I quit lookin at the clock, it will only bring me down and it wont bring you here.
sooooo its been awhile since i posted on here right? yeah i do still do it sometimes.. meh.. what to post... ive been hella depressed lately. for alot of reasons. even did something that I WAS told was stupid(yes i know it was... dont get mad at me again please) that at the time numbed it down so.. oh well. but interesting thought here... the sound of your voice cheered me up... why do you do that?... i can be depressed or sad.. and not expecting to hear from you.. and then you call... and i smile... meh. then sometimes we argue.. and its like i enjoy even that... weird. but like i told you.. THATS MY HIGH POINT of this past week.. hearing from a girl.. who makes me smile instantly... even if its an online msg? wtf is wrong with me... meh.
depressed lately... yes... you could say that when i dont have xavier i have too much time on my hands.. and i waste the majority of it sitting at home playing a dumb game.. or writing things that i will never use... which may and may not change.. john asked me about singing.. i DONT think i can.. but i can rap.. and i can scream... so who knows... lol. maybe work on something with him.. were both really big fans of old eve 6 stuff.. and i like the style of writing of eve 6 with their melancholoy love feel.. so who knows maybe ill talk to him about doin something like that.. even though i know hes wanting more of a metal band if he gets in another band.. which he also asked me about managing him jason andy wes and jerrys band adhesive.. i really dont have the time to do that when i have xavier.. and well.. truth be told i love those guys but i dont care much for their sound alot of the time... wes did shock the hell out of me that sunday though.. that guy is actually a damn good drummer when he wants to be. and Andys new amp is fucking hellacious.. rock your insides to the outside with basslines.. lol. john is wanting more metal and the song i started to help him on that turned out completly differntly lyrically from what we started writing is being used though so hes happy about that. im glad its not going to waste which he said it wouldnt anyways. lol. gonna figure out some shit with him i think... ive got alot of shit ive wrote lately that is just sitting wasting away... if i can get him to write music to it maybe just maybe.. haha. then again were fucked up in the head when we get together. lol.
oh yes... depressed... tired of being alone.. tired of loving someone i cant have... which is probably more of a distance thing than anything.. or maybe she doesnt care for me in that way i dunno... weird funny whatever
speaking of funny....
"especially dont compare me to girls you like" HAHA. that still cracks me up... its just... funny. i dunno why it just is.. kinda like the derrick thing is funny to me.. and at the same time... woosh.. jealousy was arriving... =O not from me though.. from someone else.. cuz you know... i dont get jealous. lol.
xavier is back with me.. i went and got him today.. which means ill go back to being normal for 2 weeks... heh.. well a little longer... maybe alot longer i dunno. i think that was just him sayin he wanted to stay with me alot longer than he does... jaime has apparently went out of town... and when i asked him if he knew when mommy was comin back cuz i actually have to talk to her.. he said... "shes not". just real blunt... i started laughin.. i think he was jokin.. he better have been jokin... if she decided to pack up and move without tellin me wow thatd suck ass... i mean.. fuck. but yeah
sooooooooooo new found thing... kinda talkin to my buddy ed who i love in a completly non-homosexual kind of way... and my friend kim too.. ive kinda been in love with someone alot longer than i thought... and...yeah.. now i feel weird.. i dont like feeling weird... i normally act weird but dont feel weird.. but anytime i think about a person who i love in a non-friend way.. i get a weird feeling. now.. im kind of glad she didnt call tonight even though i was kinda like meh and wanting her to before.. now its kinda like she didnt call.. maybe it was a good thing... give me time to think more.. i mean what the hell do you do.. do you say oh by the way.. i think you already know this.. but im like in love with you and have been for awhile... hahaha. thats a great way of saying it to someone huh? man... i should take some tips from some of those love animes i watch... just SCREAM IT OUT A WINDOW! get it out of your system.. its all good now.. lol. i dunno though. whats even dumber... the girl im talkin about can read this lj.... HAHAH thats fucking great... i just basically said it in my lj.. *takes bets with himself that he doesnt hear from her for awhile*
might be a good thing there too.. cuz i dont know how thatd work... i mean... i cant exactly leave this state right now... and yet... i cant ask someone else to give up everything to come to this state and be with me... although ive said that if jaime gets custody of xavier for school year im leaving kentucky and we find that out soon.. but still i dunno.. thats alot of giving and taking for both... and ive said it before.. i dont think i can do that.. i dont want to ask someone to give up everything they know for me.... no matter how happy i am when talkin to them or anything.. and i dont know if i could give up everything im attached to here to go there.. id like to think i could outside of xavier.. but i dunno.. ive got a few friends id hate to leave like john.. i told him if i didnt get X for the school years id probably move out of the state and he was like... man i dont want you to move out of the state.. and im like buddy we will have to wait and see.. heh.
but i still think i could... and will... if i dont get x.. ill be out of the state... but id like to get him for the school year... oh well... fuck she's liable to read this tommorrow or sometime this week and all this is here.. wow... im kinda dumb.. and yet ill post it and leave it anyways...
oh and i hate my manager...
im off on the third and 4th thats bitchin imo.. but i got kinda used to being off on the weekends and now im not haha. and i saw a weird church sign today that made me think... "pray until something happens"... that means a person can choose to believe their praying helped or that it didnt... with me id like to say i pray on things but i dont... maybe i should try that though see if it helps any... lol.
depressed lately... yes... you could say that when i dont have xavier i have too much time on my hands.. and i waste the majority of it sitting at home playing a dumb game.. or writing things that i will never use... which may and may not change.. john asked me about singing.. i DONT think i can.. but i can rap.. and i can scream... so who knows... lol. maybe work on something with him.. were both really big fans of old eve 6 stuff.. and i like the style of writing of eve 6 with their melancholoy love feel.. so who knows maybe ill talk to him about doin something like that.. even though i know hes wanting more of a metal band if he gets in another band.. which he also asked me about managing him jason andy wes and jerrys band adhesive.. i really dont have the time to do that when i have xavier.. and well.. truth be told i love those guys but i dont care much for their sound alot of the time... wes did shock the hell out of me that sunday though.. that guy is actually a damn good drummer when he wants to be. and Andys new amp is fucking hellacious.. rock your insides to the outside with basslines.. lol. john is wanting more metal and the song i started to help him on that turned out completly differntly lyrically from what we started writing is being used though so hes happy about that. im glad its not going to waste which he said it wouldnt anyways. lol. gonna figure out some shit with him i think... ive got alot of shit ive wrote lately that is just sitting wasting away... if i can get him to write music to it maybe just maybe.. haha. then again were fucked up in the head when we get together. lol.
oh yes... depressed... tired of being alone.. tired of loving someone i cant have... which is probably more of a distance thing than anything.. or maybe she doesnt care for me in that way i dunno... weird funny whatever
speaking of funny....
"especially dont compare me to girls you like" HAHA. that still cracks me up... its just... funny. i dunno why it just is.. kinda like the derrick thing is funny to me.. and at the same time... woosh.. jealousy was arriving... =O not from me though.. from someone else.. cuz you know... i dont get jealous. lol.
xavier is back with me.. i went and got him today.. which means ill go back to being normal for 2 weeks... heh.. well a little longer... maybe alot longer i dunno. i think that was just him sayin he wanted to stay with me alot longer than he does... jaime has apparently went out of town... and when i asked him if he knew when mommy was comin back cuz i actually have to talk to her.. he said... "shes not". just real blunt... i started laughin.. i think he was jokin.. he better have been jokin... if she decided to pack up and move without tellin me wow thatd suck ass... i mean.. fuck. but yeah
sooooooooooo new found thing... kinda talkin to my buddy ed who i love in a completly non-homosexual kind of way... and my friend kim too.. ive kinda been in love with someone alot longer than i thought... and...yeah.. now i feel weird.. i dont like feeling weird... i normally act weird but dont feel weird.. but anytime i think about a person who i love in a non-friend way.. i get a weird feeling. now.. im kind of glad she didnt call tonight even though i was kinda like meh and wanting her to before.. now its kinda like she didnt call.. maybe it was a good thing... give me time to think more.. i mean what the hell do you do.. do you say oh by the way.. i think you already know this.. but im like in love with you and have been for awhile... hahaha. thats a great way of saying it to someone huh? man... i should take some tips from some of those love animes i watch... just SCREAM IT OUT A WINDOW! get it out of your system.. its all good now.. lol. i dunno though. whats even dumber... the girl im talkin about can read this lj.... HAHAH thats fucking great... i just basically said it in my lj.. *takes bets with himself that he doesnt hear from her for awhile*
might be a good thing there too.. cuz i dont know how thatd work... i mean... i cant exactly leave this state right now... and yet... i cant ask someone else to give up everything to come to this state and be with me... although ive said that if jaime gets custody of xavier for school year im leaving kentucky and we find that out soon.. but still i dunno.. thats alot of giving and taking for both... and ive said it before.. i dont think i can do that.. i dont want to ask someone to give up everything they know for me.... no matter how happy i am when talkin to them or anything.. and i dont know if i could give up everything im attached to here to go there.. id like to think i could outside of xavier.. but i dunno.. ive got a few friends id hate to leave like john.. i told him if i didnt get X for the school years id probably move out of the state and he was like... man i dont want you to move out of the state.. and im like buddy we will have to wait and see.. heh.
but i still think i could... and will... if i dont get x.. ill be out of the state... but id like to get him for the school year... oh well... fuck she's liable to read this tommorrow or sometime this week and all this is here.. wow... im kinda dumb.. and yet ill post it and leave it anyways...
oh and i hate my manager...
im off on the third and 4th thats bitchin imo.. but i got kinda used to being off on the weekends and now im not haha. and i saw a weird church sign today that made me think... "pray until something happens"... that means a person can choose to believe their praying helped or that it didnt... with me id like to say i pray on things but i dont... maybe i should try that though see if it helps any... lol.