my decision. My boyfriend was supportive of me, and while he preferred not to have a child yet, he said that he'd be in my life and support me no matter what. He's phenomenal, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He went with me to have it done.
I had a moment of dread the second they called my name to go back into the room. I really hated the place where I went. Despite the fact that the medical staff was first-rate, I felt as though their clerical staff was unprofessional and inefficient. I had to wait for over four hours just to pay my copay. (My insurance company covered it, but not without a fight, which also caused undue stress because the clinic wasn't helping... or even calling me back. But again, that was clerical staff and not the medical staff.) The doctor was phenomenal and put me right at ease with his easy-going and jovial nature. And then they gave me an IV, so I don't know what happened then.
Anyway, it hasn't been that long. About 24 hours. I seem to be healing well physically, but I just... miss being pregnant. I wanted to be a mom so badly, but it was just the wrong time in my life. I'm unmarried, and while my boyfriend and I have a great relationship, marriage just isn't in our immediate future. I just started a new job, and unfortunately, that job/career path has societal implications for unwed mothers. I'd feel way too much pressure to get married. I'm too young, and I just recently started getting my life in order. I don't even know where I'll be living in a year. It was simply the right choice for us. We discussed everything, and we were both completely on-board.
I knew that this was going to be traumatic for me going in. Despite the complete and overwhelming fear of marriage, I really liked the idea of a little "mini-us". The hormones were really getting to me, and even though we only knew about the pregnancy for five days, I really had too much time to bond with the baby before we terminated. Basically, if anything happened yesterday to delay the abortion, I couldn't have gone through with it. Objectively, I'm glad that nothing went wrong.
I've been alone all day today. My boyfriend works weekends, and is unfortunately an hourly employee, so he really can't afford to take the day off. We've been in as much contact as we can (he's normally completely unreachable when he's working, but he left me with several ways to contact him). But as I'm watching television, I can't avoid mentions of pregnancy or people trying to get pregnant. And then I am wracked with feelings of guilt, selfishness, remorse, etc. I can't seem to make the logical parts of my brain align with the emotional parts. The logical reasons are all there, yet I still can't stop crying at everything. And these aren't normal hormonal tears - these are full-body, loud sobs. The last time I cried this much and this uncontrollably was when my first love moved away.
My boyfriend, as wonderful as he is, is a rock. He doesn't show emotion. While that was helpful yesterday, it makes me feel like absolute crap today. I'm still crying and carrying on, and he's just a rock. I know that this wasn't an easy decision for him either, and I'm always the emotional one. But I think I need someone to cry with me instead of just hold me and tell me that he loves me (which I'm not complaining about - I was worried that he wouldn't love me anymore after all of this).
I'm tired. I'm alone. And while I know that other people out there know how I'm feeling, it doesn't seem to help. While we were in the clinic, the place was absolutely packed with women in similar situations. We all got to bond - it was actually a pretty positive place. They played movies in the waiting room, and everyone was talking and laughing (of course with lots of tears and hugs from family members and friends at appropriate times).
Before the abortion, I was relatively fine with my decision. My boyfriend was supportive of me, and while he preferred not to have a child yet, he said that he'd be in my life and support me no matter what. He's phenomenal, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He went with me to have it done.
I had a moment of dread the second they called my name to go back into the room. I really hated the place where I went. Despite the fact that the medical staff was first-rate, I felt as though their clerical staff was unprofessional and inefficient. I had to wait for over four hours just to pay my copay. (My insurance company covered it, but not without a fight, which also caused undue stress because the clinic wasn't helping... or even calling me back. But again, that was clerical staff and not the medical staff.) The doctor was phenomenal and put me right at ease with his easy-going and jovial nature. And then they gave me an IV, so I don't know what happened then.
Anyway, it hasn't been that long. About 24 hours. I seem to be healing well physically, but I just... miss being pregnant. I wanted to be a mom so badly, but it was just the wrong time in my life. I'm unmarried, and while my boyfriend and I have a great relationship, marriage just isn't in our immediate future. I just started a new job, and unfortunately, that job/career path has societal implications for unwed mothers. I'd feel way too much pressure to get married. I'm too young, and I just recently started getting my life in order. I don't even know where I'll be living in a year. It was simply the right choice for us. We discussed everything, and we were both completely on-board.
I knew that this was going to be traumatic for me going in. Despite the complete and overwhelming fear of marriage, I really liked the idea of a little "mini-us". The hormones were really getting to me, and even though we only knew about the pregnancy for five days, I really had too much time to bond with the baby before we terminated. Basically, if anything happened yesterday to delay the abortion, I couldn't have gone through with it. Objectively, I'm glad that nothing went wrong.
I've been alone all day today. My boyfriend works weekends, and is unfortunately an hourly employee, so he really can't afford to take the day off. We've been in as much contact as we can (he's normally completely unreachable when he's working, but he left me with several ways to contact him). But as I'm watching television, I can't avoid mentions of pregnancy or people trying to get pregnant. And then I am wracked with feelings of guilt, selfishness, remorse, etc. I can't seem to make the logical parts of my brain align with the emotional parts. The logical reasons are all there, yet I still can't stop crying at everything. And these aren't normal hormonal tears - these are full-body, loud sobs. The last time I cried this much and this uncontrollably was when my first love moved away.
My boyfriend, as wonderful as he is, is a rock. He doesn't show emotion. While that was helpful yesterday, it makes me feel like absolute crap today. I'm still crying and carrying on, and he's just a rock. I know that this wasn't an easy decision for him either, and I'm always the emotional one. But I think I need someone to cry with me instead of just hold me and tell me that he loves me (which I'm not complaining about - I was worried that he wouldn't love me anymore after all of this).
I'm tired. I'm alone. And while I know that other people out there know how I'm feeling, it doesn't seem to help. While we were in the clinic, the place was absolutely packed with women in similar situations. We all got to bond - it was actually a pretty positive place. They played movies in the waiting room, and everyone was talking and laughing (of course with lots of tears and hugs from family members and friends at appropriate times).